Self-Care Parenting

Barry Ebert and special guests, Stacy Butters and April Reeves talk about the power of self-care parenting to support health and well-being. This year, our programming at Mile Hi Church emphasizes health and well-being.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the Mile High Church podcast.

Join us and some very special guests as we dive in together,

Open our hearts and get real to discuss what we've been thinking about.

Well hey this is Barry and it's great to be back with you.

We're going to talk a little bit about parenting today and I brought in some friends of mine.

We got April who's the head of our preschool and good to see you.

Hi.

And we got Stacy who's the head of our Sunday morning youth ministry and all of our youth activities too so good to see you Stacy.

Hi Barry.

You know I do a lot of parenting workshops.

I work with a lot of parents and one of the things I think that's it seems like it's a paradox to be talking about self-care and taking care of yourself and putting yourself first in a healthy way as a parent when you've got children.

How do you how do you deal with that paradox of taking good care of yourself when you've got when you got a child that you're taking care of too?

Well first recognizing that it is a paradox you know when we first take a small baby home they don't sleep and we don't sleep either and the care is constant and we even have biological hormones that are allowing us to stay up and not sleep and not give that self care but really it's that the self-care is different when you're a parent so if we're looking for resources on how on how to take on self-care outside of being a parent they are they're very very different because we are programmed as parents and caregivers to seemingly put ourselves first but it's actually more about equity realizing who needs what when and that there isn't an importance that it's all a need and that we're working on them together but without recognizing there's a there's a paradox we can't get through it because there's always a friction because that's how it works to be a parent.

Right?

Sure we're trained we're trained from birth to be putting others ahead of ourselves because it's necessary.

Yeah.

With little kids right there's this obvious need you need to get up and feed them you need to get up and take care of them even April and I are also both parents of teens and spend time with teenagers and it's a different kind of sleep effect or you're wondering about you know how they're doing and where they are and what's going on and you know it those patterns get established in different ways through every phase of parenting.

Absolutely absolutely yeah you're you're letting go and expanding the amount of control that your kids had but that doesn't mean that you're still not connected in relationship with them so yeah I think that's yeah so you give up like 18 years of sleep for every kid that you have and that's just part of the deal right?

It is very much a part of the deal and that's why we have to look at self-care differently from a different lens when we're talking about caregiving because it is from a very different lens and we can still take care of ourselves in the moment outside of the moment through planning and through honesty and vulnerability and that's what it really means to provide ourselves with self-care as a caregiver.

Yeah all right cool but what do you think are some ways that parents can take better care of themselves?

For me it's sleep so if I have to let go of other things in order to get enough sleep if I have to develop some practices around sleep but protecting my sleep was one of my best self-care moves and continues to be one of my best self-care moves.

Okay okay you've got a toddler at home April how do you take care of yourself?

I do well I think it's really important to plan self-care you know where it's just me and it's not my kiddo but I also really focus on practicing self-care when I'm with my toddler or with my teenager and again that looks like authenticity and really being honest about how I feel and where I am so that they can understand and also so that I can really truly play and and that act of being truthful and honest allows me in some moments the greatest self-care possible way over a bubble bath or extra sleep just being fully present and fully who I am there's a there's a self-care that happens that's beyond any kind of planning but it takes more practice.

Yeah I think so I think so too.

You know I got a granddaughter now who's 16 months old so it's been really good for me to get back into it and one of the things I love the most is just getting down the floor and just hanging out and playing and reading the same book over and over again and playing music for her and stuff and it does really bring me into the present moment and gives me an opportunity to let go of all the other stuff that I have to do and just do that is really good and the thing that I found being around her parents too her parents really have a pretty a pretty fixed schedule for when she eats and when she sleeps and it's just helping her so much she's in such a good mood and when it's time for her to go up and take a nap for time for her to go to bed just take her upstairs and she gets into her little sleep sack and you turn down the white noise and boom she just her expectation is so high and she loves going up there you know so I think one of the things that can really help us is to is to have a good schedule and to and to stick to it and that can be difficult for a parent I get that but I think it's a it's a great thing it's a great self-care thing and the sooner that you start it the easier I think it goes.

I like what you said about being well what you both said about being present in the moment and acknowledging that maybe when the schedule has gone out the window or things are not going super great being present with yourself as well to say like okay this is not working for me what is my next best move right I am and something I actually learned from you right there were a couple moments when my kids were young when we'd be in the car and things would be kind of out of control and I just pull the car over and eventually they'd be like why is the car stopped it would take a couple minutes but then you know the chaos went down quiet came up and then it was like all right I think we can move on now.

Yeah that's good well the other thing is I think especially for for parents you know we get to be such multitaskers you know moms especially have so many things that you have scheduled for the day and so many things that you're going to do and our kids find ways to slow us down and I think being able to just you know let go of the tasks let go of the list sometimes and just like okay I'm just going to be in the present and I'm going to I'm just going to hang out here and read this story it's the middle of the day and this is what's going on and I'm going to be present with it and it's just great being a parent and being here and I think that's part of self-care too and that's what you were that's what you were talking about just authentically showing up as you are.

