Why Saying No Feels So Hard

Do you say yes when you mean no, then feel stuck with resentment and guilt? In this talk, therapist Ashley explains why fear of upsetting others has deep roots, why guilt is not always a sign you did something wrong, and how to practice small, doable boundaries using ACT-informed skills. Includes a short grounding practice.

Transcript

Hello, I'm Ashley, And I've been a therapist since 2010. This is one of my educational recordings where we slow down and make sense of how our minds and bodies work so that you can understand what's happening and have practical tools to work with it. There's nothing you need to do except listen. You can take notes or you can let it just wash over you. Either one works. A quick note, This is for education and support. It isn't a substitute for therapy or medical care. All right. Let's get into it. Sometimes the hardest part of saying no isn't finding the words. It's wondering what will happen after you say them. Will they be disappointed? Will things feel awkward? Will you feel guilty? Before you've even answered, You're already thinking about how to keep everything okay. Maybe this has happened to you. Someone asks you for something. And every cell in your body is going, Nope. And your mouth says, Sure, No problem. And then you spend the next three days a little annoyed at them, A little annoyed at yourself, And somehow also apologizing for being annoyed. If that sounds familiar, You're in very good company, And I'm really glad you're here. In this talk, We're going to look at why saying no can feel so hard, Why being scared of upsetting people is not a character flaw, And a few small doable ways to start practicing something different. Here's the thing I want you to know first. This didn't come out of nowhere. For a lot of us, This started with learning that other people's feelings were our responsibility. Maybe you had to read the room the second you walked into your childhood home. Maybe love seemed to come with conditions. Be helpful. Be easy. Don't cause trouble. Or maybe someone you loved was struggling and being the calm, Steady one helped keep things feeling okay. Different experiences, But each can explain why you learned to watch other people's needs so closely. It wasn't silly. It was smart. A kid who learns to scan for upset is a kid doing their best to stay safe and stay connected. And that habit can follow you into adulthood. Think of it as a scanner. You notice someone's tone or expression. You pick up on disappointment, And you immediately wonder, What do I need to do to keep things okay? It doesn't just switch off when you grow up. It just shows up in new places. In a group chat, A friend writes, Is anyone actually going to help me plan this? You needed a quiet weekend, But you hear the frustration and type, I can help. Before you've actually checked in with yourself. Maybe at work, A co-worker is annoyed because someone microwaved fish in the break room and asks, Can you talk to them about this? Before you've decided whether you want to get involved, You hear yourself saying, Sure, I can handle it. You don't want to be the break room fish referee. You just want the tension to go away. Different situations, Same pattern. You notice someone else's discomfort and say yes before you've even considered your own needs. If you've ever thought, What's wrong with me? Why can't I just say no? Try looking at it in this way. You're not broken. You're noticing a well-practiced response that learned to keep things okay. Understanding this pattern gives you a different place to start than blaming yourself. So here's what keeps the pattern going. Someone asks you for a favor you don't want to do. You say yes, And perhaps the tight anxious feeling eases. Phew. You may not. Want to do the favor, But the immediate tension has gone down for now. That relief is the part I want you to notice. When saying yes brings that relief, Your brain takes notice. Oh, That worked. Saying yes eased the scary feeling, So let's do that again. It's the immediate relief that makes the same response tempting the next time. When that relief keeps you saying yes, The pattern can get stronger. And here's the sneaky part. If you say yes every single time, You don't get to see how the person would respond to a no. Maybe they'd be disappointed for the afternoon and then be fine later. But you don't know yet. Your brain is relying on what it's learned before without new information. Okay, So now let's talk about guilt because guilt is a big one. A lot of people feel that pang when they say no and think, See, I feel guilty. That must mean I did something wrong. Here's another way to look at it. Guilt can be like a smoke alarm that goes off when you're making toast. Loud, Urgent, And demanding your attention. Sometimes there is no fire. You've simply done something your system isn't used to. So the feeling alone doesn't tell you whether you've done something wrong. You can notice the alarm and still look at what actually happened. With acceptance commitment therapy, We say a feeling can show up without being in charge. You can feel guilty and still do the thing that fits what matters to you. Guilt isn't always a sign that you did something wrong. Sometimes it's just a sign that you did something new. So now I'd like to walk you through a short practice. You can do it right along with me, And there's no right or wrong way to do it. If you're driving or in the middle of doing something, Just listen for now and come back to this part later. So bring to mind something small, Not the biggest, Scariest conversation of your life. Something tiny. Maybe a request you'd normally say yes to, Even though you'd rather not. Now, If it feels okay, Put your hand on your chest or on your belly. And take a slow breath in. And breathe out. Imagine saying no to the request. What shows up. Maybe a tight chest, Maybe a little wave of worry. Maybe a voice saying, But what will they think? Whatever shows up is okay. See if you can name it. Oh, I'm worrying. Oh, I feel guilty. Here's that tight feeling. You don't have to push it away. You don't have to hand it the keys. It can just sit in the passenger seat like a guest who showed up a little early. One more breath in. And out. And that's it. That's the skill. Noticing the feeling without letting it drive. You can always come back and repeat this practice on your own. Okay, So now that we've practiced making room for feelings, Now let's talk about what you might actually say. The term boundary gets thrown around a lot alongside a bunch. . . Of similar words like standards, Expectations, Requests, Agreements, And rules. These terms can kind of all start sounding like the same thing, But they're not. And you don't need to memorize them. I just want you to hear how different they sound because the difference is where your power is. Let's use an everyday situation, Protecting your