Compassion For Yourself & Others (Talk & Meditation)

This talk will begin with stories of compassion, define compassion, highlight the science behind it, and end with a 20-minute compassion meditation. You'll be invited to notice your suffering or the suffering of others, and give a caring response. We learn the compassionate response to pain with repeated practice, over time. Feel free to return to this practice to awaken this natural caring of your heart and make it more accessible at times of need.

Transcript

This was one of the topics that came up recently as a request.

So tonight we're going to be exploring compassion,

And then we're going to do two practices that we've never done before.

So I want to start with this funny story that Tara Brack has shared a few times in different talks.

So apparently one day this woman describes that this old and tired looking dog comes to her house,

Into her yard,

Into her backyard,

And walks.

Apparently the door is open so the dog walks in,

Kind of comes into the living room,

Gets up on the couch,

And just sits down on the couch.

And this dog has a collar but no tag,

So it looks like someone's dog,

But she doesn't know who's.

And the dog just takes a nap,

And she lets the dog take a nap,

Like about an hour.

And an hour later the dog gets up and leaves and just exits the way it came.

And then the next day the dog comes back around the same time in the afternoon,

So just enters in,

Goes into the living room,

Gets up on the couch,

Just lays down,

Again takes an hour nap,

And then wakes up and gets up and leaves.

And the third day this happens again.

So as the dog is leaving,

The woman just attaches a note to the color of the dog saying,

Hi,

I don't know who you are,

But just so you know your dog comes here every afternoon and takes an hour-long nap,

I'm just letting you know in case this is not okay for you.

And the dog goes away,

And then the next day the dog around the same time comes back again and has a note attached to its color.

And so the note says,

Yes,

This dog lives in a home with three children,

So he's just trying to catch up on his sleep.

May I come with him tomorrow?

So I love this story because I do think it's a nice and funny and cute way of looking at compassion,

Which is basically just an understanding of our core needs or what it's like to be in the human body,

What it's like to be in a dog body,

You know,

Even though we're not dogs.

We can have this kind of resonating heart for the difficulties we kind of share,

All of us.

And I want to follow up with another story.

So it's from this book that I'm currently reading by Toni Bernhard.

It's called How to be Sick,

A Buddhist-inspired guide for the chronically ill and their caregivers.

So she has a chronic sickness her entire life.

She's spending most of her life in bed,

And she talks about how mindfulness has helped her.

So it's a really wonderful book.

There's a chapter about compassion,

And there's one section that really spoke to me the other day as I was reading it.

And she describes how she uses compassion or loving kindness,

I think she's going to talk about here,

But how she uses it to kind of feel better about Sarah Palin.

So she's American.

Now,

You might not know Sarah Palin,

But Sarah Palin in the 2008 presidential campaign was one of the people campaigning for presidency in the US.

So as you listen to this section,

Just switch Sarah Palin with any politician you don't like somewhere in the world,

Either in France or in another country.

So just replace the words Sarah Palin with a politician that you don't like.

So she says,

During the 2008 presidential campaign,

Sarah Palin became a good example of a person who bothered me,

Who could also become an object of my loving kindness.

I've been politically active all my life.

And so I was involved in the election campaigns.

I didn't like Sarah Palin's political positions.

I didn't like her lack of humidity.

When asked about her reaction to being picked as vice presidential nominee,

I soon realized that the anger I was directing at her had become such a source of stress that I was feeling it physically in my already sick body.

So I did what I've done many times in the past with people to whom I'm feeling strong aversion.

I went straight to my loving kindness phrases.

First,

Recognizing that my reaction to her,

I don't like this about her,

I don't like that about her,

Was a great source of suffering for me,

I began directing loving kindness to myself.

May I be free from the suffering that my aversion to Sarah Palin gives rise to?

And then I turned to her.

Sarah Palin,

May you be peaceful,

May you have ease of well-being,

May you reach the end of suffering and be free.

And as is often the case when I direct loving kindness to difficult people in my life,

At first the phrases felt artificial and fake.

Then I realized I'd shifted to Sarah Palin,

May you be peaceful,

May you have ease of well-being,

May you reach the end of suffering and be free by seeing the error of your ways and becoming a completely different human being.

So this is of course not exactly what the Buddha had in mind as a loving kindness practice,

But as I was trained to do,

I persisted.

