Yeah,
We're calling on grace.
Amba's grace,
The creator's grace.
To come and help us open our precious,
Precious hearts.
And trust that unconditional love really exists and is the source of the universe.
May we get stronger and stronger in this understanding,
And may it help us come forward to blossom.
And so it is.
That's it,
You guys.
When you know that the source of the universe is unconditional love,
It's really easy to blossom.
And before that.
It's hard to.
Yeah,
And there's also another subtle point in the journey and I'll mention this tomorrow too.
Remember,
If we're stuck or frustrated or Enough.
We think it's all a load of bunk.
Just remember.
That the problem is inside you.
And I don't mean this in any kind of Judging.
Or reductionist way.
But all the answers are inside.
So if we're having a struggle.
The answer is always two.
Be willing to let resistance go.
You know,
To lodge more truly.
In yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah,
And I can feel the heartbreak with this,
And how hard it is for us to Just.
.
.
You know,
Believe that we're valuable,
Believe that we're precious.
And at the same time to realize that we're a work in progress.
So we can either think,
Oh,
We got it all,
So nah,
Or else we're just the worst miserable sinners.
You know.
You're so precious.
You're just so precious in yourselves,
Just as you are.
And that's where all the answers are for your lives,
You guys.
And all somebody like.
Me does is I make you,
I help you feel safe enough.
To admit the truth of you.
Really,
That's it.
Really,
That's it.
To teach us.
Safe enough to admit the truth.
Yeah.
Yeah,
And we have these struggles,
You know.
And of course we do.
We have all this patterning coming from other lives.
There's no error,
There's no mistake,
Wherever you are in the journey is just of a respected place.
Yeah.
But if you can just learn to go.
A little bit.
Oh,
Is there anything that I'm doing that's blocking me.
Is there anything that I'm carrying that's getting in the way?
Yeah not you know not with any blame not with any self-blame just kind of Yeah.
You know.
Hafiz has a poem about you know,
How much the sun and the earth love each other and They never,
You know,
This,
The.
The sun never thinks,
Oh,
I give light to the earth and what am I getting back?
Everything sets way,
Yeah.
Our true natures are like that.
Yeah,
And they become happy when we free ourselves.
To be able to.
To be able to express our true natures.
Right,
Okay,
You got that.
This is great.
I feel this landed.
In you exactly the way I hoped it would.
Yeah.
Somebody just crossed their arms when I said that.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yeah.
This is why,
You know,
Words,
They get clumsy.
But anyway.
Bless your heart.
So today is R.
Early memory.
Our dream time,
And also We will be moving into what we feel is our greatest strength and what we feel is our greatest fault.
But before I begin that,
I'm going to ask all the people,
If there's anybody who has not come forward,
With their first memory.
A memory of their first dream.
To come forward.
Wants to come forward.
There's everybody spoken.
Susan,
Have you given your,
I can't remember.
No,
I haven't.
I haven't been to one of the Saturday Satsangs around dreams and memories.
So I'm here today for the first time.
Yeah.
Do you remember an early dream,
Like really,
Really early or really early memories?
Yeah.
It's funny.
Yeah.
I don't know how old I was.
Somewhere between.
Like five and eight.
I don't know.
Maybe around six or seven.
I don't know.
But I really,
I had,
Wait,
Wait,
Wait,
Wait,
Stop.
Is that?
Yeah.
Oh,
Probably.
Well,
Yeah,
Well,
I have early memories.
I can tell you an early memory.
Let's start with that.
Yeah,
Your earliest memory.
Yeah.
I remember.
Well,
It was a period of time when I would be sleeping in a crib,
So I'm not sure how old that is,
Like maybe two.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I remember I could climb out.
And.
Yeah,
I was a really good climber and I remember climbing out and trying to go into my parents room and they had like locked me out and I remember them trying to keep me contained.
At night.
And it felt like.
Like,
At that time,
I felt okay,
But also felt like rejection,
You know,
Like,
I didn't understand their fear of that type of like,
Closeless and sleeping and stuff like that.
But I do remember that.
And I I think I climbed out and then climbed back in when I couldn't get in their room.
Bye.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay,
That's your first moment.
So you know,
In our memory,
There's our core wounding is right in there.
Like a pattern of our lives,
Right?
Great.
Ah,
Sweetie.
You know,
In,
In simple societies and for thousands and thousands of years humans just all cuddled together.
And there's part of us that is primed for that.
There's some really subtle patterns that are asking for that.
So when we're not,
Say,
Allowed in the parents' bed,
There's a dissonance in our psyches with it and a dissonance with these patterns of human experience.
And then you.
You climb back into your crib all by yourself.
That's just so sweet.
So like,
You know,
That fierce independence stayed with me.
And I also recognize like,
The mammalian warmth of touch wasn't really present in my you know,
Family,
Like there's real.
And so then like with my daughter,
I did the opposite.
You know,
Like.
Home birth,
She slept in my bed forever,
You know,
Like.
I reckon,
You know,
I'm consciously aware of The.
Lack of like a nurturing family like you know I I'm okay with it.
Well,
I mean,
Like,
It definitely was a veil over a lot of my life.
And it's hard to like,
You know,
Hard to feel close to people,
But I've been really working on it.
And like coming to Satsang has really healed it.
And Especially when you say things like,
You know,
We all want to return to our mother's love,
But there's no greater love than Ama.
And that just changed everything for me.
And then I could just see my mom as like this hurt animal that she is.
And it's okay.
It's okay,
You know,
She didn't get it either.
Right.
So,
Right.
But I but it's like,
But I have this gathering I have you I have,
It's like it's bigger,
Like I want to it's,
It's bigger and better.
