Many years ago,
As a teenager still living with my parents,
I ran away from home when the physical abuse became too much to bear.
But despite being hurt and angry with both of them,
I returned to the house the next day while they were at work.
My sister had already moved out by that point,
And I left a note on the fridge to let them know I wasn't missing,
So there was no need to call the cops.
I just didn't feel safe coming back.
When I called my dad a week later,
He said,
After waiting my whole life to hear those words,
I immediately started crying.
It's strange how I had grown accustomed to the abuse from both of them,
But never to the lack of remorse from either of them.
He then said,
When you are ready,
I would love for you to come back home,
And I promise to never be violent towards you again.
Not to be overly dramatic or poetic,
But I pictured scabs forming over the open wounds on my heart,
And I actually started believing for the first time that I might eventually heal from all of this.
But then,
My dad faced my mother and said,
Okay,
It's your turn to apologize to him.
My dad reacted to her in a way that was totally out of character for him.
He was usually the one who stood by silently while she inflicted most of the abuse over the years.
But on that day he raised his voice and glared at her with indignation bordering on disgust.
Tightly across her chest,
And without even looking at me,
She said,
Fine,
I'm sorry.
Tears were rolling down my face by this point,
And I looked at her and asked,
What exactly are you apologizing for?
And she said,
Everything,
Okay?
I'm sorry for everything.
And yes,
Hearing her say,
I'm sorry for everything,
Immediately after saying she had never done anything wrong,
Felt as empty and inauthentic then as it sounds now.
Words can be useless and lack or they can be rich and offer healing.
When the Buddha spoke of mindful speech,
It wasn't just about avoiding gossip and verbal abuse.
Mindful speech is also about purposeful and meaningful communication,
And the way we can make communication more purposeful and meaningful is by offering specific details that foster deeper connection and intimacy.
I think I mentioned in a previous podcast episode when my former temple keeper asked me how I was,
And I said good.
She laughed and said,
Good is not a feeling,
Can you elaborate?
And when I told her how restful I was,
And grateful,
And excited,
And fortunate,
And blessed to be in her presence,
Warm,
Comfortable,
Well-fed,
And at peace,
She looked at me and said,
Isn't that a better answer than just good?
So yeah,
The way we make communication more purposeful and meaningful is by offering specific details.
That's what fosters intimacy.
Apologize to someone,
Be vulnerable enough to articulate what part of your past behavior you now regret,
Where you went wrong,
Why you are remorseful,
And how you intend to compose yourself in the future.
If you are really brave,
You can finish your apology by saying,
Do you forgive me?
The only apology worse than the generic,
I'm sorry for everything,
Is the backward pseudo-apology when people say,
I'm sorry you feel that way,
Which not only avoids accountability for any wrongdoing,
It actually puts the blame on the person to whom they are pretend apologizing.
Purposeful and meaningful connection is not just for when you apologize.
Articulation is also important when you thank someone.
Next time you feel gratitude,
Rather than being vague and saying thanks for everything,
Specify exactly what it is you value and appreciate about the other person,
Because it may be different from what they think you are grateful for.
I recently thanked a flight attendant for her patience and calm composure during an exceptionally turbulent flight.
She smiled and said,
You saying that.
Most passengers look at us like we are the reason for the bumpy ride,
And then they get upset with us if they have to wait a few extra minutes for their complimentary soda.
In a world where it costs absolutely nothing to transform casual interactions into meaningful connections,
There's no reason for dismissive,
Vague,
Or entitled comments between us.
So whether you are thanking someone or apologizing to them,
Uncross your arms,
Relax,
Exhale,
Smile,
And be specific about what you are grateful for or what behavior you are apologizing for.
I was curious why some people would oppose deeper connections,
And in our monthly discussion groups about this topic,
A few people said that they work really hard at keeping up appearances,
So saying they are fine when they aren't is a form of control that they aren't ready to give up just yet.
I do think that it's important to note that when you are being asked a question,
Even if it's something simple as,
How are you?
It is okay to say,
Let me get back to you on that,
Instead of feeling cornered into an interrogation of sorts.
Even saying,
I don't know,
Is a more honest and meaningful answer than the fake,
Vague conversations that we regurgitate daily.
Having said all that,
It is always important to know your audience,
As the cashier at the grocery store is not necessarily where you want to practice deeper intimacy,
And timing is always a factor as well.
Be silent and listen.
Pretend you are speaking over Zoom and you are on mute,
So you just listen,
If that's what you need to do in order to avoid interrupting people.
And when they are done speaking,
Repeat to them what you just heard them say,
Because it may not at all resemble what they meant.
I just think we are taught a language,
But we are not taught how to communicate,
Which is at the core of so many arguments and misunderstandings.
Be as truthful,
Sincere,
And articulate as possible to make meaningful connections the new norm.
Instead of wrapping all this up by saying,
Thanks for everything,
I want to take this opportunity to articulate how grateful I am that you continue to walk beside me on this journey.
When I say that I wouldn't be able to do any of this work in the world without you,
I mean it literally.
You are the reason I get up each day.
Thank you for accepting my invitations to implement ancient teachings with personal experiences into your daily life,
So we can all live more bravely,
Intimately,
And authentically.
I appreciate you.
