Understanding The Nervous System And Window Of Tolerance

Hello,

Hello,

And welcome to another episode of Overpowering Emotions,

Where I talk all things big emotions,

Emotion regulation,

Resilience.

Anxiety management,

I am talking about trauma still.

And today I'm going to be looking at some of the proactive strategies to help strengthen that nervous system and its flexibility so it can be more,

You know,

More adapted.

Last week,

I talked a lot about trapping that stress and trauma in the body when we have a fight flight.

Reaction,

Right?

If we're not doing anything with that energy,

We're trapping all of that extra energy,

That stress energy.

So this week,

I want to talk more about understanding our own nervous systems.

That's really important for us to know for ourselves,

But for the kiddos in our lives as well and what we can do.

Today,

I'm going to introduce this term about window of tolerance.

I did talk about it a little bit sort of last time,

But I didn't give it its name.

So our window of tolerance,

That's how well we can adapt to any of the stressors in our environment.

So our anxious kiddos,

They've got a smaller window of tolerance.

Than kids who aren't as anxious.

So that means they're more likely to respond with really big reactions to things.

Other things that can cause smaller windows,

Trauma,

Obviously,

Anxiety,

Obviously,

Sensory sensitivities.

If you've got someone living in a chronically stressful environment,

Some of our neurodivergent kiddos like autism and ADHD and OCD,

But with autism and ADHD,

I mean,

Part of the core piece of those diagnoses is difficulties with emotion regulation and executive functioning.

And so you add those on and they show way more rigidities and inflexibility and that's a big piece of this puzzle because you know,

They don't have flexible nervous systems,

And that's what we need to work towards,

Is having a more flexible nervous system.

So those are just examples of what would make it more likely for a kiddo to overreact to,

You know,

A big deal or a little deal in their environment.

So they're either going to go into,

Remember last time I talked about hyper,

That fight-flight response gets triggered,

Or hypo,

Where we go more into the freeze zone.

And then,

Not only are they more likely to react one way or the other,

They actually have a harder time returning back to that set point,

That green zone or that,

You know,

Set point on the thermostat that I used last time.

So,

It just takes them way longer to get back to that set point than kiddos who have a bigger window of tolerance and they're more likely to get triggered again too if they've had to come back.

So,

If they're hyper aroused,

Those are the kiddos.

Remember,

They've got the huge emotional outbursts,

We see lots of anxiety,

Lots of panic,

Lots of overwhelm.

They experience way more cortisol and adrenaline coursing through their bodies because they've just got that activation of fight flight.

And for a lot of them,

It's just ongoing.

So they're more likely to respond to any stressor in their life.

With a huge stress response,

Right?

And if I've done it once,

More likely again in the future,

And in the future,

And again,

And again,

And again,

And way longer to recover from those stressors.

Conversely,

Remember from last time,

If they're hypo aroused,

They go numb.

They might withdraw.

They might isolate.

A lot of kiddos,

They're not even able to talk.

They just start going into that shutdown.

Now,

Kiddos with bigger windows of tolerance,

They can still be engaged and work through things and calm really fast,

Right?

Work through even stressful things and then calm down.

And if you're looking at a kid like,

Oh my goodness,

Why are you freaking out?

That's such a small deal.

I was just doing a workshop a couple of weeks ago and,

You know,

One of the teachers there just with their own kid was like,

But really,

Like,

What if it really is a small deal,

Right?

Like,

Can't they just suck it up?

And I'm like,

But their brain can't tell the difference.

Right?

And so,

If they're having this huge reaction to a really small deal,

It's hard for them,

Right?

And so,

Our reaction,

Well,

It's just a small deal.

Just suck it up.

Just pick yourself up and let's go.

I'll show you what a big deal is.

This isn't it.

That's not going to be helpful,

Right?

And your window of tolerance is way bigger than theirs.

So,

Of course,

To you,

It's a small deal.

So,

We've got to really understand that,

Right?

For them,

It is a big deal.

And so,

We've got to be careful with the language that we're using,

They just don't have as flexible of a nervous system and as big of a window of tolerance as other kiddos who can cope.

So important to remember.

Now,

We can all work on expanding our window.

It's not set in stone.

So that's important.

That's why we're listening.

Right.

And that's why I'm going to be talking about that.

And so resetting our nervous system or training the amygdala to not be so trigger happy and causing panic all the time.

So going into the basics,

Of course,

Maslow's hierarchy of needs,

We need to make sure we're getting good sleep.

We're having good nutrition,

Right?

Our physical body is doing okay.

