IFS INSIGHT: Cultivating Empathy For Our Inner Parts

In this episode, Tim Fortescue emphasizes the significance of self-empathy and understanding the various parts of oneself. He discusses how extending compassion inward can lead to greater self-awareness and emotional balance. Through personal anecdotes and client stories, he illustrates the transformative power of listening to and acknowledging one's inner critic and other parts, ultimately fostering a healthier relationship with oneself.

Transcript

Today I want to talk about something that I think we all need more in our lives.

Empathy.

But not just empathy for others.

What we're focusing on today is empathy for all the different parts of yourself.

When I hear the word empathy,

I naturally think about understanding and caring for others,

Which is so important.

But just as vital is the idea of extending that same compassion inward towards the parts of you that are struggling,

Frustrated,

Or feeling misunderstood.

In today's episode,

We're going to explore what it means to offer empathy to yourself and your parts,

Why it's so important for self-awareness,

And how it can transform the way you live and make decisions.

I'm also going to share some personal stories from my life that illustrates this point.

And on that note,

How are your parts?

This week's been a little challenging for me and my parts.

And those critics come up,

And they're doing the best they can,

But they're parts that react to them,

And so I've just noticed those polarizations.

And so it's good to take time for me to remind my parts that I'm older now,

Things are different,

But they can trust a little more.

But it makes sense that they're struggling with that.

And maybe you're noticing some of those polarizations and inner struggles.

And just be gentle with yourself,

And just pause.

Send compassion to those parts.

We're all doing the best that we can.

We all have times where it's more challenging than others.

So let's begin with a question I've been reflecting on recently.

How can you better understand and feel the experiences of your parts?

And one's by just awareness,

And knowing that no matter how much we practice this parts work,

It's good to reattune and increase that awareness,

And pause and slow a little bit.

You've heard me talk over the last couple episodes about my feeling overwhelmed with work,

Family,

Responsibilities,

And my own inner expectations.

And those critics have high expectations.

And you've heard me talk about my part that's often driving me to work harder to be productive,

No matter the cost.

I had a therapist once who I went into their office,

And often,

Yeah,

Little Tim shows up.

And the parts that are protecting him think,

One mistake,

And you've heard me say this,

That you don't belong where you are today.

And one mistake,

You're going to show it to the world.

And it sticks in my mind,

And maybe it's helpful for you as I tell my parts when they can really be stirred up and not be working as a team.

Those parts that once helped me,

And they're still trying to help me,

But reminding them things are different,

To have a conversation,

To let them know that I'm not going back.

I'm going to keep making mistakes,

But everyone's making mistakes.

And we're enough.

There's a team here,

And this helps them soften to remember who I am.

And to remember that there are powers that work outside of who I am,

And they can trust.

And I'm sure some of you can relate.

I'm sure,

Yeah,

You,

All of you can relate on some level,

Whether it's work,

Personal goals,

Or just the pressure to keep up.

We all have parts that push us to keep moving forward.

We have parts that don't like them.

We don't have to push them away.

They're doing the best they can.

We can extend some compassion.

But what happens when we don't slow down to really listen to these parts,

And that we're not offering empathy to these parts that are critical,

Doing the best they can?

We still need them,

But they don't have to work so hard.

They make us whole and who we are today.

And the same with those parts that react to the idea of slowing down and giving these critical parts or over-driving parts space.

They're doing the best that they can,

Too,

And their fears are valid.

But they've got us,

Who we are today,

That's driving the bus.

We can get to know each of them,

And both sides bring gifts that we need that make us self and whole and who we are.

But in my lack of slowing and noticing and reacting to my Taskmaster-type parts without understanding where they're coming from,

And noticing how my other parts react to them,

I get exhausted.

But I'm not taking the time to truly feel what that part of me was experiencing,

And why it was so relentless,

And it didn't know how it was affecting my system.

It doesn't want to put me off balance.

And when I decided to sit with it,

And I'm not gonna lie,

It's not comfortable.

There are parts of me that don't even know much about feelings because it wasn't appropriate in the past.

But they're learning.

They're having courage little by little.

Parts of me didn't want to face the deeper fears and worries,

And they still don't,

That this part that is overworking and being a Taskmaster was carrying.

But I needed to pause,

As hard as it was,

As much courage as it took from my parts.

And as I sat with the overworking parts,

I began to see that these parts weren't just about productivity for productivity's sake.

They're carrying fear of failure,

Of not being enough,

Of letting my family down,

If I didn't keep up.

And when I acknowledged that,

Something shifted and continues to shift,

And the part that didn't like the Taskmaster softened too.

These parts that seem so polarized,

Are beginning and have begun to realize that they're actually working on the same team.

And that we can go heal those little Tim's together.

Instead of pushing back or trying to fix,

Having empathy for my parts,

Just like I do for clients and others,

Goes a long way.

And so I encourage you to say to your parts,

I see you,

I hear you,

And I understand or I want to understand why you're so anxious.

