Understanding Your Shadow - Bring Your Shadow Into The Light

A talk on bringing the shadow aspect of ourselves into the light - Have you ever found yourself obsessively criticizing someone? Maybe you're the reliable friend who's secretly seething with resentment, or the perfectionist who hasn't finished a project in years. Through relatable stories of Sarah the stuck artist, Mark the burnt-out people pleaser, and Lisa the anxious overachiever, discover how your unacknowledged patterns might be running the show.

Transcript

I'll be doing my Honesty Journal talk where I'm able to go into my own psyche and speak about shadow work and hopefully it will relate to you and I'll provide a few examples of how your shadow may be affecting your life.

So let's get started.

The Mirror.

Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and felt like the person staring back at you wasn't entirely you?

As if there's a part of you hiding in the shadows,

Just out of sight,

But still pulling the strings potentially?

That part of you,

Your shadow self,

Is what we're about to explore tonight,

Or in this talk.

I've definitely felt that awkwardness at times where I can't hold my own gaze in the mirror and I've decided to stop shying away from that and step towards it.

So allow me to flesh out maybe a story,

Hopefully it will relate to you and it will give you a bit more of an understanding of what shadow work is and understanding the shadow.

So now let's imagine walking down a street on a sunny day,

Your shadow follows you faithfully yet you rarely notice it,

But just like that physical shadow,

Your psychological shadow is always there,

Influencing your choices,

Your reactions and relationships in ways that you might never suspect.

Every virtue we admire has a shadow twin,

Kindness can hide resentment,

Confidence can mask insecurity and generosity can breed bitterness especially when unreciprocated.

We love to think we know ourselves and what if the person we think we are is just the tip of the iceberg?

What lies beneath?

Hopefully you can scratch the surface of that now.

So let me share a personal story that opened my eyes to my own shadow.

Years ago I found myself constantly criticising a colleague who was quite successful,

Very confident and every time she spoke up in meetings I would internally roll my eyes at her arrogance.

It took me months of painful self-reflection,

Nights questioning my very judgement to realise what truly bothered me wasn't her confidence,

It was my own buried desire to be more assertive,

A quality I had maybe not nurtured,

You could say suppressed because I was taught that nice people don't show off,

But more than anything not having a masculine figure in my upbringing definitely didn't allow me to cultivate that,

So I've always shied away,

Especially being a black man as well,

Being 6ft plus,

It's something where you feel you need to make yourself smaller and in this process I hope to be able to step into my full being,

Not make myself small,

But be myself and if that triggers other people,

Be understanding that it's their journey and not mine.

Let's explore the shadow in daily life.

Some common ways the shadow controls us without our awareness is the perfectionist prison.

I'm going to create a little example here that may resonate but still take note of it even if it doesn't resonate,

It gives you a bit more of an idea of how the shadow plays out in other people.

So let's meet,

Let's say Sarah,

She's a talented artist who hasn't completed a single piece in two years.

She tells everyone she's working on something special,

But the truth is,

She's paralysed by an inner critic,

Her shadow carries the weight of a childhood where anything less than perfect was met with disappointment.

Now rather than risk imperfection,

She just doesn't create at all.

This is the perfectionist prison,

Where it doesn't allow you to step into the person you choose or say you are.

Here's another,

The people pleaser paradox.

Let's use a male figure this time,

Let's use,

Consider Mark who prides himself in being the nice guy,

He never says no to anyone's requests or takes on extra work without complaint and is everyone's go-to person,

But beneath his helpful exterior lurks a shadow of repressed anger and this could easily surface in passive aggressive comments,

Mysterious illnesses before big commitments and a deep resentment he can't acknowledge.

But that resentment could come out in those missed appointments,

Those passive aggressive statements,

Those eye rolls,

Those bodily gestures that truly show disgust to another,

But really the disgust is internal towards himself when viewing their actions.

Here's another,

The controller's chaos,

Let's use Lisa,

A successful executive who micromanages every aspect of her life and work,

Her calendar is precise to the minute,

Her home is immaculately organised,

But when her shadow of fear and vulnerability peeks through,

It manifests in anxiety attacks and insomnia.

Her need for control is really her shadow's way of dealing with childhood uncertainty.

Now it's clear that Lisa isn't a child anymore but it's still playing out,

Understanding and going back to some core childhood memories and processing them,

Completely processing them allows you to move forward in the world with a bit more oomph or completion,

Allowing you to be your most authentic,

Courageous,

Confident,

But beautifully yourself in your authentic expression.

