When The World Pushes Against You

We might sometimes feel that our paths are burdened with obstacles and that our days are filled with struggles. Yet, there is the possibility of overcoming the internal darkness in the face of these struggles with something brighter and stronger that lives within each of us, something that pushes back “when the world pushes against you” as Camus said.

Transcript

Welcome to In the Deep.

I'm your host,

Katherine Ingram.

The following was excerpted from a Zoom session of Dharma Dialogues,

Broadcast from Australia on October 3,

2020.

It's called When the World Pushes Against You.

I wanted to read something from Camus,

Or as the French would say,

Albert Camus.

In the midst of hate,

I found there was within me an invincible love.

In the midst of tears,

I found there was within me an invincible smile.

In the midst of chaos,

I found there was within me an invincible calm.

I realized through it all that in the midst of winter,

I found there was within me an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy for it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me,

Within me there's something stronger,

Something better pushing right back.

Now we do all know the truth of this.

Because so many times,

The better angels of our nature have pushed right back.

And it is interesting,

Isn't it?

Fascinating,

Actually,

How when that happens,

It feels the truest of us.

Right?

When there is that incredible,

Delicious resting or diving deep.

It just feels the truest of us.

And perhaps conversely,

Sometimes when we're in our madness,

Right,

When we're in our hate,

And our resistance,

There's some niggling part of ourselves that is saying,

This just doesn't really feel right.

And yet we may be so immersed in it at that moment or in that phase of time.

And we may even be supported in that by those around us who are also in their rage,

Or their feelings of hate and resistance,

That you just sort of find yourself going with it.

But somehow,

Some way,

There is a knowing.

Now,

The more we visit that knowing,

The more that we let ourselves have that refreshing place that pushes back in from the front,

Pushes the madness,

Basically,

Knows that it's not quite right.

The more we give into that,

Surrender to that,

That sweet spot,

The more we call it to us.

Right?

It just gets more habitual.

I've noticed that a lot of my friends in the US are struggling with lots of very complicated feelings.

And I certainly understand.

I really understand.

But a lot of those feelings have to do with just rage,

Really,

And a lot of hatred.

And they all would say that they have cause.

And there's a kind of schadenfreude happening with the hospitalization of the president.

People are saying all kinds of things,

Even people who I find it's so bit surprising,

Because I've known them as the JAMA people for so many decades.

And I do find it a bit surprising,

Some of the bitterness that I'm hearing and some of the glee at the suffering of the US president and those around him.

And I don't feel any of that kind of schadenfreude.

And it's really been kind of interesting for me to have these conversations,

Because it's forced me to look at,

Well,

If there is someone who's doing something,

And it's causing a lot of suffering on the planet,

Is it fair enough to feel OK?

They're getting theirs.

They're getting their just desserts.

But somehow my heart just won't go there.

It just doesn't.

Many,

Many years ago,

When it first came out,

I watched this series called The Tudors.

It's a dramatic,

It's a dramatized series,

Which I felt was quite great.

It was kind of soap operas,

And I'm sure it took many liberties with the history.

But it had a great cast,

And it was very well done and a big production.

And in the story,

There were many people who were absolutely awful,

Really horrible.

They did horrible,

Horrible things to other people.

And as the viewer,

You would be kind of rooting for them to get beheaded themselves,

Because they were busy beheading a whole bunch of other people.

And yet when it would come their turn,

Which inevitably it seemed to do in the story,

I would think,

Oh,

Well,

Gosh,

We don't have to go that far.

And to this point,

There is something so healing to the heart to really wish people well,

Even though we might work to stop them in what they're doing.

That's a different matter.

But to not to not feel glee in their suffering.

To push back when you feel anything like that,

When you feel hate arising,

Even what you might think is justified.

As people who hate often do feel justified in it.

Okay,

That's what came to say on this momentous occasion of this crazy time of history we're in,

Where never a dull moment,

And that we're sharing this.

I mean,

I know many of you are in Europe,

But no doubt you're hearing the news as we are.

Yeah,

It's not quite clear yet what I want to say,

But something came up about how much you can feel sometimes justification in hating or really having an opinion,

A strong opinion and how tempting it can be to have that energy of the opinion of the rightness until you feel how isolating it actually is,

How it isolates myself from the other.

And I was just reading an article about Arlie Hochschild,

An American sociologist who was going down south to speak with people with extremely different opinions and trying to understand them.