In that moment,

I found that profound things happen,

And tension is eased,

And my overworking critical parts are relieved to know that they don't have to work so hard anymore.

They can trust me and soften back if they feel seen and heard.

So take just a moment to think about a part of yourself that's been driving you lately.

It might be a part that's been pushing you to work harder,

Achieve more,

Or even one that's been feeling anxious or fearful about the future.

How often have you paused to really feel what that part's experiencing?

To sit with it without trying to change it?

Just to listen.

And what parts are reacting to it?

And then maybe ask another question,

And I encourage you to re-listen to this,

Or maybe pause if you're not driving,

Or can,

Or make note to listen again later,

And take some time to journal.

But what might each part need to truly feel heard and understood?

Often our parts are just looking for acknowledgement.

They don't necessarily want us to fix the situation right away.

They know that may not be possible.

Instead,

They need to know that we're paying attention to them.

We're not going to forget about them or the situation.

Just like in any relationship,

Listening builds trust.

And when we finally listen to those driver parts,

Working so hard out of fear,

We can begin to realize that these critics and drivers aren't trying to sabotage us or drain us.

They're just trying to protect from failure,

From feeling inadequate.

But if we don't first offer empathy,

Those parts aren't going to trust us.

And we're not going to see that they're doing the best that they can.

And we can't remind them that things are different now.

Things may have changed.

And when we can do that,

We're not just reacting to the demands of those taskmasters and critics.

But once we acknowledge its fears and offer understanding,

Things begin to shift.

I've seen that,

And I hope you have too.

And this is where empathy comes into play.

Each part of you,

Whether it's a part that's anxious,

Frustrated,

Or pushing too hard,

Has its own story.

And if you take the time to listen,

To offer empathy,

You'll often find that what it needs isn't drastic change,

But simply to be heard and understood.

Let me tell you another story.

This is one from a while back.

I was working with a client,

We can call him David,

Who was dealing with a lot of self-doubt.

Can you relate to that?

He had a strong inner critic constantly telling him he wasn't good enough,

Wasn't smart enough,

Wasn't capable enough.

And this part of him was brutal.

It was wearing him down,

Wearing other parts inside the system down,

Creating a lot of imbalance.

And when we first started working together,

David's instinct was to fight back against this critical part,

To shut it down.

Other parts did not want to go there.

And just realizing that there were other parts that were jumping in,

And the polarizations there was key.

And it made sense because this critic was harsh.

But the more we talked,

The more we started to explore why that critical part was showing up,

What it was protecting him from.

Eventually,

Through a lot of gentle inquiry,

David discovered that this part had developed as a defense mechanism early in his life.

It was trying to keep him from making mistakes,

From being humiliated.

And it was hard for David to see it at first,

But eventually he realized that this inner critic wasn't the enemy.

It was a protector.

It was harsh because it was scared.

And what it needed more than anything was empathy.

And as soon as David began to offer that part of him some compassion,

To recognize that it wasn't trying to harm him,

But rather protect him,

The dynamic shifted.

The critic didn't disappear overnight,

But it softened because it still offers some input that we need.

Those parts that were afraid of it being so critical,

They reacted to that softening,

And they were able to keep David on track too,

With maybe making lists where he needed them,

Keeping some structure to his life.

But it became less of an obstacle and more of an ally,

The critic and those reacting.

And those are those less extreme states that we're working with our parts to see that they're in,

So they can let go of those burdens.

They can be those seven-year-olds.

They also bring the gifts that David need to be the adult that he is today.

And this transformation wouldn't have been possible without empathy,

Without taking the time to truly listen and understand that part of him,

And those parts that came up around that.

So this brings me to one final question for today.

How can empathy towards your parts improve your overall self-awareness?

When you extend empathy towards your parts,

You create space for those parts to communicate openly.

They no longer need to act out as strongly,

Because they feel heard.

This opens the door to greater self-awareness,

Because when your parts aren't in conflict constantly,

You can see more clearly who's really driving the bus.

That's you.

That's me and all of our belovedness.

And for me,

When I offered empathy to that part of me that was afraid of failing,

I began to understand so much more about myself.

And I could see how that fear was influencing my choices,

My energy,

Even how I interacted with others.

And as I've continued to offer empathy,

I found that I make decisions from a place of calm and clarity,

Rather than stress and fear.

Empathy toward your parts not only improves your self-awareness,

But it also brings more balance and peace into your life.

You stop reacting to your parts and start working with them,

Which is incredibly empowering.

So as we wrap up today's episode,

I want to leave you with these three questions to reflect on throughout the week.

How can you better understand and feel the experiences of your parts?

What might each part need to feel truly heard and understood?

How can empathy toward your parts improve your overall self-awareness?

Reviews

My worrier part showed up during this talk. I communicated with it inwardly. It was amazing and I felt calm and clear about this transition from worrier to warrior. I feel like I integrated with this part turning the neg into a positive.✨