And I even tell my daughter like,
I'm just gonna be like,
You're gonna get more fulfillment from God,
Then I can give you I'm doing my best,
But I'm flawed,
You know,
So keep asking for more from there and ask for me,
You know,
Like,
And it's just true.
Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well,
I want to say my hat off.
For that dispassion.
And that.
Bigger understanding.
Yeah,
You get dispassionate with this bigger understanding,
Just like what Susan said,
It's sort of like,
Yeah,
We know we're flawed and,
But almost there for,
It's wonderful.
Uh huh.
There's so many,
There's so many great teachers and like,
She's like,
My daughter's really into Ram Dass right now.
And I'm like,
It's all wonderful.
It's just wonderful.
We're so lucky.
We're so blessed.
We have so many like,
Teachers.
That can help us,
You know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That fellow I recommended.
In my email,
He says,
That there's more help,
There are more helpers.
On the earth right now than there are human beings.
Because it's such an important time.
I think that you can.
8 billion helpers,
8 billion angels.
They really wouldn't surprise me.
It makes sense to me that it might be that way.
Yeah.
For where we are and what we need.
Yeah,
Good.
Yeah.
It's good.
Okay.
Um,
There's a little bit of a subtlety,
Though,
That I'm going to draw attention to.
Now in your,
In the,
Memory.
You go and you,
You know,
Try to get into your parents' room,
Kent,
And you come back.
Into your crib.
Okay,
So I just What I want you to do increasingly as you are able Pay attention to the part of your experience that does not fit into the box.
Okay,
So what you said is really true.
To me like it's and I honor it.
But I also know that when that child came back to her crib,
She would have felt a little bit of a resignation,
A little bit of a despair underneath her,
Well,
This is just the way it is.
Right.
Busted.
Right.
Absolutely.
I mean,
It was,
It was like,
I definitely felt heartbreak.
And so then my,
Um,
My response was fierce independence and then I've carried that through my life too far.
It's all on me.
I have to do everything.
I'm the parent.
I'm,
You know,
That's,
And I get it because that was so,
It was confusing.
And like heartbreaking in that it was Yeah,
It didn't make sense to me.
I didn't understand it.
Right,
Right,
Right.
Yeah.
And something wrong with me.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
That's very,
Very beautiful.
And I'm gonna be asking I'm asking.
Amma,
The creator,
And angels to come in,
Particularly to help you with this.
Level of understanding to help you embrace these issues.
These,
The wobbliness in you,
I'll call it the wobbliness.
Right.
Right,
And with great self compassion,
It's kind of like you could learn great self-compassion this life.
You were the one who crossed your arms.
I know you know.
It's like right here.
Yeah,
Yeah.
So this is,
Yeah,
I just want to somehow give you more permission to have it not all sewn up always and to be able to embrace these wobbles,
Because this knowledge comes from Premasuddha's embrace of the wobbles.
And,
You know,
Susan,
You're very gifted at this.
You know,
You're gifted at it,
You know?
You can trust.
I love it.
Yeah.
That's it.
You know,
If we love it,
It's because we're gifted at it.
Whatever we're gifted at,
We love.
That's it.
I mean,
The soul's got the go ahead sign.
Go this way.
Yeah,
Exactly.
OK.
Good and I can feel that you're really more willing.
Embrace yourselves.
And immensely a big shift into more willingness than when.
I first met you.
Bye.
It's night and day.
It is.
Yeah,
It is.
Yeah yeah this brings more light to the whole earth you guys when one of us drops our stuff more light comes to the whole human race Okay,
So go on with your next,
What you were saying,
It was your first dream that you remember?
So go with that one,
Whatever.
Okay.
I do remember my brother.
The next memory would be my brother.
I have an older brother two years older.
But I was,
You know,
Precocious.
So I kept him on his heels.
I feel sorry for him.
Because like I developed fast and he's slow,
You know,
But anyhow,
He had bunk beds.
And we used to like sleep in his room together.
And I just remember how charming that was.
To have a brother.
And a sibling into like.
He didn't reject me.
I got to sleep in his room.
You know,
On the,
We might fight over the top or the foot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then I,
Yeah.
And then my sister came five years later for me and I didn't like her.
So that was.
I didn't like not being the youngest anymore.
And then I kind of got smushed.
He got to have all the attention.
Yeah,
So I remember that.
But the dream I remember.
.
.
Um I mean,
It was like really powerful.
And I remembered taking a nap with my dad in my bed and I had like a queen size bed and this was like unusual.
Like I don't know why this was happening.
I can't remember.
But I or maybe I dreamt he was sleeping with me like this.
It's a bit like that.
But I remember I was really into fairy tales.
Like I used to stay up late at night with a flashlight reading Aesop's Fables and all of it.
So I was probably really into Peter Pan and I remember astral projecting and like going to London and I could do this kind of at will.
And I could travel.
Like the world.
And generally it was at night.
So it was like seeing lights.
And I just remember that.
Absolute feeling of like Freedom and power.
And it was just wild.
Yeah.
Guess so.
And then I don't know when I stopped doing it.
You're doomed.
Yeah.
Was your dad like,
Was it like feeling support?
Like safe enough?
I love my dad.
My dad was like,
Um.
.
.
So my mom was the one who's constricted and doesn't touch.
You know she was her mother was an alcoholic but they were all very like neat and tidy you know what I mean like southern genteel shit and my dad came from more of a you know,
Working class background,
But like,
You know,
He was valedictorian and like did really well,
But he was really tall and super handsome.
And he Um.
.
.
Could light up a room.
He was funny.
Like when you want to joke,
I wish my dad was here because he would have one for you.
And they would just be the lamest jokes and the funniest part when he would laugh at him.
Do you know what I mean?