And it's so intriguing because I wonder,

Could I do that myself?

Could I have the flexibility of mind and the curiosity of mind to keep on exploring why the other has an opinion that feels sometimes so harmful?

So I feel these two things,

The difficulty of really being curious in people who have other views and also the other thing that there is a slight,

Not joy,

But some energy in having a strong opinion,

Which in the end actually turns out not feeling good.

Well,

I mean,

The whole of the sort of addiction to say social media and the way that people end up in these silos of beliefs and opinions is based on exactly what you're talking about,

That there's an incredible energy that comes with feeling right and feeling righteous and feeling angry.

Anger has energy and it gives a very strong sense of self.

There's something weirdly a bit addictive,

Even though it's a kind of negative addiction to all of those kinds of feelings,

Strong emotions,

Strong sense of self,

Right?

Strong sense of somebody.

And to your point about isolating,

I would also add the other problem with it is that in and of itself,

Holding that stuff inside of you actually is toxic.

But like with many addictions that are toxic,

One keeps going with it.

So it's very,

Very good to recognize it and one can often recognize it most clearly when it momentarily or for a little while or for good drops away and you realize,

You know,

You breathe,

It's like you're carrying this really heavy backpack with full rocks on your head.

And it's just really good to kind of notice the contrast.

Now to one other point to what you said.

If you have a natural curiosity to want to unpack people's differing opinions,

And if that's something you feel impelled to do well and good,

But I propose there's even a way to let them be in their opinions,

Even if you totally disagree.

And even if you can,

As far as you can see,

See the harm that they're doing.

Like I said,

It's fair enough to try to stop people in some way.

That might mean voting,

Or it might mean marching or protesting or writing an article or a book or any number of ways that we express ourselves in a nonviolent,

Non-harming way.

Those are all fair game.

But as we all know,

It's pretty hard to change anybody else.

It's hard enough to change ourselves,

Right?

It's incredibly hard.

So,

You know,

You throw it all out there without a huge attachment to whether or not you're transforming anything,

Whether or not you're prevailing in changing anyone's opinion.

And also not,

If it's not really your natural curiosity to unpack what you may perceive as people's incredibly ignorant opinions and try to find some kind of common ground.

I say it's okay that you don't have to find the common ground there in opinions.

You can have the common ground be the softness in your heart,

Recognizing that we live in a world that frankly is full of ignorance.

I mean,

It is stunning how much ignorance rolls around and has for very,

Very,

Very long time,

As far as I can tell.

What we know of history,

And I'm not sure how much I trust history frankly,

But what glimmers one can notice that might be true,

Might have been accurately reported,

You realize that this has been going on.

A lot of ignorance has been forcing,

You know,

Pushing humanity along for a long time.

And we can certainly see it in full display in our own time.

And I think another deeper place to come to the quiet is to accept that that's part of what it is here to be human and that we have each of us plenty of it as well.

Plenty of ignorance,

Plenty of greed,

Right?

Now we,

I've talked about this many times,

We who are privileged,

We've been living in ways,

Especially most of us on this call,

Have dedicated our lives to basically a dharmic kind of view,

The gentler things,

Cultivating the better angels of our nature.

And we've had the privilege to do all of that.

And even so,

We know that,

You know,

Our little devils sneak out every now and again.

Alan Watts has a phrase,

Divine rascals,

You know,

We understand our rascality for sure.

But we can even see in our own cases,

The distance we've come from times when we were much more ignorant and operating from ignorance.

And usually each step of the way to any kind of insight is fairly hard won ground,

Right?

It's usually born of suffering often.

You know,

So we've slogged on here,

We've become more and more tenderized with time,

We've seen what works,

You know,

Our spirits pushed back,

You know,

A thousand times,

100,

000 times to overcome a lot of these negative aspects of ourselves that are just so powerful,

So encoded in almost,

You know,

Genetically,

Actually,

I'd say,

And so we can understand how those who haven't had privilege,

Haven't had certain types of education have had to struggle or be abused in childhood or live in criminal cultures where that's just how everybody behaves and all those things,

How hard that would be to overcome.

One can have deep and profound compassion.

So all of these ways are ways to shift your view,

Just a slight adjustment,

Really,

Because you don't have to agree with people to have a friendliness in your heart.

