Why You Can't Say No (And How to Fix That)

So this week I had a really interesting experience that I want to share with you because I will bet you've been in the exact same situation.

So I was asked by a colleague to do an online event.

And so typically before these things,

You have what's called a discovery call.

So on the call,

They were super nice,

But it really became apparent that,

Oh,

This might not be the best fit.

And we talked for about 15 minutes.

Again,

They were lovely,

Nothing against them.

And I said yes,

It was a small time commitment.

And then I got off the phone and immediately my gut was screaming,

I don't want to do this.

And my first thought was,

Well,

Michelle,

It's not that big a deal,

Right?

They're not asking me for much.

Why not do it?

Be the good person.

And all the while I'm telling myself this stuff,

Maybe you can relate,

My gut is telling me,

No,

I have no desire to do it.

And I could feel it because my nose in my stomach and that's where I feel it just that absolute wall of Nope.

I don't want to do it.

So.

.

.

I emailed the person,

Still almost ready to do it.

And I couldn't,

I could not email them.

And this process was maybe only 10 minutes.

Once I realized I didn't want to email the person either,

I thought,

Okay,

This is my no.

Like,

I get it.

Even though up here,

I was telling myself,

It's not that big a deal.

Why not just do it?

You've already said yes.

My intuition was so clearly telling me that it was a no.

I did not want to do it.

This was not a good match.

This was not a good use of my time.

So I emailed them and I said,

You know what?

I'm really sorry.

You're lovely,

But I just don't think this is the project for me.

And they were great.

It was no big deal.

But what was interesting was one,

How much I wanted to justify doing it anyway,

Even though my whole being was saying to me,

No,

It's not a good fit.

Now luckily this only took me 10 minutes.

Years past in my recovery I would have absolutely done it anyway and had that gut feeling that lingered until I actually did it and probably had some negative consequences as a result like it probably wouldn't have gone well,

More red flags would have shown up,

At which probably would have confirmed my intuition in the first place.

But I got to avoid all that,

Which is great.

But here's the other thing that really stuck out for me was after I sent the email.

Politely declining,

I immediately felt lighter and I had all this positive energy to actually do something productive in my business.

And what I realized was it was a huge validation of myself that happened right away in the form of positive energy.

And that's what I wanted to share with you was that when you say no,

Because you're really saying yes to yourself,

You are going to get the benefit of that.

Whether you feel better,

You don't feel resentful,

You can let go of something,

You have more control of your time,

Whatever it is,

It was so immediate,

The response my body had to saying no to something that didn't serve me.

And I know sometimes we can tell ourselves just like I did,

Oh,

We should do it anyway.

This isn't a big deal.

There's no logical reason I should say no.

You know what?

You don't need a logical reason to say no or to set the boundary.

All you need is a feeling that it's not going to work for you.

Because that's what it did in the 10 minute span of me before I said no that feeling just grew and grew and grew until it was like you know what this is super obvious I teach this stuff I gotta just say no and it was great but it was so affirming to have that positive rush of energy to really solidify my decision and to reassure me that yeah you know what I did the right thing.

Because when we take care of ourselves first,

Things fall into place.

But when we go through with the shoulds,

I notice that there's more consequences,

Whether it's emotionally,

Physically,

Maybe I have some muscle tension or resentment,

Whatever that consequence is,

It lingers until I finally handle it.

And maybe that's true for you too,

Where you're saying yes in your life when you really mean no,

And you're paying the price for that.

Maybe your body is screaming at you like it did me.

I don't want to do this.

So the goal of recovery is to let that be okay and don't judge yourself for it.

Don't make yourself wrong because you're not.

If you have a feeling that you want to say no,

Even though there's no evidence outside that supports that,

Do it anyway.

Because Doing it for yourself is the win.

Now,

It doesn't mean you're going to say no every single time.

Some people get really freaked out about,

Oh my God,

What if I say no and now I'm never going to say yes.

Again,

That black and white thinking,

That's not going to happen.

Part of what we need to do is to just let the know live.

So that we can have some peace because when you're saying yes all the time and you really don't mean to,

You're not living in peace,

You're living in frustration and resentment and I don't want that for you.

So I hope you found this helpful.

I just thought it was really an interesting experience that I thought you might benefit from.

Thanks so much.