5 Tips To Get Your Needs Met From A Recovering Over Thinker

Many of us are self-sabotaging our relationships because of fear. Fear of not sharing our needs with our partner. Fear is what is keeping us from feeling connected and feeling the close intimacy we so desire. Fear that we are too much, or not enough. Fear of being rejected and judged. In this episode, I will share with you 5 tips to communicate your needs.

Transcript

Are you tired of not getting your needs met?

Are you feeling so overwhelmed,

So exhausted,

From over giving and giving and giving to everyone else and feeling starved and deprived and alone,

Exhausted and overwhelmed,

Never feeling happy in your relationships,

Maybe even feeling resentful.

I am here to talk to you about how to get your needs met.

But before we get into it,

We have to talk about fear.

Are you a person?

Let's be radically honest with ourselves.

Do you create stories in your head?

I do.

I always say that I have more stories in my mind than the New York Public Library does.

My friend Tanya calls it the Hollywood head.

There's so much drama that happens.

There's the worst case scenario that plays out in our heads.

They say that 80% and it's probably even higher,

But let's say it's 80% of the thoughts that you had today.

Just think about all the thoughts that you thought of today.

Were they mostly positive and uplifting and hopeful?

Or were they mostly kind of depressing and hopeless?

They say that the thoughts that we think of today,

80% of what we thought of yesterday,

We think of today and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that.

So we're going back to childhood,

Right?

Of these depressing,

Hopeless thoughts that we think day in and day out.

So in order to get something new,

We have to do something new.

So I invite you today to stay tuned and I'm going to give you five tips to have that conversation to get your needs met.

But I want to talk about the fear because that's really important because to get our needs met takes one simple step,

Very practical,

Logical step.

And that is to ask,

Communication,

To talk.

There's so many things that we're not saying in our relationships.

We're saying we want connection.

We want deep intimacy.

Intimacy,

That word,

If we break it down,

Into me see.

But we're not allowing the other person to be in us.

We're not allowing them to experience all of us.

So if we were to take radical responsibility,

It's on us,

The depth of our relationships,

The depth that we're allowing people in.

We want to appear that we're strong on the outside,

But inside we're crumbling.

We're lost.

We're hopeless.

We don't really like ourselves.

We have stories we tell ourselves.

We create beliefs about ourselves and a belief is just a thought we keep thinking of over and over and over again.

So think back to your thoughts that you've had of yourself and of the world today.

Were they mostly positive or negative?

Think back to your life.

So if you're honest with yourself and you're tired and you want to try something new,

I invite you to listen,

To share this with someone that needs it.

Because change is possible.

Elizabeth Gilbert has a quote that I love and she says,

Sometimes we have to get so sick and tired of our own bullshit that we are willing to change.

And that's true.

So why don't we ask,

Why don't we communicate?

Because of fear.

So if you can imagine a stick,

You're on one end with all the fears,

Feeling like a victim,

Feeling like you're unloved.

No one loves you.

You can't hold the relationship down,

Right?

All these things that you must be telling yourself.

That's on one end.

On the other end of the stick is everything that you want,

Everything that you dream of,

Everything that you desire.

And what's in the middle?

Is what's preventing you from getting everything you want.

That's fear.

Fear of feeling not worthy.

Fear that your dreams,

Your desires,

Your needs,

What if they never happen?

So it's easier not to try to go for it.

It's easier to be in the victim role.

It's easier not to ask because then you won't be disappointed.

Because maybe in your life you have been disappointed a lot.

And at one point you just gave up.

You just stopped.

You just stopped trying.

And it's leaving you miserable.

But I'm going to give you permission today to dare to dream.

Dare to be loved.

Dare to let someone in your world and love you.

Because underneath that fear is a feeling that most every one of us have that we're too much or we're not enough.

We ask ourselves,

Do our needs really matter?

A lot of you may be settling in your relationships because you're not having the conversation to shift things in your relationship.

Or you don't want to admit that of what you really do want.

We say we want a relationship,

Whether it's with a partner,

A friendship,

A coworker,

A family member.

We say we want connection.

We say we want trust.

We say we want intimacy.

But how willing,

How open are you to knowing yourself,

To deepen that intimacy with yourself?

And sometimes that means being scared,

Showing up shaking,

And having hard conversations.

Someone once told me that your needs are kind of like your blood type.

You can't change it.

And it might be a part of you.

And just what if people would love you,

Your people?

What if they would love you regardless?

It feels very vulnerable to share a dream,

Especially if you haven't ever experienced it or don't know of anyone personally in your life.

Maybe it's in a relationship.

It feels very vulnerable to say what's really on your heart because there's that fear of judgment.

There's that fear of rejection.

And you can choose to live in the fear and be a victim and be unhappy.

Or you can choose to empower yourself to be and feel proud of yourself for expressing and sharing your truth.

Because those people,

Those people that hear your truth,

Those are your people.

And that's how trust is built anyway.

Trust is built when you are with someone that takes your truth and holds it with care,

Protects your truth.

And that's how our relationships deepen.

That's how we feel connected.

That's how we share intimacy.

So five tips on how to actually have this conversation to get your needs met.

So I kind of talk about it,

If you can think of like an Oreo,

Right?

So you have the first tip is to share a compliment.

Share what you love about this person.

You know,

Ask them,

Hey,

You know,

Is this a good time to share something with you?

And if they say sure,

You could say,

I love our connection.

I love our friendship.

And I know you love me.

