When The Valentine’s Day Petals Have Wilted

Valentine’s Day often teaches us to measure love by how it feels: intensity, closeness and being chosen. But when the feelings fade, many people assume something has gone wrong.

In this reflection, I explore the difference between love, cathexis and care. Cathexis is the emotional charge and attachment that can feel like love but is often organised around reassurance and regulation. Care is the impulse to support, rescue or carry, which can sometimes block growth when it becomes over-functioning.

Love, as I describe it here, is something else entirely. It is not organised around comfort or intensity, but around truth, responsibility and development. It asks whether a relationship has the capacity to evolve, rather than simply stay comfortable.

This track is an invitation to look more honestly at what’s holding your relationships together, long after the petals have fallen.

Transcript

There's something about Valentine's Day that asks us to focus on how love feels. That sense of being someone's chosen one and the closeness we hope it'll bring. Or simply the reminder of our special investment in each other. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying that. But this reflection is for what comes after. For the moment when the rose petals wilt. When the intensity fades and the relationship settles into something more ordinary. Because that's often the moment people quietly panic and assume something has gone wrong. But what if nothing has gone wrong at all? What if something important is instead being revealed? There's a word I came across from psychoanalytic psychology that most people have never heard but nearly everyone has experienced what it means. The word is cathexis. Cathexis refers to the emotional energy we invest in someone. It's the charge or the pull. Actually, It's our attachment to how they make us feel. Cathexis can feel intoxicating and deeply meaningful. It can feel like love as we know it. But cathexis is not love. Cathexis is organized around emotional regulation. Often fueled by longing or fear of loss or the need to feel chosen. It asks questions like, Are you still there? Do I still matter? Is this safe? Or sometimes, Has something shifted? And over time, Cathexis often produces anxiety and then monitoring. Maybe over-functioning and urgency. An intolerance of distance or personal differences. There's no shame in this. It's very human. But when attachment is doing the job love is meant to do, Relationships start to wobble. Because the relationship becomes responsible for keeping us steady rather than helping us grow. Some writers have argued that love isn't a feeling at all, But a practice that supports growth. That idea has always made sense to me. Because love, In this sense, Isn't organized around intensity or reassurance. It's organized around truth, Responsibility and development. It aims at mutual flourishing, Not emotional regulation. Love asks, Does this relationship help us evolve, Rather than just stay comfortable? That's a very different question from, Does this relationship make me feel good right now? It's deeply counter-cultural, But still true. That a relationship can feel calm and still be loveless. And a relationship can feel uncomfortable, Yet still be loving. Love can include warmth and closeness. But it can also include friction and limits, Disappointment and difference. Because genuine love isn't fragile in the face of discomfort. There's another word that often gets confused with love, And that's care. Care matters, But care isn't the same as love either. You can care about someone deeply. You can care for them tirelessly. In fact, You can be in service to someone for years without actually loving them. Caring for often looks like stepping in and smoothing things over, Buffering consequences, Or doing for someone what they need to learn to do themselves. Protecting them from growth in the name of kindness. And sometimes that is appropriate, But that kind of care can also actively block love. Because it preserves dependency. It maintains imbalance and prioritizes comfort over development. You can still care deeply for someone and still participate in their stagnation. And you can care tirelessly and still avoid the truth. Love doesn't rescue people from growth, But supports them through it. So when the Valentine's Day petals wilt, And the relationship no longer feels romantic or magical, This isn't necessarily a sign of loss. It might be an invitation. An invitation to notice what's actually happening underneath the feeling. Is this relationship organized around emotional regulation? Is it organized around service and caretaking? Or is it organized around truth, Responsibility, And growth? Those are all very different foundations. You can feel deeply attached to someone and still not be loving them. You can care for someone and unintentionally hold them back. Love asks something more demanding and more honest than either attachment or care. It asks whether the relationship has the capacity to evolve rather than need to stay comfortable. And that question matters long after the petals have fallen.