From the beginning of time,
As long as I remember,
I felt broken.
I felt like something was wrong with me.
It was like a curse,
A blanket,
A veil over my eyes,
And that's all I could see.
Sometimes still what I see.
In this very moment,
At this very time,
I see that clearly upon myself,
The darkness that tries to stay,
The darkness that tries to let me believe that all of this is real,
That all of this is true.
And I believe.
I believe it with every fiber of my being,
With every fiber of my soul.
And yet,
Somewhere,
Somehow,
There is someone that is keeping me alive.
There is someone that is determined to not let myself fall into the deepest darkness and to disappear.
I so desperately want to disappear sometimes.
I so desperately hope it will all end and I can be at peace again.
And yet,
No one is coming to rescue me.
No one is taking me away from the pain.
No one is here to set me free.
No one but me.
In the darkest of moments,
When I allow myself to go all the way,
To go all in,
To leave this world behind,
I'm standing at a crossroad and I get to decide.
Will I go left or will I go right?
Will I live or will I die?
Will I save my life or will I say goodbye?
I consider both choices with a clear mind and with acceptance of it all.
I am ready.
I am ready to leave.
And yet,
Here I still am.
I am here,
In the darkness,
In the despair.
I am also here with all my knowing,
With all my wisdom,
And with all my hopes.
The pain seems unbearable at times.
The pain makes me forget what's possible.
The pain makes me blind to see who I still am,
Even though I might have lost something important,
Even though I might have lost a part of myself that will never be recovered.
I lost someone I loved.
I lost a piece of myself.
And I am grieving.
And that's okay.
It takes time.
And I'm still here.
