I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to live with this hole from where someone used to be.
Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier.
But right now,
It just feels impossible.
Like I'm supposed to figure out how to be okay when nothing will ever be okay again.
You don't need to be healing well or moving through grief in healthy ways.
You just need to be here,
Exactly as you are,
With all the rawness and pain.
You can be anywhere right now,
Curled up holding something that belonged to them,
Staring at your phone looking at old pictures.
Or sitting in your car in a parking lot because you couldn't face going inside yet.
However you've arrived here,
It's okay.
First,
Let's acknowledge something that might sound strange.
Your pain.
This pain that you are feeling.
It's love.
It's love with nowhere to go.
The depth of your hurt is equal to the depth of your connection.
This agony you're feeling,
It's proof of something beautiful that existed.
I invite you to place your hand on your heart,
Or even hold your own hand.
Maybe even wrap your arms around yourself.
This is not about feeling better right now.
This is about offering yourself the gentleness you would give to anyone else going through something this devastating.
People say things like they wouldn't want you to be sad or it's time to let go and move on.
But here is what I want you to know.
You're allowed to love them forever.
You're allowed to miss them for as long as you miss them.
Grief is not something you get over.
It's actually something you learn to carry.
Right now it feels like carrying a boulder.
Someday it might feel more like carrying a stone in your pocket.
Still there.
Still meaningful.
But not crushing you with every step.
You don't even have to believe that today.
Today all you have to do is breathe.
Your person,
Whomever they were,
They changed you.
They're woven into who you are.
When people say let go,
It's a simple misunderstanding.
They don't understand that you can't let go of part of who you are.
Instead,
You learn how to honor what they gave you while still living.
It's ok that you cannot imagine feeling joy again.
It's ok that you can't picture a future that makes sense without them.
You do not have to figure that out right now.
Right now all you have to do is breathe in this moment.
And then do the same in the next.
Sometimes people will expect you to be better by now.
Whatever that means.
But healing is not linear.
Some days you'll feel like you're making progress.
And other days the grief will hit you like a truck all over again.
Both are normal.
Both are part of love continuing,
Even when the person is gone.
There is something that may help,
Even just a little.
Your relationship with them did not end when they died.
It changed.
You are still deeply connected to them,
Only in a different way now.
The love is still real.
The impact they had on your life is still real.
That does not go away just because they are not physically here.
Take a moment to think about something they brought out in you.
Maybe they made you laugh harder,
Or feel safer,
Or even be more of yourself.
That part of you that they nurtured,
It's still there.
Some people feel that carrying that forward is betraying your grief.
It's actually honouring their love.
Some will tell you to be grateful for each and every experience,
That that is how you grow.
But you do not have to be grateful for this experience.
You don't have to find meaning in it,
Or silver lining,
Or even a lesson.
Some losses are just losses,
And they are terrible,
And it is okay to say that.
But you are stronger than you know.
Not because you have to be.
Not because everything happens for a reason.
But because you are still here.
You are still breathing.
Still trying.
Still loving them,
Even when it hurts this much.
And that,
My sweet friend,
Takes incredible courage.
I want you to sit for a moment.
Allow the tears to flow.
Allow yourself to remember the love.
Allow yourself to appreciate what this person brought out in you.
These are all yours to carry as well.
The love.
The memories.
The transformations.
Acknowledging them may just help that boulder you're holding feel a little bit lighter.
And when you are ready,
There's an invitation to carry this with you.
You don't have to heal in any particular way or timeline.
You don't even have to be okay.
You just have to keep loving them,
And keep loving yourself,
Through this possibly impossible thing.
That is enough.
And with each and every day,
I invite you to come back to this meditation.
Honoring your journey.
Honoring the one you love.
Pausing for a moment to breathe.
And with that,
Take three slow,
Deep breaths.
Grounding your body just a little.
And come back into your day,
However you need to be.