He would laugh at his own jokes.
So yeah,
I felt like I he was like,
I mean,
He could be volatile and unpredictable kind of.
Um.
You know,
Whatever,
But he was really.
I feel really blessed that both my parents were really into having a family.
That's what they wanted.
They wanted to make a family.
And I felt.
.
.
Even though there was like this weird distance with like not hugging and weird like.
You know,
Emotional disability in my family.
At the same time,
I felt like They were really into it.
Like for instance,
My mom would go all out on my birthday parties,
You know.
Like we like I grew up like that.
My dad would put he was in the army in college.
He was like,
ROTC,
Whatever.
He put his army boots in the fireplace that Santa left his shoes.
Like they were it was like,
Like They were into it,
You know,
Matt,
Like.
Really into it.
Magic.
There was a bit of magic to it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's really cool.
It's how your how your mom would be able to show our love right would be through the birthday party.
Yeah,
Yeah,
It's all action with my mom all of it.
Yeah,
Like,
Um,
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well,
I don't know much that I just think that's beautiful little five year old astral traveling.
Right.
Yeah,
It's like Tinkerbell,
Man.
I believe all that stuff.
Yeah,
Really.
The real life Tinkerbell,
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so like all these books I had,
So my mom was a huge reader.
They were her books,
Like all these,
And I still have them.
They were books she read as a child,
All those fables and fairy tales.
And,
Um,
Yeah,
You know,
Einstein said,
If you want intelligent children,
Let them read fairy tales,
Because they activate our higher spiritual intelligence.
This is what I feel.
I read them like this too,
Susan.
I would have a flashlight in my bed.
And I read them till I was 12 pretty obsessively along with other things.
But so I'm reading about concentration camps.
And I'd be reading about fairy tales,
Both things.
Yeah,
Yeah,
Yeah.
May we all be sprinkled with fairy dust with this,
And may what Susan spoke of give us more courage to just open the windows of our minds,
The doors and windows of our minds.
So how do you feel right now,
Susan?
I feel really happy.
You've really been received.
I feel like,
You know.
Yeah.
And I like I love that memory of being close to my dad because you know I turned into a really volatile,
Difficult teenager and I made it really hard for that,
You know,
And it's just It was like that that period of time with the young family that's like so magical and beautiful and then like dealing with older children and,
You know,
It just.
Um.
.
.
Changes.
And I gave my dad passed away a couple of years ago.
And I,
You know,
I gave him really hard time.
I feel bad about it.
When he was passing away,
You mean?
No,
Well,
I wish.
.
.
Before he died,
I wish I'd been kinder and been.
.
.
More available and more like physically present.
Like my sister had moved in and she and I had like a problem so I just didn't go around.
I wish I'd said more.
I wish I'd helped him more.
In transitioning.
I mean,
That's all.
You'll be hearing this,
Sweetie.
We'll be hearing you,
You know,
You can.
Yeah,
I get it.
But you know,
It's like,
Okay,
There you're boxed.
There it is.
Okay.
Okay,
There.
Yes.
Okay.
Okay.
Yes.
Okay.
Susan.
They are so available.
100% available to us to speak to them and receive them.
What their saying back to us and it is totally possible for all of this to be healed.
And so you feel as if.
You know,
You gave him a wonderful send-off,
Tina.
I'll tell you,
Because this is what Premasutha has done with her parents.
Okay,
But this is.
Maybe,
You know,
We'll take some work for the little child who's been who's heading back to her crib.
To really get a.
.
.
Handle.
But especially if you like astral travel,
Sweetie,
Like you have a talent.
You would have a talent.
To hear what they do,
To contact them.
Right,
Okay,
You can see the logic of that.
Yeah.
Okay.
This is where I can find you guys I can use.
It's the logic coming from the expanded understanding.
It's all very logical,
Really.
Right.
Okay,
Good.
Okay.
So you're feeling more permission.
This is really good.
It's like in order to communicate with them,
Which I totally feel that you could totally easily do this.
You would have to embrace a deeper part of you that's covered in fear right now.
It's like fear of knowing too much.
It's like when you were like you're growing,
It's like as you grew and understood more,
You became more unruly.
Do you see what I mean?
It was in a way more pleasant when you knew less as a little kid and you were just flowing along with the family.
So you're running a little bit of that,
But I just,
It's sort of like,
I feel like I'm giving you honorable permission.
It's like not just permission,
But honorable permission for you to know what you don't know.
And this is for all of you guys in the satsang.
All what you are keeping.
Away from yourself,
That you are overlooking,
That you're not admitting,
That you're not seeing,
You have honorable permission.
To gently open.
And embrace this material and allow it to be used to serve the highest good for you and for all of humanity.
All right,
This is great.
Susan,
I can feel you really understand the level of these words.
It's sort of like there's honey in these words,
And you're getting it.
Right.
I feel it going all the way down.
Right.
You know what I mean?
It's,
It's like,
I can feel it all the way down in my core,
Like,
Like,
Usually,
Like the openings here,
And then it goes all the way down.
Like,
All the way down.
Yeah,
Because I usually stop it.
I usually stop it at my navel.
Like,
That's where like,
I'll And now it's late.
Okay,
Maybe it would be at the navel because you grew in your mom's body.
Our bodies,
Even as kids,
Are influenced by our mum's material.
Okay,
So it's moving paths.
You moving into truth past your mother's more boxed example.
You.
Moving into fuller truth and when it comes down to your feet you can walk it you guys.
It,
Yeah.
This is very good.
So beautiful,
Susan.
Yeah,
And all of you.
The amount of freedom possible.
There is no ceiling,
You guys.
Just keep bumbling along.
And what Susan's demonstrated today.
Is exactly what I was talking about.
