Marriage: Romantic Love Is Not Enough

Personal experience, observation of other couples, and even brain research provide clear evidence that the emotion of romantic love is limited in duration, apparently biologically limited to a few years maximum.

Consequently, romantic love can't be a suitable foundation for a marriage that is supposed to last a whole lifetime. Instead, husband and wife have to work hard to create the conditions that really enable them to live together in harmony for many decades.

Transcript

Some years ago,

I read an interesting study in neuroscience.

Was done in Italy,

The country of Romeo and Juliet.

And they were investigating the emotion,

The feeling of being in romantic love.

Having falling in love and being,

Having a crush on someone,

However you want to call it.

You know better about these things than me.

And interestingly,

They found that this emotion seems to have a biological limit.

It doesn't just run on forever.

And I think in this study,

They felt that it wouldn't go longer.

They didn't find it continuing longer than a maximum about four years.

But it can be much shorter.

And I felt that's quite an interesting result.

Of course,

No one has to take that with a grain of salt.

Even the scientific studies,

Even in a good peer-reviewed journal,

And then there's another study saying the opposite and so on.

It's not necessarily the absolute truth what one study finds.

But it seems to agree with experience as well,

Isn't it?

This feeling of romantic love,

The emotion of romantic love,

Is not one that just continues on.

And sometimes it's over quite quickly.

As a side note,

They were using functional MRI brain scans.

And you apparently can really see that there's a difference if someone is really in love,

As we say.

But fascinatingly,

They had difficulties distinguishing that from a person with OCD,

Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

It's a well-known mental disorder.

And apparently they could also see that on the functional MRI.

The difficulty was that if you show them the MRI of a person who is in love and of a person who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder,

OCD,

They look so similar that the difficulty is telling that apart.

And anyway,

If we assume that the results that it doesn't last longer than four years or maybe even much shorter,

If we assume that to be correct,

Then a very important conclusion from that is that it's not a suitable basis for marriage.

Because most people have the idea when they get married that hopefully it lasts longer than four years or much shorter,

Isn't it?

Usually the idea is that you make a lifelong commitment.

But I think that most people are not aware of that fact that this is impermanent.

And something that lasts maximum four years or maybe even much shorter,

There cannot be a suitable foundation for a marriage that is supposed to last as long as life goes until death,

Until death shall part us or something like that.

It's not suitable.

On the other hand,

I think many people intuitively assume that to be the basis is actually not just in a marriage or romantic love,

But with all feelings,

With all emotions.

It is typically the case that they pretend,

They like to masquerade as eternal and everlasting.

That tends to feel like if you're really down,

You feel really depressed,

It feels like,

Oh,

I will always be down now.

Or if you're really having an enthusiastic high and you're so happy and energetic and everything is fine,

That it tends to feel like,

No,

I finally know how to do it and this will last now.

It's a typical thing of all feelings,

Emotions,

That they come with this assumption of permanence.

Of course,

If we are using mindfulness in our life,

Maybe we can notice that it's not the case.

And we have been really down and it didn't last forever.

We have been really high,

It didn't last forever.

But part of the delusion of believing and being attached,

Identifying with emotions,

Is not to take them as lasting.

So what I have seen in most people,

When they get married,

They assume that this beautiful feeling they have is the very basis for the rest of this marriage.

And then they can easily get into trouble because once the feeling changes,

If you have made that the basis of the whole thing,

Then it will fall apart,

If there's nothing else.

So to my mind,

Looking at that,

It seems a good idea not to build up a more lasting foundation.

It's very easy when people are in love,

Whatever the other person does,

The other person is always cute.

And even if they are having maybe not so attractive habits or character traits,

One just likes it and it's so cute.

But once the emotion of romantic love has faded away,

It's suddenly no longer cute.

No,

We cannot rest on that.

For sure,

As long as this is going,

Fine,

As long as this emotion is there.

But that is a time to build in longer lasting foundations.

For example,

Loving kindness,

Metta.

For example,

Karuna,

Compassion.

In particular,

Loving kindness and romantic love may appear quite similar.

But I think that there are crucial differences apart from sensuality even.

If we analyze it,

When we are in love with a certain person,

I suggest what we are really in love with,

What we really like so much,

Is the feeling the other person is giving us.

It's not necessarily so much the person,

But a certain person that's giving us this fantastic,

Uplifting,

Drug-like happiness.

And this is what we really like.

And an argument to support that,

If you look at the people getting divorced and going through a harmonious divorce,

Usually the person doesn't give them this pleasant feeling anymore.

This is why they are now divorcing.

But it's actually the same person.

Usually they haven't changed that much.

But what has changed,

That this person now doesn't give you the same very pleasant and happy feeling.

And although it's the same person,

Then we don't like them anymore.

