Fireside Fables: Alice In Wonderland - Ch. 3

Cozy up in bed and tune into this fireside reading of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Down the rabbit hole, we'll go, lulling our senses with the soothing sounds of stories and a crackling wood stove.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Fireside Fables.

My name is Ashley and I'm going to read to you a story,

Chapter three,

From Lewis Carroll's book Alice in Wonderland,

And allow you to just let your mind be carried away to far off places and slowly allow you to drift into a more drowsy,

Dream-like state of being.

So get yourself comfortable,

Close your eyes,

And let's begin with a few really deep breaths,

Filling up the body as you settle in.

Long breath out on the exhale,

Take a few more breaths just like that,

And I'm going to throw another log on the fire and then we'll be back to start with chapter three,

A caucus race,

And a long tail.

So,

And now let's begin.

They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank,

The birds with draggled feathers,

The animals with their fur clinging close to them,

And all dripping wet,

Cross,

And uncomfortable.

The first question of course was,

How to get dry again?

They had a consultation about this,

And after a few minutes it seemed quite natural to Alice to find herself talking familiarly with them,

As if she'd known them all her life.

Indeed,

She had quite a long argument with Delorey,

Who at last turned sulkily and would only say,

I am older than you and must know better,

And this Alice would not allow without knowing how old it was,

And as Delorey positively refused to tell its age,

There was no more to be said.

At last,

The mouse,

Who seemed to be a person of authority among them,

Called out,

Sit down all of you,

All of you,

And listen to me,

I'll soon make you dry again.

They all sat down at once in a large ring with the mouse in the middle.

Alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it,

For she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get dry very soon.

Ahem,

Said the mouse with an unimportant air,

Are you all ready?

This is the driest thing I know.

Silence all around if you please.

William the Conqueror,

Whose cause was favoured by the Pope,

Was soon submitted to by the English,

Who wanted leaders and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest.

Edwin and Morka,

The earls of Mercia Northumbria.

Ugh,

Said Delorey with a shiver.

I beg your pardon,

Said the mouse frowning,

But very politely.

Did you speak?

Not I,

Said Delorey hastily.

I thought you did,

Said the mouse.

I proceed.

Edwin and Morka,

The earls,

Found what,

Said the duck.

Found it,

The mouse replied rather crossly.

Of course you know what it means.

I know what it means well enough.

When I find a thing,

Said the duck,

It's generally a frog or a worm.

The question is,

What did the archbishop find?

The mouse did not notice this question,

But hurriedly went on.

Found it advisable to go with the Edgar Adling to meet William and offer him the crown.

William's conduct at first was moderate,

But the insolence of his Normans.

.

.

Insolence of his Normans?

How are you getting on now,

My dear?

It continued,

Turning to Alice as it spoke.

As wet as ever,

Said Alice in a melancholy tone.

It doesn't seem to dry me at all.

In that case,

Said the dodo solemnly,

Rising to its feet,

I move that the meeting adjourn for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies.

Speak English,

Said the eaglet.

I don't know the meaning of half those long words,

And what's more,

I don't believe you do either.

And the eaglet bent down its head to hide a smile.

Some of the other birds tittered audibly.

What I was going to say,

Said the dodo in an offended tone,

Was that the best thing to get us dry would be a caucus race.

What is a caucus race?

Said Alice,

Not that she much wanted to know,

But the dodo had paused as if it thought that somebody ought to speak,

And no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

Why,

Said the dodo,

The best way to explain it is to do it.

And as you might like to try the thing yourself some winter day,

I will tell you how the dodo managed it.

First,

It marked out a race course in a sort of circle.

The exact shape doesn't matter,

It said,

And then all the party were placed along the course here and there.

There was no one,

Two,

Three,

And away,

But they began running where they liked and left off where they liked,

So that it was not easy to know when the race was over.

However,

When they had been running half an hour or so,

And were quite dry again,

The dodo suddenly called out,

The race is over,

And they all crowded around it,

Panting and asking,

But who has won?

The question the dodo could not answer without a great deal of thought,

And it stood for a long time with one finger pressed upon its forehead,

The position in which you usually see Shakespeare in the pictures of him.

While the rest waited in silence,

At last the dodo said,

Everybody has won and all must have prizes.

But who's to give the prizes?