And you might even try everything you can to stop them from what they're doing.

Right?

That might be your destiny.

And it is the destiny for some people.

But as all of the great leaders in the nonviolent movements have always said,

And Jesus also said,

You know,

Hate the sin,

But not the sinner.

The Dalai Lama said that he would refer to the Chinese as my friends,

The enemy.

So just a great,

Incredibly ironic way to say it,

My friends,

The enemy,

Meaning Yeah,

They're technically the enemy.

Gandhi said,

You know,

We want we want the British to quit India,

We want them to leave,

But we want them to leave as friends.

So you know,

There are ways that one can perceive that doesn't even involve you having to engage at any level of bitterness and hatred in your heart.

But I have fallen into judgment and bitterness in my heart and watching what has been going down on the planet,

You know,

And,

And,

I mean,

In the bigger picture and seeing what we humans have done,

And particularly to the other creatures,

You know,

That that gets me a lot.

So I do at times just feel this.

But then it makes me happy for it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me,

Within me,

There's something stronger,

Something better pushing right back.

I struggle with this idea of I do want to be I want to keep my heart malleable and especially toward enemies.

But I know that that comes with the cost to it,

Maybe you just have to go along with it.

But I always think of this story.

In 1986,

I had a chance to go to Nicaragua during the height of the you know,

The Contra war.

And there was we got to visit with someone who told the story,

There was a man,

Daniel Borges,

Who had been had been imprisoned by the Somacistas and actually castrated,

Tortured and castrated.

And one of the first things that he did when the Sandinistas came to power was to go to the jail where his tormentors were and unlock the door and let these men out.

And of course,

They joined the contras and tortured more people.

It was a very big gesture on his part,

But maybe not thought out all that way.

And I've always struggled with with that idea.

What's the right thing to do?

But in my heart of hearts,

I think,

You know,

What feels right is not assimilating the awfulness and I'll take the repercussions.

But that's what I'm trying to do here.

And I'm certainly not gleeful.

I would like for that person to be removed from office and some and not that that's going to,

You know,

Be a panacea for the problems in the US but but I hope that it's the start of some healing.

It seems that that doesn't doesn't seem likely with him there.

But yeah,

It's a real,

Real test.

I think there are a lot of people probably struggling with similar feelings all over the place right now.

I would imagine.

So yes,

To your point to your story that you told about Nicaragua.

This in Buddhism,

There's something called idiot compassion,

Which is,

You know,

Sometimes one can be very deluded about what a true compassionate act is.

And we would have to kind of be ignoring a lot of things to set free people who are then going to go out and torture other people.

But that doesn't mean you have to hate them.

I mean,

I think it's just the way the situation is set up.

Some people forfeit their right to live among the rest of us.

And they're too dangerous.

But I sometimes like in all of these kind of ways of seeing things to,

Like,

If you if you knew there was a dog in the neighborhood who you heard became rabid,

You wouldn't hate that dog,

You avoid the dog,

Or you'd find the dog would have to be contained somehow or,

You know,

But you wouldn't,

Hatred wouldn't be a part of it,

Right?

You might be afraid of being near the dog because it might bite you and give you rabies,

But hatred wouldn't come up.

And yet we,

With humans,

Because we always think that they should know better,

Right?

I mean,

We,

We have all these demands of humans,

But I think in many cases,

They are like,

Rabid,

You know,

This,

It's,

It's for whatever reasons,

The conditioning,

Brain chemistry,

All kinds of reasons that they behave in the ways that they do.

And sometimes it's extremely hard when we see someone who is privileged and powerful and wealthy.

They're there,

They sometimes it is very,

Very hard to engender compassion for people who are misbehaving at that level of privilege.

But if we look deeper,

Yeah,

If we look deeper,

And I have had this,

This very refreshing view many,

Many times where I've realized,

Well,

You know,

You imagine walking in their shoes and understanding what it might feel like internally.

It's a different animal.

I'm new to your Dharma Talks.

I recently came across your essay through my yoga community in Portland,

Although I live in England.

Oh,

Wow.

Okay,

So probably through Sarah Joy.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And she is.

She's someone I studied with 25 years ago,

And I had to let that community go when I moved here a decade ago.

And so COVID-19 brought her back into my life,

Because she started doing online courses.

