The Need To Keep Explaining Yourself

Have you ever explained yourself once, then again, and somehow ended up defending your entire character? Sometimes, the need to be understood can quietly become the need to change what someone thinks of us.

In this episode, we explore why being misunderstood can feel so uncomfortable, what drives over-explaining and reassurance seeking, and how criticism can sometimes touch doubts we already carry about ourselves. We'll also reflect on the difference between healthy clarification and chasing validation from someone who may simply see things differently.

Through practical questions and everyday examples, this episode invites you to recognise when you've already said enough, become more comfortable with disagreement, and let go of the exhausting need to correct every version of yourself that exists in someone else's mind.

Transcript

So you send a message, Then you read it again, And something about it bothers you. Maybe you send it to direct or maybe they misunderstood what you meant so you send another message just to clarify and then another what I meant was and somehow what started as one simple explanation becomes five paragraphs and it's not because you had five paragraphs to say it's because you really want them to Understand you. Maybe you've done this after an argument and someone says, You were being selfish. And immediately, You start explaining. No, That's not what happened. I only did that because. . . And then you tell them what happened before. What you were thinking. What you intended. What they didn't see. What they misunderstood. You explain the tone, The concept, The reason. And after 20 minutes, You're exhausted. But you are still not sure that they understand. So you explain again. And I think there is a moment in conversations like this that is easy to miss. At first, You are clarifying. And then somewhere along the way, You are no longer trying to explain what happened. You are trying to change the other person's opinion view. And those are two different things. Maybe they think that you are selfish, Or cold, Or difficult, Or unreliable, Or too sensitive, Arrogant. Maybe they have misunderstood something you did. And there is something deeply uncomfortable about knowing that another person is carrying around a version of you that feels completely wrong. And most of us, We want to be known accurately. There are psychologists that have studied something called self-verification, Which very simply is our tendency to want other people to see us in ways that feel consistent with how we see ourselves. And that makes sense. If you believe yourself to be a caring person and somebody suddenly tells you that you've been selfish, Part of you to say, No, You just don't understand. And it's not necessarily because you can't accept criticism. It's because their version of you conflicts with the one that you recognize. And sometimes, Explanation helps. Maybe you genuinely left out an important detail. Maybe someone misunderstood your intention. Maybe you communicated badly, So you clarify, Then they understand, And then the conversation moves. That's healthy. But there is another version. You explain. They still believe what they believe. So you explain differently. You give another example. You send another message. You start collecting evidence from the past. Like, Remember when I did this for you? I've always been there. I would never intentionally do that. And now, Something has changed. You are no longer sharing information. You are presenting a case. And the other person has somehow become the jury. So, I want you to think about how exhausting that is. Because if your peace depends on convincing someone to see you exactly as you see yourself, The conversation can continue forever. And there will always be another detail that you could add, Another sentence that you could phrase better, Another way you can make them understand. And sometimes we keep going because we believe that if we can just find the right words, The other person will finally say, Oh, Now I understand, You're right. And maybe they will. But sometimes they won't. And it's not because you haven't explained yourself properly. It's because they have already reached a conclusion. And I know that it's a difficult thing to accept. Someone can hear your explanation and still disagree with you. Someone can know your intention and still dislike what you did. Someone can have an incomplete picture of you. Someone can even have an unfair picture of you. And you may not be able to change it. So I want you to sit with that for a second. Because I think that's often where over-explaining begins, And not with having too much to say, With difficulty tolerating the fact that somebody may misunderstand us. And there is another layer to this. Sometimes, We aren't only looking for understanding. We are looking for reassurance. We want the other person to tell us, No, I don't think you're selfish. No, I'm not angry. No, We are okay. No, I don't think badly of you. And reassurance can feel wonderful, But for a moment. Because there is a difference between wanting someone to understand your point of view and needing them to approve your version of you before you can move on. And maybe you've experienced this after setting a boundary. Like, You say, I can't do that this weekend. And instead of stopping there, You begin building a defense. I've had such a busy week, And I need to catch up on things, And I haven't slept properly, And normally I would absolutely cum, And I hope you know it's not because I don't care, Blah blah blah. Why all the evidence? Why does I can't suddenly need a closing argument? Maybe because somewhere inside you are imagining what the other person could think. They are selfish. They are unreliable. They don't care. So before the other person even says anything, You are defending yourself against a judgment that may not exist. And this is where it becomes interesting. Sometimes the person that you are trying hardest to convince isn't even the person in front of you. It's you. If somebody's criticism touches something you already fear about yourself, Explaining becomes urgent. If part of you already worries that you are selfish, Being called selfish hurts more. If you've always worried that you are difficult, Hearing you're difficult lends differently. Now, You are not only correcting them. You are trying to quiet your own doubt. And that doesn't mean that their criticism is true. It means it touched something. And that can be worth exploring. Not, How do I prove them wrong, But why do I need them to be wrong so badly. You see, That's a very different question. And maybe there is feedback that you need to hear. Maybe there isn't. But if you can separate those two things, Then the conversation becomes clearer. What is useful here? What belongs to me? What doesn't? And then there is another question. Have I already explained this clearly enough? Because sometimes the most useful thing you can do is notice when you have already said enough. You have explained your intention. You have acknowledged the impact. You've answered the question. You've apologized if an apology was necessary. At that point, Adding more words may not create more understanding. It may simply reveal that you are uncomfortable with how the other person now sees you. And I know that that discomfort is real, But it's also survivable. You can know that that isn't who I believe I am, And still allow another person to disagree. And you can say, I understand that you are saying differently, You can say, That wasn't my intention, But I can see why it affected you that way. And then you stop. That last part is difficult because stopping can feel like losing control of the story. And maybe if you stop talking, Maybe their version becomes the truth. But someone's opinion of you doesn't become fact simply because you stopped arguing with it. And you may have noticed something else. The people who know you well usually don't require a 20-minute defense of your character every time something goes wrong. They may challenge you, They may tell you that you hurt them, They may disagree with you completely, But there is usually enough history in the relationship for one mistake not to become your entire identity. And when somebody has decided that every action confirms the worst version of you, Another explanation may not solve the problem. So, Maybe next time that you feel that familiar urge to send one more message, Explain one more detail, Defend one more part of yourself, Pause before you do. And ask yourself this question. Is there actually something they still don't know? If the answer is yes, Then clarify it. Simple. But if the answer is no, Ask something else. Am I explaining? Or am I trying to control what they think of me? And there may be a little silence after that question, Because sometimes you will realize, I've already explained, They understand what I'm saying, They just don't agree. And that is a completely different problem. You cannot explain someone into agreeing with you. You cannot provide enough context to guarantee that everyone sees your intentions the way you do. And you cannot spend your life correcting every version of yourself that exists in somebody his mind. That would be endless and time-consuming. Maybe part of growing into yourself is becoming a little more selective about where explanation belongs. Some misunderstandings are worth repairing. Some feedback is worth sitting with. Some conversations deserve another attempt. And some people have already decided what they think. At that point, The work may no longer be finding better words. It may be accepting that you have said what is true for you. Listen to what is true for them. And the two versions still don't completely match. You can lead the conversation there. And it's not because you don't care. It's because there is a moment when clarification ends and chasing validation begins. Learning to recognize that moment can save you a lot of words. And perhaps a lot of yourself. So I'll let you think about that.