Loneliness In Leadership

For visionary leaders, entrepreneurs, and change-makers who sometimes feel lonely in their work and in life. In this podcast episode, Alara Sage discusses the truth beneath this emotion and how to shift it.

Transcript

Welcome to the Sacred Sadist Podcast,

Where power is refined,

Impact sharpens,

And leaders move from success that contains to ecstatic legacy.

Hello and welcome.

I'm your host,

Alara Sage.

And this is our very first episode is the rebrand,

The Sacred Sadist.

I'm ecstatic for you to be here with me today.

As leaders,

We often experience the feeling of loneliness.

And it doesn't matter whether you are leading your team,

Hosting a room,

Whether you're surrounded,

Literally,

By people in your physical presence,

Or if you are actually alone in your office.

Loneliness can be felt and experienced in any moment.

I want to address,

I want to dive into where this loneliness is really coming from,

What it is actually trying to tell you,

To show you,

To teach you.

The shadow of loneliness that inherently desires to liberate you into joy,

Intimacy,

And of course,

My favorite,

Ecstasy.

Today,

As I record,

It is Christmas Eve.

And I have shared parenting with my two boys.

And for really,

I don't even know how many years,

The oldest is going on 13 and the youngest is going on 11.

I've had them on Christmas Day.

But today,

They left early in the morning,

Christmas Eve.

And I was immediately walled,

Immediately struck with the feeling of loneliness.

Now we can logically explain,

Well,

Your kids just left,

You were actually in the house by yourself.

It's the holidays.

There's lots of reasons that we can give ourselves that loneliness exists.

But as I already pointed out,

And I'm very sure that you have experienced,

Loneliness doesn't play by these rules.

So here I was,

Feeling that drop,

Where your heart feels like it's on the floor,

Almost as if you're dragging it around all of a sudden,

As a lead weight,

As a ball and chain,

Instead of a ray of sunshine.

The house was very quiet.

My own presence blaring.

And my mind said,

Well,

Let's read something.

Let's turn something on.

Let's do something.

Because our mind wants to protect us.

Our mind wants to protect us from those feelings.

And even deeper,

From the belief that those feelings are really pointing to.

Because every single emotion points to a belief.

So again,

Yes,

I could have logically explained my loneliness,

Shoved it down,

And simply occupied my awareness so that I didn't have to feel it.

But I wouldn't be the sacred sadist if I did that.

No,

Instead,

I moved towards the pain.

Because I know the great value that pain,

The discomfort,

The edge,

Always holds for us.

So I paused and I breathed into the presence of the moment,

This utterly still,

Quiet spaciousness.

And of course,

When you do that,

The emotions don't go away,

They intensify.

Ah,

Yes,

The intensity of emotion.

It wants to convince you that it's going to consume you.

It wants to convince you that somehow,

Whatever that emotion is,

It's defining you.

That if you feel that loneliness,

Well,

That means you're a lonely person.

And if you're a lonely person,

Society says there must be something wrong with you.

But that's not what loneliness means.

Loneliness means whatever you have given it meaning.

That's it.

And the feeling of loneliness is simply that.

It's a feeling,

It's a sensation,

Something that will pass at some point or another.

As we all know,

Even the heaviest of experiences like grief,

Loss of a loved one,

While they are roller coasters and very intense,

They do soften and through time,

Shift.

But again,

I don't just allow time to dictate what state of being I am in.

I am always seeking my self-empowerment.

So as I breathed into the moment and I relished in the all of a sudden very uncomfortable feeling of loneliness,

I allowed the curiosity of self to explore what is my belief around this loneliness.

Because there's going to be two primary beliefs that loneliness is pointing to us.

The first one is that you are not present to the experience.

So let's say you are in a party or surrounded by people.

People who love you are complete strangers,

Either one.

You're not actually physically alone in whatever circumstance that is.

And yet you feel that loneliness.

What that's saying to you is right now in this moment,

You believe something about this moment that is causing you to not be fully present to it.

You desire the moment to be different.

It's that simple.

You desire the moment to be different.

It's kind of like the feelings when you either consciously or unconsciously create expectation,

Right?

Christmas,

Which ironically we're talking about today,

Can create a lot of that.

Any type of holiday or event,

Or I definitely experienced this for many years with birthdays,

Right?

Like,

Oh,

My birthday's coming or Christmas is coming or something fun is coming.

Something's coming that you've been anticipating,

Even in business and entrepreneurship.

You know,

A launch or a reveal or a collaboration,

Right?

