Chaos to Calm The chaos goes back to as far as I can remember.
I am the youngest of four children born to parents full of their own pain,
Their own resentments,
Their own unforgiveness,
Projecting it onto their children,
Creating a family dynamic of chaos and dysfunction,
Escaping the four walls of horror at the age of 18.
I was aware of the mental,
Emotional,
And physical pain ingrained into my psyche,
Onto my mind,
Into my body,
Soul,
And spirit.
It wouldn't be until years later I realized the true impact of what I experienced.
Marrying young,
Having a child young,
Divorcing young,
I didn't know how to create a healthy,
Wholesome family,
Or even what one looked like.
Going through the emotions of life,
Creating my own chaos and dysfunction,
Because it was familiar,
It was comfortable.
In 2008,
Three life-changing events took place within a six-month period.
Not knowing how to cope,
And with a little external support,
I subconsciously,
Unconsciously,
Turned to food.
It felt like one day,
I woke up,
And out of nowhere,
I had this very chaotic and dysfunctional relationship with food.
I recall wondering to myself,
What is happening to me?
What is wrong with me?
This is not normal.
After much research on my part,
I came to learn that what I was living,
What I was experiencing,
Was binge eating disorder.
I knew of no one with such a disorder,
Nor had I ever heard of it,
Even having worked in the medical field for quite some time.
My relationship with food was chaotic,
Insane,
Dysfunctional,
Obsessive.
It consumed most of my thoughts,
And it's all that I wanted.
This went on for years.
I was blessed with some reprieve from the chaos around food for a year and a half,
When I found love,
Peace,
And comfort in my life,
My external life.
Slowly,
The chaos around food returned,
When the love,
Peace,
And comforts of life went away,
Only to bring in more heartache,
Chaos,
And dysfunction.
Food was my perceived friend,
My perceived companion,
My perceived confidant,
My perceived comfort,
My perceived safety,
My go-to,
My everything.
It was always there,
Always.
This went on for almost another decade,
Until finally,
Just last year,
I started to experience some peace and calm around food.
My behaviors,
My patterns,
And my beliefs.
It didn't happen overnight,
Like the suddenness of how the disorder felt like it came on.
Peace around food has been a slow trickle,
A slow evolving,
A slow flowering.
With this peace around food and my relationship to it,
A flowering of self-acceptance is happening.
I feel like they go hand in hand.
The years of self-betrayal,
Self-abandonment,
Self-neglect,
Is blossoming into self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.
Dare I say,
Self-love.
Through breathwork,
Meditation,
Getting still and centered,
Relaxing the nervous system,
Quieting the mind and body,
Peace and calm have been allowed to emerge.
In this peace is the realization that it was never about the food,
Never about the extra weight on my body.
It's about my relationship with food and with my body,
My inner weather.
Is it chaotic,
Like a hurricane,
Or peaceful and calm,
Like a beautiful summer day on the lake?
I am now aware that I am in control of my inner weather,
And I choose peace and calm.
I choose the lake.
I willingly and freely leave the chaos and dysfunction behind.
Peace is here and now,
And I welcome it by choice,
With open arms.
May you find the peace and calm you seek.
May you be safe.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you live with peace,
Ease,
And calm.
Namaste.