What I wanted to share,

Kind of some of the things that are coming up for me based on what you've shared today and others,

Is that feeling,

That distinction that I have,

Or the challenge I have,

And I think the analogy of the rabbit dog really highlighted it,

Because the first thing I think of,

If there's a rabbit dog in the neighborhood,

Is you literally shoot the dog.

And that line between wanting to push back with violence versus pushing back my own de-evolution.

It's been such a much more challenging thing for me in these recent times,

Because I have this sense of overwhelm.

It's one thing to push back by being a member of PETA.

It's one thing to push back by making a donation to Amnesty International.

It's one thing to push back with a vote,

Or writing,

Or poetry,

Or friendliness in the market.

But I feel overwhelmed right now.

And so the feeling for me is more like drowning.

I feel like I don't even have the energy in some moments to push back.

And so I feel this sort of collapsing.

And so my feelings around that have been more about surrendering.

And which is why your essay was so strengthening for me,

Because there was this way in which my pushing back was externalized.

And it was exhausting.

So now I'm having to push back in every area,

Every arena of my society.

And I don't have that capacity physically to do it.

And so it reminded me when Joe shared about Jorge in Nicaragua.

I had a teacher named Jorge once who would whisper in our ceremonies when people were struggling inside,

No outside.

And so bringing back whatever externalized confusion to bring back and to calm within.

And then the last thing I just wanted to share because it was brought up is this social media that is really creating these silos,

I think you use the word silos of hatred.

And I have come off most of my social media after having watched the movie Social Dilemma,

Which I'm going to just put out there.

Because it's very profound.

You spoke about addiction to emotions.

And they also talk a lot about that.

But they also had people on there that were all the sort of founding mothers and fathers of these Instagram and social media outlets.

There's actually a real addiction in a biochemical way in the brain to these products.

So anyway,

I am really grateful to have found a community that is allowing me to surrender more to what is.

Beautiful.

I really love what you just said.

Yeah.

Inside,

No outside.

I am very aware and I come at it in different ways pretty much every time we have one of these sessions that because of the stresses that we are in,

In our world in general,

And the uncertainty in which we now live,

It is making it because there comes with,

You know,

What comes with that is anxiety,

You know,

And especially for sensitive creatures,

Anxiety can easily arise.

So it does sap our strength,

And it does make it a little bit harder,

You know,

To kind of stay steady.

And that's why I've been emphasizing so much our strength to really tune in to those deeper parts of yourself because we're going to need them.

We need them now.

And it's going to we're going to need them more,

As far as I can tell.

And so to really exercise those muscles of letting go of surrender,

Not surrender in apathy,

Not surrender in resignation,

But surrender in truth,

Just surrender,

Surrender to what is real,

What is true,

Surrender to reality.

And it doesn't mean you don't try to tweak it here and there.

But one has to be realistic about how much we can change in this world.

You know,

It's this huge juggernaut that's now running in a zillion different ways.

And it's been on its way a long,

Long,

Long time.

And there are things set in place,

There are tipping points that are happening now,

That are out of our control,

We have no agency over them now,

You know,

So we have to be really strong going forward and now.

And we also have to recognize it is tougher than it used to be.

I mean,

We I've spoken quite a bit recently about how we all of us here on this call,

We were used to living with many more options,

Many more ways that we can make plans,

Many more ways we could delight ourselves.

And even though we've always had a relationship with death that's hanging over us,

Anyone who's half paying attention understands that that's the end point.

And that it can come,

You know,

Suddenly.

But really,

We,

You know,

We all were expecting a pretty good cushy long run.

Almost everyone was expecting that.

And now,

Everything is just so uncertain.

So to live with that,

We're having to adjust.

We're having to make a big adjustment in ourselves and in our world.

And I have been pretty impressed with how much adjustment we have made.

Not everyone and certainly there are a lot,

There's lots of mental illness going around and lots of issues in those ways.

But for many,

Many people,

They have made,

It's pretty remarkable adjustment,

And adjusting downward in terms of options.

And yet,

There's also plenty of ways where people are experiencing this time as revelatory and as calming.

And in the letting go and in the simplification of life,

There's been some great delight,

Which I really recommend that we focus on now.

Yes,

You don't have all the options.

You don't have the big huge list of things you can do and dream about and plan and go have fun doing and go on adventures and get stuff and all the rest.

But there's plenty here that's pretty beautiful if you just readjust the view,

Readjust the attention and surrender to the inside.

