Surviving My Sister’s Suicide

So what were some of the paths of your journey of healing and your family as well?

But I'd love to start with you.

Yeah,

Yeah.

As a survivor.

Yeah,

And I think survivor is such the right word for us,

You know,

Because it really is something that we have to get through every day.

No matter how long it's been.

Yeah,

So my journey of healing,

I think,

Is forever.

You know,

It will continue to go on forever and evolve.

You know,

Initially,

I will say the support of my friends and family.

One of my friends said something to me that changed the whole way I think about grief and talking to other people who are grieving is,

Do you want to talk about it or do you want me to distract you?

And I was like,

That's such an incredible invitation.

Thank you.

Yeah,

So that was something that happened very early on after she passed that was helpful to me.

And then also getting into my creative self.

Dancing has really helped.

I don't consider myself a dancer by any means.

I've always been like a mover.

But there's something about moving your body.

And just sometimes you can't get the words out.

So how can you get them out otherwise?

So dance for me and also painting.

I've been doing a lot of.

.

.

Of painting without thinking about an end.

Product really just like,

Okay,

I'm having a lot of thoughts and feelings.

Let me just put it on a page.

Yeah,

And then lots of support in therapy,

Individual therapy,

As well as group therapy,

Which has been really helpful for me.

Do you have a level of guilt?

You know,

There's that survivor's guilt.

And I'm sure for your mom,

It was very hard.

Like,

You know.

Knowing that there were issues so early on.

What would you say to another young person that you would meet that had gone through this and wasn't sure what to do?

The guilt is real.

Um,

But it's also not our fault.

So I'm learning to hold both of those things at the same time that some days.

.

.

I replay things over in my head.

What could I have done differently?

What could I have said differently?

The guilt creeps in,

But also knowing.

I did the best I could.

Our family did the best we could with what we knew at the time.

You know,

Ultimately.

It's not our fault So that's something that I continue to kind of.

To wrestle with and I think talking with other survivors really helps me kind of diminish.

That guilt when it comes in yeah i know for me you know not having A platform,

Like I said,

You know,

Generationally it just was even more stigmatic,

More taboo to talk about this.

We were in a small town in,

You know,

Down south.

And when I got to New York and.

.

.

After my sister died by suicide.

It took me a little while to get my bearings,

But I met this wonderful family who found me a therapist.

It was just,

I didn't know any other survivors.

But just understanding through therapy that,

You know.

There wasn't much that could have been done at that point and that guilt.

And I love what you said about holding space for both.

You know,

Accepting that there's going to be those moments of guilt arising in your mind as well as believing that it wasn't your fault.