Soon,

I was able to be free from the suffering of my children.

Not only did the phrases become genuine,

But I began to see in her qualities that we share.

She loves her children,

She wishes the best for them and hopes they'll be happy.

She clings to her political views as tenaciously as I cling to mine.

Soon it felt like a poison had been extracted from my body,

My mind and heart,

And loving kindness was a antidote.

Sarah Palin didn't get my vote,

But she no longer got my rage,

And I was freed from the painful negative mental state that was exacerbating my own physical symptoms.

I found this story really powerful.

I'm not sure,

For example,

That I would be able to practice with Erdogan in Turkey,

Because I think I have probably too much suffering there.

I'm not sure I would even be within my window of tolerance,

But any other politician that I don't feel very aligned with,

I do have this very strong rage or aversion or frustration sometimes.

It's very interesting to think about how to bring this concept of common humanity.

They do have children they love.

They also want to have a peaceful and happy and honorable life and so on and so forth,

And to kind of open our hearts up to the suffering in the other,

Even when the other is a difficult person.

And something I talked about in the course was this difference between sympathy,

Empathy,

And compassion.

So,

I want to remind it one more time.

So,

Sympathy is whenever we understand,

Maybe intellectually,

That someone is not in a great position,

They're having some struggles.

Empathy is our ability,

It's a natural ability we all have to take the perspective of the other person,

To kind of feel the pain as if it was happening to us.

And then the compassion is basically a choice we make.

It's the choice we make to suffer together,

To be in that pain and suffering together,

And to have the wish to relieve the suffering,

Even though you're not going to maybe do anything to relieve the suffering,

To have that genuine wish that it wasn't there.

And compassion by researchers is considered to be an evolutionary strategy of humans,

A key strategy in the way we evolve as humans,

Because it is what enables us to act without self-interest,

Which is not always,

Sometimes,

Or often,

Humans act with self-interest.

But in those moments when we act without self-interest,

One of the key ingredients there is compassion,

Is our ability to understand and be suffering with the other people.

And apparently,

Some research that's done on the brain shows that when we are acting compassionately,

Or when we are feeling compassion,

The part of the brain where we have the interpersonal relationships managed,

It lights up,

It's active,

And there's an oxytocin flow in the body.

Oxytocin is what's called the lull hormone or the cuddling hormone.

So it's released when people snuggle up and bond socially.

And what's interesting is apparently pleasure centers in the brain also light up.

So we know scientifically,

But I think we know this intuitively too,

When we feel compassion,

When we do something out of compassion,

It feels good.

So this is how it's like basically evolutionary,

We are prone to be compassionate toward other people and toward ourselves.

And sometimes we get disconnected from that,

But it's a natural tendency and biological ability we all have.

There is this understanding of in compassion.

So I said there is the suffering together and the genuine wish to alleviate the suffering.

And then what was apparent in the Sarah Piglin story for me,

The third component is the common humanity.

And Tara Bragg often calls when we don't have that common humanity understanding,

She gives a name to that,

That I find really powerful,

Which is the unreal other.

It's those moments when people kind of become unreal to us as if they're not real,

As if they're not human.

And those are moments when we might look at someone and we might be in this mindset of one of three things could be happening.

How can I get them to do something I want them to do?

How can I get something out of them?

Or there might be a pushing away of not wanting them to be there or there might be just a block,

Like we might not be aware that there is a person there.

We might not be very aware of them.

So those might be some ways in which we make the other person unreal,

The unreal other.

And actually cultivating compassion towards other people is a sense of cultivating realness.

So when we connect to compassion is the moment when we start to have the understanding that they are human too.

There's a common humanity there.

And for that I want to read a poem by Warsan Shire.

So she says,

They set my aunt's house on fire.

I cried the way woman on TV do,

Folding at the middle like a five pound note.

I called the boy who used to love me,

Tried to okay my voice.

I said,

Hello.

He said,

Warsan,

What's wrong?

What's happened?

I've been praying and these are what my prayers look like.

Dear God,

I come from two countries.

One is thirsty,

The other is on fire,

And both need water.

Later that night,

I held an atlas in my lap,

Ran my fingers across the whole world and whispered,

Where does it hurt?

It answered,

Everywhere,

Everywhere,

Everywhere.

So compassion is this understanding that it kind of hurts everywhere.