About being willing to Allow the changes to take place within you.
Because that is what works.
And when,
Like just what Susan's doing,
Making.
Allowing change to happen within her container,
Within her transmitter.
It will mean that all messages come to her more clearly.
She receives more clearly and also she will give more clearly.
So static will be reduced.
Right,
And all of you by witnessing this.
Are doing it too on some levels,
Even if you don't.
Doesn't feel like it by witnessing you're being very influenced by it,
And since we're all one,
Especially in the satsang,
There's levels that were all going along with it.
What I find miraculous is how little Susan argues with me.
Ah,
That is a thing that's so.
Yeah.
Compared to you know with with where you were when you came.
And that's kind of just a humorous aside,
You guys.
That's just my humanity coming through,
You know?
I can argue if you want.
Not really.
Yeah.
Yeah,
There's no point really is there arguing.
Yeah,
That was a wonderful shift.
Is there?
Yeah.
Yeah,
I feel like there's something that you're going to be dropping around your belly as a result of this.
A little bit of I don't want to put too many words to it.
It's just a little bit of.
It's actually,
I'll tell you what it is.
It's actually kind of like a little child's belief in monsters.
It's like a little bit of fear that has been running in you.
And it's like,
You just are dropping this.
Yeah.
And you will,
You know,
You may.
You're going to have to integrate it,
But you're increasingly going to see that you're going to be able to see through your fear.
You're going to get more skilled at it more kind of.
Able to look at it almost with humor.
Right,
And there's no rush.
And you don't even have to do this.
So some of you guys,
You get like,
You've got this rebellious thing in you sometimes.
You don't even have to,
It's okay.
Yeah,
That's it.
Yeah,
And I see a lot of light coming to your belly now.
And this is for all of us,
And we're all doing this.
But when you have.
It's like when you have someone who's walked the journey.
Witnessing.
Your emotional patterning and the the chaos is in it and the.
.
.
Misunderstandings.
When you have somebody who's done that already for themselves and they witness you.
They can help this return to the original order that the soul intended much more quickly.
See,
You would get,
You would,
We all evolve gradually,
But it might take us thousands and thousands,
Thousands of lives.
But when you have a competent witness who's done this work.
Your integrity,
The possibility of moving into integrity becomes much quicker.
Much quicker.
Yeah so that is how this works things so it's like having a magnet that is helping your the little chaoses and misunderstandings.
To be dropped so you can move into your soul energy.
And of course,
The biggest magnet in the world is Amma.
Yeah,
A little bit of a.
Mothering input from another Westerner,
Yeah.
Okay,
Good.
Is there anything else?
See you soon.
Um I think I'm just feeling actually my father's energy right now.
In like a really,
It's like beautiful.
J Ma.
Good.
Yeah,
That's good.
Okay,
Good.
Okay,
I'm just gonna leave you with that.
Yeah,
I think I'm just really enjoying.
Yeah,
Just be with it.
Okay,
Is there anybody else who hasn't spoken about dreams or early memories?
Maybe all of you have.
And if we've all done that,
Is there anybody who wants to come forward with what they feel is their greatest strength?
And their greatest fault.
And the reason I'm saying it,
I'm wanting this is because they will be the other side of the same coin,
You guys,
You cannot have your greatest strength without your greatest fault.
They go together.
But I'm just wanting you to speak of it.
First of all,
To kind of admit it and share it,
But also because it might give Pramasutha an opportunity to assist a bigger self-recognition.
And that's what I want.
I want you guys to move into a bigger,
Recognition.
Of your day.
True self.
And the value of your true self.
And that even if there's something being covered by the ego,
It does not take away from the true self.
And it's nothing to be criticized.
It's just that premasutha helps you take off this ego coat.
So with some of you,
I have to loudly point out where you're wearing it.
But there's never any criticism or judgment at all.
Yeah,
OK,
Good.
There's a bit of more safety coming about admitting this stuff.
I'll speak about myself,
You guys.
When I was in the psych ward decades ago,
I was asked,
As part of some therapeutic thing,
Was a good thing about myself.
And what I said was,
The good thing was that I was a really good friend.
And I had never realized that before.
But the quality of my friendship,
Even when I was snoozing.
Was very high.
Seeing it helped me.
And,
You know,
There's a little bit.
My worst flaw was really the extent to which I dissed myself.
Discounted and rejected myself.
Because it went beyond me.
It affected all the people around me.
That was my absolute worst.
And the which probably is hard to believe now.
I was really crippled.
The thing was,
The fact it was so extreme,
This quality in me.
Made it so that I basically had to step forward on this healing path in a really sincere way if I wanted any life at all.
See,
So the worst fault turned into a good thing because I had basically no choice except to allow it to be healed because it was just so good.
Terrible.
And it just showed the extent that I've been deluded by my ego,
You know.
But it got me stepping forward on this path.
So it all turns into a good thing.
It actually all turns into a good thing.
Your greatest strength is obviously,
But your greatest flaw.
In the really big picture.
It will be enormously important.
And it'll be the other side of.
Your strength.
So as a friend,
You see,
With this self,
Not serving myself,
I had the tremendous ability actually to give myself to other people in a really,
Really,
Really Always.
It's like I serve them far beyond myself.
But of course,
As I learned to love my own true self better,
I became actually a far Truer.
Friend of of those who stuck around.
Because,
You know,
We can't really love anybody more than we love ourselves.
These,
This is,
You know,
The,
Because the West were so body based,
Our emotional IQs are very unsettled.
Then they're not developed.
Our emotional understanding is very undeveloped.
But as you become more non-attached,
As you rise and become more non-attached to the earth plane,
What I'm talking about,
About the emotional part of humanity will become.