Yeah and slowing down for me as a preschool teacher and a mom is one of my biggest acts of self care and also self-regulation or getting back to center when I slow down everything around me changes and it's so important and crucial in the classroom because so many things can happen with 10 to 12 toddlers right the sound gets extreme the movements are quick the ideas are moving faster than we can grab a hold of and what I notice is that often my body will start moving in the same tempo and as soon as I realize oh I can actually I can slow down right now I can speak more slowly I can listen more deeply everything changes and I and the sounds are even different a lot of the times people walk in a preschool classroom and they're astonished by the noise and how erratic it is but when you slow down and you and you listen to the noise and its totality it's actually quite beautiful but it's when we're also moving fast that it starts to feel erratic so slowing down changes everything and it's and it's always there you can use it whenever you need it.

Yeah yeah because I think it's important for parents to remember that they're really setting the example in the house this is what a loving authority figure looks like right and I can slow down I know that you're really upset right now and I get it and I'm willing to listen and we're gonna just slow down here and I think that being able to set ourselves into that and to not go off the edge is an important thing and I think bringing our focus to it you know letting go of our phone for a while and letting go of all the other things that are on our to-do list and really showing up is an important part of it and you get to see that in the classroom too all the time when kids come in and they're not in a good mood something happened your energy helps them relax.

Yeah and you're demonstrating a skill that you want your kids to learn right the skill of being able to slow down yeah take a breath be in the moment.

Yeah and a lot of it has more to do with what you do rather than what you say you know because we think well I need to explain to them what's going on that's not really the most important thing the most important thing is to do it and to follow through and to to be calm because that gives them the opportunity to see it and to feel it because they're all energy you know little people they're reacting to our energy much more than to our words you know that nonverbal communication especially in a room full of toddlers is is everything you know so that's good so what's another thing that parents can do if they're frazzled in the middle of the day to slow themselves down a little bit for me I have a mantra okay I have a mantra and it's not just mine it's a family mantra so my kids learned it and it was everything that happens today happens for highest and best and life is good all the time and we would do it as a call and repeat so I could say it to myself anytime that I need to but then we also say it when my kids would get out of the car you know for school or as we're heading off on vacation we would invoke our mantra together which is great which is great it that sinks me into that place where you're really centered and then eventually your kids are old enough that you could be you know in a space of maybe not feeling so great and feeling a little frazzled and they will give the mantra back to you which is very cool it's very cool and a little annoying very cool mostly so give us that one more time give me that measure one more time everything that happens today happens for my highest and best life is good all the time yeah okay that's great that's great you know one of the things that you were just pointing towards like going someplace I think one of the things that parents struggle the most with in terms take care of themselves as transitions like taking their kids to school and dropping them off picking them off at school going to a play date or then leaving the play date and I think that that's a place where it's important that we anticipate and get ourselves calmed down before we go you know I love the thing would you like to go an hour and five minutes you know it's just about time to go so I'd like to go now in five minutes but then when it's actually time to go it's we're leaving you're not asking them anymore and your expectation is that they're going to come with you and if they're upset about it I know I know I just keep moving but I think preparing for transitions and expecting them to go well is really important part of it don't you think I mean you see a lot of kids get dropped off I do and I I I guide a lot of transitions as well and some go really well and I always anticipate that they will go well because I truly trust children and when they don't go well I still trust what's happening but one thing that happens is I sometimes make big mistakes when things go wrong during a transition just like a kiddo and what I find works very well for me and especially when I ask parents to join me in this sort of honesty I will say you know I I don't even like what I'm saying right now I think I'm getting really out of sorts so I'm just gonna stop for a second and I just stop and then I'll go back and I'll say so things got a little crazy it's still time to go do you need any help getting your stuff I'm here and I'm sorry I'm sorry that I got a little crazy changes everything I mean empathy human relationships really being honest about your feelings that's the that's the tool when things aren't going wrong and of course always anticipating that they will go right but that also takes acknowledging that when they're going a little wrong they're still going right they're still going right and that's what keeps us together in those moments is recognizing it's okay if they go a little a little awry we still have it in us to get to get back yeah well I think being honest it is something that it takes us a while to get comfortable enough and confident enough as a parent to just be honest and say you know I'm not handling this really well so I'm gonna just I mean just slow down here for a minute we'll come back to it you know and that's that's a powerful thing for for a kid to hear from a parent really is you see a lot of transitions too I do see a lot of transitions and yeah I agree there's there's always a way to bring it back yeah planning a little bit of you know just that a little bit of extra time yeah in order to really respect what a kid needs to get the transition done can help everybody yeah I think you know I've always thought of it is the kids find a way to slow us down like when we're picking a kid up from school like we've only got two minutes they might need four minutes you know and they're they're gonna get it and if we can slow ourselves down and just say you know would you like to put your toys away would you like to give your toy to your friend you need to say goodbye to your teacher or just to slow down and to move into their world for a moment instead of trying to snap them into our world instantly I think is just a way of respecting where they are you know they're there in their world they've been in they've been in school for for some hours and they need some time to transition from it so I think I think one of the things that's great about being a parent of a young child that gives us permission to slow down and that's part of self-care which is where you started it gives us permission to be authentic and to show up with our kiddos cool all right well I want to thank you both for coming in and talking to me today about one of my favorite things in the whole world taking care of kids and being a parent because I think it's the most important job there is and the best job there is too so thank you April thank you Barry yeah and thank you Stacy and thank you for all the work you do to keep the world going good for kids all right we'll see you next time

Reviews

🙏. It’s tough…..additional needs…. and for a sizeable number of parents, me included, the back up, partner and wider family are not there. I really like how you talk about “showing up” and being present. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel.
I feel like