Stop Waiting for Your Partner To Change – Do This Instead

You have more power in your relationship than you may think you do.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Well.

.

.

Let me tell you,

One hand can change the whole rhythm of the dance.

Is that guaranteed?

No.

The people I work with and in my own life,

We live the AA serenity prayer.

Give me the courage to change the things I can,

Which is me.

The serenity to accept what I cannot change,

Which,

Guess what,

Is my partner.

And the wisdom to know which is which.

Look,

I've got some bad news for you.

If you've been sitting around waiting for your partner to change,

You're wasting your time.

So many of the people who come see me walk in with a t-shirt that reads,

Only you would dot dot dot.

Well.

How long you've been trying to get them to dot,

Dot,

Dot,

And how well has that been going for you.

Here's a different approach.

You and I are on a seesaw.

That seesaw is called our interaction,

Our relationship.

We teach our relational life therapists to articulate this as the more,

The more.

It's the vicious circle.

That unhappy couples are stuck in.

The more she pursues,

The more he distances,

The more he distances,

The more she pursues.

It's their choreography.

Dance.

The more he rages,

The more she upregulates.

The more she scurries around saying,

Don't set daddy off,

The angrier daddy gets.

The more over-functioning he is,

The more under-functioning she is.

And what we teach our therapists is this dance,

This more the more,

That is our report card as couples therapists.

If you want things to change in a relationship,

Keep your eye on the more the more.

The more she pursues,

The more he distances,

The more he distances,

The more she pursues well.

You may not get him to stop distancing,

But you can get you.

To stop.

Priscilla,

Then what else?

You give up.

Directly trying to control what's going on on the other end of that seesaw.

And you see if you can change nuts.

Your partner on the other end,

But if you can change the seesaw.

The dynamic.

Between the two of you by changing what you do on your half of the seesaw.

My beloved mentor,

Pia Melody,

Told a very funny story about being in the car with her then-husband,

Pat.

They're both gone now.

Pia would be chatting.

As people do.

And Pat would reach over and turn on the news on the radio and she would get mad and she'd confront him and he'd get defensive and they'd have a fight.

So after,

I don't know,

500 rounds of that one,

One day they're driving on a long drive and she's talking and Pat turns on the news and Pia takes out a book and puts it on her lap and starts reading.

And Pat gets lonely and he turns off the news and says,

What are you reading?

Oh,

Nothing.

You Ha ha ha.

And then she starts talking.

And he reaches over and turns on the news and she opens her book and starts reading.

Is there a guarantee that the pattern will change if you change?

I wish I could say there was.

That's not true.

That's the serenity prayer.

We can't control the outcome.

We do our best.

We optimize the possibility of change by changing our.

.

.

Position.

What does that look like?

First of all,

Get real with yourself about what your usual position is.

Fight,

Flight,

Fawn,

Fix,

When the heat is on.

Do you stand up and do you shut it down?

And by the way,

You can be sitting six inches in front of somebody and shut it down.

It's called stonewalling.

Do you fix?

Oh my God,

Oh my God,

You're upset.

Let me fix it.

What are you?

And then what's your partner?

Once you put that together,

You've got your pattern.

That's the simplest version of your pattern.

Bite,

Play.

Fix the more i fight the more they flee the more they flee the more i fight breaks The pattern.

.

.

At least try.

By shifting your Pia experienced Pat as distancing from her.

When he put on the news.

A knee-jerk response.

Was to angrily pursue him more distance.

After 5,

000 rounds of that,

She took a breath one day and out-distanced him.

He turned off the radio again.

Guarantee that'll work.

No,

But.

.

.

Try it.

Try 350 new moves on your end and see what happens.

And I particularly love it when people in stuck patterns break the pattern through play.

I have a dear friend who was married to a Zen master,

An American meditation teacher of renown.

And I said to her,

What's it like to be married to a Zen master?

He said,

Well,

It's really hard to be mad at the son of a God.

I said,

Tell me.

She said,

Well,

Just the other day,

We were in the supermarket.

And I was reaming him a new wine,

Which he deserved.

I was having at it.

And I turned and he was gone.

And I looked and the son of a gun is on the floor.

In the supermarket,

Kissing my feet.

And he looks up at me and he says,

You know,

The problem in this marriage is your feet are just not getting the attention they deserve.

I cried.

I mean,

You know,

We started laughing.

I mean,

Break.

The pattern by breaking your part.

In the powder.

Something new.

Something.

More mature,

Something more skilled.

And let me tell you,

Here's your shorthand.

If you're one up.

Entitled,

Irresponsible,

Demanding,

Angry,

Big,

Self-righteous.

Come on down.

Open your heart.

Get soft.

Get vulnerable.

Get yielding.

Instead of I'm pissed as hell.

That hurt my feelings.

If you're one down,

Find some spied.

Take a risk.

Lean in and stand up for yourself.

Honey,

I would really like it better if you would.

Notice how I say that.

Not angry,

Not critical,

But assertive.

It would mean a lot to me if you would do this instead of that.

As a favor to me,

Would you be willing to do that,

Please?

Is important.

Standing out for yourself does not mean being harsh.

Or adversarial.

You can be cherishing a relationship and assertive at the same time,

But that moves into territory beyond our culture.

That's new.

Loving power.

So,

If you're used to being one up,

Entitled,

Demanding,

Angry,

Retaliatory controlling.

Breathe yourself down.

Let go.

Open your heart.

Be yielding.

Be less selfish and more responsive.

If you're one down,

Fix,

Fix,

Fix.

Fan,

Fan,

Fan.

Stand up.

We deserve better.

And if you're used to hiding behind a wall,

Shutting down,

Have some courage.

Lean in and engage.

But with skill.

You're behind that wall because you're convinced it won't go well.

It won't go well if you just use the defaults you've been taught in this culture,

But you can learn more sophisticated ways of doing it.

The more the more.

Fight,

Flight,

Or fix.

I do this,

They do that.

Instead of my doing this,

I'm going to try.

Something.

Do.

Instead of trying to fix them,

I'm going to stand out to them.

Instead of standing up to them,

I'm going to ask them what they need.

Whatever you're used to.

Switch it.

If you're big and powerful and pissed off.

Find your vulnerability.

If you're scared and controlling and afraid to set anybody off,

Find your courage.

Break.

Pattern.

By changing your dance step.

And then see what happens.

Good luck.