No More Sacrificing! (How To Build Better Relationships)

In this episode, I break down why I don't believe in sacrifice or compromise in relationships—with others and also with yourself—and I share some personal experiences with giving my power away in this way. I talk about the consequences that sacrifice and compromise have on our well-being and the impact it has on our relationships.

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Wild Free Will podcast.

I'm here to talk to you a little bit about creating a life that you want today.

So I think that that is like one of the fundamental purposes of life,

To be honest with you,

Is that we need to learn that we are capable of and that we are worthy of creating a life that we want.

And that yes,

There will be obstacles.

Yes,

There will be challenges.

There will be things that inevitably happen because life will be lifing.

But at the same time that we are fundamentally worthy and capable of creating a life that we that we really love and that we're proud of and that we're happy with and that feels good.

And that I mean,

This is actually going a little bit off on a tangent already,

And I haven't even started.

But this is actually something that I talk to a lot with people that I know.

I can't say that I am a huge proponent of compromise and I'm definitely not here for sacrifice.

Like that's not something that I'm particularly interested in doing.

And I think that when we are in the energy of those things of sacrifice and compromise,

I think it takes some of our potency and some of our magic away.

So the more that we are focusing on something that we when we're doing something that we don't really want to do,

Whatever that something is.

And like you can think about this in any area of your life,

Like any area.

And there's a difference between self responsibility and compromise or sacrifice.

So that's also something I'm going to get into.

But when we're doing something that we don't really want to do and it and we're doing it,

Especially if we're doing it over time,

Good Lord,

I mean,

That will literally like to suck the soul right out of your mouth,

It will literally take away all of your power,

All of your potency,

All of your magic.

So I'm really not here for sacrifice,

Really not here for compromise.

However,

How does this tie in with self responsibility?

It's a big deal because we have to do some things.

Oh,

I hate that.

Oh,

Take that back.

I take that back.

We don't have to do anything.

But we are choosing to do certain things like I mean,

I may not like cleaning my house.

But long term,

That's not a winning recipe for success,

Correct?

So if I'm viewing cleaning my house as like a compromise or something that like as a sacrifice,

That is going to cost me something long term,

In terms of my own potency,

My own energy,

My own magic,

But also in terms of my overall well being right because cleaning the house ultimately has a really positive impact on my energy,

On the world's around me on like the way that like things flow into my life and so on and so forth.

So it's not about not like never doing something that you don't like to do.

It is about not moving through life from the energy of sacrifice and compromise.

And this is also really funny.

Because like,

When we talk about relationships,

Especially,

That's where we really get into the juice of like sacrifice and compromise.

And,

And I really don't believe in it in those areas either.

To be honest with you,

I actually believe the opposite.

I believe that the minute that we start compromising what we want,

And who we are,

Is the minute that we basically fuck the entire relationship.

Like at that point,

There's just really no point anymore to being in a relationship.

Because when you're in a state of constant sacrifice and constant compromise,

It actually begins to tear away at your at your energy at your being at your wholeness.

And it moves you into a space of almost like codependency.

So and it's not like I've never been in these situations before I actually just got out of a relationship where very much I was in this space where I was I feel I felt like I had spent a very long time,

Aka years in a space of really,

Really,

Really deep sacrifice and deep compromise.

I felt like I was the only person compromising I felt like I was always having to give something up in order to make the relationship work.

And and it went as deep as me really betraying and going against my values or sacrificing if we want to use the same terminology,

Sacrificing my values in order to maintain this relationship.

And obviously,

That's crazy.

And that would be a huge part of why I'm no longer in that relationship.

But it's it's something that we tend to do when we are trying to maintain something that we're familiar with,

Or when we're trying to maintain a connection with somebody,

Like we can move very easily into these spaces.

And it's so dangerous,

Because when we come at our lives,

When we come at our relationships,

Friendships,

Whatever,

It doesn't matter who it's with.

When we come at these relationships from this space,

We are putting ourselves number one at a deficit.

And when you're at a deficit,

You're never going to be your best,

Right?

It's the same thing about self care,

Like your cup needs to be full in order for you to really be able to show up and like give what you have to give.

But you're also not going to ever really find sorry,

You're never really going to find lasting happiness,

When you're coming at it from a space of lack,

Or of having to give something up in order to make it work,

Right?

It's fundamental,

Really,

Really,

Really fundamental that we are moving in our relationships,

Especially from a space of not compromising what we actually want or what we actually need.

And this is fucking hard,

Because you really need to be there having these like uncomfortable,

Really constantly uncomfortable conversations with people.

And it's not simple necessarily to have them.