Simpler and more obvious and like,
Yeah,
Duh.
Yeah,
And that's when your emotional IQ is rising.
And you start seeing what I'm seeing.
Okay,
It's good.
There's an energy of forbidding in the group.
It's like it's kind of a forbidding that's like,
Um it's it's like um Please.
Not allowed to come forward.
This is such a beautiful thing.
Too transparent to speak this way.
So I have felt this before lots of times working with you guys where,
You know,
It was verboten from your ego.
So I'm just going to be working with this energetically to assist the clearing.
For my students.
Yeah,
Judy,
Sweet one.
I was hesitant to come forward,
But I want to do this because I don't think I can really separate them.
Best quality from greatest quality.
Non-quality or whatever you want to say.
Only because they seem so relieved.
I feel as if my greatest gift is I really do deep down somewhere way down in there.
I believe in myself.
I really do.
But then I think my greatest fault has been.
Are my greatest.
I don't remember what you called it,
But.
The shapeshifting I've done through all my life so that that person who I really trust and know is awesome is,
As you mentioned to me once before,
Under the tire of some big truck somewhere.
And I don't even know if,
I don't even know.
If what I'm telling you is my soul or my ego.
It's hard to know.
Right.
Okay,
Good.
Okay,
Good,
Good,
Good,
Good.
And that will.
Resound with everybody because everybody feels that sometimes don't know if it's a soul or ego.
Yep.
Okay,
Good.
So.
.
.
Tell me again,
The strongest.
Thing is your belief in the self,
And then the trouble is.
.
.
You know that's where you feel like run over by a heavy truck yeah with tire marks on you it's like to know I think I've spent my whole life.
Shapeshifting as a good as Carolyn Mace would say,
But.
Always trusting the people around me more than I trust myself.
And so I don't even know who that person I believe in so much.
I think she's going to be awesome.
She's under a lot of layers.
Yeah.
So.
And that,
Again,
I know will be understood by everybody.
So how does it feel to live life like this?
Heavy,
Exhausting.
And also,
It feels good.
Feels like a lie.
It feels false.
I'm not living that now so much,
But as I recall my life.
Of my formative years,
My professional years,
They were filled with all of that,
Trying to,
You know,
Find the group I belong to,
Find to get people who wanted to.
Me to be with them as much as I wanted to be with them.
That kind of thing that I didn't need to do at all.
But now it's like,
Who am I?
I think I'm.
I'm just not there yet.
I still look through the eyes of what everyone else is wanting to see.
Uh,
Yeah.
Yeah,
But coming out of it is just realizing that you're still seeing through the eyes of everybody.
Like that's your stepping beyond it is.
Feeling that you still do that,
You know,
Witnessing yourself still do that.
And it's a habit.
Yeah,
I can feel your lack of trust.
It's like,
So tell me again about you and your mama.
Because.
.
.
I can feel that there's some safety to be yourself that you just didn't have with her.
Well,
Susan's discussion.
Thank you,
Susan,
For all of your input today.
It made me stop a moment and think about my dad who's gone.
I thought to myself,
How come you never stood up for me?
With mom,
Never.
I get it.
He didn't.
I don't know,
I think he was one of those people who lived on a higher plane.
And he just.
People who lived here from a higher plane.
So like.
And I say that because he always struck me growing up as being so wise,
And so kind.
Spiritual,
Like He would always make choices that reflected a wisdom and a compassion for the greater good.
It's a good way of putting it.
Yeah,
But he could have,
You see,
He could have been doing that and totally messing up on the emotional level where you're speaking and you're saying he's higher and I'm saying he's not.
Interesting.
Yeah,
It's like he that he was blinkered.
So he was,
You know,
Living as honorably as he could,
But he was blinkered and maybe he was scared to stand up to his wife.
Oh,
She was hard to stand up to.
She was.
Yeah,
Yeah.
So maybe he was just too scared to,
It was easier to just allow you to be like sacrificed and to like Maybe he was in the same boat we were.
He could have been in the same boat we were.
That's what I'm saying.
So how is he higher than you?
It's like he's in the same boat.
Experiences with him and put him on a higher level.
A good example,
We were traveling in the South one time in the 60s.
We stopped to eat somewhere along the way and the restaurant was empty.
We came in,
We sat down,
We ordered our food and then a black family came in.
They wanted to sit down and the person greeting them said,
You can't come in here.
And my dad just said,
Kids were leaving.
And so we all just left.
We didn't order.
We didn't eat,
Because that was against what he knew was right and good.
So that's what I'm saying,
Those kinds of things.
Yeah,
Yeah,
Yeah.
It's good.
But somebody can do all those things and still be a little clued out at the level that we're speaking at.
They could be cleared out on primal levels.
But when he died,
I really struggled because I missed him so much,
Until one night I had this dream,
It was so real,
And he was sitting around this big table with dozens of other people.
I know how to use giant books in front of them.
And in my mind and dream,
Those were the books of goodness.
And he got to the end of his book.
Because he died at age 49.
So he just closed his book.
Like,
I have achieved what I came here to do.
I'm done.
That I never missed him again.
Yes,
I mean,
It's wonderful.
I mean,
It sounds wonderful.
Maybe he was a really old soul who was completing with not much to do and Even on the earth plane,
You guys,
Even when we cycle off,
Like completely finished,
It's still approximate.
The person still has blind spots and frailties.
It's like it's all approximate on the earth plane.
Like,
If you listen to The fellow I sent the videos from,
He says that we take on this really,
Really,
Really heavy,
Heavy,
Heavy veil to reduce our vibration.
To zilch compared to where we are in truth.
Like it's a very heavy,
Heavy,
Heavy,
Dulling,
Numbing.
