I came to Bali to build something.
Well that was the plan.
And within two days of arriving,
Me and my partner were both injured.
Got followed was about six months of learning something I thought I already knew.
At first I thought it was just bad timing,
I said that.
Something we would bounce back from quickly.
I mean,
Relatively quickly.
It was quite the accident.
But the thing I struggled with most was the pain.
It was the interruption,
It was the removal of things I built around my days.
It was training,
Creating.
Moving forward towards something.
I realised very quickly how uncomfortable I was without my mentor.
Not just uncomfortable.
Lost.
.
.
Astray.
.
.
I've always been someone who pushes through things,
Works harder.
Tends to adapt and normally keeps going.
And I think that part of me genuinely believed discipline could solve everything.
So I pushed and things got worse.
Re-injury.
More pain.
More setbacks.
The face burn was the one thing that broke me a little honestly,
Looking in the mirror and seeing your face fried.
I found a laser clinic in Bali and the prices compared to the UK are incomparably cheaper.
The downside?
They are not accustomed to more melanated skin.
And I remember sitting with eyes to my face thinking,
What is happening?
Not dramatically,
Just generally confused.
I kept me confused at what I was doing.
How hard I was still pushing and the fact that I still hadn't stopped.
At some point,
It stopped feeling like bad luck.
It started feeling like something I wasn't listening to.
It felt like the engine of.
.
.
Bad events was emanating from me in some sort.
I'd spent months building guided meditations for people to sit down with their discomfort.
And here I was,
Genuinely unable to do it myself.
Not because I didn't know how,
But because knowing how and actually doing it does two completely different things.
The breath work,
The stillness,
The practice of actually sitting with what's there.
I'd been teaching it,
But I hadn't been living it.
And there's something worth seeing with that.
Be still.
And know that I am God.
Psalms 46 I think for the first time in a long time.
I actually understood that.
Not intellectually,
Physically.
I realized I didn't just struggle with pain.
Struggled with stopping.
I think what scared me about stopping was that I didn't know who I was without the movement.
Productivity was identity,
Progress was the proof.
Proof of,
While I'm still not entirely sure.
I was trying to build a picture around it and hope that that road would take me somewhere.
But if you never learn how to stop.
You spend your whole life building something you never actually get to inhabit.
Honestly,
I don't think I understand.
Why I've had to go through this season,
Yeah The lessons are definitely still simmering through.
But I do know that my next season that I'm going into.
.
.
Will be probably more intentional.
Or grounded and I honestly wanted to share that part just in case anyone else is feeling as though life has forced them to pause,
Forced them to slow down.
Because there might be something there.
Worth looking at and taking the time to digest.
Alright,
I'll see you in the next one.
