'Everything Happens For a Reason' even when things are hard

In this episode I get ultra personal and talk about my struggle with believing that everything happens for a reason when things get tough. I share some examples of things that I am doing to move through this time and more about my journey with self-help and personal growth. Please note that this talk does contain explicit language and is not suitable for children.

Transcript

Hey guys,

So it's been a hot minute since I recorded a podcast,

But I wanted to come on and talk about something that is Really important to me and that has been coming up for me a lot lately,

Which is the idea of everything happens for a reason So I know that you've probably heard this at some point in your spiritual travels or journeys,

But It's something that is really really powerful But is really hard to use when the shit hits the fan So I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my background with this like belief to kind of get us started but When I first got into personal development,

That was about ten years ago,

Maybe even more actually eleven years ago and I got into it because I was at a stage in my life where I was You know not in a great place.

I was at university was being quite heavily bullied by people that I knew there I was in a less-than-stellar relationship and I just didn't really have any self-esteem I was also depressed and self-help and personal development was actually kind of my way out of that and so I Kind of began hearing this idea of like everything happens for a reason everything happens for a reason Around this time and when I first started hearing it the first thing that came to mind was this is bullshit.

This is bullshit.

It's crap It's not true at all that stuff happens for a reason like how can bad things happen for a reason and how can bad things Have good outcomes and all of these things that people were saying and I think it's actually really interesting as a side note that this is probably why we have spiritual teachers in the first place or why we have mentors or why coaches exist is because When someone is farther along the path than you are which obviously the teachers that I was coming across at the time were so when I first got started into personal development I was really into Mastin Kipp and I loved Gabby Bernstein and I got into Marie Forleo at the same time and to be honest with you I am still in love with Marie Forleo though I have veered away from the other two just because they don't represent where I'm at on my path anymore But I remember that all three of them talking about this idea and not really wanting to be in the same place and not wanting to believe it to be honest with you because Sometimes when you have a shitty attitude,

It's easier to believe your own garbage than it is to believe like something that you know is true It may not be true for you right now And if it isn't that's kind of why I'm saying this like it wasn't for me 10 years ago But it really is for me now and as I look back over the landscape of my life and I look back on my experiences In university,

Which I'm sure one day I'll talk about but today is not that day And I think about all the things I've gone through I can see a clear path From where I was 10 years ago to where I am today It's like a real-life version of connect the dots I can see how every choice and every person and every activity has come to me Has come to me At exactly the right time to teach me exactly the right lesson to get me exactly where I need to be So what i'm about to say to you now is actually going to be quite funny because I am in the midst of transitioning So I have moved back to italy And i'm just kind of getting settled back into life here And so much is coming up so much pain a lot of hurt a lot of stuff from the past Um interactions with people seeing people that I knew before and having to deal with them again Um,

It's just it's amazing A lot of things are coming up and I knew that when I came here there would be so much learning and so much growth I was well aware that that would be a huge part of my transition back into living in europe but I think I was a little bit naive about how hard it would be and uh even talking about this because You know,

They say don't share things until you're over it.

It's too raw It's too personal and i'm making a different choice today because I feel like what i'm going through is something that People who are first learning about this idea of everything happens for a reason It's something that they struggle with and i'm struggling with it again.

I've kind of taken two steps back.

I think with this idea Knowing that I will eventually transition back into the space of fully believing that that this is all happening for a reason But it's it's a little bit harder right now as i'm in the middle of it But I was naive I think about how difficult all of this would be and just how much learning was coming my way When I left europe,

I left for a million reasons and since then a lot has happened and In the time period from when I left italy in october of 2018 and now that i've come back I lived a completely different lifestyle than I was living here partly because I was in canada and partly because I was on a bit of a path of growing and It's really funny because within that eight month span itself.

I can see how every decision that I made Led me to exactly where I needed to be at the time But now that i'm back in italy and i'm dealing with some challenging situations in my personal life challenging situations with people that I know Here in the city that i'm living in challenging situations In my personal life my personal relationships I just am having a hard time making the connection between Why the things that are happening now are happening So I think it's really important to understand that there are going to be instances and I think this is what i'm living through right now where I can see that Sorry rewind I know That everything is happening for a reason.

So I know that everything that is happening to me right now Will ultimately serve My growth and my well-being I will be happier.

I will be stronger something good will come out of the shitstorm that i'm living right now But if you can even call it that it's not actually that bad because that was a bit of an exaggeration So I want to take that back But I can't see the why right now and I desperately want to I can feel so much resistance I'm really resisting everything that's coming up because I want to know why this is happening I want to know why i'm here.