If any of those things aren't stabilized,

It's going to be way harder to do any of the other work that we do.

So that's something that's really important for us to remember.

We have to be aware of our triggers too,

Right?

So we're going to be learning skills to help us respond in helpful ways when those triggers do come up.

And so a lot of that comes from things like mindfulness and acceptance.

We've got to build our emotional literacy.

We're going to be integrating that with somatic practices.

That's really important.

So being able to identify how am I feeling?

Where am I feeling that in the body?

What does it feel like?

All of those pieces that I talk about.

So mindfulness is really important as well,

Which I will be talking about again,

But I just want to make sure we talk about that.

That awareness is the first piece.

We can't just teach mindfulness and then expect them to go out there and do whatever it is that they need to do.

We need to actually be aware.

When would I need to?

First build the skills of mindfulness,

But then know what my nervous system needs at a given time.

And so that's going to be really important.

And if there's trauma,

You know,

That's been part of a kiddo's experience and it hasn't been resolved,

Well,

It's gonna be important to process through that and work through that as well,

Right?

And so that's part of everything that we're gonna be doing this.

Now,

A big piece of knowing our window of tolerance and then when we start getting over or under a row so that we can up or down regulate as needed is gonna be important just having that,

Okay?

But I wanna be really careful with this because a lot of times,

And we're trying to build that awareness.

This is why I don't really like the zones of regulation,

Right?

Because I think,

I like the idea of it,

But I think sometimes how we set it up can be really problematic.

So if you've got a kiddo who's like,

I'm in green,

Right?

They associate red or yellow or even blue as bad.

And so they're always,

It doesn't matter how angry or dysregulated,

I'm in green,

Right?

And we don't want that.

Or conversely,

We've got kiddos who always admit that they're in red.

For whatever reason,

There could be lots of different reasons,

But they're always saying they're red,

They're just never saying that they're in green.

We don't want that.

We really want them to know exactly where they are.

Now,

Just so you know,

If they are getting too hyper or hypo aroused,

Their prefrontal cortex is offline,

They're not going to be able to identify where they are.

So us getting in their faces,

Being like,

Where are you in the zones?

Not helpful at all.

Their rational thinking brain is not online.

That's why we need to give them space to process things.

We want to catch them when they're going from green into the yellow,

Right?

When they're getting hypo,

We need to be aware of where that point is before they escalate or get too hypo aroused.

So that's where the awareness is.

It's not what it looks like when their prefrontal cortex is already offline,

When the Wi-Fi is offline.

And even in dorsal,

All of these places,

We need these things.

In dorsal,

We need to be in dorsal part of the time.

That's where our body literally digests and repairs itself.

That's why it's called rest and digest.

It's not just freeze.

We actually have to go there.

So it's not about good and bad.

You know,

We need to help kiddos understand that and reinforce,

Not whether or not they're in green,

If that's the language that we're using.

I just like being ventral,

Right,

When we are in that calm state.

It's not about reinforcing them staying there because we need the other places,

But it's about reinforcing accuracy,

The self-awareness.

That's really important.

So getting away from good and bad.

What's being helpful or not based on what I need right now?

Right.

That's really important.

Doing relaxation strategy when I'm hypo aroused,

I'm becoming immobilized.

That's not going to help me.

That's just going to quicken up the immobilization.

So relaxation wouldn't make sense then.

Right.

And so we would think relaxation.

Oh,

That's a good strategy.

We should all do relaxation.

Well,

No,

Not if that's not what your nervous system needs right now.

If it's already hypo aroused,

You need to pick up that tension.

Right.

You need to pick up that blood pressure.

And same thing with fight flight.

It's not always a bad thing.

I love fight flight when it kicks in,

Especially when I'm doing traveling and I'm doing workshops and I'm presenting for two or three or four days at a time.

I welcome that energy.

I need that energy,

Right?

So it's being able to embrace it and accept it when it comes.

If we're just trying to get rid of it,

That's a problem because we're just going to stress ourselves out more and we're teaching ourselves like that's where we get into the shame and guilt.

Like what's wrong with me if I'm always feeling stressed?

Okay,

So it's not about good or bad,

It's about what do I need right now?

If I'm going into immobilization when I'm about to present,

That's going to be a problem.

I'm going to fall asleep.

I'm not going to be very effective.

I need that energy.

But we can help ourselves restabilize after we've had that stress.

So if I was staying at that,

Traveling every day and working at my system every single day,

Now that's going to be a problem.

Now,

One of the key things that we do in polyvagal theory is map our nervous system.

And so this is part of raising our awareness.