No one can do any better than that,

But that's your journey,

Everyone's uniquely themselves and being able to express that is why we have that pull towards people who are uniquely themselves,

Because they've truly stepped into their shadow,

They've accepted their inaccuracies,

Their accuracies and they're willing to put themselves forward and be open to criticism.

It always,

Always allows room for growth,

To be humble and to be integrated,

Which is the main focus of any type of shadower,

Is to integrate the shadow within.

So here's some signs that potentially your shadow is in control.

You have a strong,

Seemingly irrational reactions to certain people,

So you feel triggered,

You see someone online,

You see someone act in a particular way,

In my experience where it was someone who was just able to be really assertive,

It triggered something within me because it was something unresolved and something I have not done the work on to allow myself to be assertive.

Or you consistently attract the same problematic relationships,

This one is the most common.

A lot of people have the same types of partners and they wonder how they're attracting them,

That's definitely something I will come back to in the future.

Or you judge others harshly for qualities that you deny yourself,

Similar to what I mentioned earlier.

You procrastinate on important goals whilst claiming they're not the right time.

There never is a right time when it actually comes down to it and definitely growing and aging that becomes also true.

And here's another example,

You find yourself saying I'm not the kind of person who dot dot dot frequently,

So therefore you're denying this aspect of yourself,

You're denying something that potentially may be coming forward and you're batting it away.

If any of those resonate with you,

I definitely recommend maybe journaling a little bit more on that.

So what if the traits you despise the most in others are the very qualities you need to embrace within yourself?

What dreams have you buried in your shadow because they felt too risky,

Too audacious or even too selfish?

What would your shadow say if it could speak to you right now?

Part of yourself you don't like to shine a light on,

But it still comes out.

So the path to awareness,

This is the main thing I would like you to become aware by the end of this talk.

The first step in shadow work is simply noticing.

Start with your triggers,

Those moments when your reactions seem disproportionate to the situation.

Just ask yourself,

What exactly am I feeling?

When have I felt this before and what part of might I be denying?

Your shadow isn't just a repository of your fears or flaws,

It's also where your untapped creativity,

Power and ambition reside,

Waiting for you to claim them I would say.

Studies in psychology suggest that the more we deny our shadow,

The stronger it becomes,

Like a hidden fire growing unchecked.

I definitely have testament to that and it can get to the point where the fire burns down the house,

Which it eventually will or you'll just grow accustomed to one of your rooms in your house perpetually being on fire.

People live their whole lives potentially not addressing their shadow,

Not integrating their full self and it normally gets passed on to potentially their children.

So this is deep work that is integral for you to not only just be a good parent or a good person in society,

A good friend,

A good partner,

A good,

You know,

Anything that allows us to connect to each other.

If you can integrate your shadow,

There will be improvements in that space.

So here's a practical exercise to engage your shadow.

One that I've found really beneficial is the mirror exercise.

So standing in front of a mirror,

Looking into your own eyes and ask yourself what part of me have I been avoiding?

What part of me am I ready to reclaim?

Doing this mirror work is very confronting but there's nothing stopping you from doing it.

Another way would be shadow journaling.

Write down one trait you can't stand in someone else.

Thus it could be a movie,

It could be at work,

It could be at the gym,

It could be the way someone dresses,

It could be whatever it may be.

There's something that really ups you and triggers a part of you.

Write that down and ask yourself how might this trait show up in me?

What could it be teaching me?

This is really allowing you to connect with yourself more and really do that self-work that people talk about and really looking at all of the stones that have been unturned.

It's time to take the time to pour into yourself.

Amazing.

Thank you for listening today.

Hopefully this has just given you a little bit of ignition to potentially looking at your shadow a little bit more and hopefully you can come back to more of my talks on the shadow and how it can really,

Really impact your life as it's done for me.

And I hope to continue to do this and hopefully you'll come back for more and more.

I do want to add a closing thought to this.

Carl Jung is a psychologist.

He's from around about the 1940s I believe.

I could be wrong,

Please correct me if I am.

And he did say until you make the unconscious conscious,

It will direct your life and you will call it fate.

Your shadow holds not just your darkness but also your unlived potential.

That critical inner voice that might be the key to developing better boundaries,

That selfish impulse you suppress might be the doorway to a better self-care.

Your shadow is not a burden to be hidden but a treasure to be uncovered.

What you fear most in yourself may be what frees you.

The question is,

Are you brave enough to meet your shadow?