It doesn't just hurt in us or the people close to us or in Paris,

France,

But there is suffering in the world and kind of hurts everywhere.

So I want to before I'm going to say a few more words,

But I want to do an exercise together first.

So for this exercise,

Just sitting in a way where you feel centered and present,

You might close your eyes or lower your gaze for a few moments and find a relaxed and kind presence in your body.

Connecting to your anchor,

Connecting to your breath,

Maybe that helps you find this kind presence.

And when you are ready,

Maybe you can just bring to mind a friend,

A colleague,

Or a neutral person.

No one difficult,

Imagining that you're looking at a friend,

A colleague,

A mentor,

Or maybe a neutral person.

And I'm just going to repeat some phrases.

I'm just going to say out loud some phrases.

And the invitation is,

Each time I say a phrase,

I will pause.

In that pause,

I'm inviting you to whisper this phrase to yourself or to contemplate on it.

So I'm starting.

This person has a body and a mind just like me.

This person has feelings,

Emotions,

And thoughts just like me.

This person has in his or her life experienced physical and emotional pain and suffering just like me.

This person has at some point been sad,

Disappointed,

Angry,

Or hurt just like me.

This person has felt unworthy or inadequate just like me.

This person worries and is frightened sometimes just like me.

This person has longed for friendship just like me.

This person is learning about life just like me.

This person wants to be caring and kind to others just like me.

This person wants to be content with what life has given just like me.

This person wishes to be happy just like me.

And this person wishes to be loved just like me.

Now I invite you to kind of sense how you're feeling and what has arisen for you.

And we'll take a minute here to kind of send some good wishes of well-being to this person that you're imagining.

So you can just listen to these wishes and send these wishes that come to you.

For example,

You can say,

I wish that this person will have the strength,

Resources,

And the support necessary to navigate the difficulties of life.

I wish that this person will be free from pain and suffering.

I wish that this person will be peaceful and happy.

I wish that they will be happy,

That they will be loved,

Because this person is a fellow human being just like me.

So taking another moment here,

Sending whatever other wishes you would like to send.

So I really like this exercise to show that this is what compassion is,

This understanding that the people we are standing across from or sitting across from or imagining are just human bodies.

I want to say,

So we're going to do another meditation in a second.

I want to talk a little bit about the challenges or the difficulties that people often find with compassion.

I think there's often a spectrum,

So you might be finding yourself on one end where you cannot really feel compassion for some people,

Or maybe you don't feel a lot of compassion,

Or you're feeling too much compassion,

Maybe a sense of I'm connected too much to the suffering in the world.

So if you're on this side of I cannot feel compassion or I can't access compassion either in general or with a certain relationship,

Then there is an invitation there to kind of turn to yourself and to be compassionate toward yourself.

So that's the moment actually to practice self-compassion and to kind of notice that this is difficult for you and to remember that it's an intention.

We're not producing compassion,

We're not manufacturing compassion.

We can just be intentional about it,

We can set an intention for it,

But we cannot force it to be there.

And whatever is happening in that moment for you that you can't access compassion for the other person,

Just give that compassion to yourself.

So saying something like,

May I find freedom and ease in this relationship,

May I be held with compassion,

May I be held with love.

Because we cannot skip over that self-compassion and jump to the compassion for the other person.

We first have to be resourced ourselves in order to be able to extend it to other people.

And if you're on this side and you feel too much compassion,

You're feeling all of the suffering of the world at once,

The guidance there is to breathe and to remember that you are not holding on to the suffering.

If you remember something we practiced in the course was compassionate breathing.

This is a practice where you breathe in the suffering of yourself or another person,

But then you breathe it out,

So you release it.

And as you release your breath,

You send them good wishes.

So that's the core idea is that if you are feeling too much suffering,

It could be because we're not letting it go,

We're not releasing.

And one other thing that can help maybe is to let that suffering be held,

Not by you,

But by something larger than you.

So this can be just space,

It can be whatever speaks to you,

But remembrance of the fact that you alone are not the holder of all of the pains in the world.

Tara Brack has a good quote on this.

She says,

Anchor yourself in resources of a larger space that's holding all of it.

So for some,

It's that great sky that has room for all the different weather systems.

For others,

It's the great ocean that has room for all the waves.

