How I Blocked My Creativity For Decades Because Of Fear

I wanted to be a writer since I was 12 years old. Or that's the age I remember. But I blocked my creativity and didn't write for a whole decade in my twenties. Why did I do that? Plain and simple, fear of the unknown.

Transcript

Hi everyone! I hope that you're doing amazing where we are in the world. My name is Boomshika and I welcome you to my channel. As always I'm so grateful that you're listening, Subscribing and commenting. I really appreciate the support and if you're interested in supporting me further you can do that by going to my Patreon or Ko-fi link. They're both in the description below. In this one I wanted to speak to you about creativity and my writing. I know that I've been doing a lot more videos on writing than I have in the past because my friend recently told me you know you're a writer and that's one of the major things you do with your life but you never talk about it in one of your most powerful social media channels. I have 11, 000 something subscribers and I have never spoken about my writing not as much as I should because literally writing is I would say 90% of my day or more. I'm always thinking about it and then I'm thinking about videos like the rest of the time so that's basically my day. Or food actually food should be part of it as well. But in general I wanted to do more videos about this so if you don't really care about writing that much obviously you can skip this video completely. I wanted to speak to you guys about my creativity today and how for the longest time for decades I would say two decades one and a half at least I blocked my creativity completely. I blocked it so much that I can't even believe that I am still here being creative. Now one of the reasons why I blocked my creativity was because of outside pressure obviously and my parents didn't understand or believe that my creativity my writing would ever lead me anywhere good. They didn't believe that I could make money from it and they wanted me to get a career where it was much more stable where I would be able to make oodles of money where I would be able to take care of myself or I'd be independent you know that was one of their main things. They never wanted me to rely on anyone else independence was always a big thing for them especially my mother because she knows how terrible it is to rely on someone else all the time you know and so she always made sure that you know go get educated go get a lot of education and then go get a really good job and then go get make a lot of money and then be independent don't rely on anyone. And of course writing didn't fall into that category of making a lot of money becoming a doctor did becoming an engineer or a lawyer did becoming something in the IT industry did but writing never in their hearts or in their minds resulted in something where I would make a lot of money and be independent so of course there was a lot of pressure from that and be like just they like just become a doctor and then make a lot of money and then you can save up that money and then when you're 50 or 60 then you can start writing and I was like alright fine and as a child because I love them and I wanted to have an harmonious relationship with them I was like alright cool I'll just go along with them I'll just write on the side. Now of course as life got busy and I got really really tired because I was working a full-time job and you know going to school full-time or working part-time mostly and then going to school full-time it was just very very strenuous it was a very busy life as it always is but for everyone and I got busy and I didn't think about my writing that much I was too busy getting nice grades or good grades I was too busy making money to pay for my school for my tuition I was too busy hanging out with friends I was too busy discovering a new life in university and doing all that you know and so it was really interesting to me that you know years and years passed by and I did not write a single word I would journal a little bit here and there whenever I felt like I needed a little bit of support you know I was an introvert and I couldn't just go up to someone be like I feel terrible can you can I vent to you it was just not possible for me so I would vent to my journal so I journaled a lot but there was no creativity in there there was no imagination that I was using I wasn't being extremely creative in any sense of the word I was doing a little bit of abstract painting here and there I would do oil paints or things like that but it was just very sporadic and it wasn't really on a regular basis and it didn't really speak to my soul as much as writing did but as I said I did not write for a long time I wrote a lot when I was 12 13 14 something like that and then I stopped because school got very busy and then I didn't write anything at all until my 20s like late 20s I would say as I said I journal a little bit here and there and I dreamt about writing I thought about writing a lot and really wanted to become a writer but I was like no I need to follow the path that's gonna make me money because then once I have money that I can you know retire and then I can write of course you know as you guys know if you've read my story or if you've taught you've listened to any of my videos that things didn't actually work out they really were meant to and you know I just wasn't happy enough in the way that I was doing doing things you know and thankfully as I've said many times before I was rejected from med school three times and so you know I took that as a message from the universe saying this is not the path for you I know you worked at it but this is not for you go do something else and so I was like alright cool I guess I'm not going to become a doctor thankfully I didn't waste some years and years and years in school not writing I'm so grateful for that and so I didn't do that of course but then I was like well maybe I can get a master's in marketing and then I can become a marketer because marketers are creative right they do they do creative things I think and I confuse marketing with advertising because I think advertising is very creative but marketing not so much it's okay it's not that creative so then I try to you know block my creativity or move my creativity or diverged it into marketing and again it didn't work out that way either because I would get a job in marketing and I'd be so bored and I would not like it at all and I would sabotage it somehow get fired or quit it or leave I'd save up money I'd go traveling because I was like what should I do I really want I don't like these jobs they're not fun for me and then eventually I've told you guys this before