Ch 10:Give Yourself Permission To Have Healthy Relationships

Relationships can be our greatest source of joy—or depletion. In this chapter, we’ll explore what truly makes a relationship healthy and why comparing your insides to everyone else’s outsides only leads to disconnection. You’ll learn how to communicate more effectively, let go of childhood baggage, and allow others to make their own choices without guilt or control.

We’ll also dive into how your behavior affects those around you—and how honoring your own needs helps everyone thrive. It’s time to relate with more clarity, compassion, and self-respect.

Listen on, and we will navigate the seven seas to freedom together.

Ch 10: Give Yourself Permission To Have Healthy Relationships: 'Give Yourself Permission to Live Your Life', written and read by Priya Rana Kapoor (Balboa Press), ©2014/2025 Priya Rana Kapoor

Transcript

Chapter 10,

Give Yourself Permission to Have Healthy Relationships.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.

Mahatma Gandhi.

What is a healthy relationship?

Deep down,

We all have the power and knowledge to understand and decide what a healthy relationship is for us.

Depending on our roles,

We have a different relationship with each person in our lives.

Hopefully,

We have different relationships with our mothers than with our partners,

Different relationships again with our children and with our best friends.

You can choose what you want each relationship to look like,

What you can be responsible for,

And how each of these relationships fits into your life.

Admittedly,

This can be difficult at times.

Such as when your father is being unreasonably hard on you,

Or your children are fighting in the back seat of the car,

And there is nothing you can do about it at the time.

In this chapter,

We'll explore how you can shift your perspective in terms of how you view others,

And how you can change your behavior to achieve outcomes you want and the healthy relationships we all need.

First,

You need to decide what a healthy relationship looks like and entails.

For me,

For instance,

A healthy relationship with my mother is one in which we are not angry with each other,

We can love each other unconditionally,

And I accept her views about life and sometimes the things I'm doing,

Not as an affront,

But as a statement of what she holds to be true and valuable for herself.

Whether I agree or not.

I need a relationship in which I am not trying to change her,

And in which I feel able to be who I am,

And make the right choices for myself.

In general,

A healthy relationship for me is one with open lines of communication,

And mutual,

Balanced,

And beneficial respect and support,

Not to forget fun.

Exercise.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

Take some time to think about and outline what a generally healthy relationship would look like for you.

Write it down and use it as a road map,

Much as you use the list of values you drew up for yourself.

Look at all your existing and new relationships,

And see if the qualities you've outlined are present in them.

What needs to come first?

As we let our light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence actually liberates others.

Marianne Williamson.

By now,

Keeping the permission journey in mind,

Outlined in chapter three,

You should be better able to believe that you matter.

And that if you take care of yourself and understand your values first and foremost,

You're much better able to help and communicate with others in a healthy way.

You stop blaming others and have taken responsibility for your life in everything you think,

Feel,

And do.

You've understood what you have control over and what you don't.

Now you're in a position to start seeing the best ways in which to interact with the people around you.

You've looked at your own fears,

Tried to take a few risks,

And learned to be open to seeing what really is going on in your life,

Rather than letting your perceptions overtake reality.

You've learned how to trust yourself,

So you can start learning how to trust others.

We've explored how to seek the positive at any given time,

So that you can change your mindset,

And therefore start seeing the good in the situation and the people around you.

All this culminates in giving yourself permission to understand your relationships,

Accept what they truly are,

And decide if you need to give yourself permission to change the parameters of certain relationships or make the hard choice to end a few.

So let's see how to get to this place of choice.

Don't compare your insides with everyone else's outsides.

Often we look at the people around us and think that they have it better than we do,

Or that they've been given more advantage in the forms of privileges and luxuries than we have.

We might have feelings of envy,

Which can be damaging,

Undermining,

And insidious,

And can only function to make us feel bad about ourselves in the long run.

When my former husband and I first met,

He gave me one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received.

I have never forgotten it,

And I'm often grateful to him for his wise words.