I want to know why people are behaving the way they're behaving I want to know what people think of me and even that is baffling I don't really know why I want to know that but I do right now but I want to know the greater purpose of why i'm going through this so My birthday is actually coming up on June 29th And i'm going to be completely by myself for my birthday and partly that's a choice not partly it's a choice I am choosing to be alone for my birthday,

But it's really painful It's something that really hurts to be honest with you Even though i've chosen it and I know that so much will come from it But this is like also a culmination of choices that i've made and choices that other people have made And when I try to understand the reason why I get tripped up and I feel like shit and I find myself very resistant and almost unable to Have faith that there is something good that is coming from this it's just it's really interesting because I feel like there's sometimes a difference between knowing something intrinsically And living something so we know the right thing to do We know usually what we need we know usually what we want but there's a difference between knowing that and then living it And I know that everything happens for a reason,

But i'm still really struggling with being in faith that Everything that is happening right now,

Even though it feels tough,

Even though it feels heavy,

Even though it hurts is happening For the greater good of me and everyone involved in this situation I don't really want to dive any more into this because I want to start talking about solutions.

So now how do we get to a space of faith?

Especially when we feel like we can't because like I have to be honest with you as i'm saying this I'm like almost starting to tear up because I don't know if I can right now I don't know if I can move to a space of faith But I know that I can move a little closer to that and I think that's something too that's really important to remember sometimes that gentleness and that kindness and allowing yourself to be where you're at and to Just slowly move in the direction that you want to go.

So it's not about being 100% in faith today It's not about going from not believing or not understanding or being hurt or being sad to being the exact opposite Okay,

Right now I know that everything happens for a reason,

But it feels like shit I know that there's going to be some good that comes from this but it's crap at the minute So how do I resolve that?

Well,

I try and feel a little bit less crappy You know,

I try and do one thing that makes me feel a little bit better and I start to move in that direction So one of the things that's really been serving me in this time Especially in the last two days and I know that it will serve me moving forward as my birthday gets closer and most likely on the day of I have been journaling constantly a million times per day.

I'm lucky because I have I live in a situation that allows me to do that and I understand that that is not a realistic Expectation or a realistic like suggestion for a lot of people.

I happen to work from home So when I have breaks,

I know that I can take a second for myself and kind of connect in but it has been huge having these conversations with myself and one of the reasons is because one of the gifts that I wanted to give myself in moving back to Italy was being more independent and one of the ways that I'm trying to do that is by Focusing on being an integrity with myself first and then sharing with other people So I'm trying to go through my own shit first and then ask other people or then talk to other people about it if I if I want to or if I feel like I still need to but journaling has been massive for me because it really allows me to connect with the Truth of what I'm going through and it can be difficult too Like let's not underestimate the fact that there's a lot of people and myself included especially when I was younger Who lie to themselves in their journals?

I'd love for you to take a second and ask yourself if you're one of those people because like it's really common because We write maybe what we think other people might want to hear or what we want to read later But we're not necessarily writing the truth because sometimes the truth is really that ugly It is so ugly that we just don't want to face it even ourselves But I think that it's hugely important that we try to be as honest with ourselves as possible in these situations So i've been journaling every minute that I can when something comes up I was about to record this podcast and I found myself reaching for my phone.

So I journaled about it There's a bunch of resistance coming up.

I was in the middle of journaling and then I touched my phone again Okay,

Full stop i'm coming up against resistance and i'm focusing on that to try and bring me back to my journaling Not to try and bring me back to center and to try and get to the truth of what really is hurting me Why am I so out of faith?

Why am I having trouble believing that even in this situation like every other situation i've had in my life?

Like I can see over the past 10 years or the past eight months Why in this specific moment am I having so much trouble believing that everything happens for a reason?

And one of the things that's come up is that I just i'm not loving myself enough And to be honest with you,

I see this with clients all the time 90 percent of the time Basically any problem that you come up against the answer is probably going to be that you're just not loving yourself enough Not accepting yourself enough not being kind enough to yourself in whatever situation that you find yourself in And a huge helping of self-love will make literally any situation better So journaling got me to that point and now i'm able to say,

Okay So if I know that i'm coming up against resistance,

How can I move through this?

And one of the ways I move through resistance and this is probably not popular opinion,

But I just do something So i'm moving through resistance right now because i'm talking to myself on my you know computer I'm recording this podcast to share with all of you guys and I am getting it out and As the time scrolls and I can see my voice being turned into like little marks on the screen Like I feel more in flow.

