I Said It So Clearly So Why Are We Arguing? Bridging The Gap

How many times have you walked away from a conversation, thinking, "I definitley said it that so clearly!" only to find out later that the other person completely misunderstood you? In this talk Jacci shares an NLP Presupposition - a useful assumption, that The Meaning of the Communication is in the response that you get. Using a simple concept and familiar examples, you will hear how a powerful, liberating way of thinking can transform these communication frustrations into opportunities for deeper connection and relationship.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to this talk which is entitled Bridging the Gap.

The meaning of your communication is actually in the response that you get.

So hi my name's Jackie Wright,

I'm the Cockney Coach and this is an NLP presupposition.

Now an NLP presupposition is what's known as a very useful belief.

It's a useful belief because believing it actually is quite useful for your life.

So what I'm going to talk about is this particular NLP presupposition,

Neurolinguistic programming is what NLP stands for,

And how believing that the meaning of the communication is in the response that you get can actually enhance your communication and your relationships especially.

So let me ask you a question.

How many times have you walked away from a conversation thinking,

But I said it so clearly,

Only to find out later that the other person completely misunderstood you?

Or perhaps you've given some what you thought were very very precise instructions to someone,

Only for them to be carried out in a way you never intended.

I'm sure this has happened to you,

And it's so frustrating isn't it?

Now my own experience of this has led to many little arguments and even a time when it was a big argument and I stopped talking to my sister for three years.

It was all because something that I'd said was totally misinterpreted and I blamed my sister for not understanding me.

The fact is we often assume that if we've said or written something then the message has been perfectly received,

And for sure it often is,

But also there are many times when it's not,

And it's these occasions that can sometimes impact our relationships like the one I had with my sister.

So what if there was a powerful liberating way of thinking that could transform these communication frustrations into opportunities for deeper connection?

Well there is,

And it's one that I've used and made an embedded way of thinking that's helped me bridge that communication gap and even heal what I thought were permanently broken relationships.

This absolutely helped me when it came to repairing the relationship with my sister.

So in neurolinguistic programming or NLP there is a foundational idea called a presupposition.

It's a convenient assumption,

It's a belief that when we act as if it's true it helps us achieve better outcomes,

And one of the most transformative of these beliefs is this,

The meaning of the communication is in the response that you get.

Now when I was going through my NLP learning journey and I first came across this presupposition,

Sorry presupposition,

It is a word that can be quite difficult to say,

It took me quite a while to get my head around it.

So let's unpack this sentence,

The meaning of the communication is in the response that you get.

Now straight off the bat this isn't about blaming yourself for somebody else's reactions or actions,

And it's not about saying that if someone gets it wrong it's automatically your fault.

Far from it,

Instead it's a powerful and profoundly useful shift in your perspective.

It means that the true measure of whether your message,

Your communication,

What you said has actually landed as you intended it to,

That it isn't just about what you said but what the other person did or understood as a result.

Their response,

Whether it's a verbal reply,

A facial expression,

A sigh or a subsequent action or maybe even a lack of action,

That is the ultimate feedback mechanism for your communication.

It allows you to become curious about how it was possible for the message to not have had the intended results.

So why is adopting this convenient assumption approach so crucial?

Well it's because it helps us take radical responsibility for our communication and its impact.

It elegantly removes the blame game.

Now the blame game often leads to thinking,

Oh they don't just listen or they're impossible to talk to,

I can't get through to them.

Instead this convenient assumption invites you to ask,

What was it about my communication that led to that response?

What could I have done differently?

When you think this way it shifts your focus from intent to impact.

Now we might intend to be clear,

Helpful or reassuring,

But if the other person's response is confusion,

Defensiveness or hurt,

Something like that,

Then the meaning of our communication for them was precisely that confusion,

Defensiveness or hurt.

Now this empowers us.

It means we don't have to wait for them to get it.

We actually have the power and the insight to adjust,

Refine and adapt our communication until we get the desired response.

It turns every interaction into a dynamic dance where feedback,

The way they're reacting and responding,

Actually guides your next steps.

It also means that as you get to know someone,

You can be flexible in the way you communicate with them and that minimizes misunderstandings and really is the basis of building trust.

