Successful Career, Broken Relationships | What's Going Wrong

I had moments in my own career where I was very successful,

So I was able to create something in the world that had an effect.

At the same time,

I was super frustrated,

Angry,

And also sad about how some of the relationships I had were working out.

Could be relationships with my partner,

With friends,

Or with family.

And I was always wondering,

Why is that happening?

On the one side,

I can create things and they have really a lot of impact and work well.

Relationships and they are draining,

They are frustrating and in a way I'm not on top of the game for these kind of things.

By the end of this video you will know how to improve your relationships by doing the most important thing.

Let's find out what it is.

So you are successful in your professional life but there might come a moment where you recognize and realize that the relationships that you have,

Often with the people closest to you,

Are not what you like to experience.

And with that comes a lot of emotional trouble.

As I said,

Anger,

Frustration,

Sadness.

And as we are moving forward often on autopilot,

It's not easy to solve that.

So we are kind of suppressing it,

Taking it all in,

Carrying the weight of it,

But not really finding a solution.

When this moment arises,

We have to understand one important thing.

When we have negative or bad relationships,

We cannot fix that in the outside world as we are doing it with our projects and with our companies.

Is an inner game.

We have to understand that this is all about ourselves.

Normally,

It happens like that.

Step by step,

You recognize that the relationships you experience,

For example,

With your partner in your marriage or with a friend or maybe even with a business partner,

Is not working so well.

You are getting out of discussions,

Frustrated.

You see that it's more about arguments and not finding solutions.

You and that does not feel well.

And because as high achievers and high performers,

We are so trained to find solutions,

We try to make that happen.

So we over explain ourselves.

We try to make the others see what they do wrong,

What they don't understand about us.

And it's often very,

Very difficult to speak openly about it,

To share what emotionally arises,

Because as we are human beings,

We get entangled very quickly.

Rise and then we have another argument in the evening of the day after a full day of work and it's very difficult to solve that.

So what we have to realize here is that we are not able to turn the relationship into a new direction by trying to make the other understand better what is happening but to focus back into and onto ourselves.

Projects,

Pushing forward,

Making things happen.

We had a lot of creative energy that we used to create our world,

To create our reality,

To bring things into those stages where we think,

Okay,

This is a success.

But what I recognize again and again when I'm working with very successful people,

That this outside success comes with a price.

And most of the time,

It happens that when we are going through these stages,

When we are building and creating,

We start to neglect our own needs.

So in a way,

We are getting lost.

We are moving into autopilot.

We have to work and work and create and create.

We are always available,

Not only for the projects,

But maybe also for our teams.

But then when we come home and we need some rest and we need some care,

We recognize that what we experience is not what we really need.

Cause of that is that through the years of hard work,

Of pushing through,

Of being on autopilot,

We disconnected from ourselves.

When I came to this point,

When I recognized in a phase of my life where I was really successful in my job that I had those negative and draining relationships,

I also had to recognize that I cannot fix it in the outside.

I always try to over-explain myself.

I always try to find solutions for it.

Outer world,

Argumenting,

Discussing,

Explaining.

But the real breakthrough came when I recognized that I had neglected the connection to myself,

That I was not taking care of what I truly need.

So I was in a mode of denial.

I didn't recognize it.

I didn't see it.

And in a way,

Because the emotions were suppressed,

I not even really felt it.

I recognized I was not the bestie for myself that I could be and should be.

So through all the years of creating and doing in the outside,

We can get sloppy in the relationship with ourselves.

And of course,

We have a lot of very high standards in the way we do work and the way we want to have relationships.

Spiral of negative self-talk,

Of difficult emotions that we try to suppress.

Maybe we have more work to do not to feel it.

Maybe we use substances to not feel it.

Maybe we are doom-scrolling not to feel it.

So there are many different routes that we can choose not to be with those difficult and challenging emotions.

But when we come to this point where we recognize,

Okay,

Now it's time to get really honest.

We have to feel what's really happening.

And I can say from the work that I do with a lot of founders and entrepreneurs and the retreats that I do also in the therapy and coaching work,

Most of us have this going on.

It's not to shame you or anything.

You are not doing something wrong.

It is a very natural thing that is happening that we are neglecting ourselves.

And when we neglect ourselves,

We are also not able to have good and healthy and supportive relationship with others.

And the strange thing is that there are certain areas in our life where we can do that very well.

So I hear that again and again from my clients that they have a team and the team really loves them and it's really amazing.

And then when they come home,

They have a lot of arguments with their partner or the children are ignoring them or whatever that is.

And this is related to the disconnect that they have with themselves.

Because actually,

If you would have a very good relationship with yourself,

Honest,

Kind,

Compassionate,

You would be really present and aware of what is going on inside of you.

And you would take care of your needs.

Then you would be in a state that makes you much more relatable.

And of course,

When we are at work,

We can perform very well because we have this professional mask on.

We are kind of the guy or the girl doing it.

And at the same time,

Then when we come to a place,

For example,

Our homes and the mask drops,

Then suddenly all of the other stuff peers.

And if we are not taking care of that other stuff,

It's very difficult to have good and supportive relationships with the people that are closest to us.

So in my own life,

I experience that in a very difficult way.

I've been a therapist for 15 years.

I've been a coach.

I know everything about emotional intelligence,

Emotional regulation.

I know all about the psychological processes,

The dynamics that are I know all of that,

I'm still experiencing these troubles.

And there was a moment where friends left me,

Where I had consistent conflict with my partner,

Where I was really kind of frustrated with things that were happening with family members.

And of course,

In my solution-oriented let's-fix-the-attitude,

I always tried to make it possible that others understand what's going on.

But it didn't work out.

It brought even more frustration.

That I experienced was when I recognized where this happened.

What can I do now?

What is left for me to do?

And then I saw it.

I have to focus more on myself.

And as I said before,

This is not egocentric.

I recognize that for years I had neglected the connection to myself.

Really following up with the needs that I have,

Really taking care of myself in a way that I feel good with myself,

That I don't need all the other people to make me feel good,

But that when I'm with myself,

I'm really in tune and I really enjoy what is taking place.

And of course,

This is not something that we can have all the time.

There might be good days and bad days.

Therapy and coaching was still not in the best shape because I was so much into work.

I was so much into creating stuff.

I was so much into all sorts of things that are interesting to me that I neglected the most important thing myself.

And in the moment I got that and I said to myself,

OK,

Now I will take care of myself.

I want to become my best friend.

I want to be compassionate.

I want to learn how to be kind.

Forgiving,

I want all of these things,

A lot of release happened because suddenly I understood that many of my conflicts I had in the outer world were related to me not being in a good connection and relationship with myself.

And while I understood that,

I was able to see what are the little shifts and nudges that I can do in my life.

Might it be like doing more sports,

Like looking for my energy,

Taking care of my health,

The things that I eat,

And of course also the way I approach myself,

The way I'm dealing with my own state.

So I invite you today to really get honest with yourself,

To really recognize what is taking place inside of yourself,

Best relationship you can have with yourself.

Because this essentially is the foundation.

How do you treat yourself?

How much are you connected with yourself?

And if you recognize,

Oh,

I'm out of connection with myself,

I'm out of touch with myself,

I'm out of tune with myself,

That you then do the stuff that is needed for you.

To reconnect.

And it might be a yoga session,

It might be nature,

It might be whatever you need to take care of yourself,

To feel yourself again,

To come to a good point where you say,

And now I'm friends with myself again.

Because this actually is the foundation for having great relationships with others.

And of course,

Being in this good relationship with ourselves needs a lot of practice.

So see you in the next video.