Priya,

He said,

Don't compare your insides with everyone else's outsides.

I think that we've all found ourselves comparing what we know about our lives to what we think is going on with the lives of others.

Often we look at their outsides and assume everything is great,

Without considering that there just might be a whole other layer of thoughts,

Insecurities,

Hopes,

Fears,

Shortcomings,

Health issues,

Pain,

Abuse,

Wishes,

Or desires that they don't share with everyone else.

When we compare ourselves to all of their glitz,

It's easy to see ourselves as coming up short.

We look at celebrities or business tycoons,

School friends or relatives,

And think they've achieved so much more than we have.

She's got it all,

We think.

She must be so happy.

But what's really happening?

I suspect most people looking from the outside would have considered my family circumstances pretty much perfect.

But as I've already shared,

The apparent fairy tale was quite inconsistent with the chaos we experienced behind closed doors.

I rather begrudgingly felt that there were times when people thought,

The Kapoors,

They have it all.

Mom is young and glamorous,

Dad is so sophisticated and handsome.

Their children are lucky to be growing up in such a cosmopolitan,

Exciting environment.

In some respects,

We did have an adventurous life,

But it was difficult.

Maybe your successful boss at work does sit in his fancy corner office all day long and go home at the end of a productive working day to his good looking,

Happy wife and children.

But perhaps he really wants to be doing something else entirely.

Maybe he has high blood pressure from working long hours,

Constant fights with his wife,

And exhausting kids who run riot all evening.

Who really knows?

It's important that we see that we can only truly understand ourselves,

And that we need to focus on bettering our own lives rather than fixating on others.

With this understanding comes the recognition that,

Ultimately,

We can only learn how to be really happy when we learn how to take personal responsibility for how we live and what we have control over.

The simple fact is that we just do not know what is going on in most other people's lives.

The only person you will ever know completely,

Inside and out,

Is yourself.

Communicating with others.

How people treat you is their karma.

How you react is yours.

Dr.

Wayne Dyer.

We've already explored identifying and understanding how important our core values are.

As we grasp the centrality of our value systems,

It should become easier to understand that others' values are just as worthwhile to them.

This includes family members,

Friends,

Colleagues,

And everybody we interact with.

Whilst we will never completely share another person's values,

We can work hard to respect them and have regard for their position in that person's life.

As we gain clarity about our own values,

We have a much better chance of identifying others' values and communicating with those people within their respective value systems.

We can respect that they each have a value system just as we do.

If we honor our own value systems and know that we do not want others to change them,

We should extend the same courtesy to the people around us.

Understanding and appreciating that the important people in my life may not live completely according to the same values as I do,

Has been tremendously freeing.

Now I know that others simply live according to their personal value systems.

And that within those parameters,

They've done the best they can,

Just as I try to do,

According to my values.

Just I am personally responsible for my life.

They are responsible for theirs.

When we understand others' core values,

We learn to identify and respect people's actions.

Perhaps autonomy is one of your core values,

And you know which behaviors are associated with it.

You can see it in others,

And are therefore better able to be respectful of others' need for autonomy.

However,

Sometimes you don't understand someone's behavior or recognize his or her values.

Sometimes people talk about values being good or bad.

But they are only good or bad in relation to something else.

Good and bad are matters of individual perception and,

Often,

Judgment.

Judgment is fine,

As long as you resist imposing it on others.

Your boss may put great value on being dominant,

Whilst you like to take a back seat and succeed quietly.

You both get to the same place,

But choose different routes to reach it.

You really don't like his outward appearance of bravado,

So you think and feel that his value of dominance is bad because it makes you uncomfortable.

In reality,

It is his value.

It keeps him safe and comfortable,

Just as your values do for you.

So how can you relate to him and demonstrate that you understand his value system?

Maybe try communicating with him in a direct,

Clear,

And powerful manner.

He might just understand that method and will be able to productively respond to you.

In time,

As you attempt to express your values to him,

He may start communicating with you,

Keeping in mind your subtle,

Peaceful,

And quiet communication preferences.

