Dear Diary,
Today would have been twenty years.
With everything that is currently going on in my life,
I sit here in somber amazement at the realization that had I remained married today,
September 3rd,
2026,
Would have been our 20th anniversary.
20 years of laughter,
Happiness,
Tears,
Success,
Failure,
Holidays,
And memories,
Among so much more.
Instead,
The five years we were married were stricken with fear,
Physical and emotional injury,
Endless screaming,
Belittling,
Humiliation,
And permanent unseen scars.
In the years since leaving,
I have spent countless hours and overwhelming energy to remain safe and to avoid all contact with that person I once loved.
How did I get here?
I have asked myself this too many times to count.
How could I have fallen for this person who I have now come to clearly see is incapable of loving,
At least in a healthy way?
I've yet to find my answer.
I used to believe that what caused our marriage to fail might be our 22 year age gap,
Or was it that I wasn't really ready for a serious relationship?
Maybe we didn't have enough in common.
Maybe that person wasn't really ready to enter into a second marriage yet.
I could spend hours considering all the possibilities,
And I have.
But in the end,
The cause really doesn't matter.
What matters is that I recognized that I needed to leave,
That my situation was not a healthy one,
And that being with the wrong person is actually worse than not being in a relationship.
The hurt inside that no one sees has yet to heal.
I realize it may never fully heal.
Trust is a fragile thing.
When it's been misused,
Especially in such a traumatizing way.
Sometimes the version of yourself that you were fades and a different version emerges.
What seems so difficult for many to understand is how a survivor of domestic violence can be so reflective on a day that would have been an anniversary,
Especially when it's been over 10 years since you've been out of that relationship.
What needs to be understood is that like the passing of a loved one,
When a marriage ends,
There is a grieving process that turns into a memory of what was.
Even if that marriage was harmful,
It's still part of who you are,
As painful as that may be to admit.
You took vows,
You made a hopefully sincere promise,
And that promise wasn't honored.
So now that you've come to this point,
What's next?
That is a question every survivor must answer for themselves.
Every path in life is different,
Just like every situation of domestic violence is different.
For me,
I engage in regular therapy.
Coping skills,
And have a stable support system.
Does this mean I'm healed and living the life I want?
It means that every day I wake up and wait for divine guidance to show me my what's next.
It means waking up every day with the knowing that I am not who I once was and learning what that means and how to navigate it.
Will I marry again?
I have no plans to at this time.
Am I open to dating?
Oh,
I just don't know.
I am not even at small steps,
But rather baby steps forward,
Even though it's been a decade since parting ways.
In my defense,
Therapy came late in my healing process.
It wasn't until I was chatting with someone online that I learned that people who have never served in the military can suffer from PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder.
This was eye-opening to me.
Once diagnosed properly with PTSD,
Among a few other things,
I was put on the path to a slow but steady healing process.
As part of my healing process,
I felt inspired to share this very personal and detailed part of my life after watching a video by Nathan Rollinson.
Thank you for sharing your story so I could share mine.
You made it possible to see beyond the fear of what others might say,
As I had never shared a detailed version of my story in a public way online before.
It amazes me that I am still learning about my triggers and what my triggers are.
The oddest things have a way of reminding me about my abuse,
And in some cases,
My survival.
I have honestly never been this open about my story,
And there are still many details that I haven't shared yet.
Will I share more?
Possibly.
It's more difficult to share on an anniversary or what would have been.
But maybe that's when one can be most honest and open.
Just because you're already in a reflective mindset.
I just hope my honesty and ever-expanding vulnerability will make a difference,
At least to one person out there.
The phrase,
You're not alone,
Is used a lot.
But I've come to realize how true it is.
There is always at least one soul out there ready to offer support.
So on what would have been my 20th wedding anniversary,
I find myself feeling mixed emotions.
I am grateful to have survived,
And while recognizing I still have a long way to go on the path to healing,
I know I am not alone,
And that is a great comfort to me.
May the remainder of this healing journey Mine,
And maybe yours.
However long it is,
Be one that is filled with kind,
Compassionate,
And patient souls.
And may I and you.
Find our most authentic selves at the end of this roller coaster of life.
Thank you for listening and love and light to all.