So let's look at a couple of everyday examples of how actually taking this belief on board,

This convenient assumption,

How it can dramatically improve the quality of your personal relationships.

And I've got a couple of examples here that you'll probably recognize.

So the first one is giving feedback to a loved one.

Okay,

So this is a scenario and imagine that you want to talk to someone close to you about something that's been bothering you.

It might have been a recurring habit that impacts you or something like that.

I'm sure you've come across this situation.

Now if you simply state your grievance directly,

Even if you think you're being really clear,

They might become defensive,

Shut down or misunderstand your underlying concern.

So if you operate under the old assumption,

Which was,

I said it clearly,

They should just get it.

You might get frustrated and escalate the situation or simply give up.

However,

When you embrace the meaning is in the response,

You'll notice their defensiveness immediately,

If that's the way they're responding.

This tells you that what you're saying isn't landing as you intended.

Despite your goal being understanding and resolution,

You are actually getting resistance.

So it's time to be flexible and change your track.

You might soften your tone.

You could maybe ask a question to understand their perspective or rephrase your concern in terms of how it affects you rather than what they are doing wrong.

By paying attention to their response,

You adapt and that leads to a much more constructive conversation and stronger connection.

And you also remove your own frustrations as you start to have a really good conversation that takes on board not only what you want to achieve,

But also how the other person is in this entire interaction.

So coming on to the second example,

Another scenario.

Again,

This is probably something that you have come across yourself,

And that is wanting to express your own needs and desires.

Now,

Often in relationships,

We can fall into the trap of thinking that our partner should just know what we need or want.

They're mind readers,

Obviously.

So we might hint,

Sigh,

Make passive comments and then feel resentful when our needs aren't met because they should just know it instinctively.

Of course,

We're humans.

So if you believe that your intent alone is enough,

You'll continue to feel unheard and misunderstood.

You'll be forever saying,

I've told them a hundred times that they just don't listen.

I'm sure that's quite familiar.

I know it is for me.

But when you take on that really useful assumption of the meaning is in the response,

You realise that their lack of action or their confused look is actually telling you your communication isn't clear enough.

Maybe they didn't pick up on the hint.

Maybe they need a direct,

Explicit request.

Maybe you need to explain why that need is important to you.

Their lack of response quite often is in itself a response telling you that you need to adjust your approach.

This leads to clearer requests,

Less resentment and ultimately a greater chance of having your needs met,

Which will also deepen your relationship.

So in essence,

The meaning of the communication is in the response that you get is an invitation to continuous learning and empathy in every interaction.

It transforms communication from a one-way street of delivery into a dynamic two-way dance of adjustment and understanding.

And by taking this profound responsibility,

You can empower yourself to build richer,

Healthier and more fulfilling relationships,

One thoughtful response at a time.

So this is what I did when it came to rebuilding my relationship with my sister.

When I started to talk to her,

I listened and I made myself quite clear,

But also listened to the way that she was responding to me.

Rather than just saying what I needed to say and leaving it at that,

I waited for her response.

I watched what was happening on her face.

I know that she can be the kind of person who responds very abruptly and very quickly,

Almost like if she's caught in a corner she'll come out fighting.

I was looking for these responses.

I started to change my tack.

I got interested in her and how she felt about what I was talking about.

And that's how we now continue to build our really close relationship as sisters.

So take time and engage with the person that you're talking to.

And that's the end of the talk and thank you for listening.

My name is Jackie Wright,

The Cockney Coach,

And I have other tracks on NLP presuppositions,

So please feel free to go and have a look at those.

I do have a whole course about healing relationships with NLP presuppositions,

So feel free to visit that as well and it will take you through a step-by-step as to how,

If you have a broken relationship,

You can mend it using these useful beliefs.

And,

As always,

Much love.

Reviews

Doesn’t work against a narcissist, egotist, self-self absorbed and similarly vained individuals. Because they lie so much, they assume that everyone else does too. And therefore every communication is considered a threat. One entering this arena is better suited to return around return home to watch TV, it would be a better use of their time. Unfortunately my brother is one and I have tried what have suggested to no avail. But hopefully he’s in the minority of personal relationships. Blessings to you and all who have and will read this. Warmly, Anne

Thank you very much. So useful and explained in a great way as always.