Right.

So that's what we're all always the viewfinder needs to be tuned.

That's the only spot it needs to be readjusted is the internal view.

It's lovely to see you again,

Catherine.

It's really lovely to see you,

Dear.

Way too long.

I was just thinking today when I saw your name,

I was thinking,

I think I last saw you enhanced it.

It was a long time ago.

A long time ago.

Lovely,

Lovely to be here with you again.

And how are you?

I'm struggling recently with an internal hatred rather than an external.

And it's been provoked by,

I have an eye condition that potentially can be sightless,

But not presently,

Not imminently.

And this week I learned I had a second one.

And my reaction has been to implode,

A lot of self hatred and not being able to get into this overview.

Can I ask why the self hatred,

Why would there not be compassion instead for yourself?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I just,

It's complete terror of an imagined future.

And how I would cope as somebody with claustrophobia and anxiety.

And this whole thing has just mushroomed.

So I've given myself a very hard week.

And last night before I,

As I was just preparing to come here,

I was just aware that I was going to start a journal called Journey to Light because we all have these,

Well,

I experience different layers inside myself where I'm very in the moment and surrounded by tremendous depth and love and in the flow to a depth that I absolutely love.

But in sometimes just in moments of trauma,

It's possible to lose it completely.

And I lost it this week.

And if it was somebody else,

I would be so much kinder to them.

So I think somehow I'll have to learn self compassion.

Yes.

There might be some belief system embedded.

And it's not a surprise that it might be embedded because it's a kind of new agey belief system that goes around that somehow you brought it on somehow that,

You know,

It might be that that belief system lurks in you somewhere.

Something about why did I get this?

And what's the lesson?

Blah,

Blah,

All that stuff.

And I would really encourage you to release that,

You know,

As basically irrational,

You know,

And unnecessarily tormenting thoughts and untrue.

We're in these very precarious packages,

All this love and all this thoughts and creativity and talent and what,

You know,

Like the what the stuff of the internal stuff of being human.

And here it is contained in this extraordinarily precarious packaging.

Right?

That doesn't last that doesn't hold up for anyone.

So that's just how it is.

And,

And I'm so sorry,

And I can so understand the fear and the terror that you describe,

I can imagine.

But I would say that extra is the self hatred.

And that's another,

You know,

Another rock,

A big,

Huge rock that's being put on that's totally doesn't need to go on the ride.

And,

You know,

So to deal with getting practical and practicing a lot of self compassion and unknowing that you're strong.

And you'll have to dig deep to find new layers of strength,

Which you'll no doubt do.

I love your left how you started today with Camus description of when you face a challenge,

That,

You know,

In that darkness that something tremendous comes,

You know,

You reach somewhere inside you,

That you know that you had all that all that you know is there,

But you rediscover it again in a different way.

Absolutely.

Read his insight.

Yes,

No,

It that I see I've observed that in myself.

You know,

I've many times in my life thought,

I don't know if I can go on one more step.

And somehow,

The next step comes.

But I've also observed it in so many people who have been just so inspirational.

Later on tonight or tomorrow,

Send me a note and remind me of a couple of things that you could watch that a couple of films that I've mentioned actually before,

Within the last few months,

Stories about people who had ALS,

Two different documentaries that were so powerfully inspiring to see,

Really astounding in terms of what the gifts were along the way.

It's nothing you'd wish on anyone.

But when it's when life is being confronted with that,

It's possible that the the spirit rises and finds jewels in there somehow.

So I would just say for now,

The adjustment is simply this this piece about the self hatred,

Just get rid of that one because that one's irrational.

You didn't do it.

Why would you?

You didn't choose it.

You're not in control.

You're not that powerful,

Right?

You're not controlling the way that nature is operating through your body.

I'm very aware of the experience it like layers,

You know,

When you're going up in an aeroplane or down in an aeroplane,

Hanging and then you're sort of,

Oh,

You're now down in another layer,

And then you're down in another layer.

And I'm experiencing consciousness like that where I can be so in free flow.

And then I kind of take myself somehow into this turbulent area.

But I know that it's possible to descend.

I guess that's the gift of our generation is that,

You know,

We've been exposed to these teachings and there is a path.

Yes,

That is the gift indeed.

And just keep reminding yourself of all the things you actually do know.

And especially in this whole piece about this self condemnation.