Just as much as he is more likely to feel valued by you,

He may also be more likely to hear you,

And possibly communicate with you,

In a manner that you find more comfortable,

Because he feels listened to.

Neither of you need to change who you are,

But you can each modify your communication styles to make them compatible.

Understanding others' value systems is especially important when it comes to the central relationships in our lives,

Those with our partners,

Spouses,

And close friends.

How can we have a healthy relationship with someone we care for deeply,

Unless we understand and can work within his or her value system?

When I was growing up,

I often heard my mother talk about relationships and marriage,

And what would constitute a good job.

For her,

Social standing and financial security were very important.

I know that these statements came from her fear around money,

Which was understandable,

Given her past experiences.

But at the time,

They really annoyed me.

I soon started to think that my mother and I might not prioritize our values in the same way.

And maybe we might not have all the same values.

However,

That didn't stop me from worrying that she didn't approve of my decisions.

As I had decided that it was my job to support my mother at all cost,

I found this very stressful.

It also meant that I put myself second and tried to live according to her value system.

This essentially confused and paralyzed me.

But now that I've started making my own values a priority and living in accordance with them,

I am no longer trying to live her life,

Which was not authentic for me.

Instead,

I am living my life.

As a result,

We have a much healthier relationship.

By understanding that others' perceptions,

Judgments,

And values belong to them and have nothing to do with us,

We can set our angry feelings aside and focus on making the necessary loving changes to our relationship.

Respecting others' agendas.

Something else to keep in mind when communicating with others is the understanding that everybody has their own agenda.

I do,

You do,

And all the people in your life do as well.

So when we seek permission from others to do the things we want,

Is it fair to expect them to be able to give perfectly objective advice?

They are always going to give advice with their own understanding,

Which may be right for them,

But may not be so good for us.

When we don't consider ourselves worthwhile,

We tend to seek approval from others,

But it may not come in the form we want or need.

We need to be careful that when we seek approval,

We're prepared to get it not on our terms,

But on someone else's.

To take a trivial example,

You might have a pair of smart jeans and want to wear them out.

You try them on and ask a friend,

Do these jeans make my legs look short?

Maybe the answer you're looking for is a simple no.

You love this particular pair of jeans,

And you really just want confirmation that they're great and that you look fantastic.

But what if the person you're asking favors an honest answer and tells you that,

Yes,

Your legs do look short in those jeans?

When we look for approval,

Advice,

Or input from others,

We have to be prepared for it to be on their terms.

Sometimes it will be helpful,

But it could also not be the answer you wanted to hear.

As we explored in chapter nine,

Give yourself permission to be happy.

It's crucial to view things in a positive light.

This also goes for how we look at other people.

I'm not immune from making hasty judgments.

There was a time when I looked at strangers on the tube and made silent conclusions about them.

I don't like those large earrings that make a big hole in the earlobe.

And I often thought,

How ugly?

Why is he deforming himself like that?

In the end,

Though,

It's absolutely none of my business.

Who am I to judge and assume that my values and my aesthetic sensibilities are better than someone else's?

His earrings are not interfering with me in the slightest.

And they are the wearer's own way of expressing something about himself.

Exercise,

Shift your perspective.

When you travel on public transport,

Stand in a queue at the cinema,

Or go to your local bar,

Try to find someone whose appearance would usually ignite a series of negative judgments from you.

It might be someone who happens to wear shabby clothes,

Or who is of a different race,

Creed,

Or color.

It doesn't matter.

We are all vulnerable to making negative judgments at times.

Judgment comes from a place of fear or misunderstanding.

Now look beyond the aspect of their appearance that triggers your negative thoughts.

Find something nice to say to yourself about them.

Maybe you might notice their lovely smile,

Or think,

Look how tender he is towards his mom.

Or aren't her nails well manicured?

Or whatever you need to think to reframe your thoughts in a positive way.

Bear in mind that as you look at them with judgment,

They could be doing the same to you.