Any of those types of experiences where you have been working on it and it's coming and you're reaching that time and then it hits and your heart drops.

Once again,

That ball and chain,

That lead weight.

And oftentimes we don't understand this,

Right?

Because it's like it was the thing that we've been anticipating.

Why does it feel so empty?

Why does it feel so lonely?

And it's the same reason as somewhere inside of us,

We created some sort of expectation of what we were going to experience or what we were going to feel or what was going to happen.

And when that didn't happen,

We are in a state of not presence to what actually is occurring,

Right?

We are caught in the perceived reality that we didn't create.

And that is disconnection from the moment,

A lack of presence.

And it causes that emptiness.

It causes that loneliness.

Because even if the experience turned out radically different than what you had hoped or anticipated or desired to create,

You can feel ecstasy,

You can feel joy,

You can feel fulfillment,

You can feel all of the feelings if you give yourself permission to be fully present to what is rather than what you expected to create.

So that's number one.

Number one is that you are not fully present to the moment.

You are desiring the moment to be something other than it actually is,

Whatever that may be.

Number two is that you are not connected to yourself.

So if you're present to the moment,

But you are not fully connected to yourself,

You are judging yourself,

Criticizing yourself.

You're wanting yourself to have,

In this very moment,

Shown up differently,

Acted differently,

Behaved differently.

Something within yourself will also create that loneliness.

So perhaps now you are seeing how loneliness has nothing to do with how many people are around us,

And even doesn't really have anything to do with our connection to other people.

Loneliness has everything to do with our availability to the present moment.

So taking you back to my story,

Because I was by myself,

And my partner was working,

My boys were gone.

So I did desire the moment to be different.

I desired to spend Christmas with my boys.

I get to spend Christmas with my partner,

But not my boys.

And so in that moment when I breathed,

And I just felt the loneliness,

And I recognized that desire,

And I recognized the current moment,

The reality,

My current experience of not having that.

And I just let those two exist simultaneously.

This is the power of presence.

I didn't have to change anything.

I just allowed the truth that they can coexist.

That I can be fully present to the moment of my boys not being here for Christmas,

While I simultaneously hold the desire that they were here for Christmas.

And what ensued from that presence and that availability,

And truly that acceptance,

Was a state of joy.

Not because I was trying to make myself happy.

Not because I was picking up a glass of wine,

Chugging away my sorrows,

Turning on the music,

And attempting to dance myself into aliveness.

Not because I immediately grabbed my jacket and left.

Not because I poured myself into work and distracted my mind.

Not because I avoided it,

Numbed it,

Tried to change it.

But only because I loved it.

I accepted it.

I allowed it to be what it was.

And it shifted.

This is the power of presence and feeling and shadow and love.

And as I just sat there and I breathed,

The energy shifted in my body.

I shifted.

Once again,

That lead weight picked back up.

And my loneliness,

The fact,

The actual truth that I was alone,

Didn't feel lonely anymore.

I am a person who adores my alone time,

As most leaders do.

And yet,

Of course,

We can still desire to be around other people,

Especially those that we love.

But in that moment when I let it all both exist simultaneously,

I step back into my power.

And the powerful version of me that loves being alone.

So next time you feel this loneliness,

Whether you are surrounded by people or truly by yourself,

Ask yourself this.

Am I desiring my current experience to be different?

And if so,

Can I hold the desire for that difference,

Whatever that is,

And simultaneously what I'm actually experiencing?

Or two,

If it isn't number one,

Am I judging myself?

Is there something that I am criticizing or perceiving about myself in this moment that's causing the disconnection and thus the feeling of loneliness?

And can I,

Right now,

Forgive myself?

One of the greatest ways to forgive yourself is the Hono Pono prayer.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

You can say that to yourself.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

And breathe into your body and let the prayer be present.

Let the apology,

Let the love be present while maybe you're still feeling the judgment.

Maybe you're still feeling the anger towards yourself or the unworthiness or the shame.

Because these emotions are not separate.

And where emotions that are seemingly separate,

Like love and judgment of self,

Love towards self and judgment towards self,

Where we hold both of them,

That is where we truly connect into intimacy of ourselves,

Of our reality,

Of our life.

That's where we really step into creative consciousness and ultimately ecstasy.

My favorite state of being.

So,

I hope this helps you if you are feeling loneliness this holiday season or you experience loneliness just regularly in your life as a leader.

As always,

I'm so grateful for you being here with me today.

Until next time,

Much love.