This,

To me,

Is an indication that it's a lot about the feeling we get from that person and not so much about the person itself.

Again,

This doesn't apply only to marriage.

This is a very important thing to understand in general.

And I think,

Unfortunately,

Many people go through life and they never even notice this one crucial point,

That it's usually about the feeling,

The pleasure or displeasure,

The happiness,

The pain.

Something is giving us.

The one person may be attached to smoking.

What are they really attached to?

Is it the cigarettes or the act of smoking?

That's the feeling they get from it.

One person may be even alcoholic.

What is it really about?

And it's the feeling one gets when drinking alcohol.

That is where the attachment is.

One person likes to play in the casino or earn a lot of money.

Why do we go on an expensive cruise?

Because we want to get certain feelings.

It's so important to see that in general in life,

That it's often not about the things we think we are attached to or the persons or the accomplishments,

But the feeling we get from having these things or from interacting.

So I propose that romantic love is mostly concerned,

Actually not so much with the other person,

But the feeling we are getting.

On the other hand,

Metta,

Loving kindness,

What the Buddha is teaching,

This,

If it's true loving kindness,

Should be concerned with the true and genuine welfare and benefit of the other person.

And it's completely independent from us.

That's the idea of loving kindness,

That nothing has to be returned,

That there's no conditions,

That it's the same to everyone.

And that's the intention that the other person may be well and happy,

That they live long,

Healthy and happily,

That they can experience freedom,

Liberation,

Enlightenment,

Nirvana.

It's really about the other person and their welfare.

I mean,

Admittedly,

As far as I remember,

Many years ago for me,

That I was in lay life,

But it's not totally separate.

I'm separating these two things,

Loving kindness,

Metta,

And romantic love for analytical purposes.

But I think in reality,

Both will be there and both will be mixed in different proportions.

I think that that is a good one to keep in mind when one gets married,

Or when one is married already and tries to live happily with a spouse.

To try to distinguish these two things.

One,

The feelings,

Emotions the spouse is giving me,

Which is ultimately an egoistic thing,

Or the other one,

Looking at the spouse and asking what is really good for them?

What is their happiness?

How can I support and foster their happiness,

Their well-being,

Their long-term well-being and happiness?

And to learn to focus more and more on that.

And my apologies,

You wouldn't get a very romantic talk from me,

Not to be expected from a Buddhist monk.

But I think it's good to be clear in one's mind.

There's this Indian proverb.

Indian proverb,

It says,

The crow is blind at night.

The crow,

The bird,

They are active during the day and of course they can't see at nighttime.

But the owl,

The owl is blind at day.

Now the owl is usually flying at nighttime.

And so during the day in the sunshine,

It's too blinding,

The owl can't really see.

So the crow is blind at night and the owl is blind at day.

But a human being in love is blind at night and at day.

It's not me saying that,

Indian proverb,

Can't blame me.

But we all know that,

The emotion of romantic love is probably one of the strongest that human beings can experience.

And obviously we are no longer objective.

So it's a little bit tragic that people make one of the most important decisions in life,

Who they marry,

Probably after the parents,

One person who will influence the most and have the biggest impact on their life,

That they may make this decision in a state where they can't see very clearly and very objectively.

So this is why it's often good to listen to some feedback from people who are not in love with that person.

Of course they also shouldn't be averse to that person.

If they don't like that person,

Then also they can't make an objective judgment.

But getting some feedback from those who are not in love can be beneficial,

Because they may be able to see it more clearly and with less distortion.

And I think ultimately,

For a marriage to really go until death parts you,

I think there's also very prosaic and not so romantic sounding things which are really important.

One is simply commitment.

This is why one has this big ceremony,

Which often it takes big effort to organize.

But similar like when we do the precepts here at Dhamma Giri,

In theory you can take the precepts just at home.

You could even just mentally determine precepts.

But if you do it connected with the ritual and if you do it in public,

In front of the Buddha,

In front of the Sangha,

There's usually a stronger commitment.

And I think it's good not to have,

Even like the Indian-Asian style of wedding,

Which is really,

Really big and maybe a bit expensive and a bit difficult to organize.

But I think there's a benefit,

Because it means you take it really serious and you really are committed to that commitment.

Commitment requires being committed.

And a lot of that,

For success of a marriage a long time,

I think one shouldn't underestimate the aspect of commitment and staying with that.

Because it's not so unusual that there may also be difficult or rough times.

And a true sense of commitment and duty can carry one through to that.

I think another one which is really important is respect.

I remember once reading another study from one guy who was working with emotions and so on.

And he found that this is very critical.

He studied micro-emotions.

And if he could notice in spouses,

These little micro-emotions,

It became so good and he could analyze that.

