Where Is Your Heart? With Holly Worton

Holly Worton, host of Business Mindset Podcast, left her husband of ten years and left their shared business less than one year later. We're talking about the purpose in asking, "Where is your heart?" in the midst of grief.

Transcript

So welcome,

Holly,

To coming back.

I am so thrilled to have you here.

I want to jump in,

Because I feel like you have a lot of valuable insights to offer our listeners today.

So start with your story.

Tell us your story,

However you'd like to tell it.

Okay.

So,

Well,

Okay,

So in 1999,

I started my first business with my ex-husband.

And we built up this business over the course of 10 and a half years.

He is still running it.

Basically,

He had some property in Mexico,

I moved down with him,

I had a little bit of money,

We put it all together,

And built an eco hotel in southeast Mexico.

And gradually expanded to three hotels in Mexico,

Expanded down to South America to Patagonia,

Central Reservations Office in Argentina.

And it grew into this amazing,

Beautiful project.

But the relationship was very complicated,

Not just because we were working together,

But because of the kind of person my ex-husband was.

So in 2008,

I ended up leaving him and eventually getting divorced.

And it took me almost a year before I could let go of my business relationship with him because I just loved it too much.

I wasn't ready to let go of it.

But it got to the point where I realized I had to let go of that too,

And left that in 2009.

So it was this just massive upheaval of my life because I left my partner who I'd been with for 10 years and my business,

Which was my sole income for 10 years.

It was like my entire life just got turned upside down in kind of two stages.

And so much of my identity was wrapped up into my business because I just put all of my heart into it.

And so when I made the decision to leave that,

It was like I didn't know who I was.

I had no clue.

It was like I completely lost my grounding and my direction in life.

And I just felt very,

Very,

Very lost.

Wow.

And yeah,

For sure.

And I think that not enough people acknowledge that things like the relationships,

The intimate relationships we form with other people and our jobs are both our jobs careers,

The things that we create are both things that relate so closely to our identity.

So when we lose them,

We're literally losing pieces of ourselves,

Parts of ourselves are dying.

I want to know,

Where was your heart in all of this?

Like as this was happening,

Did you I almost want to know,

Did you see it coming?

Like,

Did you know was were you blindsided?

Was this kind of planned and executed in a way and then where was your heart and all of it?

What were the messages that it was telling you?

Well,

It was very much planned and executed both parts of the leaving.

It was just a matter of me getting up the courage to do it because I knew it had to be done because I was deeply,

Deeply,

Deeply unhappy.

But it was so hard to do.

Both of those decisions were so difficult for me.

And where was my heart and all of that?

I don't even know because I was so out of alignment with myself.

As a result of that relationship,

And I think just completely out of touch with my,

I'm going to say it again,

My alignment.

It was like I didn't know what was up,

What was down,

What was right,

What was wrong.

I was just really out of touch with my inner voice,

My intuition,

All of that completely disconnected to all of this stuff that is now so important to me.

And so I don't even know where my heart was.

It was deeply,

It was in pain,

It was confused.

I would say confused more than anything.

I didn't even know.

Yeah,

And it's kind of like,

What's going on to your whole situation?

I want to know,

When did things start to shift for you?

When did you know when was the,

I don't want to call it like the awakening point when you knew that things were out of alignment or that things needed to change and you kind of set that into place?

Was there an event that kind of sparked that for you?

It was gradual over the course of those 10 years.

It just kind of kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse until I finally realized I needed to do something about it.

And I knew in the back of my mind that I needed to do something about it,

But it wasn't until I actually had to set myself a deadline.

I remember it was the beginning of July 2008 and I remember saying to myself,

By the end of July,

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to leave.

And oh my God,

It was so hard.

And I spent the entire month of July just agonizing over it because I just thought,

I'm not going to be able to do it.

I'm not going to be able to do it.

I'm not going to be able to do it.

And then on July 24th,

Near the end of the month,

I did it.

And that was kind of the first stage of the rest of my life.

It completely,

Completely changed my life in so many ways.

Taking back,

Kind of getting the courage to make that decision and moving on.

And then the second part of it was when I left my business.

Had you ever set a deadline for unpleasant things before?

Because this is a totally new concept to me.

I'm kind of amused,

But I'm also like really proud of you and the way that that came forward.

You're like,

You know,

I'm going to do it,

But I'm going to make it almost like homework to make this happen for myself.

You know,

Honestly,

No.

So since then I've gone on to train as a coach,

So I'm really clear on the process of setting goals and setting deadlines and that kind of thing.

But back at that point in my life,

I had never done anything like that before.