And I know you would never hurt me or want to hurt me.

That's never your intention.

Tip number one.

Tip number two,

To state your request and how it would make you feel.

So I know how you would never want to hurt me.

That's never your intention.

I would love if you if we could check in with each other in the evening.

I know we have busy schedules.

But if we could check in maybe after work,

You know,

When the kids,

You know,

We'll tell the kids,

We need 15 minutes,

Five minutes,

10 minutes,

Whatever feels good for you.

And I'm just sharing an example.

I would really love it if we could share,

You know,

A few minutes just for us just to check in after work.

And how it would make you feel.

It would really make me feel loved and connected with you.

Tip number three,

Go back to the original compliment.

So I really love our relationship.

And I know you would never hurt me.

I'm feeling a little lonely.

And I would love to connect with you after work for a few minutes.

Just you and I.

It would really make me feel loved.

And I just really appreciate you and appreciate this relationship.

Tip number four,

Asking,

What do you think?

What do you think?

It's putting the ball in their court.

Tip number five,

To show appreciation and gratitude for having the conversation.

It feels so good.

And express how it feels in your body.

It feels so good to talk about this.

Thank you.

I appreciate you.

And you can walk away,

Change a subject and move on.

It gives the other person time to process and to figure things out together.

So to go back to the five tips,

Share the compliment,

Share a compliment,

Or gratitude of what you do like about this person.

Two,

State your request and how it would make you feel.

Three,

Go back and share the compliment from number one,

Or the gratitude that you love about this person.

Four,

Ask,

What do you think?

Because it engages the other person as they are part of this decision making with you,

Which feels like respect.

And number five,

Sharing how it feels,

Showing gratitude,

Expressing the gratitude from having the conversation and walking away or changing the subject and moving on.

So I hope this,

I hope you get something from listening to this.

Someone once said to over ask for all your needs,

To always over ask for all your needs and expect nothing.

The biggest part of this all is to honor your own needs.

Because when we honor your needs,

And you make it known,

And we can't control whether other people,

How they respond to us,

Or if they can meet those needs.

But you are acknowledging you,

You are acknowledging that you have a need,

A want,

A desire.

And to suppress that is not loving to oneself at all.

And it creates discord,

Misalignment within yourself,

Depression,

Anxiety,

Sadness,

It leaves you feeling like a victim.

It makes you feel disempowered.

And it feels lonely.

So if you found this recording,

I would love for you to honor you.

Even if it's just for now acknowledging what your needs are.

Maybe you need to journal on what you would love.

Because it's easy to know,

We know what we don't want,

Right?

You've experienced that your whole life of things you don't want.

What are you ready for?

Because in our brain,

We have the reticular activation system that looks for more of what you focus on.

And this is a scientific fact.

So if you're a woman and you want to get pregnant,

You see every woman that you see when you walk out the door is pregnant.

If you want a car that's red,

Maybe a red Corvette,

All you see are red Corvettes.

That's because your brain has something to focus on.

And it looks for more evidence,

More proof.

So I encourage you and invite you to really focus on what you do want and really meditate really feel into how would it feel to get this need met.

It's really common to go into telling ourselves that we're not going to get we're not going to get it right.

The person is not going to hear us.

They won't do it or they can't do it.

Or they won't even hear me.

Because when we're doing that,

We shut ourselves off from receiving.

Because we're scared we have fear.

So empower yourself.

Take the first step.

Ask for what you need.

Because when you do this,

You're showing if you have kids,

You're showing them how,

Like what self love really is.

It's taking radical responsibility for what you want.

And I believe we have come into this world to fully expand to have the physical things that we desire.

So we can feel the emotional expansion,

The spiritual expansion in our bodies to feel joyful to feel good.

So right now,

Just imagine and write in your journal,

If this resonates with you,

How it would feel to be totally held by your partner,

Or a friend or family member,

To be totally seen,

Held,

Loved,

Supported for you,

Just being you,

Even when it feels hard and scary,

Like you're standing there naked with all your clothes off,

Telling them something very vulnerable and intimate about yourself.

Imagine them loving you regardless.

Because what a gift that is to give yourself and the other person the opportunity to love you big like that.

Imagine a love like that.

And if you're listening,

Maybe that's what you desire.

That deep connection.

But first that deep connection starts with yourself.

Being radically honest about what what it is that you want.

And I always love the mantra,

Show up shaking.

I talk about this all the time because it has helped move me through some very scary things in my life.

It has allowed me to show up,

Even if you're shaking,

Even if you're sweating,

Because that's what human-ness is,

Right?

Glennon Doyle,

She says being human in this life is brutal.

It's both brutal and beautiful.

If you've experienced the brutal,

Heck,

Why not experience the beautiful?

What if happy and joy was for you?

Because it is.

It is for you.

And you are worthy.

And your needs matter and you matter.

I hope this finds you well.

I would love your feedback.

I would love your comments on this.

I would love to hear the feedback if you decide to have a hard conversation with someone that you love and care about.

Try this out.

Post in the comments.

Send me a message.

I would love to hear if this made a difference and how it made a difference in the next step in your life.

I'm excited for you and I know anything is possible if we just get out of our own way.

And it starts with one conversation.

I believe in you.

Keep shining.

I believe in you.

Keep shining.

I believe in you.

Reviews

Excellent advice. Thanks for sharing your experience with me today.
Namaste 🙏 ❤️👍

Great advice! I will listen to this more than once . Thank you!