And these tiny facial expressions which normally people can't really see,

He would photograph and record that in high-resolution cameras.

And he became so good that he could often predict when couples would divorce within two years.

He would be able to usually say that.

And one is if there's expressions of disgust,

Which is worse than anger.

And that would occur more frequently than the marriage would usually not last.

And the Buddha also pointed that out.

In fact,

In the duties of the spouse,

He said,

Number one,

Out of only five duties,

Number one,

Not to disregard the spouse.

And number two,

To respect the spouse,

Which is almost synonymous.

It's two different terms in Pali,

But basic,

Almost synonymous meaning.

And that shows the tremendous importance of respect in that relationship.

And of course,

If one is in romantic love and one gets on well and was feeling very close and friend,

The one doesn't usually think so much about respect.

But when things go not so well and emotions flare up or there may be tensions,

Then a well-established respect and appreciation and avoiding disregard,

I think,

Can be a very powerful foundation.

Another aspect I feel is important to mention.

We live in a time of extreme emphasis on the individual.

It's almost a bit like a slightly autistic society or however you want to call it,

And it's all about the individual.

And as often many people live with this view in the background that I'm just this autonomous,

Completely independent individual.

And then,

Of course,

In a wedding,

One acknowledges that there's one other person and one now has to share and arrange and make compromises.

But a wedding is not just between two individuals.

It's between two families.

And I think one should not not undervalue or underestimate that aspect.

It's really important.

Because if you get married,

You also have no parents-in-law.

And the Buddha emphasized so much now how much of a debt of gratitude we have to parents,

How important parents are,

How many duties we have to our parents.

And,

Of course,

Now if you are hitching up with a spouse who also has got parents,

You're kind of in with that as well.

You take on a duty to also look after that part of the family,

The in-laws.

And similar for the spouse.

So on the other hand,

One also has got two people now helping looking after parents.

And,

For example,

If there are kids,

Now these are the grandkids of all four grandparents.

And these kids now are the nieces and cousins and so on on both sides of the family.

Again,

I think this is another argument not to be too stingy about organizing a major wedding ceremony.

Because quite naturally,

We don't have the same love and familiarity and trust to the in-laws usually as to our own family.

Isn't it?

Our parents we know since our birth usually,

Even before.

And the strong karmic connection.

And we usually have this very,

Very close feeling and similar to other blood relatives.

And now you have got the whole large group,

Parents,

Sisters,

Brothers,

Cousins,

Aunties,

Uncles,

Nieces,

Nephews,

And all the in-laws.

And some of them you may have hardly met.

But they are very important to the spouse.

And so it's an important part of getting married to build up that sense of trust and closeness and love and appreciation and respect not to one whole family.

Okay,

A few words,

A few comments on getting married.

Apologies if it doesn't sound too romantic.

But someone has to say the weird things,

Isn't it?

So remember the feeling of being in love and it doesn't last.

And we need a more lasting foundation.

And this more lasting foundation can be loving kindness,

Metta,

Which is not concerned of what do I get,

What kind of feeling gives me the other person.

But which is concerned about what is a true long-term welfare and benefit of the other person,

Quite independent from me.

If both are practicing that,

Actions of kindness,

Of loving kindness,

Words of loving kindness,

Whether in open,

Openly and directly to their face or even when they're not there.

Even the way we are talking about our spouse.

Sometimes I'm amazed when the spouse isn't there and some people,

The way they talk about their spouse is quite,

How to say,

Not ideal.

And I think it's good to have that sense of respect and appreciation to the spouse,

Even if they're not present.

And if you're talking about them and the two others in their absence.

That's one thing that the Buddha recommended for monks living together.

To always make sure that we look at each other with eyes like deer.

The deer has very friendly,

Peaceful eyes,

Not to look at each other with eyes of a tiger.

And to express our loving kindness,

Both in public and in private,

In the presence of the other person,

In their absence.

To express it by action,

To express it by words,

To express it by thoughts.

As these little gestures,

Which are often very powerful and can support a good relationship for a long time.

So bringing that in,

Bringing in the aspect of what is truly the welfare and benefit of the other person,

Of the spouse,

In the long run.

And being willing to compromise.

This is the way I would like it.

I would like to paint the living room in neon green.

But why should I do it the way I like it?

My spouse liked to paint it black,

So let's paint it black.

Could you do that?

This is a good exercise.

Can we,

So occasionally at least,

Why does it have to be done the way I want it?

Let's do it the way my dear spouse wants it.

And both have that attitude,

And that goes a long way.

Compromise and sacrifice.

Oh yeah,

This is one important.

Us people who have succeeded and married for 50 years and longer,

Can that be done without any sacrifice?

The two people live in a happy marriage for 50 years if neither of the two is willing to sacrifice anything.