Making us deaf and blind to the truth of us.
So even approximate.
On the earth plane.
Is considered 100%,
But Judy?
The thing I just,
I.
.
.
Kent.
You keep running from this.
I'm wanting to help you embrace your true identity.
True divine feminine nature.
And you don't think it's as good as the masculine.
So it's hard,
You don't even engage with it really.
You sidestep it all the time.
What I'm trying to.
.
.
Bring it to you.
It's like.
.
.
This belief that the male is superior to the female.
Instinctive,
Feminine,
Emotional,
You know,
The emotional is so discounted.
It's kind of why we're in such a mess,
You guys.
We discount the emotional level.
So deeply along with our in the true feminine nature we're discounting it so we end up crippling ourselves actually You're right.
One time he did get really angry with me because I was crying.
And he said that I'm always a leaky faucet.
Right.
Okay.
That is,
That is.
That is basically.
The wall that you struggle with.
Do you remember what you were crying about?
Yeah,
That was Easter morning.
My mom.
Had a lot of issues,
But she was amazing.
And she had made dresses for my sister and me matching dresses for Easter Sunday with big wide headbands.
It was the style.
Thank God,
Because with five siblings.
She said Judy.
After I bathed the boys,
And I was in fourth grade,
So I was nine,
And she said,
I'm going to trim your bangs.
I know how busy she was the night before Easter,
Getting everything ready.
And I thought I was being a good person by helping her.
So I decided to trim my bangs for her.
And they went a little uphill.
So I thought,
I better try again.
They went a little more uphill.
And before long,
I was left with a stub this high,
This long.
And so the solution was for me to wear the headband lower on my forehead.
And that was okay,
But of course we all stand,
The usual traditional family photo in front of the house,
All of us standing there,
And I was just mortified at that.
And I cried because I was going to get my picture taken looking like that.
I didn't want to.
Said so yeah so you can so it's understandable in a way.
Why he was fierce,
Right?
Because it was like,
Come on,
Kid,
Just let the photo be taken.
But for you,
It was like.
I'm not allowed to.
Have my experience.
I'm not allowed to.
Feel what I feel.
Also,
If someone.
Express anything other than anger at my attempt at Big.
Of service to her.
That never happened.
I was just so mad at me.
And I get,
Could you say that you were wanting to help?
I guess you just couldn't even get it out or yeah,
Right.
You guys,
This is a heaviness that many,
Many,
Many people live with.
And take on and then do to themselves.
You know,
In a way,
There's no one to blame,
Right?
Like,
In a way,
Like it's kind of The whole situation is so understandable.
But you have a wonderful sense of dignity and selfhood.
Like that's what I take,
If I were you,
I would take.
From.
That,
Your helpful nature and then also just your dignity and selfhood that you would feel then.
Embarrassed about the whole thing.
I think another piece that I would like to get more loving for myself about though is.
In episodes like that.
Whether I'm looking back,
I want to stop you sidestep the power of what I said.
You sidestep any.
Allowing that to really bind you and help transfer you and you went to want to tell me about something else,
Which is okay,
But I'm just drawing attention.
You do You kind of do to me what your dad did to you.
This is how it works,
You guys.
Okay,
And there's this sourness there.
It's kind of like,
Yeah,
Life.
Life goes sour when we see what we're doing,
Actually,
When we really When we get down to this level,
You guys,
Life can feel sort of sour and uncomfortable,
But it is just the complexes that make us feel that way.
And it lifts.
Okay,
Judy,
I want you to say,
I am unwilling Prama Sutta.
I am unwilling,
Pramasura.
Yeah,
You are.
You are.
That's the bottom line.
It's okay.
This is how it is when people start out.
Hands up.
No.
It's like somebody waiting two years to go to a gourmet restaurant and then having the dinner put in front of them and then refusing to eat it.
It is exactly that what people do with this work.
Sometimes.
Oh,
Sweetie,
Yeah,
I mean.
.
.
You know.
You're scared of facing this stuff because you know that you're going to feel some very heavy,
Uncomfortable feelings of shame and grief.
And like that,
But especially the shame is gonna come up,
I can feel it.
You mean.
You're just scared about it and you don't feel safe enough.
To contain it.
You know,
Contain it and allow it to heal and you're just new,
Like,
Do you see,
Of course it's like that.
You know,
Back when Susan first came,
Like some of this reminds me of working with you,
Susan.
It's all what it's like.
There's no fault and it can change very quickly if you just don't run,
Judy.
Just don't run this time.
And you can have yourself.
How do you feel right now?
I feel.
Like heat in my stomach,
But more than that,
I.
Felt that whole,
You've seen me do this before where.
I will try to apologize to you for wasting your time or for taking too much of your time.
And I felt myself wanting to express that right now.
I did not.
So that was good.
Yeah,
Because.
.
.
It's,
You're always worth my time.
You're always worth the time of everyone here.
Yeah,
This stuff takes a lot of courage to look at.
And it can be very uncomfortable.
But we're,
You know,
It's awakening on the earth.
This is our time.
To awaken.
And to heal the feminine and to make room for her so she can come in.
And we balance.
Our existence on earth.
Right,
Okay,
Good.
Without her.
Or screwed.
It's true.
It's really,
Really true.
Because it's her,
It's her.
It's the feminine that is going to bring us to this love and respect of the earth.
And of our true natures that will return everything to balance.
That's it.
That's it.
And I feel it can come in very powerfully through even just a few individuals doing it.
It's just like,
You know,
Sages would say that it is the quality of intention with which we do things.
Rather than the outcome.
And it's the quality of intention of the teacher and the people involved.
That determine.
The impact on the earth,
Whether thousands of people.
Are participating or not.