Quite a chorus of voices asked.

Why,

She,

Of course,

Said the dodo,

Pointing to Alice with one finger,

And the whole party at once crowded around her,

Calling out in a confused way,

Hey,

Prizes,

Prizes.

Alice had no idea what to do,

And in despair,

She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out a box of comfits.

Luckily,

The saltwater had not gotten to it,

And handed them round as prizes.

There was exactly one a piece all round.

But she must have a prize herself,

You know,

Said the mouse.

Of course,

The dodo replied gravely.

What else have you got in your pocket?

He went on turning to Alice.

Only a thimble,

Said Alice sadly.

Hand it over here,

Said the dodo.

Then they all crowded around her once more,

While the dodo solemnly presented the thimble,

Saying,

We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble.

And when it had finished the short speech,

They all cheered.

Alice thought the whole thing very absurd,

But they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh.

And as she could not think of anything to say,

She simply bowed and took the thimble,

Looking as solemn as she could.

The next thing was to eat the comfits.

This caused some noise and confusion,

As the large birds explained that they could not taste theirs,

And the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back.

However,

It was over at last,

And they sat down again in a ring and begged the mouse to tell them something more.

You promised to tell me your history,

You know,

Said Alice.

And why it is you hate C and D,

She added in a whisper,

Half afraid that it would be offended again.

Mine is a long and sad tale,

Said the mouse,

Turning to Alice and sighing.

It is a long tale,

Certainly,

Said Alice,

Looking down with wonder at the mouse's tail.

But why do you call it sad?

And she kept on puzzling about it while the mouse was speaking,

So that her idea of the tale was something like this.

Fury said to a mouse that he met in the house,

Let us both go to law,

I will prosecute you.

Come,

I'll take no denial,

We must have the trial,

For really this morning I have nothing to do,

Said the mouse to the cure.

Such a trial,

Dear sir,

With no jury or judge,

Would be wasting our breath.

I'll be judge,

I'll be jury,

Said the cunning old Fury.

I'll try the whole cause and condemn you to death.

You are not attending,

Said the mouse to Alice severely.

What are you thinking of?

I beg your pardon,

Said Alice very humbly.

You had got to get the fifth bend,

I think.

I had not,

Cried the mouse sharply and very angrily.

A knot,

Said Alice,

Always ready to make herself useful and looking anxiously about her.

Oh,

Do let me help you undo it.

I shall do nothing of the sort,

Said the mouse,

Getting up and walking away.

You insult me by talking such nonsense.

I didn't mean to,

Pleaded poor Alice,

But you're so easily offended,

You know.

The mouse only growled in reply.

Please come back and finish your story.

Alice called after it,

And the others all joined in chorus.

Yes,

Please do.

But the mouse only shook its head impatiently and walked a little quicker.

What a pity it can't stay,

Sighed the lorry as soon as it was quite out of sight.

And an old crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter,

Ah,

My dear,

Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper.

Hold your tongue,

Ma,

Said the young crab a little snappishly.

You're enough to try the patience of an oyster.

I wish I had our Dinah here.

I know I do,

Said Alice out loud,

Addressing nobody in particular.

She'd soon fetch it back.

And who is Dinah,

If I might venture to ask the question,

Said the lorry.

Alice replied eagerly,

For she was always ready to talk about her pet.

Dinah is our cat,

And she's such a capital one for catching mice.

You can't think.

And oh,

I wish you could see her after the birds.

Why,

She'll eat a little bird as soon as to look at it.

This speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party.

Some of the birds hurried off at once.

One old magpie began wrapping itself up very carefully,

Remarking,

I really must be getting home.

The night air doesn't suit my throat.

And a canary called out in a trembling voice to its children,

Come away,

My dears,

It's high time you were all in bed.

On various pretexts,

They all moved off,

And Alice was soon left alone.

I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah,

She said to herself in a melancholy tone.

Nobody seems to like her down here.

And I'm sure she's the best cat in the world.

Oh,

My dear Dinah,

I wonder if I shall ever see you anymore.

And here,

Poor Alice began to cry again,

For she felt very lonely and low spirited.

In a little while,

However,

She again heard a little pattering of footsteps in the distance.

And she looked up eagerly,

Half hoping the mouse had changed his mind,

And was coming back to finish his story.