I have to put the question out now.

I'm not married,

I'm a monk,

I can't really say too much,

But my impression is that it wouldn't work.

And that is always in any community.

I remember once at one of these senior monks' meetings,

The question was brought up by the moderator leading the discussion.

It was just an informal discussion,

No technical matters to resolve,

But just having a friendly discussion among all the Western senior monks of Ajahn Chah.

And the question was brought up,

What does it mean,

Ajahn Chah tradition,

What does it mean to you?

And I remember Ajahn V,

Ajahn Vyavadham was saying just one word,

He said,

Sacrifice.

And many of the monks,

Particularly in the early days,

And also monks in the starting monasteries,

Did require a lot of sacrifice.

And they required a lot of sacrifice from Ajahn Chah.

Already starting even with the Buddha.

The Buddha could have just went on alms round,

Going on alms round,

Blessing out every day in Samadhi.

And that lived out his life like that,

But he made the sacrifice of starting to teach and ending up having to lay down several books full of rules,

Including how to use the toilet correctly.

And the Buddha is the most exalted mind in the whole universe.

And he made the sacrifice to even put that supreme mind in the whole universe onto the job and explaining to the monks and to the nuns what is the protocols of proper behavior in the bathroom.

Because this is where conflicts easily can arise.

And nowadays,

You know that when people leave only one sheet of toilet paper,

With the excuse,

There's still some toilet paper left,

I don't have to change that,

There's still one sheet left.

Is that a nice attitude?

There's often these little things.

And it's amazing that the Buddha made these rules for the monks,

But for living together in harmony,

Often small things go a long way.

But occasionally also major things are required,

And a sacrifice and the willingness to compromise.

So a very non-romantic talk about the importance of commitment,

Of sacrifice,

Of compromise,

Of respect.

And considering that you're not getting married to just one individual,

But to a whole family.

And it takes a lot of hard work to condition oneself to feel at least some of that love that the spouse feels to their blood relatives,

That the other one can feel that to the in-laws.

Can be like gradually built up.

And starting with a great celebration of the wedding,

Because that is the first thing that both families are actually doing together.

And if one doesn't do anything together,

Then how can that sense of community and love and friendship be established?

I know that is another one,

A quality time together.

Now if one wants to live happily in marriage,

Now one has to make the sacrifice in terms of time.

And one has to be willing to give a lot of top quality time to the spouse,

And both have to do that.

Nowadays that can easily happen,

They both are working and have so many other things that they only meet occasionally between their different work appointments.

One has to sacrifice and create that space where one has good quality time together.

Enough.

Thank you,

Aniruddha,

For your patience,

Listening to a monk talking about marriage.

A bit like a virgin talking about childbirth,

As they say,

It's a joke.

Anyway,

This is my five cents on that subject.

I hope I wasn't too off-putting.

I have friends who like to do a marriage audit.

A marriage audit?

Yes,

I have friends who does that.

So every year you're,

Just like an auditor is auditing the financial health of a company,

You've got an,

Is that an external auditor for you?

No,

No,

No,

Between the two of them,

They are.

The two of them have to self-audit.

They are,

They are the cover.

I suppose they keep my track of the normal points where they've got annoyed or they did things well.

The more we're talking about all of that,

The more I feel relief being a monk.

I don't have to do all that.

Yeah,

What can I say?

Interesting suggestion.

I mean,

One other aspect is also the delusion of self.

And most people,

Basically everyone who has not yet seen the Dhamma operates from that.

And there's an unchanging self,

The Sakkayaditi Atthavadupadana entity view,

Clinging to a view of self,

Implies that I'm this unchanging,

Eternal thing,

And the other person is there.

And then you just say,

Okay,

It fits or it doesn't fit.

It's kind of this soulmate idea that there's two maybe who are destined to fit together.

And then if it doesn't work so well,

Then we say,

No,

It just doesn't fit.

But that is ultimately a delusion because we can change.

So what we have to do is having that willingness and make it fit better.

And the whole idea that the universe has provided a soulmate for every person is a little bit unrealistic anyhow.

So usually you have people you fit better,

Others you fit not so well,

But usually no perfect fit in any case.

But we have the ability to make ourselves fit better.

And so that is a hard work in marriage.

While in romance it's actually hard work if both are making effort to condition each other,

Themselves actually in particular,

In such a way that the fit works better than it may well be successful.

Everything is dependent on conditions.

It's the same with this whole relationship.

It's dependent on conditions.

So if someone says,

No,

It just didn't work out or we didn't fit,

From the Dhamma perspective,

It's more like that they haven't put in enough effort to create the conditions to make it fit.

Not getting stuck in self-view,

But recognizing that it's a conditioning process which one can deliberately support.