I think it was just,

I was going through that dark night of the soul.

My life was just spiraling down and down and down.

It was getting darker and darker and darker.

And I just thought,

I've got to set myself a deadline.

Otherwise it's not going to happen.

You know,

I've been unhappy for so long.

I've known it's not right for so long,

But I've got to set a deadline.

Because I think it was just kind of divine inspiration that put that idea in my head because I'd never done anything like that before.

I absolutely love that.

And that's definitely a first for the show to be like,

You want to,

There was an episode we did,

I believe it was episode four with Iris Rankin,

Where we talked also about relationship breakups and moving across the country where there's these losses in our lives that we actually have a hand in creating.

Death is very much something that people are taken from us and we have no choice in the matter.

But a lot of the other losses in our lives are losses that we quote unquote create or have some say in how they play out.

So to have a literal,

To make a date with yourself on your calendar to create a loss in your life,

That's just,

It's such a cool,

Like radical concept to me.

And I'm dwelling in that right now.

I just absolutely love reveling.

It was definitely not on my calendar because he would have seen it.

It was definitely in my mental calendar.

It was definitely my mental calendar.

And it was it was in my thoughts every single day because I honestly wasn't sure I would have the courage to do it.

Sure.

And,

And I'm curious,

At this point in your life,

What was your,

Like,

Beyond your relationship with your husband?

What was your external support network like?

Like,

How did your family,

Your friends,

Your co workers perceive this relationship and your business?

And how were both of those support networks affected when all of this kind of went down?

Like,

Were you supported through this?

Okay,

So I'm going to come out on your show.

And I've been debating ever since I reached out to you to be on the show,

How much I'm going to say,

But I'm just going to say it,

I'm going to talk about something that I don't normally talk about in platforms like this.

The relationship was abusive,

Physically and mentally and emotionally.

And so that was one of the reasons why it was so important for me to leave.

So,

As in many abusive relationships,

I had no support network,

He had managed to lead me to abandon all of my friends,

I was very much out of touch,

I was living in a foreign country,

I was out of touch with my friends,

I was out of touch with my family.

I had absolutely no support network,

I felt so alone.

And that was also what made it so difficult to make this decision.

Because when I left him,

I mean,

I remember waiting till a moment when I knew he wasn't going to he was out of the office,

He was out of home.

I ran home,

I packed a suitcase,

Ran out,

Booked this horrible hotel,

And checked myself into the hotel.

And it was like,

I had no one to call,

I had no one to talk to,

I had no one.

And of course,

I did have friends and family,

But I was not really in touch with them because I'd been I'd allowed myself to make the decisions to really distance myself from them over those 10 years.

So I,

I felt like I had no one to go to.

Wow,

I am.

I'm so sorry for that experience that you had.

And for the fact that it went.

It went on for as long as it did,

Because 10 years is a is a long time to create crevices and and kind of gulfs in those relationships.

And just to just have that picture in my brain of you doing the thing and packing the suitcase and and getting to a hotel and just sitting there and being like,

Now what is it's just such a vivid picture for me of,

Of really where you were.

So what in all of that was the spark that called you back to your life?

Did you feel like you were in the process of coming back the moment that you left your home and went to the hotel or was there a period of this identity loss phenomenon for you?

Yeah,

I felt I would say about three days after I left him,

I found my own apartment.

And that was the first day that I started feeling like I could breathe because I had my own space for the first time in 10 years.

It was like I had my own territory and no one knew where I lived.

So that was the first time I felt like I can breathe.

But of course,

I was still wrapped up in this business relationship with him.

And that went on for almost another year.

So that was very tumultuous as well.

So it was like I was starting to feel like I had some breathing room and kind of starting to come back.

But I think it wasn't until I actually left my business that I really started the deep process of coming back.

And after I left my business with him,

I intentionally went on.

It was supposed to be about a year,

But it ended up being a year and a half kind of sabbatical of just working on healing and reconnecting with myself and trying new things and playing and trying to have fun and just re covering my life.

And that was a period of wandering of exploration,

Of feeling lost,

But feeling like I was wandering around close to my path.

It was like I was kind of in the dark.

I couldn't see it,

But I was getting closer to it than I ever had been before.

So I was starting to feel that hope.

Oh,

I love that visual.

Yeah,

The wandering but close by,

Kind of like a mother keeping a watchful eye over babies.

You can hang out on the path,

But don't go too far.

Stay where I can see you.

I absolutely love that.

I want to talk about the net and the web of kind of the dregs of your relationship following you through the business relationship.

What was that like?