Really counter those thoughts as they arise with self love.

And literally a meta,

Just say some meta practice in those moments.

May I be happy?

May I be peaceful?

May I be calm?

May I be loving?

That's a good idea.

Thank you.

I just have a feeling today because today is we're having my youngest son's birthday today.

And he will turn 19.

And we will have family over.

And also will be my,

What can I say,

My death husband's parents.

And his children will come too.

And that is,

Of course,

Wonderful and all that.

But yeah,

I just feel very sad today because of course we were going to miss him.

That he's not here in this birthday.

And I can feel a lot of the time I can put my mind over to gratitude.

For instance,

For my children and for having a house and food on the table and all that.

But sometimes my mind,

Like today where I'm a little bit sad,

It goes in the direction of,

I feel,

I almost feel pity for myself.

Why me?

Again,

I know it's not a good way to go and I can't use it for anything.

But I fall into that sadness about again,

Anxiety about the future.

And also when I think about all the coronavirus stuff,

It's just more on the top.

And my mind just can't seem to handle all that.

It's just like too much.

And then again,

I want to make a very lovely birthday today and I really want to exercise my mind for being present in the moment and enjoying my children.

Because if I sit in sadness all the time and thinking about the past and what should have been,

My husband should have been alive,

Then I'm not present at this moment,

At this birthday.

And I want to create a good day for them and be,

Well,

Not exactly happy,

But just be present in a positive way.

But I just find it so difficult when the mind is driving in that direction of grief,

Sadness and in the end self-pity that's pathetic,

But I must just admit I do it.

So in a situation,

I don't know what to do,

Just do what I do or do you have anything to say?

You know,

You're in a process and grief has its own season for everyone,

Right?

But just as best you can use your attention to counter some of these thoughts.

So basically,

What does that mean?

Counter means challenge some of these thoughts.

Oh,

Okay.

Okay.

Yes,

You're focused a bit on what's missing,

That is your husband,

But what's there?

And also,

You want your son to have a happy birthday.

That can be your primary focus for today.

Just for today.

You want your son,

That's going to override a lot of the other emotions,

You want your son to have a happy birthday,

To not have to spend the day with his mom,

Who he senses is really actually very,

Very sad and it's mostly sad,

Not really quite there.

You know,

To kind of just counter the thoughts,

Just for today,

You can always go back to the grief later.

And use your attention like that.

Okay.

And another thing you said that I stuck on a second was the whole idea of this shouldn't be happening to me,

Why is this happening to me?

Why not you?

Does death not come to every family in the world?

Yeah.

I know that in my mind,

But then in my heart,

It's just hurts so much.

Your heart can still have the grief of the loss,

But it doesn't have to have this added on component of it shouldn't have happened to me.

Why did it happen to me?

Right?

That's extra.

The purity of the loss is one thing that that is fair.

I think that's reasonable.

That's logical from my point of view.

The other part is actually unreasonable and illogical,

Not logical,

Not rational.

Why does my mind keep going there?

I find myself.

.

.

I'll tell you one thing that I suspect,

Because I went through this once a long time ago in the breakup of relationships,

A little bit different.

It wasn't a death,

But it was a death of a relationship.

And my mind chewed on that for a long time,

Really a long time.

I remember that story.

I've heard it like this.

I can use it in myself.

Yes.

And part of the reason why it was chewing and chewing and chewing on it was that that's how it kept alive.

That's how it kept alive the relationship,

Even though.

.

.

And it was also this weird magical thinking of somehow if I kept telling the story,

It would alter what happened.

It means what happened might change.

It reminds me of a story one of my girlfriends long ago told me in Los Angeles.

True story.

She had a nanny for her kid.

And they had the nanny for quite a few years in the early years of the child's life.

Now the child was about six.

And the nanny was Irish and her longtime lover asked her to marry him and move back to Ireland.

And so my friend,

The mother,

Sets her child down.

And she tells him this long story of all about the nanny in her homeland and how she had friends there and just this long drawn out wonderful story at the end of which she said,

And that's why she's going to be moving back to Ireland.

So the child sat there for a while and thought about it.

And he said,

Mom,

Can you tell me that story again sometime but with a different ending?

In a way,

It's like you're trying for the different ending.

Right.

And part of that part of the way that you're trying,

I would suspect,

Is the story about it shouldn't have happened.

