You've Changed But Your Relationshjips Haven't? Here's Why

So if you've done a lot of personal growth work,

But your relationships are still failing,

This video's for you.

I can't tell you how many people have told me I've done a lot of work,

But as they start sharing with me,

There's a mismatch between the work they've done and the results they're not getting.

So in this video,

I'm gonna share with you,

How do you know when you're making real progress?

But if you're new,

My name's Michelle Ferris,

I'm a psychotherapist,

And I love helping people create relationships at work.

Of people get confused with what doing a lot of work actually means and how that gets translated into real progress so maybe you can relate to some of these statements You've been in therapy for years.

You've attended 12-step programs and maybe even belong to more than one.

You've read a ton of self-help books or listened to a lot of podcasts.

You've attended retreats and workshops and even done a few paid programs.

And while all of that does matter,

It doesn't necessarily equate to real change because real change shows up as new behavior,

Not insight,

Not understanding,

Not even participation.

Because if you haven't made real progress,

This might be why.

One thing I notice is when people are stuck in their growth,

Stories reflect that.

So if you haven't made the progress you want to make,

These are some of the reasons I want you to explore.

One is your stories are still centered around what other people are doing to you.

This is where we're still flirting with that victim mentality because we're hurt and there's a time and a place for that in our growth and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it because there isn't,

But it also may be preventing you from the relationships that you really want.

Another sign is that boundaries are still too scary for you to consider setting.

You'd rather stay silent because you don't want to risk upsetting the other person.

But as a result,

You're really saying your needs don't matter,

And they do.

Or you notice in relationship you have a lot of unhealed resentment,

But you don't feel like you can tell the truth or speak up.

Another sign is that you don't feel authentic in your relationships.

There's still a level of feeling like you have to pretend or be the chameleon depending on who is in front of you.

And that's a really lonely way to have relationship.

So if you're struggling with any of these,

Say me too in the comments.

You're not alone.

I'm going to show you what real progress looks like.

But first,

Let's talk about why this happens.

Because most of the work,

Especially in the beginning,

Is internal.

It's around increasing your awareness to what's dysfunctional in you,

In other people,

In your relationships.

Past because awareness is the first step in growth for sure we have to become aware of what isn't working in our lives so that we know what needs to change but that awareness alone doesn't translate to real change or behavior change so that's what i'm going to walk you through at this point because real change looks like managing your emotions effectively creating relationships that work for you not against you especially around toxic people or toxic behavior.

Letting people be responsible for themselves.

So what does real change look like?

Here's how you know.

Your stories are now shifting to your part in that story.

So for instance,

Maybe you just had an argument with your spouse and you call a friend for support.

Sure,

Initially what we all do is we do some complaining,

We talk about the other person's behavior.

That's pretty normal,

But it doesn't stop there.

Real progress at some point in that conversation you're gonna shift that focus away from what they're doing to you to what you are doing in that situation yourself this for me is what I do every time I call a girlfriend I will start off with the story and what I'm frustrated with and then I ask myself what can I do in this situation where is my part how am I contributing because that's the part we have to see real change in your relationship because expecting somebody else to change while we think we don't have to change is really not gonna help you create the relationships you want.

Another sign of real change in your personal growth is that your relationships change not because the other person changed or got into therapy or got sober,

But it's because you're showing up differently.

You're willing to take care of yourself.

You're willing to trust yourself in your own perceptions.

And let that guide you in your decision making.

You're able to trust that if a situation or a person doesn't feel good to you,

You take action.

You don't ignore it and hope that it goes away on its own.

Because that will totally transform how you do relationship.

Another sign of real change is that boundaries are less scary.

And you're actually realizing that the boundaries you're setting are more about your own choices on what you're going to participate in and when you're going to remove yourself versus trying to get somebody else to change their behavior.

Because that's a request or an ultimatum,

Depending on how you say it.

But boundaries become so much easier when you realize they're about your own choices.

That and you can take care of yourself around someone who's toxic because you're not expecting them to stop their behavior you're choosing not to participate in that behavior anymore and that's a real sign of growth Another example of real change is when somebody hurts your feelings,

You don't stay silent.

You don't ignore it,

Hoping it's going to go away or they're going to eventually get what they said and come back and apologize.

Because 99% of the time,

If we don't speak up,

The other person has no idea that we're hurt.

So the next time somebody hurts your feelings,

You actually have the courage to say,

Hey,

You know what?

Can we go back a minute?

What you just said there,

Can you help me understand?

That hurt my feelings.

Just put it out there and put it out there in a subjective way.

You know,

That didn't feel good to me.

Can you help me understand what you meant?

Because that way you're not attacking the other person.

You're not making them wrong.

But you're saying,

Hey,

You know what?

This doesn't feel right to me.

Can we talk about it?

Usually people are much more receptive when we're not accusing them of bad behavior.

Because most people,

I believe,

Unless they're toxic or narcissistic,

Don't have any ill intentions towards us.

Sign of real change is that you feel like yourself in relationship.

You feel like you can make a mistake or do something silly or goofy that is really a part of your nature and not second guess or feel like you're stupid.

I think for me,

Being authentic in my relationships took the longest because I was so afraid of how other people would receive me.

But you know what?

It was me stopping me from growing because what I realized was if I couldn't be they really shouldn't be in my life and they definitely shouldn't be in my inner circle because the people who are the safe ones are the ones I want you to be authentic with but I am talking about just letting yourself be who you are so you're out in the world maybe you tell a corny joke it falls flat so what that's who you are or you're an introvert and you don't really want a lot of social time with other people you feel safer at home great maybe that's who you are Honor that.

Because part of healthy relationships is being able to be yourself.

Because if we can't do that and we feel like we're always pretending,

Hoping to be loved,

That's really not going to create relationships that work for you.

It's going to put you into toxic,

One-sided relationships that I don't want for you.

So if your relationships aren't changing,

That doesn't mean you need to do more work.

It just means you may need to do it differently.

Thanks so much.