Healthy Boundaries: What They Are And Why They Matter

In this video, you will learn what healthy boundaries are, why they are essential for healthy relationships, and how they help you protect your emotional well-being. You’ll discover how boundaries clarify your needs and allow you to take better care of yourself. Learn more with me!

Transcript

So what are boundaries in relationships and why do we need them? That's this week's topic because every relationship needs boundaries in order to stay healthy, No matter who it's with. I'm going to share what are boundaries, What they're not, And what do they look like in relationships so that you can start to set better boundaries and take better care of yourself. But first, My name is Michelle Ferris. I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create relationships that work. Now, If you've ever tried to set a boundary, I want you to say ditto in the comments because that means that you're already on the path and you're already trying this stuff, Which is really exciting. So what are boundaries? Boundaries are basically limits that you set for yourself that determine where you're going to spend your time and where you're going to spend your energy. They're really decisions that are based on your own core values, Things that are really important to you that you either respect or you ignore. A lot of people, Especially if you're codependent, Don't know how to start to set boundaries because sometimes we don't really understand what they are. Are. So the thing with boundaries is that they're more about you and what you decide to do than getting somebody else to change their behavior. That's the biggest misconception people have with boundaries is that they try to use a boundary to get somebody to change their behavior and that's why they don't work. So let's talk about what boundaries aren't. Boundaries are not ultimatums that say things like, If you don't stop drinking, I'm going to leave you. That's an ultimatum. Another one might be attempts at trying to control or change somebody else and who they are and their own behavior, Or making somebody feel guilty or manipulate them into trying to do what you want them to do. Those are not boundaries. What a boundary is, Is you being very clear in what you will tolerate in a relationship and what you won't tolerate. Now that doesn't mean you're going to leave every relationship you're in, But it means that you may have to make some choices to walk away or to take better care of yourself rather than stay and tolerate a behavior that's abusive or not okay with you. Because boundaries are decisions you make to keep yourself physically and emotionally safe. While some boundaries may seem universal, Like we all want to be respected and loved and talked to in a kind way, Others can differ, Like the amount of personal space you need when standing next to someone. That is a very individual boundary. This is exactly why sometimes people have a hard time figuring out their boundaries, Because there is no set boundary that works for every single person. Because boundaries really depend on what's important to you. For instance, Because I've been in recovery a long time and I've done a lot of personal growth work, One of my values is recovery. So in relationship, I'm very careful, Especially people who are close to me, Most of them have done some personal growth work. Internal boundary I have because I'm not really interested in being close with people who have absolutely no interest in personal growth. But that's an example of a boundary is it's my own decision on how I'm going to take care of myself in relationships. And sometimes boundaries are simply that. They're preferences we have with the kind of people we want to be around. For instance, Another boundary might be, If I have a friend who drinks too much, I'm not really interested in hanging out at the bars. That's not a value of mine at all. So that might be where we part company and I can be friends with someone who drinks too much to a limited degree, But I'm not necessarily gonna have someone super close to me that's really in the depths of alcoholism. So let's talk about some examples of what boundaries are. So the simplest one to start with is saying no. This is huge. Another simple boundary is to walk away when somebody is disrespecting you or mistreating you or yelling at you or maybe they're having a rage and you really don't feel safe. Walking away can be a very easy yet powerful boundary to start. Another powerful boundary is to make sure you have enough physical space when you're standing next to someone or when you're talking in a conversation because if somebody's standing too close, You're probably going to feel uncomfortable. Especially if you have a history of abuse or somebody violating your personal space, Then it's going to be really important for you to be able to control that amount of space. Another common boundary is the need for privacy. So your passwords, Your email, Your texts belongs to you. It's not a free reign for your partner to have total access because they're insecure or because they're wanting to check up on you. That is a very important boundary that again, Each person is going to set for themselves. So why are boundaries so important in relationship? They're basically our first step in taking better care of ourselves because when you don't set boundaries you feel resentful. You feel like you're being taken advantage of a lot and that's no fun because setting boundaries is where we have the most power because that's how we can decide what we're going to participate in and when we're going to remove ourselves in relationships. You get to decide what behaviors are okay for you and what behaviors are not okay with you. And again, This doesn't mean you're leaving the relationship you're in if there are abusive or bad behaviors and you're not ready to leave yet. But it also doesn't mean you have to stay and put up with it. Part of why boundaries are so important is that it gives you an option to keep yourself safe. So when somebody is yelling at you or in a rage, Instead of staying, You actually leave the room and you do what you need to do to protect yourself. Powerful boundary. All you're doing is walking away. You're not chastising them. You're not trying to control their behavior or getting them to calm down. You're just backing off enough so that you can stay safe. That's a very powerful boundary in a relationship. So for example, Your partner drinks too much and a common boundary people set is again, It's really more of an ultimatum. I need you to stop drinking for us to stay married. A different way to say that is, You know what, When you're drinking, I'm not going to hang around. I'm going to go in the other room. I'm going to make my own plans. But you're stating the fact that this is a behavior I'm not willing to put up with anymore. And if you decide not to get help, I'm going to take action and separate. That's a very clear boundary because you are inviting the other person to look at their behavior. You're not making them do it. And if that other person decides, Hey, You know what, This is important enough for me to actually look into getting help, Then you might be able to salvage the relationship. And that's where boundaries give you the power to change your experiences because you don't have to tolerate abusive behavior. But here's the thing. Boundaries are not about controlling the outcome. You can say, You know what, I'm