For others,

It might be a sense of the heart or the Buddha or Jesus or Great Mother or the universe.

But something that reminds us that it's not the small self that has to hold the suffering.

If the small self is trying to be compassionate toward the entire world,

We will be absolutely squashed.

And Jack Kornfield had guidance here that I wanted to share as well.

So he says,

It used to be that when you heard about someone who was suffering,

It was because they were in a village near you or a town.

And then you could go help,

You knew these people,

There was some way to respond.

But today,

We're being flooded by the world on Instagram,

Social media,

What have you,

Internet.

And of course,

Our news focus on that which scares us because that also sells.

And so he says,

Life refuses to grant you in any way an immunity from suffering and instead you're being flooded by all the suffering of the world.

So how can you pay attention to it and still keep your heart open?

You actually need to have quiet time.

You need to walk in nature.

You need to remember and remind yourself and the people that about the beauty of the world,

About the innocence of the world,

That the innocence of every tree,

Of every stone,

The change of the seasons,

And this is also part of who we are.

So there's not just suffering in the world.

And there's a bigger space that has all of the beauties of the world as well as the sorrows of the world.

So we're not the ones containing it.

And some things that might look like compassion but are not compassion.

I want to mention three.

I really love that this term Tara Bragg shared it about idiot compassion.

It's compassion when you are allowing some harmful behaviors.

So the differentiation here is that compassion and feeling the suffering and remembering that the other is a human and they're coming from some experience.

And then where are the boundaries?

How can you protect harm from happening to you either to yourself or to other people or maybe that person is harming themselves?

The idea that being compassionate doesn't say anything about what are the needed boundaries or what are the protection that is needed.

So that differentiation is important.

The other one is pity because when we feel pity for people there is a sense of a hierarchy that I am better or I am in a better place and I'm kind of looking down at you.

And that's not compassion.

That's pity.

And we are trying to do the opposite of that.

We're trying to understand that the person in the street could be me.

The homeless person could be me.

And the third one is ego.

And this is something I relate to as well.

By the way,

I relate to all of all three.

So I found myself extending idiot compassion in the past.

I found myself pitying.

And the third one,

The ego is kind of like a distancing where you say,

I am the helper and I'm helping you,

Poor person who is suffering.

So again,

There's the sense of maybe not.

.

.

It's a little bit different than hierarchy.

The sense that like,

I'm giving you something precious or I'm extending this good thing for you,

You poor person who is suffering.

And that actually does not bring the heart closer.

It does the opposite.

It kind of pushes that person away.

Thich Nhat Hanh,

I want to read this quote.

He says,

When our left hand is injured,

Our right hand takes care of it right away.

It doesn't stop to say,

I'm taking care of you.

You're benefiting from my compassion.

So,

You know,

We can all relate to this,

Like you cut a finger,

Something happens and yes,

Your hand goes directly to that and,

You know,

Tries to put the bandaid around it.

So this natural inclination is what's compassionate,

Not the sense of I'm being compassionate toward you and you should be thankful for that.

So we're going to meditate now and remember that compassion,

Just like any other practice we are exploring is a muscle.

So it's something we train ourselves to do.

And this training takes many rounds.

So just like anything else we train,

Awareness or loving kindness or joy or gratitude,

The more we practice compassion,

The easier it will be for us to access.

And what we're trying to do is to notice the pain,

Turn toward the pain,

Intentionally turn toward the pain,

And then just give a response that is caring.

Okay?

So I'll invite you to find the posture in which you feel awake and relaxed.

And for a few moments,

You might just let yourself sit in a quiet and centered way,

Collect your scattered attention on your anchor.

You might breathe deeply and relax any tension that is not needed in the body.

Just relaxing into this presence,

Letting life flow through you.

So just centering yourself around your anchor for another moment here.

And as you sit in this way,

Centered and present,

You might feel or you might explore how you treasure your own life.

This sense of being alive,

What that means to you.

And after some time of doing this,

You might bring to mind someone with whom you have a rather easy loving relationship,

Someone with whom love comes a bit easier than other people.

It can be a friend,

It can be a mentor.

And you might picture them and you might feel your natural caring for them,

Noticing how you feel about them,

How you hold them in your heart.

And then you might let yourself be aware of their measure of suffering.

So what are the struggles and the suffering,

The difficulties of this person turning intentionally toward this suffering?