Why did it happen to me?

You're trying to revise the way it happened.

And that's what I was trying to do in this long ago breakup.

I realized at some point,

This is a way that I'm stuck in this thing,

Irrationally thinking I can,

If I tell it enough times,

Maybe I'll affect what happened.

And also to keep it alive.

You're in a grief process.

There is a loss,

Right?

There's a purity about that.

There's a purity to the loss.

He's gone.

And the heart aches.

But that's the sum total of the reality of it.

It happened for all kinds of reasons having to do with the illness that he got.

So all the rest of it is extra.

And yes,

On a day like this,

You will miss him.

There will be an absence there today.

And you are in the process of noticing that but do your very best to move your attention into the gratitude and the joyousness of celebrating the 19 years of your son that you've got with him and this is a precious day.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I need to remember that.

Yes.

I've been away for a month.

And I must say,

I really missed two weeks ago.

And it's become very important for me,

This community that we have.

I've heard so many things today.

And you know,

This is sort of at the end of the session,

And I'm just sort of thinking about one quote from Goethe,

Because,

You know,

I live in Berlin,

I have to quote some German philosopher.

He said,

Very good one.

Well,

You know,

Why not start at the top?

He said,

Few people have the imagination for reality.

And so I sort of view everything of the last six months as being something that I could not have imagined.

It's a reality that really,

It just like take the direction that no one could have anticipated.

And despite all of the,

You know,

And now the latest thing,

You know,

Walter Reed Hospital,

Some infusion from some genetic technology,

Some special CDC,

Blah,

Blah.

Yeah,

It's just for me,

Like,

The Vatican under the Borgias in 1500.

You know,

So I don't,

I kind of see the whole thing is just,

You know,

This,

This wave of humanity.

We're in this wave,

We just got to go with it.

We can't change it.

All we can change is the way we react to it.

And I also feel really swept along by the currents.

And I'm just focusing as much as I can on finding this,

What's in front of me right now,

This group,

This mind that I have,

What I feel when I click leave session,

You know,

This sort of,

Oh,

You know,

Well,

I can see them again soon.

This brings me into a place where I'd like to stay.

It brings me into the part of my mind where I would like to dwell.

And I don't like it when the world pulls me outside of this place.

So I'm putting my effort into finding how can I get here and stay here with you or without you?

Well,

Yeah,

I mean,

I don't stay there all the time.

You know,

I,

I have very strong conditioning that I work with.

I'm just happy that it's more of the time,

A lot more of the time than it used to be.

Right.

It's much of the time.

And that's good enough.

Yeah,

Sometimes,

You know,

I tell the story of like,

You know,

It's like living with a crazy old aunt in the attic,

Who's just ranting and raving and banging pots.

And,

You know,

You have to just say,

There,

There,

Dear.

And,

And it's like that,

You know,

It's,

It's like it is a certain patience that one develops for one's madness of mind.

But to your point,

The yearning for that,

What Poonjaji used to call,

It's a holy yearning,

What you're describing,

Like that statement that you made,

I want to be there all the time.

He called that a holy yearning,

That that's what pulls you to it.

At some point,

You kind of give up thinking that it's going to be all the time,

But that you start to realize,

Ah,

It's more of the time,

Right?

It's,

It's getting to be a habit.

And the way that the habit works is that you're constantly being affirmed by how good it feels.

So that's,

There's this conditioning that's going on in that you're getting happy chemicals that are running through your system.

And the contrast of when you're being crazy and indulging all the bad kind of thoughts and negative this and horrible that you start to feel the kind of strain of that in an acute way.

So because of that,

And because the awareness keeps track of all that in a more consistent way than perhaps it used to,

Then the conditioning starts to get very,

Very strong for the habit of this ease of being and of resetting and countering certain types of thoughts.

I use that technique a lot.

Like when I when a certain type of thought is running through my awareness,

And even if I can make a really good case for it,

And as you know,

Having read my work,

I can make a really good case for the fact that things are going to get worse.

Right?

I can make that case.

But should I be making that case in my precious time here?

And usually I decide,

No,

I've made the case,

And it's out there.

And I can now just live,

Right?

I can just,

I can live with certain thoughts that arise that have a foreboding quality to them.

But the really smart play on the board is to let that inform me in seizing the day that's here,

This precious moment,

This precious experience of life.

Thank you.

You're welcome.