Still having to interact with this person who had confined your spirit for so long in a way and to have to continue to interact but still finding your freedom that like half in half out the door.

Talk about that.

That was so rough.

Oh,

That was so rough because it was like I had no sense of boundaries because they had all been broken down over those 10 years.

And it was like I was kind of starting to learn the concept of boundaries and like I said,

Starting to rebuild my life and reconnect with myself.

And it was like I would kind of do a little bit of work on myself like getting coming back to myself,

But then I would be pulled back into that old world every time I had to have some kind of engagement with this person.

And so it was like this constant struggle and this struggle was a part of coming back to myself because it was like I would take one step forward and two steps back and then three steps forward and one step back.

So it was like this constant ebb and flow between my new life and my old life.

And it was,

It felt awful.

I mean,

Now that I look back on it,

I can see how it made sense that things happen like that,

That it wasn't just a straight break and,

You know,

Moving on into my new life.

But at the time,

It was just so confusing because I was making those kind of steps forward and back and forward back and just going,

Where am I?

I don't know where I am.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I was just finding my way into this new phase of my life.

What were you telling yourself in the backslide moments?

I guess I was telling myself,

You know,

It's gonna get better.

It's gonna get better.

You know,

I had been away enough at that time to see that things were getting better.

And I just held on to the hope that my life was going to improve because it had started to improve.

That's beautiful.

Where did he come into your picture of coming back after the divorce happened after you finally got kind of disentangled from this business relationship?

What work,

I mean,

If any,

Did you do to look back at your relationship with him and start to either heal that or block him out of your life?

Or what steps did you take to recreate the relationship that you had with him?

Well,

I left the business in 2009.

2010,

I moved to the UK.

And the following year,

I trained as a coach.

And I did a lot of training for business purposes for my new business that ended up being deeply transformational and healing for me.

So I trained as a life coach,

Trained as an NLP practitioner,

Trained as a spiritual life coach,

Trained in all this coaching and personal development stuff.

And that really started my journey of deeper healing.

And then in 2013,

I trained in a technique called psych K that helps you actually reprogram your beliefs at the subconscious level.

And that was when I went really,

Really deep and really worked on my own issues of self-worth and self-confidence and self-esteem,

Which had been completely just beaten into the dirt during this 10 years.

So I started building myself up and that allowed me to start doing some work with him at a distance.

So he doesn't know that I did all this work,

But I did a ton of work on our relationship,

Healing that stuff,

Healing our connections,

And really lifting up my perspective on the situation.

Because now I can see,

And this is of course,

According to my beliefs,

And I know everyone believes different things,

So this may or may not resonate with people,

But I do believe that we choose as souls at the soul level,

We choose the people we're going to engage with in our human life when we incarnate.

And I believe that we create soul agreements to have certain experiences so that our souls can grow.

And I do believe that we had a soul agreement to have this type of relationship to help both of our souls grow in our respective ways.

So I can see it from that perspective,

And I do see it from that perspective,

And I can only see it from that perspective now that I've done a massive amount of healing,

Years of healing work with myself and with the relationship to get to that perspective.

I absolutely love that.

And then as a train that I'm also riding,

And some days it's a lot easier to ride than others,

To look around your life and be like,

I picked this for myself?

Like really?

Of all the things on the menu,

This is what I chose?

What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

Yes.

So I want to know,

Is there anything that you're still carrying in terms of,

Is there anything,

Not regrets necessarily,

But is there anything you're still angry about or still bitter about or wish was different or better or it happened sooner or late?

I mean,

Anything that you you look back and still examine pretty closely?

Hmm.

That's a really great question.

I feel like I definitely don't regret anything.

And for a long,

Long time,

I had a lot of guilt.

And over not leaving sooner,

Over not having the strength to make that decision sooner.

And I've really managed to get to the point where I've let go of that.

And I am more compassionate with myself than I ever have been.

And I recognize that that was all part of the journey.

And even though it felt absolutely terrible while I was in that situation,

I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't gone through that.

Because as hard as it was,

I am so strong now.

I am so resilient.

I am so,

I have learned so much about myself and just how strong and grounded I can be.

And I wouldn't have that if I hadn't gone through those experiences.

So I am grateful for those experiences,

Even though they were really difficult.

And even though at the time I had so much anger and so much resentment.

I have done so much work to get through that and,

And to be more compassionate with myself about the decisions I made.

So if anyone listening right now is in the middle of their own season of life that looks that mirrors yours,

And they're having these days when,

When they're like,

I can't see a way out,

I instigated this,

Or I helped create this loss in my life.

And I wish I didn't or I wish I'd done it sooner.