So we get in touch with what's going on for us.

Everyone's different.

So it's going to look different for everyone.

And in all my work where I'm constantly talking about dropping into the body,

This is a key piece of that.

Right.

And I know not everyone follows through with homework,

Regularly practicing the body and seeing what their body is doing.

But this is what we need to do to build the skills.

We have to stay present.

We have to see where are,

What's our body doing,

And what do we need now before it's too late,

Before our Wi-Fi goes offline.

Okay,

So I'm always talking about setting up experiments.

Let's play detective.

You're going to collect some data.

This way,

When we're getting curious,

We're keeping our prefrontal cortex online,

Right?

It helps our kiddos or teens and even our adults stay engaged.

We do have to track some data,

Which I always get a lot of groans from my ADHD kiddos and a lot of my adults,

But we can make it easy right?

We can,

Especially with kids,

Just really make it.

We're setting up this science experiment.

You are playing detective.

Whatever we can do to make that really helpful.

And so,

I've got lots of examples of what hyper and hypo arousal looks like,

And then what it sounds like,

You know,

Some of those conspiracy stories.

If it's conspiracy,

Sometimes it's pictures,

What it feels like in our body,

What it looks like in our body,

In our body postures or in our behaviors.

And so being able to map all of that is really important.

And with kids,

I really tie all of this to henchmen.

So we're still externalizing.

Everything that I talk about in my anxiety compasses is relatable here,

Right?

And so we want to make sure that we still externalize this so they don't revert back to,

It's bad if I'm hyper aroused,

Right?

And there's something wrong with me and I'm bad.

We don't want that to happen.

So I actually,

As part of this detective work,

We're actually gonna identify which henchmen this is.

So maybe it's bored Bob or freaking out Fran,

Right?

So even boredom is enough to start stressing out that brain.

And so who is showing up?

What's happening when they show up in our body,

In our brain,

In our behaviors,

In our body postures,

All of those kinds of things,

Okay?

So we want to identify when they show up,

But what also triggers bored Bob or freaking out Fran?

What triggers them to show up in the first place?

Maybe it's boring work,

Right?

Maybe it's something that's going to take me away from the video game that I wanted to do.

Or maybe the freaking out Fran comes every time I've got a sibling who starts humming or making annoying So we want to identify some of those triggers so we can get on O-Fens.

When we're reacting,

It's way harder to do anything.

And then we're going to gather some information,

What helps us calm down,

What helps us stay regulated,

Right?

And we can start doing things.

And I would start with things that are already working or things that they already enjoy doing.

I wouldn't allow screens to be part of that though,

Because screens are not restorative for the nervous system and it can actually increase our cortisol.

So I just want to make sure that we're going to give them things that they enjoy just so long as it's not the screen.

Being outside is a really good one.

Nature,

Listening to birds,

I'll be talking about that again.

Physical activity,

Using up some of that energy,

All of those things are good.

I will be getting into some of those strategies specifically,

But just a couple of mentions there.

So much about how adults can respond in helpful ways to help kids stay regulated.

This is so,

So critical.

We're not doing anyone any good if we're harping them or lecturing them or punishing them or telling them to calm down or whatever it is that we're doing or trying to get them to just breathe,

Especially once they are so escalated that,

You know,

The Wi-Fi is gone.

So,

I think that that's important.

On a side note,

I do just want to say,

I talk about this hyper and hypo arousal.

A lot of ADHDers actually struggle with hypo arousal.

We would think in our head,

It's all of the big energy and the big emotional outbursts,

But A lot of them go into the hypo-arousal when they have to do anything boring,

Right?

Anything that's involving executive functioning,

Working memory,

Remembering to do their homework or remembering to do their chores with three-step instructions,

Right?

They're actually going into that hypo-arousal.

And then guess what?

We adults usually get so frustrated with them.

It's around homework and chores and remembering to do the things that they need to do,

The tasks.

And so we might not see the stress response of shutting down if they go into that faux regulation that I've talked about.

So it looks like they're still engaging.

It doesn't look like they're stressed out,

But if their brain is shutting down,

And oftentimes that's what's happening,

Especially at the end of the day,

If they're on medications and their medications are wearing off,

Right?

So getting frustrated isn't helpful at all.

Calling them lazy and unmotivated and they need to pull up their socks,

Not helpful at all.

So our responses,

That's just a huge key piece in helping our kiddos strengthen a healthy nervous system.

And so I would say,

I don't even wanna work on their nervous system yet if we aren't helping create an environment where the adults are able to respond to them in helpful ways,

In their own calming,

Regulating,

Safe ways.

