To get here in this now,
Let's inhale.
Exhale.
Pull in all kinds of fresh and beautiful air.
Now let it go.
Welcome to a hit of hope.
Unearthing our best self is a worthy goal,
But recently it felt as if my best self were buried 53 feet down in the earth and all I had was a toothbrush to excavate it and it was dark and sleeting.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Why did my best self feel so far away?
Because I found myself slipping back into old patterns of thought where I let fear and smallness rule me.
I was back in an all-too- familiar mental space where everything that came in was filtered not through a soft and kind lens.
I didn't have those big dough eyes that those filters can give you,
But I pulled everything in through a lens that magnified and exaggerated every single one of my shortcomings.
Sounds like a horrible place to be,
Doesn't it?
And yet for decades,
More often than not,
That's the space I had resided in and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
It was comforting to go back there.
I know this space.
I know the rules.
I know what will happen next.
Inhale.
Exhale.
You might have been in similar unhappy or unhealthy spaces in your head.
Maybe they can be weirdly comforting for you,
Too.
But I have a feeling if you are here,
You also know that you don't want to stay in those kinds of spaces,
As comfortable as they may be.
And maybe,
Just maybe,
You are choosing to notice what you are doing.
Oh,
I'm going back to that familiar pattern.
Maybe you choose to focus on your breath and give yourself whatever space or distance you can from which to look at yourself,
Your thoughts,
And decide from there what to do.
Which thoughts do you want to pick up?
Which thoughts do you want to move away from?
It's easy to get stuck in these old patterns of thought,
But meditation allows us the chance to notice these ruts.
The idea is to use the breath to move gently into and ultimately out of what are called samskaras,
Those deep habitual grooves that create certain tendencies.
So we have these habitual grooves that create tendencies that then influence how we act.
The problem is when we get out of our ruts,
We might land squarely in the land of bewilder.
According to my dear friend,
The Oxford English Dictionary,
Bewilder is to lose in pathless places,
To confound for want of a plain road.
When we do not know what is coming next,
When we are in pathless places,
When all we want is a plain road,
We often go back to our mental habits because they feel familiar and comfortable,
Even though they might not serve us.
Don't know what's gonna happen?
Why not control as much as we can?
Or anybody else's head do this?
There is this thing happening.
It is new and different,
But I am this way.
This is who and how I am.
Therefore,
I am sure to screw up this new thing just the way I always have.
Don't believe me?
Here,
Let me prove it by listing all of the ways I am messed up.
And whammo!
This new thing is now infected by that annoying self that I cannot get rid of.
See,
I knew that would happen.
Why?
Why would we do this?
Because it feels easier and a hell of a lot safer to protect and prevent rather than open ourselves up to be bewildered,
To move along those pathless places and see what might happen.
Simply and crassly put,
We shut that shit down before it has a chance to hurt us.
Sometimes that is the wisest course of action.
Let me count the ways we can be hurt by the world.
And yet what else are we shutting down?
When we scurry back to our old patterns like they are dark and dank holes in the ground.
We might feel safe,
But what new and wondrous things are we hiding ourselves from?
What delights are hovering,
Just waiting to be invited in?
And all we have to do is quiet and open,
Soften and smile.
Fine.
Let's keep picking up those damn toothbrushes and working gently,
Carefully to brush away the gravel and dirt until we get all the way down and into those best selves.
The ones who are waiting patiently for us with kind eyes and open arms.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Namaste.