I read the book the war of art by Steven Pressfield it's obviously a play on words on the art of war by Sun Tzu and so it's about how there is a constant war on art it's always against us there is a war of resistance resistance is always coming against us and trying to prevent us from being creative it's constantly coming against us and trying to prevent us from following our heart from following our path the path that's meant for the evolution of our soul and that's exactly what I was doing to myself so when I read the book and I've said this before it was in April 2016 I read it on a Saturday and I quit my job on the Monday after because I knew that I was basically sabotaging myself I could not do that path anymore I was wasting my time with it I needed to figure out what my true path was and I wasn't going to do that by trying to make a lot of money and then retiring and as you guys know you probably know like then I moved to Chiang Mai and I started writing a lot I did the NaNoWriMo and things like that and I've written a book about writing and it's on Amazon right now it's called how to get over yourself and write every single day because that's basically what my journey was how to get over myself how did I get over myself how did I get over decades of not writing and finally start writing every single day and I've been writing every single day as I said for four years now I write a thousand words every single day and I've been writing a thousand words every single day prolifically as my friend says for the last four years and I don't see any I don't see that I'm gonna quit anytime soon unless of course I die or something terrible happens to me and so I wrote this book because I went through that and I see a lot of people around me going through that as well not necessarily in terms of writing necessarily it's not that they become want to become writers some of them do but a lot of them it's just basically about creativity there is something that their heart desires something that their heart is asking them to do their heart wants to follow a certain path it's their soul's desire it's their soul's path but of course instead of following that path we sabotage ourselves and we be go and we let resistance take us in the wrong direction we keep on finding different ways to not live our true path just like I did you know I tried this and I tried that I was like all right let me try med school no it didn't work out okay let me try marketing oh no it didn't work out let me try something else and I tried a thousand different things because I was constantly trying to figure out what it was whereas I always knew deep down that that's what I wanted to do is writing now that I'm writing I'm not searching anymore it's not like when I was in the past when I was younger and I didn't write as much I was I was like I was like a chicken with its head cut off you know I would like a constantly be searching I was like not able to sit still I was constantly anxious I literally had so much anxiety in my body and I was not able to I would constantly be moving my leg or I tapping my fingers or twitching in some way because it was just like there was this desire in me to find that path to go live that path but I could not do it and because I couldn't there was all this anxious nervous restless energy within me but now I feel like I am a brilliant times calmer and I don't rush off into different things I'm not trying a hundred different things all the time I'm not looking for something I'm not searching for something I know what it is I've found it and I'm living it right and so there's a there's a there's a level of calmness and a level of non anxiety that has been introduced into me my body my spirit because I'm living my path and it's a complete difference guys from the way I was guys and gals from the way I was in the past when I was completely not living my path it's it's a night and day difference it's it's so different that I can't even explain to you how it is but I wanted to do this video not because I want to be like hurry I found my path and look at me I'm so cool but because I'm sure there's a lot of you out there as well who are in this creative slump or at this creative decade-long slump or two decades three decade long slump that I was in maybe you are in the same spot where you know perhaps what you want to do but you're not doing it or you have no idea what your soul wants to do and you're not doing it or you know you never want to find out because you're so afraid of what your soul wants to do and so you probably perhaps maybe you're in the situation maybe you're not maybe you are living your dream life and I'm so happy if you are but I wanted to share my journey because if I can do it if I can find my path after decades of not living it then I can assure you that you can as well absolutely you can and I really just wanted to do this video to assure you that you can and please if you have any kind of compulsion within you that you want to find your soul's path please go for it especially right now because as I said time is limited we might all be dead soon we have no idea what's going on in the world and things that the way things are looking it might be that we might be in a world war so who knows I hope not but who knows so like it's really imminent are very very important that we look for our path right now because we don't have that much time we might not have that much money we might have a lot of time and then you can live your path and awesome right but if you don't it's very important that you search right now instead of being like oh I'll look for it when I'm retired or I'll look for it when I'm you know that or this just look for it right now all right this is the time for you to do it I hope this makes sense I hope I was able to explain myself to you if you have any questions about this comment below and I shall do a follow-up video I will be doing a lot more videos on creativity in general because this is something that I've been wanting to share a lot of but I haven't because I thought that I wasn't the right person for it because I didn't I wasn't creative for so long but I guess right now I'm like alright fine I've been creative creative enough for a while now and I think I'm ready to share my stuff so hopefully this is useful to you obviously as I said if you have questions message me and I'll do a follow-up video thank you so much for watching for being on my channel I really appreciate it and I shall see you the next time around bye for now

Reviews

So glad you found your hearts purpose. When you spoke about living from the heart through your creativity I was immensely inspired and it resonated strongly with me. Thank you for sharing.