Because if we're expecting kiddos to do strategies and then they're being dysregulated by the ineffective responses that adults are doing,

They're just gonna feel more guilt and more shame and more hopelessness because it's like,

I tried the strategies and they didn't work.

Well,

Yeah,

It's because we threw you back into a pot of boiling water.

So it doesn't matter how much you breathe,

It's gonna burn,

Right?

So that's why I'm always focusing so much on in all of my workshops,

Even like my behavior workshops.

Yeah,

I do talk about behavior strategies,

But I spend most of them about how we connect,

How we create that safety,

How we respond effectively,

That's so important.

Now,

I don't want to get too very technical,

But we can sort of measure how flexible our nervous systems are.

And that can be part of the detective work if you want.

It's kind of interesting.

We do not have to.

Not everyone's going to have access to devices.

But if you are able to,

I just want to explain that a little bit because I think it can be really helpful.

So looking at our heart rate variability.

So that heart rate variability,

It shows our connection between the body and the brain and how the two can really influence each other.

And that connection is the vagus nerve,

Which I've been talking about,

Right?

So we can actually start to measure these things to see how flexible a kiddo is.

Now,

In saying that,

I can't say your heart rate variability has to be 800 milliseconds per beat.

I can't say that because everybody's going to be different.

And so it's going to be understanding what our own is and how we can make it more flexible.

So heart rate variability,

That's really how much variance there is in the length of our So in between our heartbeats,

What's that timing in milliseconds,

Okay?

So if we have a high heart rate variability,

So HRV,

We have a really flexible,

A really adaptable nervous system.

That's what we want.

We can handle our day-to-day demands.

Lower variability in our HVR,

RV,

I'm already mixing it up.

So lower heart rate variability.

They're not as flexible.

They can't adapt as quickly.

Whatever demands are coming,

Emotional reaction.

Everything is a big deal.

And we're going to experience way more stress.

So those kiddos with low heart rate variability,

They're the ones more likely to have anxiety.

PTSD,

Depression.

I would say,

Too,

Our neurodivergent kiddos,

ADHD and autism,

Likely have a much lower heart rate variability.

And then,

Of course,

We're going to experience more chronic health conditions,

Chronic pain,

Chronic fatigue,

Heart disease,

Diabetes,

All of those kinds of things.

OK,

Now I just want to make sure I don't confuse anyone because you're like,

Is it low heart rate?

Really good.

OK,

Low heart rate.

Yes.

Low heart rate is good.

We are healthy when we have a low heart rate.

Our heart rate is how many times our heart beats in a minute.

We can count every heartbeat.

That's easy.

We can just do it right now for a minute.

How many heartbeats?

Happen in a minute,

Okay?

That's our heart rate.

But that's different from what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about heart rate variability,

Okay?

We're adding that V to the HR.

So with heart rate variability,

The higher,

The better,

Okay?

So heart rate,

The lower,

The better.

But with variability,

We want it higher.

It's better for our physical health,

Our emotional,

Psychological health.

If it's high,

We can see our heart is able to adapt to stressors really well.

Okay,

So the best way really to measure your HVR HRV,

I'm going to mix it up.

It's to use a device that can measure it.

So like a smartwatch or a Fitbit or something like that,

Some sort of heart monitor in milliseconds.

And I'm going to be talking about some of those ideas of how we can change our vagal tone.

So just increasing our flexibility of our nervous system.

But right now,

Before we get into that,

I'll do that next week because I,

Again,

I'm trying to condense how much information that I'm giving you.

Get a baseline now of that HRV heart rate variability for your kiddo or for yourself.

And you're going to monitor it to see your progress just for now.

We're just going to get a baseline.

But once we start doing things,

Next week,

I'll talk about those things that we can do to increase that heart rate variability.

But if you don't have something,

Like I said,

To track it,

It's okay.

It's not a critical piece.

It's more for our own curiosity.

It's more for kids being able to track their progress,

To see if they're making a difference,

If what we're doing is making a difference,

But it's okay if we're not as well.

We'll see it over time too,

Just behaviors and how they're able to cope with things.

I know we all know about it,

But I think that one of the best ways to improve our kiddos nervous system and our flexibility and that heart rate variability is through lifestyle.

But I'm going to leave it there for today.

We're going to just think about this heart rate variability.

It's different from our heart rate,

Of course,

And start looking at getting that baseline so that next week,

If you are going to track,

We can start actually implementing things to help us out.

So enjoy the rest of your day.

Go help those kiddos be bold and courageous and I will see you next week.