This is a great exercise,

Because it can be done in any situation at any time.

As well as teach you to be more accepting of others' values,

It will help you work on tuning in to a more positive mindset every day.

Leslie,

A story of seeing the good in a new boyfriend.

If you do not like something,

Change it.

If you can't change it,

Change the way you think about it.

Mary Englebright.

My client Leslie was divorced.

She had grown up in a family of addicts,

And was quite on edge around anyone who showed signs of defensive,

Selfish,

Or self-centered behavior.

When she detected these signs,

She would get angry and walk away,

Without giving the other person a chance,

Or try to shame them into changing their behavior.

She and her partners were invariably unhappy,

And all her relationships broke down.

Leslie was starting to think that she would never be in a romantic relationship again,

And that that would be all right.

Then she met a man who,

Because of his past addictions,

Was a prime candidate to exhibit the traits she didn't like.

However,

This man had some self-awareness,

And really wanted to work on himself and his recovery.

In contrast,

Leslie found herself always anticipating the worst,

And soon realized that she was projecting her anxious and negative feelings,

Preconceived ideas,

And past experiences onto him,

And the outcome of the relationship.

This made for another strained partnership.

At this point,

Leslie decided that she needed to break this pattern of behavior,

And that she was going to focus on the good things her boyfriend was doing for her and the relationship.

Instead of running away at the first sign of what looked like trouble,

She decided to embrace the good and trust herself to wait and see where the relationship went.

If it became unhealthy,

She would do what was best for her.

As she had worked with a therapist,

And was then in coaching,

She decided to exercise her new skill of being grateful for the positive in this relationship.

She started to see that her boyfriend was trying.

He was aware of his traits,

And was able to listen to his sponsor,

And others in his therapy group,

And take on board what they said.

He didn't get defensive when she expressed some of her own feelings and reservations about particular situations,

Or their relationship as a whole.

And he tried to be mindful of them.

Leslie felt less anxious about the relationship,

Because she was savoring the things that were good in it.

She was able to recognize what she wouldn't tolerate,

And accept what she could.

In recognizing the positives,

She understood that there was a lot more she could and wanted to accept.

This made for a healthier situation,

Because she was also giving her partner space to make mistakes,

And recognize changes he needed to make for himself.

All of this allowed them to build a stronger,

Healthier relationship together.

At work,

Or in our personal relationships,

We often focus on that which is going wrong,

And how others offend us when we're unhappy.

Instead,

Focusing on others' positive behavior and traits can help to create a healthier view of the relationship in our own personal lives,

And at work.

People don't usually go out of their way to offend us.

We just see aspects of their behavior that we don't like,

Because these are always easier to spot.

If we start looking for the things we do like,

Life quickly becomes more manageable.

Focusing on people's achievements and likable traits can change how we view situations,

And can allow us to communicate and live with everyone much more harmoniously.

As we saw in Ed's story,

In Chapter 9,

Give Yourself Permission to Be Happy,

In which his co-workers thought he was on antidepressants,

Just because he made up his mind to see the positive in people and his work.

Looking at the good in people can help us see opportunities available to us,

Just as much as looking at issues and events in a positive light can.

Childhood baggage.

There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction.

The moment you are old enough to take the wheel,

Responsibility lies with you.

J.

K.

Rowling.

As we've discussed in various contexts,

We all carry baggage from our childhoods and early lives,

No matter how supportive and caring our parents may have tried to be.

Most parents do their absolute best with the situations they're dealt with,

And the information they're afforded.

We all grow up in a social environment composed of parents or guardians,

And often siblings and extended family.

We pick up messages about what our place in the world should be,

From how members of this group treat us and respond to us.

Inevitably,

These messages contribute to the adults we become,

To our strengths and weaknesses,

To how we view ourselves,

And to our behavior.

Our backgrounds and the people we care about have a huge impact on how we relate to others and how we make the decisions that shape our lives.

Traditional psychology teaches us that we take on certain characteristics in our family of origin in order to live harmoniously with our parents and siblings.

