What Detachment Really Looks Like in Relationships

So if you've ever had trouble letting go of someone else's behavior,

This video is for you.

Because today I'm going to be talking about what emotional detachment really looks like in relationship.

And if you're new,

My name is Michelle Ferris,

I'm a psychotherapist,

And I love helping people create relationships that work.

So I know that if you're here,

You care,

You want to help,

You have a huge heart.

But when somebody's struggling,

You feel responsible,

You feel like it's your job to fix it and solve it.

And this can create a lot of tension in relationships.

So detachment is actually the solution to that,

To keep your relationships healthy,

And to help you set better boundaries.

So what is detachment?

Detachment is the ability to let go of people in certain situations that are upsetting you.

So practicing emotional detachment creates emotional and mental space in our relationships.

It's an internal boundary,

Something you do to stay on your side of the street.

Detachment is not a punishment.

It's not being cold or uncaring.

It's a way to give the other person the dignity to have their own life without jumping in to fix it.

So what does emotional detachment look like in our relationships?

Here's a few examples.

The first one is the adult child.

Let's say your child is making decisions that you don't agree with,

But they're an adult.

What do you do?

Well,

You've probably already tried giving them advice,

Steering them in the right direction,

Making sure they're doing what they need to do,

Maybe even making calls for them.

But they never asked for help.

And even if they did,

That's still overstepping when they're an adult.

But you worry.

You try to guide them.

Your heart is in the right place.

But often this creates a lot of tension in the relationship because it sets our child up,

One,

To become emotionally dependent on us,

Which is going to thwart their ability to be a healthy adult.

And two,

It's going to make you become hyper-focused on saving your adult child.

And that's not necessarily healthy either.

So what does detachment look like in this situation?

They're sharing a problem with you.

Instead of responding,

You take a breath.

You listen.

You show support in other ways,

Like even asking them,

What do you need from me right now?

That is probably the most underutilized tool I've seen people do.

Because when you think you have the other person's solution,

Even your adult child,

Usually you're wrong.

And asking that question gives them the dignity to figure it out,

And it's a great example of emotional detachment.

You might say something like,

You know,

I trust that you're going to figure this out.

Because showing them that you trust their decision-making is a huge part of having a healthy relationship.

Even if you don't trust their decisions,

Most of us had to go through that process as young adults,

To make the wrong decisions and have the consequences,

Because that's how we learned.

And when we step in,

We rob our child of that,

And I don't want that for you.

If this is resonating with you,

Say me too in the comments.

I'm really hoping this will help.

Now the next example is your partner's in a bad mood.

So you come home,

You see that they're in a bad mood,

And you immediately want to fix it.

You want to step in.

You want to cheer them up.

Because maybe it makes you feel a little anxious.

Maybe you feel like it's your job or the other shoe is going to drop if you don't fix it.

Often this goes back to childhood,

Where we took care of someone emotionally in order to survive our childhood.

But in our adult relationships,

Trying to fix or change the other person's mood usually doesn't turn out that well.

The other person doesn't want to be fixed.

Because think about it,

When you're upset,

Do you want somebody to fix you or to cheer you up?

Or do you want somebody to validate and say,

You know what,

I see that you're hurting.

What do you need right now?

Most likely it's the latter.

And that's how you start to have healthier relationships.

So what does detachment look like here?

You might say something like,

I can see you had a really rough day.

I'm here if you need me.

And then leave it alone.

Because even when it's our partner that we live with,

We can't take responsibility for how they do their life or whether or not they solve their own problems.

Because that's a pretty big burden.

And as an adult,

You probably have your own stuff to deal with.

And it really shows a lot of respect if you can let your partner figure it out.

So you don't chase them.

You don't try to manage their mood.

You don't try to joke them out of it or telling a funny story.

Because most likely those things are going to fall flat and I don't want that for you.

So the next example is your friend is struggling financially and you feel compelled to step in and fix it.

Maybe you want to lend them a little bit of money that you don't really have,

But you can't stand to see them hurting.

Maybe they have a huge sob story around it that really tugs at your heartstrings and makes you feel guilty.

So you jump into problem-solving mode.

But think about it.

Whose problem is it really?

It's your friend's problem.

It's not yours.

Part of setting healthy boundaries is knowing what your boundary is.

Knowing where the line is between what you're responsible for and what the other person is responsible for.

That's a very important distinction because we can't fix anybody else's life.

And the more you can understand that,

The more you're going to be able to stay on your side of the street,

Which is why detachment is going to help you so much in these situations.

So what do you say to the friend?

That sounds really stressful.

I can understand why you're worrying.

I'm here to listen when you need me.

That's all you need to do as a friend.

You don't need to fix it for them.

You just need to be a witness to what they're experiencing because that's how people feel supported and validated.

To just say something like,

I see you,

I hear you.

This is such an important tool in showing emotional support.

And this is what detachment looks like in relationships.

It's not being cold and unsupportive like,

Oh,

That's too bad,

You better figure it out for yourself.

No,

It's about,

Wow,

I know you're really hurting and I'm here for you.

It doesn't require you to take action on their behalf because detachment keeps you focused on what you can control,

Which is your thoughts,

Your beliefs,

And your actions.

Not reacting to every little thing somebody else is doing because that is how you go down the tube really quickly and I don't want that for you either.

When you don't detach,

You stay stuck in somebody else's problems.

You start to spend more time worrying about their life than your own life and you end up over giving,

Which leads to resentment and sometimes you stay in these situations so long that they become toxic.

So what do you actually do in relationship when you're practicing emotional detachment?

You pause instead of react.

You listen without fixing or giving advice.

You validate their pain without taking it on as your own.

You step back instead of stepping in.

You wait sometimes for them to seek you out versus you always seeking them out and you allow natural consequences to occur and this is a big one because silence does the work for you.

Sometimes that's the simplest form of detachment is to just keep your mouth shut and let them do what they're going to do because if you try to interfere in any way,

It's usually going to backfire on you in some way and I don't want that.

So I also wanted to include some affirmations when trying to detach.

So instead of saying to yourself something like,

Oh my God,

I have to fix this.

I need to make them feel better.

I want you to practice these affirmations.

This isn't mine to fix.

It's okay to let them figure it out.

I don't need to do anything right now.

Their feelings are not my responsibility.

I can show support without fixing or taking on their life.

That's self-trust to trust yourself that it's okay for you to do less and to let them have their experiences.

That's emotional health.

You letting other people have their own life so that they learn the lessons they need to learn.

It's like saying,

I trust you to handle your own life because the goal isn't to love less when detaching.

It's about loving them in a way that's healthy without losing yourself.

Thanks so much.