not willing to hang out with you when you're drinking or when you're mistreating me, But you also don't know whether or not that other person is going to choose to stay sober. And that's another aspect of boundaries is boundaries always comes back to you. You have to decide what you're going to do with your own life. You can't make a boundary be getting someone else to change their behavior. Now, Let's talk about the biggest misconception people have around boundaries, Because I know there's a lot of fear. I know there was for me, And sometimes there still is. But the most common fear in setting boundaries is being afraid to upset the other person. Maybe they're going to get mad at me. Maybe they're going to think I'm selfish or self-centered if I say what I really want. But the truth is, Is that boundaries are a measure of how healthy your relationship is. Relationships are. And if you're in a relationship that can't tolerate any boundaries, That's a problem. That's a major, Major red flag. You need to decide what those behaviors are that are going to be what I call non-negotiables. These are behaviors that you absolutely need in your intimate relationships. Usually that's physical safety, Respect, Trust, Loyalty, Things that are really core to who you are. Now, If you grew up with a rageful parent, You are going to be more afraid to set boundaries and you may be more likely to assume a negative outcome. That's normal. But part of setting boundaries is to recognize what you need today and who those people are in your life today that respect your boundaries or dishonor your boundaries. Because those people who dishonor your boundary time and time again, Those are the people you're going to need to back off from and you're going to need to lower your expectations and really do you can do to protect yourself from them. Because when people consistently violate our boundaries, They're not safe people to be around. And that's why boundaries are so challenging, Because sometimes that's what we find out. We find out, Oh, Wow, My mother or my best friend really doesn't honor my boundaries. It may require you speaking up and saying, Hey, You know what, I want to have a conversation because I noticed that some of my boundaries are not being respected and honored, And I want to talk about that. That can be a really important conversation to have in your relationships. Now, When we get afraid to set boundaries, This is what it looks like. We end up doing favors for people that we really don't want to do. We end up doing all the housework because it's easier than asking for help. We say yes to a family vacation when really we'd rather stay home. So notice a theme here. When we're not setting boundaries, We're usually saying yes when we mean no. And right on the heels of that is going to be feelings of resentment and feeling like your needs don't count. And that's why boundaries are so important in relationship because they give us a sense that our needs are important and that we deserve to be respected. Again, When the boundaries are about us, They're much easier to tolerate. When the boundaries are about trying to control the other person or trying to get certain outcome, They're going to be really, Really frustrating. Now the other thing I want you to think about is when you first start setting boundaries, There's going to be some people that are uncomfortable and they might push back and not want you to change the dynamic of the relationship because setting boundaries introduces something new. Even though this is normal, This could also be a point to start bringing up in your relationship by saying something like, You know what, I know that this is new for me to stand up for myself or for me to speak up and I want to recognize that that may be a little uncomfortable for both of us but I really want to work on this because it's going to make me feel better in the long run and I think it's going to actually help us get closer is to be able to share with your loved ones why boundaries are going to help the relationship and help you in the long run rather than see it as something negative but at first any change can be scary so it's really important to be able to educate your family and friends there is going to some growing pains. So what happens though when your family and friends consistently disrespect your boundaries? That's when you may have to do something different. You may have to lower your expectations. You may have to remove yourself or spend less time with them because investing in a relationship over and over again with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries is exhausting and painful. Now with some people, If this is your spouse, If this is your parent or your child and you're going to be with them no matter what because you're not willing to leave that relationship, That's when you may need to practice detachment because that can be another really important tool for you when you want to stay in a relationship but you also have to protect yourself when your boundaries aren't being respected. So another thing I want to address with setting boundaries is that it's really the ultimate form of self-care because when you know how to say yes and when you can say no and you really can make those choices consciously, Not just out of obligation or fear of what the other person is going to say, You're going to feel empowered. And instead of feeling frustrated in your relationships, You're going to feel really confident. Because when I wasn't setting boundaries in my relationships, I felt super taken advantage of and I was frustrated all the time. Now, In my relationships, When somebody asks me to do something and I don't want to do it, I just say no. And that gives me my time back because time is precious and I'm busy like most people. And there are certain things I just don't feel like doing. So again, The easiest boundary for you to set is to start saying no. And I'm gonna add one more thing, Do less. So maybe if somebody asks you for a favor and you feel like you can't say no yet, Offer less help. Instead of helping them the whole day, You help them for three hours. So you actually get some time to relax yourself on a Sunday. That's kind of an example of being able to do less because it gives you what you need, Which is your own time to do what you want to do. Because boundaries are your choices. You get to decide where you're going to put your energy in your relationships and where you're not. So, For instance, If you have a friend that's really dramatic and they tend to complain a lot, Maybe you still want to be friends with them, But maybe a boundary is going to be, I have 15 minutes and I'm willing to listen for 15 minutes and after that, I got to get off the phone because if I don't, I'm going to be really frustrated. That's a very kind, Loving boundary. You're still connected to that person who talks a lot or tends to be dramatic, But you don't let them control your time and you don't stay on the phone for hours and hours. And then feel resentful. So boundaries are really about telling your truth and honoring what you need in relationship. And the more you do that, The better you're going to feel in your relationships because you'll know that your needs count. Not because they're doing anything different, Because sometimes it's really easy to assume the other person has to change for us to be happy. And boundaries are all about us changing and us standing up for ourselves. Thanks so much.