Footnote 15.

In particular,

Family systems theory,

Or systemic theory,

As it's known in the UK.

One child might play the role of the protector by endeavoring to always be one step ahead of all the others to anticipate mishaps.

Another might play the role of the scapegoat,

The hapless or naughty one,

Who never seems to do anything right,

Who acts up to get attention,

And whom everyone blames when the family appears to be off balance.

As we grow up,

Our roles in life change,

Even in relation to the same people.

And the characteristics that once defined our roles may no longer serve us.

As we try to have adult friendships with our sisters and brothers,

Or become responsible for our aging parents' well-being,

Our roles are reversed.

And old patterns of behavior will not nurture or support these new roles.

Similarly,

We will enter into intimate relationships,

And we can't always treat our partners as we did our family members.

They just may not want to be controlled,

Babied,

Anticipated,

Blamed,

Or whatever the case may be.

If we behave towards them as we learn to interact with others as children,

We may fail to create a relationship that is sustainable.

From my rather interesting childhood,

I learned a number of behavioral patterns that stemmed from how I believed I stood in relation to the other people in my life,

And to what I thought they wanted or needed from me.

From early on,

I saw my mother as someone who was rather fragile.

When life got tough for us,

Her response was usually to throw a party.

This was her coping mechanism.

It was her way of finding strength in difficult situations.

For her,

Being surrounded by friends and fun was a way to survive when life was tough,

And she genuinely thought her children wanted and needed the same.

I now know it could have been much worse.

At a very young age,

The message that I received from my mother was that she wanted me to be the person who would be available to pick up the pieces for her and be a fabulous party hostess by her side.

I went to great lengths to smooth her path and make her life easier.

I developed a habit of anticipating her every move so that I could do as much as possible to make the outcome of every situation more comfortable for both of us.

I knew that it wasn't my fault that my father had left.

But I also thought that my mother couldn't take care of herself,

And wouldn't be able to manage if I didn't do whatever I could to help out.

Admittedly,

She expected a lot of me,

But maybe not quite as much as I took on.

In reality,

My mother has a larger-than-life personality.

She wanted me by her side,

And I perceived this as pressure,

Whether it was intended as such or not.

However,

The foundations were being laid for me to become a strong,

Self-sufficient woman,

Whether I realized it or not.

I meet a lot of clients for whom being strong is very important.

Often,

In conversation,

It turns out that they have had to become strong because,

For one reason or another,

Their parents or caregivers were not able to be strong for them when they were growing up.

This could be because of the parents' personalities,

Or simply because of unfortunate circumstances.

Maybe one of their parents was ill,

Or was physically or mentally frail.

People who have lived through a terrible situation,

Such as violence of some sort,

When nobody in the family was safe,

Also tend to attempt to control the circumstances around them.

Someone who is battling with characteristics learned in childhood that are no longer healthy or useful could blame their parents or extended family members for not encouraging them to develop other healthy traits.

Or,

They could blame themselves for not taking the reins and riding off into their own lives.

We can always find fault somewhere,

But what's the point of belaboring the issue?

It's time to pick up those reins and steer ourselves towards healthier interactions.

We now need to give ourselves permission to stop living the historical roles that may be expected of us.

To put it simply,

It's time to raise ourselves,

And it's time to grow up.

Trusting others to make their own choices.

As well as learning how to trust ourselves,

We need to master the art of trusting others.

This is quite difficult,

Because if we get it wrong,

We run the risk of getting hurt.

I think that many of us,

For one reason or another,

Find it difficult to trust others,

Because we don't live with trust,

Even of ourselves.

We consistently think and feel that life is out to get us,

As our past experiences have shown that life can be difficult,

Unpredictable,

And often unfair.

When you feel this way,

It's time to carry out a reality check.

Make a list of all the times when people have been trustworthy,

And what you've learned or gained from the experience.

This inventory will start you on the path of recognizing that you don't need to distrust every person and every situation.