I can't believe that this is what my life looks like now.

What,

What would you tell them from being 10,

15 years out now?

I would tell them,

Don't give up hope.

There's always hope.

Focus on that hope.

And focus on doing whatever you can to heal yourself,

To come back to yourself,

To center yourself,

To ground yourself,

To be in touch with yourself.

Because that will give you the strength to make whatever decisions it is that you need to make.

When I was at not even the lowest point of the relationship,

It was like my identity had become so enmeshed with his.

I couldn't,

I was so deeply unhappy,

But I couldn't envision leaving him because we were so interconnected in my mind.

And so at one point for a significant stage of my,

That relationship,

I thought that the only way for me to get out was for me to kill myself.

And every day I would think,

Because we had this office that was kind of on one side of a busy road from the rest of the business.

And so I would have to cross this really busy road several times a day.

And every time I would leave my office to cross the road,

I would think,

All right,

This time I'm going to do,

I'm just going to wait until a really big truck comes by and I'm just going to jump.

And it was like,

I would kind of,

I hate to say fantasize about it,

But like that was my only escape that I could think of.

And every time I crossed the road,

I would think that every time a truck would come,

I would think,

All I have to do is just jump and it'll be over because it's a really big truck.

And I thank God never did it,

But I couldn't see that there was another way out.

So if anyone's listening to this and feeling like that,

Be kind to yourself,

Be gentle to yourself,

And just hold on to whatever glimmer of hope you might have,

Because it gets so much better.

When you make the decision that you need to make,

Whatever that is,

To get your life back on track to a place where you feel happy and you feel joy,

It just gets so much better.

It gets life,

It can be so amazing.

And you have that possibility for you.

Just give yourself permission to make that decision when you need to and be compassionate with yourself in the meantime,

Because it'll happen in due time.

Just take care of yourself and just hold on to whatever hope you have.

I absolutely love that.

And I am so glad you're here to give us that message today.

What gave you hope?

Oh,

Very interesting that you should say that.

So my mother ended up sending me this package.

So I'm not Christian,

Wasn't raised Christian,

Never been baptized,

Never been to church of any kind.

My mother,

Who is Christian,

Sent me this book.

Do you know who Joel Osteen is?

Oh,

Yes,

Of course.

Okay.

So she sent me one of his books.

I think it was his first book.

I forget what it was called.

And I remember opening up this package from her and going,

Why did she send me this book?

She knows I'm not going to read it.

And I put it into my desk drawer and I was like,

I'm sure as hell not going to read that.

But I felt so awful.

I felt my life was just such shit.

And it was so dark that at one point I picked up that book and I started reading it.

And I started underlining it.

And I started,

I'm getting tingles as I tell the story.

Like it was just so fabulous.

And I just kind of tried to ignore the parts where we talked about Jesus.

And I was like,

Okay,

I believe in God,

But I don't believe in other stuff.

So I'll just take what I need.

And I just started reading the book and it just,

It lifted me up out of that dark space.

And it started to give me hope.

It was that book.

It was just reading something that was positive,

That was uplifting,

That shared stories of people who had been in dark places and had lifted themselves up out of that place and had gotten themselves to a better life.

And that was what really sparked the hope in my mind.

Do you remember what the name of the book is?

Just if we have anybody listening who wants to?

It's on my shelf.

And just a second and I will grab it.

Yes,

It's called Become a Better You.

I can't read this subtitle.

Seven keys to improving your life every day.

That's it.

So Become a Better You.

It was life changing for me.

And I would also say to people,

If you're in that dark place,

Be open to whatever comes to you.

Because like I said,

I was not religious.

I was not into that thing.

And it changed my life.

So be open to whatever signs,

Whatever books,

Whatever films,

Whatever whatever comes your way.

It's put in your path for a reason,

I think.

And so just be open to giving it a try.

It's the hardest place to be open.

And yet that's what I believe that the universe is asking of us is not only am I going to break you open as a as a universal force,

And you're going to break yourself open by choosing these losses,

But you must also stay open in the aftermath and receive whatever comes to you because that's where your healing comes from.

I'm really curious about this might be an off the wall question,

But especially because of what you said about your support networks earlier,

I'm curious if you know or have an inkling of what your mom's motivation was behind sending you this book.

Did she become a stronger support to you with time?

Or did she know you're just going through something and kind of sent a package?

I have no idea.

I don't.

I mean,

I have no idea.

I think it was just baby God spoke to her and said send the book.

I don't know because she knows that I'm not religious,

Like she knows she didn't raise me in a religion.