evenings. Let's start with the term standard. Here I'm meaning standard is related to what matters to you. So rest matters to me. That's a value. It's not an instruction for anyone. And expectation is what you assume will happen. They know I won't answer my texts this late at night. But do they? I thought they knew isn't an agreement. What's obvious to you might be brand new information to them. Now a request is where you actually ask, Could you stop texting me after 8? Here's the thing, They can say yes or no or come up with a compromise. You're not asking, You're not deciding for them. If they say, Sure, I can stop texting you after eight. Now you've got an agreement, And you both have kind of said yes. A room is what is allowed in a shared space. Is something that you and your partner might agree on at home. At work, It might come down to whomever oversees the place. Now listen to this one, A boundary. My phone goes away at eight. I'll reply in the morning. Hear the difference? Every other word on this list needs someone else. Their understanding, Their yes, Their cooperation. A boundary doesn't. A boundary is just, This is my limit and here's what I'll do. That's why you have to answer my texts right away. That's my boundary. Isn't really a boundary. It's a request in a boundary costume. You can absolutely ask for things. You just can't control how the other person responds. Your boundary is the part about your own choices. So let's bring it back to the group chat. Your friend asks, Is anyone actually going to help me plan this? You can say, I can book the dinner, But I can't plan the whole weekend. That's a boundary. It doesn't tell anyone what to do. It just tells the truth about what you can do. And the break room fish dilemma. When your coworker asks you to talk up to the fish microwaver, Your boundary can simply be as, I'm not the one that can handle this. You can bring it up yourself or maybe they can talk to the manager. You can dislike the situation without really becoming the fish referee. Here's the short version. A standard says, This matters to me. An expectation says, This is what I think will happen. A request is would or could you. And agreement says, We've both said yes. A rule says this is what is allowed in this space. And a boundary says this is my limit and here's what I'll do. The goal isn't to get every label perfect. It is to be transparent and say what you mean, Leaving room for another person's choices and to be honest about your own. Helping people isn't the problem. Caring is beautiful. Showing up for your friends and your family and your community can reflect something you deeply value. The question isn't, Do I give too much? It's, Am I choosing this because it matters to me or am I saying yes automatically because disappointing someone feels unbearable? If helping leaves you resentful, Exhausted, Or that your own needs have quietly disappeared. That's worth paying attention to. Okay, So how do we actually practice this? I like to keep it really small. Three steps. Step one, Notice the pool. That automatic urge to say yes, To move things over, To fix it. I want you to catch it and say, Oh, There it is. Step two, Ask yourself what matters here. Honesty, Rest, Being fully present for the people you love. Instead of being stretched too thin. Let the value be your compass, Not the guilt. Step three, Take the smallest step, Not the biggest, The smallest. Here are a few starter phrases you can borrow. You might want to jot these down or you can just come back to this part later. Let me think about it and I'll get back to you. This one is gold. By the way. It buys you time to answer from your values instead of from your panic. I can't do that. And I can do this. Use this example when you genuinely want to offer something. But not every situation. To a no needs a replacement yes just remember that. Simply saying, This doesn't work for me. Or the classic when you're declining an invitation or an offer. Just simply say, No thank you. Full stop. You don't have to give a long explanation. If you've already made a commitment, You can still be brief while talking through what needs to change. Start with low stakes. Choosing where to eat, Or waiting an hour before answering a text. Before you try it, Make little predictions for yourself. How upset do I think they'll be and for how long? Afterwards, Ask. What actually happened. That's the experiment. You are comparing your prediction with what you actually observed. This way your brain can get new information instead of just relying only on fear. Over time, You may discover that someone can be disappointed and your relationship can still hold a little bit of no. Okay, So you did it. You said the thing. And now your brain is doing the, Oh no, Was that rude? Should I text them? Should I apologize, Spiral? This is where I'd ask you to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend. If your friend just told you they set their first boundary in years, You wouldn't say, Wow, You were being selfish. You'd say, That was brave. How are you feeling? I want you to give yourself that. And one more heads up. When you change the dance. The other dancers may step on your toes for a little bit. People who are used to the old pattern might push back or seem surprised. That doesn't automatically mean you did something wrong. It might just mean the dance is changing. Go slow and be patient with everyone, Including yourself. Before we wrap up, I need to say something very, Very important here. Everything we've talked about is for everyday relationships, The kind where a no might be awkward or uncomfortable. But if saying no to someone makes you feel unsafe, They are getting threatening, Controlling, Or scary, Then please don't practice this alone. That's a situation for safety planning with a professional. You can get a hold of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. In the United States. If you're elsewhere, A local support line or a licensed professional can help you. Your safety comes first, Always. Before we go, Here's what I hope you'll remember. Your fear of upsetting people may have a history that makes sense. Saying yes can bring relief, Which keeps the pattern going. Guilt can be a smoke alarm, Not proof that there's a fire. And a boundary names your limits and what you'll do to honor it. So start small. Notice the pool. Ask yourself what matters. And take one honest step. Then be kind to yourself afterwards. You don't have to become a different person. You're just practicing being a little bit more honest with yourself and with the people in your life. If this talk landed for you, Feel free to come back to it, Especially before a moment where you want to practice setting a boundary. Once is a good start, But maybe hearing in another time will help it sink in. And remember, It's okay to slow down. Thanks for listening, Be kind, And leave the rush behind.