Even if just a few are participating.
It brings this energy to the earth plane.
Okay,
You can get that.
I can feel you've got a higher soul intelligence.
That has been knocking on your door.
And you love it when you get glimmers of this bigger understanding.
And I can feel that you're allowing.
Your more soul intelligence to come in.
And that's how we grow out of learned helplessness.
We see how stupid it is.
We see how immensely powerful we are.
We were never helpless.
That's it.
And it would have happened that way because it's where belief systems you brought into this lifetime.
Coming from other lives.
Actually,
You're doing beautiful work right now,
Judy.
Yeah,
I know.
Who knew,
Eh?
Now it's true.
This is it.
It's effortless when you do it.
It just is.
It's non-doing.
You're hearing me.
You're receiving the energy.
That's it.
The great thing about the feminine face of God is that understanding can come in very gently in this embracing way without a lot of tumult.
Without drama,
Just coming in.
So,
And Judy,
I'm gonna ask you how you feel and you don't have to confirm what I say at all or.
Or say that you've been feeling it or anything.
Just be very truthful about where you are.
I feel as if.
I want to.
I can feel.
Whether it's the male side,
And I don't know,
But all of these little brain things want to reach out and think about this and how this affects me.
But I keep wanting to just bring it in here,
Like,
Stop thinking about mom or dad.
Think about this,
Where Judy is.
That's what I'm thinking.
Okay,
Good.
And what I'm wanting you to do is to even drop the doer in that and just be with it.
Be with the pole to think about dad or mom or everything.
And be with the pole to say,
No,
Come inside.
Just be with it all.
There's part of you that's saying to me,
I'm too fragile for this.
But you're not.
And even as you're saying it to me,
There's this very subtle light that is dawning for you.
There's part of you that just thinks you'll die if you really get what I'm talking about and in a way you will,
Like your ego will die,
You know?
So the ego knows it's going to die,
So it gives us feelings.
Oh no,
Can't do this,
Verboten,
Not allowed.
Or it makes our minds very busy.
It's a very safe process.
That's it.
What a dear little munchkin you are,
Helping your mom.
And then.
And then the dignity you had.
And then saving that moment for posterity.
You're saving that moment for posterity?
Oh,
And yeah,
At the time,
Yeah,
Right,
That you'd remember,
Or we'd be talking about it now.
I know.
I mean,
When I think back,
I mean,
North American life in the 50s,
60s,
It had this kind of mechanistic,
Like a factory and family sometimes,
Just like with your mom doing five outfits and everybody looking the same and the picture in front of the house.
Oh,
It must have been just exhausting.
And I think that's the,
That is.
What I grew up thinking was.
The expected lifestyle.
Yeah,
We do.
You're right.
Yeah,
We do.
Yeah.
It's okay.
And we can become anything we want to be as long as we don't give up the things everybody else wants us to be.
Is what.
It evolved to for me.
There's a Scottish psychiatrist who was popular in the 70s,
RD Lang,
And he's got a book on knots.
Knots in the family,
Where,
You know,
The mother is saying something verbally,
But then something underneath,
Something totally different underneath.
You know,
And how we've got these emotional knots with these,
You know,
What's said,
Overtly,
But then what's spoken subconsciously,
You know,
So.
You know,
Everybody,
I mean.
So yeah,
All this sweetie is just the human condition.
It's just like it's not bad or good.
It is what's operating.
And as we do this work,
We deepen.
And we see more and just witnessing it.
And feeling the upset about it,
But just witnessing it.
Seeing,
Seeing the truth of actually how we're living.
We're living in such small ways,
You guys.
We're so small.
We're like these immortal,
Immense,
Genius energies.
Pretending to be human and we've all been taught to be blind,
Deaf and dumb,
You know,
And that stupidity is safer than,
You know.
Moving into truth.
But nowadays,
The stupidity is getting so high,
It's unsafe.
I wrote about this,
Maybe I mentioned it,
About the where there was a bungee jumping company and the girl was thrown off the cliff and nobody noticed that she wasn't wearing a safety harness.
So the degree of denial and numbing out to the mother nature inside the people involved the girl,
The workers,
And the husband who is videotaping it.
The degree to which they're asleep is extreme.
But this is what is no long,
It's not safe.
We're getting just so ridiculously numbed out.
You'd think that if you were being thrown over a cliff,
You'd notice that you weren't wearing a safety harness.
All this work is,
Is coming back to the sanity of tapping into the Mother Nature within you.
The Mother Nature in you is also God.
It's also your common sense.
It's also your.
Feeling of truth.
And of freedom.
Yeah.
And it's not a head.
Process.
We can't get there through our heads.
So we have to include the data of our hearts.
The blueprint for who you were born to be is in the child that you were.
That's why it's so important to.
Love your inner child.
Because that's where your true nature is.
And this is the process,
Judy,
Your deeper understanding of what happened to you and compassion for the child that you were.
Who is stuck in that situation.
You know,
Understanding,
A compassionate understanding for your parents.
But first of all,
Compassion for you first.
And out of that will come compassion for your parents.
You're saying to me,
I'm very hard on myself.
Yes,
I know.
And it was premisudes.
Worst fault too.
That's why I hope you guys love yourselves,
Right?
Do you get it?
It's because what I had trouble with,
This is how teachers work.
Yeah,
It's all the same.
Sometimes there's nothing much to say,
It's just to be with ourselves,
You know.
Just let this all reverberate.
And it will change all of us.
The good thing is things are speeding up,
So.
It's falling off more easily.
But even then,
It can feel like a struggle.
I know you guys.
But if you just understand the thickness of the veil you took on before birth.
Just get that.
And that,
You know,
When I talk about the.
Yeah,
Laura,
Do you want to say something?