But it's so necessary,

Because if you are wanting to really live and create the life that you love,

Which is the what we are starting this topic or this episode talking about,

You really need to be willing to kind of stand up for yourself and what you actually want,

You need to come at things with that energy being like,

I know what I want.

And I'm willing to be uncomfortable and communicate that with you.

And ask for what I want and ask for what I need.

And I want you to do the same.

And that is a double edged sword a little bit too.

Because if you're going to ask for what you want,

And expect to receive it,

You also need to be willing to give the other person what they want,

Right?

So sacrifice,

I think,

Is a breeding ground for disease and disappointment,

Especially within relationships,

When you're doing it to yourself,

Even it's super dangerous,

But especially when you are co creating a space with somebody,

The minute that you,

You each begin to give something up,

You are essentially giving up a piece of yourself.

And what we actually want in life is we want to be we want to be with the people that we fell in love with,

Right,

We want to be with the people that we admired in terms of friendship,

Or that we that we,

You know,

That we appreciated,

Or we adored or whatever word you want to use that we loved,

Right,

We want to be with the people that we that they were when we first met them.

And so if sacrifice and compromise becomes an overarching aspect of your relationship,

They will never be that person again,

Right?

Because they're taking something away.

And it's the same for you.

If you're constantly giving something up,

If you're constantly compromising on what you want,

What you need,

Or what you value,

You will no longer be the person that that your partner that your friends,

Whatever chose in the first place.

And so you're basically dooming the relationship to fail.

And I understand that sounds like very apocalyptic.

It's very,

Very intense,

Very aggressive wording,

But I really believe that.

And it's worse still,

Because you're doing it to yourself as well.

So what I mean by that is,

Okay,

We could lose all of our relationships and life would suck,

But we would still be okay.

So we could lose the partner,

The husband,

We could lose the friends,

Whatever,

We could lose connection with our family,

We could be completely alone in the world.

And we would still to a certain extent be okay.

The real danger is when we begin to betray ourselves,

And we begin to give up things that are fundamental or important to who we are,

Because we can't live with ourselves when we are living in that space.

So in order for us to truly create a life that we love,

We need to be in the energy of knowing and really enforcing our values.

And this is something that really screwed me in my last relationship,

Because there were a lot of things I kind of let slide,

Because I was trying to keep the relationship afloat.

And this is over the course of like many,

Many years.

And then the person that I that like I'm no longer with,

Like he's an incredible human,

This is no,

There's no shade,

There's no saltiness whatsoever.

This is merely a like me,

Like retelling essentially or sharing the mistakes that I made.

This really has nothing to do with the other person.

I mean,

I understand that we were in a relationship together,

But it really doesn't have anything to do with who he is as a person.

It's about my behavior and my choices and the decisions that I made,

Right?

Because I prioritized the relationship,

I prioritized us over me,

Over my values,

Over my needs,

Over my wants.

And that was my decision.

Now,

Could he have been more or less helpful?

Yeah,

Of course,

Because you're in a relationship.

So there's always that that discussion with the other partner or with the other person.

But at the same time,

It is not up to other people to take care of us or to help us.

Sorry,

It's not up to other people to take care of us or to like enforce our values for us or to hold our boundaries for us.

That's on us.

We,

We need to be in that space.

We need to be coming at our lives from that sort of self-responsible sovereign and also like place and also being really in a,

In a place of,

In a space of integrity as well.

Right?

So in this relationship,

I had a lot of problems with his friends.

I had a lot of problems at the beginning with his family.

Like there was a lot of things that were going on and in order to kind of keep the peace,

Not with his family,

Because that,

I mean,

Has ended really beautifully.

Like his family is my family and we're still close.

And,

And I really appreciate that.

But in terms of the situation with his friends,

Um,

Like I was being treated,

What I feel was really badly and whether or not that is objectively true about the situation subjectively,

That was my lived experience.

My experience was that I was being treated quite badly.

And so what would have been necessary at that point would have been for me to enforce some boundaries or to stand up for myself and not expect the other person to do that for me.

And it took me a really long time to finally kind of set a limit and be like,

I can't do this anymore.

I can't be in this space.

I can't be in this energy anymore because it's actually making me sick.

It's making me physically ill,

Mentally ill.

Like I'm just,

I'm not well being surrounded by this energy.

And when I say it took me a while,

I mean like it took me like two years more than that,

Probably a little bit more.

And it was something that I then had to constantly reinforce as well.

So it took a really long time for me to get into that space.

And I can promise you that me trying to prioritize the relationship and really kind of shifting on my values did our relationship absolutely no good whatsoever.

None.

Because I was no longer coming at the relationship as the person who he chose in the first place,

Right?