Just be careful not to gloss over any of their obvious or dangerous shortcomings.

You don't want to make excuses for bullies or abusers.

When you look at your list of the trustworthy friends,

Do you see any patterns?

For instance,

Do you see that certain school friends are trustworthy,

But those you went to university with are not?

What does that say?

Maybe you should put your trust in your school friends and not your university friends.

It's all about knowing who to trust and why,

Given the situation at hand.

Interestingly,

Many of us have spent years running around doing things that are intended to make others' lives easier.

However well-meaning these actions,

The fallout from them is that we're giving the clear message that we don't trust them to make decisions for themselves.

We may be trying to help,

But what we're really doing can actually be disempowering to others and to ourselves.

It's important to learn how to trust others to make important decisions about their own lives,

Just as we make decisions about ours.

We don't have to withdraw from people we love.

We can still be there for them when they need us,

And we can offer our advice when it's asked for.

But we need to trust that they'll be able to take care of themselves.

When the outcome of their decision is not what we would have wanted for them,

We must accept that it's not our responsibility.

In the end,

Who are we responsible for?

Our children when they are young,

For sure,

Or our dependents with intellectual disabilities or dementia.

But anybody else?

If we take over someone else's role of making decisions for themselves,

Are we really helping them?

We often encounter people whose happiness is dependent on that of someone else's.

This is known as being codependent.

This essentially means that they are only happy when everybody around them is okay.

If they perceive that another person is upset or angry,

Then they are unhappy and upset too,

And will only be happy when they can change the other person's mood.

This can be a losing game.

Learning how to trust and value ourselves makes it easier to understand that our personal happiness does not have to depend on that of another.

If we don't let others live for themselves,

We're effectively taking learning and experience away from them.

Such a person can lose all sense of personal responsibility.

Of course,

It's important to care about others,

And of course it's good,

Normal,

And natural to rejoice when things are going well for the people we care about.

But placing all our happiness in the perceived well-being of others is good for nobody.

I have met mothers whose happiness is utterly bound up in that of their children and their husbands.

Things get difficult when the children grow up and become independent,

Or when their husbands have to be away on trips.

Often it's not enough for family members to tell these mothers that they're happy.

The mothers have to see them being happy.

I've also met working parents who struggle with guilt about not spending enough time with their children.

They often overcompensate by deciding that if they can't be at home all the time,

They'll be ultimate parents when they are available.

Between work and parenting,

They allow almost no time and space for themselves or their children's independence.

How our behavior affects others As we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Nelson Mandela I've seen many people reach a stage at which they start to feel that time is running out to address the lack of satisfaction and fulfillment in their lives.

They reach the point where they feel they might not survive unless something changes.

Even when we understand why we don't give ourselves permission to do things we want to,

It can be hard to get beyond that realization to reach a point at which we feel empowered to make real change in our lives.

People are often afraid to change the way they behave towards others as they worry that they'll upset the apple cart and as a result damage their personal relationships,

Possibly irreparably.

When we consider change,

We often worry about upsetting the status quo of our families or social circles dynamic and assume,

With reason,

That those around us won't welcome the change.

In families and in other close-knit groups such as communities or workplaces,

Each member plays a specific role and all the roles are interlinked.

I liken this to a game of chess.

Each piece can only function in relation to all the other pieces.

Move one piece and everything alters because you've changed the status of the game.

By taking responsibility for our own lives,

We subconsciously stop taking on responsibility for others' lives.

It may not be easy at first,

And it probably won't be,

But over time,

Focusing your responsibilities on yourself and how you interact with others rather than on fulfilling the role you assume is expected of you will make a huge and very positive difference in your life and,

By extension,

In your relationships.

This could feel odd at first,

But,

In fact,

Taking care of yourself and making healthier choices about your own behavior is far from selfish.

You'll face challenges and might come across people who are angry with you because you've changed the game.

Perhaps you always said yes to your sister no matter what and you no longer live like that.

She may be angry that you've stopped supporting her.