She knows she'd had no,

You know,

Part in Christianizing me.

And I'm sure she knew that that wasn't the kind of book I would want to read.

So it must have been some kind of nudge from the universe,

From God,

From whatever that made her send that to me.

I honestly do not know what she was thinking.

But I think that's really fun.

I just absolutely love that because sometimes I'm like,

There are the people who are like,

I really want to help.

I really want to help.

And they send you a book a week and all this other stuff and have it kind of appearing at your doorstep.

And to have to have it be kind of a universal nudge on both sides is is a really cool piece of that story.

I want to know.

You started,

You started the coming back process,

You discovered this book,

You kind of you've got your own apartment,

Got yourself on your own two feet.

The rebuilding process to now,

What did that look like for you in terms of personal discovery,

Taking all these classes,

I guess,

In a couple of sentences,

Was there one or two concepts that really just summed up that regrowth process for you?

Time and space.

So allowing myself the time and the space to focus on me.

And that just felt so indulgent.

And I was a bit guilty about it.

But I needed that's exactly what I needed,

Because I hadn't had time and I hadn't had space for 10 years to focus on myself.

So that was exactly what I needed to give myself permission to make the time and the space to focus on me and my healing and my coming back.

And looking at your life now,

What is different?

Everything.

Absolutely everything.

I mean,

I,

I'm married again,

About the time that I left my business.

So a year after I left my husband,

I met my current husband.

And he is he was a massive part of my healing process.

He was just absolutely so important.

His support coming from out of the blue and just completely under being understanding and supportive and wonderful.

So that was a he was a huge part of my healing as well.

What was the question?

I'm sorry.

How is your life different?

Right.

So I've got this this relationship that's 180 degrees different.

I've got a business that feels totally aligned with me and totally aligned with my values and my energy and just it's 100% me and I'm just doing exactly what I want.

So partner business life like everything is in such alignment and I feel like every day.

I'm connecting with myself more and more and it just feels wonderful.

It feels amazing.

I love my life so much.

And I never would have gotten to the stage if I had jumped in front of one of those trucks all those years ago.

So I'm very grateful that whatever it was inside me that held me back did because it's amazing.

Where is your heart now?

Where's my heart now?

For the first thing that popped in my head when you said that was it's with me.

It's just I love that I got I don't know what that means but it's like it's with me like I feel like I'm still on the road to like self deep self love and connection but last late last year I completely changed the way I worked with clients and I channeled a new energy healing process that works by reprogramming the subconscious but also releasing energy blocks.

It's called heart centered energy work.

So,

As someone who for all those years dealt with complete disconnect from the heart center I am now working with the heart center with myself and with other people to help people heal using this technique that works very much with the heart so.

Nothing like disconnection to connect you.

Yes,

Oh my goodness that makes me so incredibly happy.

I don't need to know anything else that's with me.

Yeah,

That's so phenomenal.

So talk about delve a little bit more into the work that you're doing now and if anybody's curious about the services that you offer or where else they can find you on social media and beyond would love to learn more about what you're doing in your life right now.

I'm on my website,

H.

O.

L.

L.

Y.

W.

O.

R.

T.

O.

N.

And I'm on pretty much everywhere on social media so you can find me on YouTube,

You can find me on Instagram,

Twitter,

Facebook,

All that stuff and I talk about all kinds of business related stuff.

I have a podcast.

Again,

Talking about the same kinds of stuff that I do so I mostly work with women entrepreneurs on their business mindset,

But because everything is related in life and because I tend to attract women who are a lot like me who have gone through either abusive relationships or loss or stuff like that.

We work on the healing that kind of stuff as well so help them identifying the mindset that they need to create the business and lifestyle they want so who do they need to be,

What do they need to believe about themselves,

What are the limiting beliefs and fears that they need to let go,

I help them explore all that and then we work using this heart centered energy work technique to reprogram the subconscious beliefs and release any energy blocks that are getting in the way of them becoming the person that they want to become.

Oh,

That is so phenomenal and I love hearing the excitement and the energy in your voice,

Talking about that it does feel aligned and your heart is definitely in this work.

Holly,

I have so loved having you on the show today and I'm so excited to share your story with all our listeners and and bring conversations about relationships and business and divorce and,

And coming back through staying open to all of these ears so thank you so much for coming on the show today.

Thank you so much for having me and for getting me to open up about things that I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about.

I'm so proud of you.

I really am.

You said the words coming out and I was like,

Oh my gosh,

What kind of coming out because there's so many different kinds of coming out you can do in an interview.

We're coming out and we're getting back.

I absolutely love it.

It tickles me so much.