I was coming at this relationship as somebody who is willing to compromise her values and who is willing to tolerate less than she deserves and who is willing to kind of be in this lower energy in order to keep the relationship going.

Now think about what that does though.

Think about what being in that lower energy brings ultimately to the relationship.

Not a whole fuck of a lot,

Right?

And so we kind of like watched this play out over many,

Many years afterwards.

And so like it's just,

It's never ever going to be worth it for you to,

To,

To be in this space of compromise or sacrifice longterm.

And it's so funny because this is not the podcast that I came here to record today.

Like at all,

At all.

This is not,

This is not the podcast that I came to record,

But this is obviously what wanted to come out.

So it's really interesting.

Uh,

And I think I'm going to do another episode because it's all about this idea of creating your life.

This is one aspect of creating your life.

So what we're talking about here is kind of having boundaries,

Having limitations on what you're willing to do,

What you're willing to compromise,

What you're willing to give up.

And also having,

Um,

Like limitations on what,

Like maybe not limitations on what you're willing to receive,

But certainly what you're willing to tolerate from other people.

Right.

And also tempering your own behavior within that.

So not expecting the other person to sacrifice,

Not expecting the other person to give up who they are because we know that that leads us down a path of change and growth,

But not in a positive way.

Right.

It doesn't lead us to evolving together.

It leaves,

It leads to an erosion of the relationship because neither of you will be the people that you ultimately chose in the first place.

And so really allowing people to be all of who they are and allowing them to unfold in that way,

That is going to be fundamental for your ultimate relationship success because you need the people to be who they were when you chose them.

That's why you chose them.

You chose them because of who they were,

Because of the energy that they had,

Because of the interests that they had,

Because of the way that they moved in the world,

Because of their,

The way that they live their lives.

Hopefully at least,

Hopefully this is why you chose them.

Right?

Hopefully you were not in a space of expecting the person to change because when you start out with that,

Wow,

Recipe for disaster as well.

Like that's not,

That's not a vibe,

Right?

And you wouldn't want somebody to want you to change either.

And I want to preface this by saying,

This is not the same thing as evolving together.

This is not the same thing as changing together,

Growing together,

Right?

Because I have an expectation of my future relationships that I will be with a person who is interested in personal growth and who is interested in,

Uh,

Bettering himself and bettering ourselves and doing that together.

Because that was something that for me was not present in my life,

In my,

Any of my previous relationships actually,

Because I wasn't necessarily holding that standard.

And like,

I mean,

We could go on forever,

But I'm going to end this episode here because now I could start talking to you about holding standards,

Um,

Which I will make a note of right now,

Holding standards because yeah,

That also needs to be talked about in relationships and just in life in general.

But I will,

I think that this will be sort of like a mini series over the next couple of weeks because the podcast that I came here to record is not the one that I ended up talking about here,

But I think that this is really juicy and relevant.

So hopefully this episode served you.

And if you would like to talk to me more about this or any other topic or submit a topic for the podcast,

Because I'm absolutely happy to riff on whatever you want me to riff on.

If you're,

If you have an idea,

If you're struggling with something,

You can,

Uh,

Leave a comment or a review and I can check those out.

Um,

And yeah,

I just hope that this served you and that you have an amazing weekend and I can't wait to see you on the next episode.

Ciao!

Reviews

I would like to concur with everything TJ said. It was perfect. I found you and this talk at a very timely time as if the universe led me to you. It is my day's goal now to listen to many more of your insights.

Such an important message. This is why my current relationship is ending and I really appreciate your talking about how you feel about this. It has helped me as it confirms why I feel the relationship has ended and where I made mistakes. Thank you.

This was very helpful and supportive. Thank you so much.

Wow. Thank you for articulating how I feel right now. I want to break free of compromise and sacrifice but I'm meeting alot of resistance which is shaking my confidence. These thoughts are very helpful for me right now. I am deeply grateful. Thank you 😊

This episode is so full of wisdom! Our needs, boundaries, and our integrity are interwoven as our identity, aren’t they? It’s so common and easy for us to “compromise” on one or more for the sake of “having a relationship,” or so-called relationship, and it can look and feel like what society projects to us is a relationship in whatever stage of life we are in. So we choose to “go through the motions” enjoying the pleasurable brain chemistry hits, ignoring red flags and how it actually feels. Compromising our boundaries and sacrificing our integrity to get some of our needs met can work for a while, but will catch up to us and be soul-damaging sooner or later and we personally own the consequences, no matter how much we want to blame anyone or anything besides ourselves. But there can be real love and real relationships for us to find out there that are good for our souls, can’t there? That will be an amazing podcast too when you do it. ☮️🤍🙏