I tend to see that.
Yeah.
And I risk something else and bounce it off.
I need some,
I'm not sure what the greatest weakness I have.
But bye.
And the band.
But I'm also quick to judge and be hard on myself and others.
And the greatest strength is that I don't give up.
No matter what.
Right.
And the two things are totally connected.
And the thing that connects them,
Laura?
Is.
There is a need for surrender.
The never giving up.
And being a fighter and judging,
They're all,
It's all.
It's all.
Coming from.
Not wanting to surrender to your truth.
So even the strength is the neatest wonder.
Even the strength is coming from that seam.
Ego.
The refusal to give up is coming from the same ego.
The.
Judges.
All my work with you,
Sweetie.
Has been around where helping you,
Trying to help you surrender to truth.
Feel the truth.
Relax into the truth.
That you're loved.
No matter what,
Whether you're moving.
Houses or you feel you're upsetting people around you or you're arguing with your family about religious things like.
It doesn't matter.
You're just.
.
.
Infinitely.
You are so precious.
Just as you are.
You don't even have to change at all,
Just as you are.
All of you guys with all the egos just as you are right now.
You are infinitely precious.
And love just as you are.
Without having to make any kind of improvement.
And Laura,
It's hard because I know your mind is wonky,
But you keep trying to get hold of this whole issue or problem with your mind and it's not solvable there.
Yeah.
It's like it doesn't even have to be solved.
You're just already so precious and loved.
It's sort of like just for you to know that somehow,
If you could know that somehow.
By strength and not giving up.
I mean,
Keep reaching for Amma.
Keep doing support.
And peace be with you.
I know you do.
But there's the whole point on the spiritual journey to keep,
To never give up,
And to keep speaking to the teacher.
Is there's a point where you end up just surrendering.
Because there's nothing.
Possibly else to do,
Just hit the end of the road.
Can't take another step,
You can't take another breath.
Without just surrendering.
The whole thing just seems so hopeless and useless.
And impossible.
And you just.
Sort of Go,
OK.
It is this way.
Not in resignation.
But in acceptance.
It is this way.
It's impossible.
And then you will feel Ama's love,
The Creator's love,
My love.
Coming to you.
Like us.
Fresh mountain wind.
The cells.
Of your body will open.
And the soul within the cells of your body will be strengthened.
And some of the ego will get dumped out.
Laura,
It was understood on a soul level that you would get stuck here.
And you're being held even as you're stuck there.
You're stuck in this dynamic.
You're being held,
Comforted.
And helped.
To see that you cannot figure this out with your head.
This is what you need to see.
You cannot.
You could try for a million years.
With your head.
And it will all be for nothing.
What will all be changed in the moment that you just except it's impossible,
Except.
You just cannot see any kind of solution.
And yet there'll be something in you that takes the next breath.
And what is it that just keeps taking?
Your breath,
One breath in,
One breath out.
No matter how stuck we feel,
How much at the end of the road we feel,
There's something in us that just holds us and continues and breathes us.
You're being breathed by your soul.
You're not in control of your breath,
Laura.
Your soul breathes you.
You try to hold your breath.
That will fail.
So I would,
You know what,
I would even just start talking to the part of you that breathes you.
Which is your inner Amma,
But I would just even drop Amma's body,
Not even think about it,
Because we can get connected with the body consciousness that way.
Just think of what's breathing you.
Kind of talk to that part.
How do you feel right now?
I don't know.
I'm gonna watch the break.
I'm gonna listen to the recording.
So you're saying,
Okay,
You're saying,
I don't know.
And really,
What you're saying to me is,
I don't want to know from a student.
I refuse to know.
It's this part of the ego that you just don't want to go beyond.
So how do you feel when I say that?
I'm fierce.
Pardon?
And ears.
Yeah,
And part of you wants to stay confused rather than to get what I'm saying.
It's okay.
But it doesn't fool me.
I know that your soul is breathing you and your soul knows and actually you know.
It just,
For you,
It just feels too dangerous to come out of this.
But it's the opposite.
And this will resonate with other people in the satsang.
Laura,
It's not different.
It's the same for everybody.
It's this feeling like it's too dangerous to know what you know.
Let alone for you to speak it in front of a group.
It's like right now,
It's just too dangerous.
This can change in an instant.
I just gone blank.
I don't.
Yeah.
Yeah,
So just watch that.
And okay,
Like you guys,
Don't judge this,
Laura,
Just see it as this is what's coming up to be healed this part of you that will go into I don't know,
I'm confused.
I'm blank,
Rather than actually knowing the truth underneath.
Now,
This is what is epidemic in our culture,
Even among spiritual students.
So Laura,
There is no fault.
I have felt the same thing in me.
That's why I can see it.
Everybody will know it in themselves.
It just doesn't work,
Sweetie.
That's the thing.
It just brings constant,
Like,
The same replay and pain.
Just be with the results of all this and remember the focus on what breathes you and remember What is breathing you is pure love.
More.
Self-trust.
Doring,
You're a genius.
Knowing you're a treasure.
Knowing that you can never lose this,
Really.
We can forget by our egos,
But we never lose it.
We are always that.
Don't hang your head in shame about it,
Sweetie,
Please.
You're a brave soul.
Very brave soul.
Yeah.
Okay,
You guys.
It's time to end.
But remember,
I will be working with all of you.
I will work with all of you,
Specifically for,
Especially for a half hour after this.
Satsang.
All of the people involved,
Okay?
I will be working with all of you energetically.
To help you just integrate this all in.
Yeah.
And please,
No self-blame.
Don't do that.
Anything I see in you,
I've seen in myself.
We're all.
Yeah,
We're all here to learn.
Yeah.