Or if you don't know in detail the suffering,

Then maybe turning toward the fact that there is probably suffering in this person's life as well.

And this understanding of common humanity that they also treasure their own life.

So you might feel how your heart opens to wish them well to extend some comfort in response to this suffering,

This natural tendency we have to respond with care when we notice suffering.

And so you might inwardly recite the following phrases and then you might add your own.

You might say for this person,

May you be held in compassion,

May your pain and sorrow be eased,

May your heart be at peace,

And may you find freedom from suffering.

And you can add here any other phrases you would like to add,

Finding any phrases that help you express your heart's true intention.

And after you've recited or sent these wishes for a while for this person,

May you be held in compassion,

May your pain and sorrow be eased,

May your heart be at peace,

And may you be free from suffering.

You can imagine that this person turns to you,

Looks at you,

And they have this understanding that you treasure your life.

They have an understanding of your share of suffering in your life,

The difficulties you carry,

And they have this tenderness toward you,

This wish to alleviate your pain,

To reduce your pain.

You might imagine them saying the same sentences for you.

Imagine them saying to you,

May you be held in compassion,

May your pain and sorrow be eased,

May you be at peace,

May you be free from suffering.

And you might explore taking in these wishes and letting them touch your heart,

Receiving their care for you,

And noticing how this feels in your body.

Picturing them saying to you,

May you be held in compassion,

May your pain and sorrow be eased,

May you be at peace,

And may you be free from suffering.

And after a few more moments of receiving their care,

Then you might turn your attention toward yourself.

Without going into any detailed stories,

You might just remember the fact that you also have difficulties,

You also have struggles,

And you also have suffering in your life from time to time.

And you might sense or you might explore this natural inclination of the heart toward yourself,

This wish to reduce the pain and the suffering in yourself.

And with a hand on your heart,

You might wish for yourself,

May I be held in compassion,

May my pain and sorrow be eased,

May I be at peace,

And may I be free from suffering.

And just noticing sensations of this inside your body,

This well-wishing for yourself,

And opening your heart as best as you can to this care,

You're extending to yourself.

Maybe repeating one more time,

May I be held in compassion,

May my pain and sorrow be eased,

May I be at peace,

May I be free from suffering.

And then you might call upon a neutral person.

This might be a familiar stranger,

Someone you know a little bit but you don't know too well,

It could be someone who cuts your hair or someone you run into on the street.

And you might again picture this person,

Remember their qualities,

And then extend or explore extending the same tenderness and compassion toward them by remembering that they also treasure their life,

And they also have suffering and difficulties from time to time.

And you might again,

With this natural inclination of the heart,

Wish for them,

May you be held in compassion,

May your pain and sorrow be eased,

May you be at peace,

And may you be free from suffering.

And you can add your own phrases,

You can search for the phrases that express your heart's truest intention for this neutral being.

Just searching for some words that are compassionate and caring,

And staying with this intention of extending care for another moment.

And now for the last minute of this practice,

You might bring together in your mind your friend or mentor that you first sent compassion to,

And then include yourself in the picture,

And include your neutral being.

Picture other friends,

Mentors,

Other people you love,

Other neutral beings,

People you don't know too well,

And even people whom you find maybe slightly difficult.

And then from there,

Opening up to all beings everywhere,

In every direction,

Up and down,

Left and right,

Front and back.

And connecting to this tenderness toward the entire world,

Toward the entire universe,

Remembering that we're not holding on to any of this suffering.

We're just simply noticing it's there,

And we're letting it be held by something larger than ourselves.

So letting the universe hold all this pain,

All this suffering,

Including your own suffering.

And then with this natural tendency of the heart,

You might wish for all beings everywhere,

May all beings everywhere be held in compassion,

May all beings everywhere have a heart that's at peace,

May the pain and sorrow of all beings everywhere be eased,

And may all beings everywhere be free from suffering.

May they be held in compassion,

May their pain and sorrows be eased,

May their hearts be at peace,

And may they be free from suffering.

And just imagining that these compassionate wishes extend from you,

Maybe from your chest,

In every direction,

Touching all beings everywhere,

With this intention of letting this suffering be held by something larger.

And now I want to invite you to just drop any sense of doing any practice,

Just relax for a few moments until you hear a bell,

Maybe noticing the qualities of your presence right now.