I would urge you to remain focused on the matter at hand,

Which,

As we've explored,

Is sweeping your side of the street.

In time,

In letting ourselves take personal responsibility,

We often find that others start to be more open to taking personal responsibility,

Too.

When real change happens,

The effect can be almost magical.

For instance,

The parent who has long leaned on his adult child for support and help in every little matter will realize,

When his behavior is no longer being supported,

That he is much more self-sufficient than he thought.

This happens because,

On some level,

Most people instinctively know when the interaction within a family or another group does not work and they realize that they have to step up and do something about it.

When the discomfort is too great,

People are forced to make change,

One way or another.

In my family,

I gave myself permission to look at my behavior and how it was impacting me and those I loved.

I made a conscious decision to change things to support myself and allow others to live their lives on their own terms.

At first,

It was really difficult as no one understood what was happening to me.

I felt they thought I was being selfish and mean and maybe sometimes they did.

But in the long run,

There were some very positive ramifications for how we all interacted.

My mother and sister now get along much better and we all listen to and support each other much more as we're no longer trying to control or change one another.

Luckily,

It seemed that as I evolved,

Everyone else did too.

The Choices We Make We all have to make important choices about how we interact with the people in our lives.

Do we walk away from them?

Do we stay?

What kind of relationships do we want to have?

James,

A Story of Friendship A client of mine,

James,

Told me how disappointed he was with an old friend.

I'm always there for him as a friend,

He said,

In good times and bad,

But he seems to only want to hang out when I'm up for some fun.

I feel that I'm the only one putting all the effort into our friendship and that Mike wouldn't bother with me if I was having a bad time at work and was being a bit of a downer.

We talked about this relationship and James realized that he had been tolerating his friend's behavior for years without accepting it and changing his own behavior in relation to it.

Mike's behavior annoyed him,

But he hadn't done anything about it.

Eventually,

He determined that he could either move away from the friendship and decide that it had run its course or accept that his old friend was great fun on a night out,

But not the one to turn to in a crisis.

He decided to accept the latter and to look elsewhere when he needed practical and emotional support.

Mike would always be fun when he wanted to go out for a few pints or to a football match,

But was not someone to lean on emotionally.

Once James had decided to accept this as okay,

He could let go of his anger and resentment about Mike's behavior.

After all,

Mike was just living by his values,

Which were in some instances different from James's.

Be in healthy relationships.

When it comes to healthy relationships and taking back our lives,

How we define what we want in our relationships is up to us.

So long as our needs and desires don't depend solely on someone else changing,

We have every right to work on creating these relationships by taking control of what we can,

Letting go of what we cannot,

And understanding where our actions can influence outcomes.

Now,

Whilst I know you have it in you to make the changes you need to in your relationships,

As we've seen,

It's not always going to be easy.

There will be times when it is downright hard and when the people in your life are resistant,

At least at first.

It can be isolating and it can be lonely,

But my message to you is that trusting yourself and allowing yourself to be who you really are is feasible.

It is doable and it will make positive changes not just for you,

But for everyone you care about.

The Permission Journey Stage 6 So here you are at your sixth stop in the Maldives,

In the Indian Ocean.

To get here,

You learnt what it takes to be in healthy relationships.

The journey itself is the process.

Everything you have become aware of,

Everything you have learnt,

And everything you have started to implement in your everyday life.

Here is the same set of questions you've previously heard,

But this time,

Hold your relationships in the forefront of your mind as you answer them.

As before,

These questions allow you to gauge where you are and what you've learnt.

As always,

It's good to take stock of how far you've come and your answers to these questions will act as a celebration of sorts.

Remember,

It's all about taking souvenirs with you and leaving behind items that just weigh down your suitcase.

1.

What did you learn for and about yourself?

In this chapter.

2.

What tools or realisations are you going to take with you on your journey?

3.

What traits,

Behaviours,

Thoughts,

Or memories are you going to leave behind?

Armed with your newfound communication skills,

You are now ready to embark on the next stage of your journey.