I feel like I've moved past the resistance.

I feel healthier.

I feel happier.

I feel lighter All of these things that are really important to me And then I know too that I need to up my self-love.

Okay.

Well,

How am I going to do that?

Well today I went to the esthetician And um,

You know did something kind for myself and even there there was lessons which is another story in and of itself but That was really powerful for me because I got out of the house and I took care of myself then I went to my favorite store and I bought some fruit and Buying that fruit is another way that I show myself love and i've been journaling So even the act of journaling and realizing that I need self-love and then continuing to journal as things come up.

That is all self-love I've also been meditating a lot and meditating in a way that I don't normally meditate.

So I'm a big fan of guided meditations I'm if you're any of my clients or if you've ever talked to me personally,

You know that I love love love Insight timer.

I just think that thing is amazing That app is phenomenal the fact that it's free and it's providing so much value and just totally of service I just I feel so aligned with their values and I Actually have a meditation on there if you're ever interested.

It's actually called the happiness meditation or happiness.

Um,

I have to double check it,

But I can like link it below as well If you ever want to give it a go But yeah,

I normally do guided meditations and I make a lot of guided meditations for my clients as well Because I find that sometimes I have a hard time Calming my monkey mind and guided meditations really help me do that but this week in taking care of myself and in moving through the resistance and trying to love myself more i've been Trying to just listen What a scary thought right?

I mean it's terrifying and I even as i'm saying this god I'm,

Like super emotional today guys getting all my stuff out on this podcast but um I'm as I say this i'm tearing because i've been having these conversations with myself where it's like,

Okay What do I need or what do I want to know?

I do a lot of communicating in my meditations and I try to communicate with the higher selves of other people and I try to bring people to mind who have hurt me and you know the other people involved in this situation that i'm in right now And I try to think what do you need?

What are you craving?

Why are you behaving like this because We are usually behaving However,

We behave because we need something to fulfill a need and almost always it's to get love And I know that that's really hard to remember when somebody is behaving shitty But people don't want to hurt you people aren't Inherently,

You know mean or bad people So I think remembering that and trying to focus on the good is so so so helpful In bringing you back to center and so what I do in these moments is I try to reach out As my highest self to their higher selves ask them what they're feeling ask them what they're needing And I try to move from that space remind reminding myself all the while that we're all human and we all want love Now,

Like let's have a minute of real talk.

Is that making this situation any easier for me?

Yes and no Yes long-term doing this is is going to make things easier in the moment It does ease up a little bit But I still find that i'm struggling to get back into that space of faith and believing that all of this is happening For me not to me to help me to teach me to help me learn to grow and evolve And I think that the last thing I want to say about this is that what I really need and what I think Most people need when they're in a space that they don't want to be in is a huge dose of self-acceptance So i'm going to be straight up i've been in italy for a little over a week and I have been Pushing the entire time that i've been here.

I don't want to be tired.

I don't want to be jet-lagged I don't want to not work.

I don't want to be doing any of the things that i'm doing I just want to like get back into my rhythm right now routine go Work do all the things that I was doing when I was in canada for eight months without Any kind of recognition of the fact that i've been here for a week a week.

I mean,

It's ridiculous,

Right?

And i'm moving through all of these things and all these old emotions are coming up and all these old people are coming back into My life and I have to establish a new routine and i've not accepted any of it And so I think that that is one of the pieces that we need to remember when we're not in faith is that we kind of Just need to accept.

Okay,

You know i'm not in faith right now That's cool And i'm doing the best that I can Just like the other people in the situation are doing the best that they can just like everyone is a good person I am a good person and I am doing the absolute best I can with what i've got and like even for this podcast I'm going to be totally honest with you guys.

I don't think this is my best work necessarily I'm talking to you guys and kind of processing as I as I go through and All of these things are coming up and i'm getting more ideas of like oh well you could process it like by doing this You you could step into faith by doing this But this is the best that I can do right now And it's better than doing nothing,

Right?

So I just want to go over these things again self-acceptance Okay is like here's the thing that I'm doing right now Self-acceptance,

Okay is like huge,

Uh finding ways to connect to yourself and finding ways to move Away from whatever negative state you're in and moving closer to faith remembering that that happens in baby steps and it doesn't have to be always quantum leaps and like all these intense things like It's not about being in faith.

It's about feeling better than you do right now and doing whatever it takes to get you there So honoring yourself,

Okay And really connecting with yourself and figuring out what you need and what tools help you get there And so for me,

Like I said,

It's uh journaling it's meditating it's running.

It's reaching out to friends if I need it It's numbing sometimes.

Hey,

Like I I don't even care.

I you know unpopular opinion again Sometimes I can't think about a situation anymore and I want to watch like some tv and I and I do it right again Again,

Loving yourself accepting yourself and moving from that space So all of this is to say that again You can know that everything happens for a reason without Feeling that at that moment.

I know That in a week from now or a month from now or two months from now I will look back and I will see this as a beautiful dot On the chart of my life over the last 10 years That has brought me to a new and fruitful and beautiful place and I will be so grateful for this experience right now Even though i'm you know,

Kind of silently crying as i'm saying this to you guys I know that something good will come from this even if right now It hurts Even if right now it's hard Even if right now I feel overwhelmed and I feel like I could be doing a million things and I could be doing better Every single thing that i'm feeling is leading me to the path to understanding a new level and a new version of my best self And I am forever grateful for my journey and the fact that i'm here and i'm able to have conversations like this with other people who maybe or where i'm at work 10 years ago who are thinking Everything happens for a reason that's bullshit.

No,

I promise you it does it does all of it All of it,

Even the bad stuff even the stuff that feels like it's stomping on your heart It is teaching you something and it is bringing you to the next evolution of who you are supposed to be In this lifetime on this planet and I really hope that my story and my frankness and My experience that i've shared with you in this these 20 minutes serve you and Help you move to a space of deeper love and deeper self-acceptance and a deeper understanding that even if you don't feel today the way you want to you can absolutely take a small step to get back there Whatever it might be that you're doing Know that I am here and I love you all so much and i'm sending you so much good vibes and good light and energy and love and I hope that this serves you and If you want to reach out you can find me on instagram at at candice alacia c a n d i c e a l e s s i a and at candice alacia coaching on facebook or Candicealacia.

Com online if you want to check out my little online home It's been amazing to be able to connect with you and thank you so much for being here and for listening all the way to the end and yeah,

I just can't wait to keep connecting with you guys this way.

So again,

Lots of love

Reviews

I appreciate your honesty and openness. Thank you for reminding me that everything happens for a reason. I am trying to keep my faith alive, too. All the best.

Thank you for your authenticity, Candice. I wish you well on your journey. Living in Italy has a way of breaking one down to their raw foundation so they can rebuild only with their bare, brilliant and necessary elements. In bocca al lupo!

Thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻After 24 years, I will be moving back to Europe. Just came back from a visit for 2 weeks, and it gave me a realty check, which is a very good thing. What comes up when I am hearing your story: scratch the word "try" out of your vocabulary, and see where that leads you...🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Thank you for being so open and vulnerable with your share. I am feeling very similarly in my life now. I believe strongly in Everything Happens For A Reason too. I also am really working to notice my baby steps and being okay with small increments of change. Even sometimes having moments that seemingly look like set backs.
I moved in with my boyfriend a year ago. I've gained wait in that year and have become more sedentary partly because I have flat feet and they hurt more when my leg muscles are softer and I have extra weight. I know that yoga, bike riding, and eating mostly fresh fruits and veggies is what I need. Yet I'm really struggling to give myself those things regularly.
Last night, I was having a talk with my boyfriend. I started it with listening to This American Life - episode 88 Numbers, 4th Act -The Salesman. It's about a salesman whose homework is to sell his product (Himself) to someone. He chose his wife. He learned what she needed from the product (him) to be a satisfied customer (his wife). They broke down that doing certain things for her, helped her to feel more like a team, more loved.
My boyfriend wasn't getting the same thing from the story as I was. I felt frustrated. I had tried something like this before with a similar response.
So I took some minutes to get to a specific thing I needed. I realized that I wanted him to touch me more, but that my extra weight helped me to feel unlovable. I told him this. He said that I was beautiful as I was. I asked for details. He said my face, my legs, my breasts. We hugged, and I said that it was Not his job to make me feel more lovable. It's my job. At the same time, this is an old wound I have. I told him It would be very helpful to me if he touched me more in this body. It felt good to say it out loud to him. This extra weight is here to help me learn to love myself unconditionally.
I almost stopped writing this many times as I saw how long it was getting, but I pushed on because I keep hearing about the loneliness epidemic. I feel like we need to keep on being vulnerable with eachother as much as possible. That will greatly help break down the walls.
Namaste:)

Loving oneself more Is always the answer....love that!