From Victim To Victor

Michelle Medrano's talk explores moving from victimhood to empowerment. She shares insights on healing, forgiveness, and learning from hardships to break free from limiting narratives and embrace freedom.

Transcript

Today I want to talk about another exciting subject, Victimhood. As I was putting together my notes for this talk, I just want to acknowledge some of the things I might have to say might feel uncomfortable, Might feel challenging. I heard the voice of Dr. Fred Vogt, Our senior minister emeritus, When he used to tell us ministerial students that our job as ministers was to comfort the discomforted and to discomfort the too comfortable. And the premise of my message today is it's about going from victimhood to victor, Being a victor, Is that sometimes we get a little too comfortable in our victim story, In our victim experience, And we we have a hard time getting out of it or even seeing that it's possible or seeing the benefits of getting out of it because the victim story does connect us to lots of things like other people's empathy and love and so sometimes it can be hard to give up and sometimes we just don't know how. And I want to talk to us today about how we can begin to move towards giving up our victim story. I have yet to meet a human being who hasn't felt victimized in some way shape or form. I don't think any of us leave childhood or our teen years unscathed from hurts and betrayals and rejections and frustrations and sometimes feeling that we don't belong or we don't we're not right or many of us have been actually hurt, Harmed, Abused, Neglected as children and so sometimes we have those kinds of experiences and we have to find ways to heal that victimhood inside of us to be happy and free. Sometimes it's going through our life and having heartbreaks and and betrayals when we're adults and things not work out for us and losing jobs and things where we feel victimized by that. The divisiveness in our politics in our country I know for years no matter what political parties in charge there's always a group of people choosing and feeling victimized by the other party and concerned about what the other party's doing and lots of conversation that divisive conversation is always a victim conversation and it's happening right now as people are imagining even the future victimization that may show up under the current administration and so there's lots of charge about that and sometimes there are those of us who just are frustrated and feel victimized by the grumpy buggers who wander the world and just aren't very nice people right? No matter how we slice it and dice it there's always a reason to feel that somebody is putting us down or is not seeing the truth of us or treating us badly or might treat us badly in the future and so we are challenged to to move through that victim consciousness because it serves us so much when we can let it go. I thought a lot about well why does this happen and I'm not sure knowing why it happens really helps but I know that some of our theories about why it happens includes that we're just unlucky unlucky people in the wrong place at the wrong time. We've got a whole narrative in our world that there's this God out there that is either doling out lessons or is treating people badly depending on his opinion of them. We've got theories about karma that go through various faith traditions and even an element of it here in our teaching that that if I do something wrong then something wrong is gonna happen to me or if I wronged you in the last lifetime then you get to wrong me in this lifetime and that's somehow what some of the ways we've explained it and even the notion that we're on a soulful journey and I tend to kind of lean into that one that we truly are these big souls deep profound connected always to the divine and experiencing a lot of our human experience while always being deep spiritual beings. The whole victim circle of getting all caught up and I see it like a circle because we get caught in this cycle of a story or of an experience and it becomes the way we see things and we make stories up about who's not loving us and who doesn't like us and who's treating us badly and that's all in that human realm and it's a it's a valid story for humans because we certainly have had people do us wrong, Treat us badly, Not be kind, Hurt us and harm us and there's a gap often between that story that we're spinning around and we live in and the true nature of all our soulful experience and when we begin to bridge that gap more as we begin to encounter that depth of who we are I think it helps us begin to make sense and begin to understand that we can only be totally happy and free if we're willing to challenge and give up those stories. Now have a disclaimer in that conversation because to challenge and give up those stories doesn't mean we just bury them, Pretend they never happened, Turn away from them. I'm fond of remembering us that this is not a teaching of denial. This is not a teaching that says if you've been hurt just just don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, Just have a happy thought. This is not a teaching that says if we've been abused, Neglected, Harmed in some way that we just ignore it and we don't ignore it here in our community. We want to support people and the work about victim story begins as we understand that we have to move through it. We have to move through the experience and through the story to be happy and free and that requires us to master the art of looking right at it. This is what happened. This is how I felt. This is how I feel about it. To even be angry and and upset about whatever has occurred or is occurring is natural and we are not required in any way to let that go. I love what the wise Maya Angelou has to say about this. She says you should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn't do anything to the object of its displeasure. So use that anger. Use that anger. Write it. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it and we allow ourselves to move ourselves through it to shepherd and steward ourselves through our victim consciousness. What we've tended to do many times is just stick it right there. It's in our consciousness. It's who we are. It even becomes a part of our identity and then we find it so challenging to live our greatest life. A number of years ago I had a really good friend, A girlfriend for many many years. I would say probably my closest girlfriend and we got into a place in our relationship where we were not seeing eye to eye about things at all and there were ways that she was mad at me for letting her down and not loving her enough and not caring for her not being there for her and I was mad at her for the same thing and we were going back and forth about it and the last communication I got from her was I never want to talk to you again and it broke my little heart. Just broke my heart. I spent days crying about this this friendship, The loss of this friendship, The pain that I knew she must be in, The pain I knew I was in. I even right as it happened I came to a service here that our young adult ministry was putting on and in the service we were invited to come forth and put something I don't even remember what into a container and I walked forward crying and snotting and snorting the whole way up. Just so broken-hearted and my husband Ken was so supportive and other friends were supportive and my mom was supportive and I did exactly what Maya Angelou said. I wrote about it, I journaled about it, I prayed about it, I talked to my practitioner about it, I danced it out, I shared my anger, I shared my pain and all of it was something that I had to let myself do so that I could move through that feeling because I felt like a victim and I know she did too to move through that place where I could eventually look at her and take a deep breath and wish her well and let her go and move on with my life and take it day by day by day and it took intention because what I knew is that if I continued to harbor that story where I could and I haven't told the story of this friendship for a long time that's what we do sometimes with our victim stories. You'll never believe what happened to me, Right? And then we tell everyone, You'll never believe it, Oh my god, And I chose to tell the story but I chose to tell it consciously and conscientiously to those who would witness me and help me walk through it to healing. Wouldn't get down in the mud with me and say, Oh my god, She must be a horrible friend, How could you have been friends with her? No, I didn't want that. I didn't need that. I needed to heal. I needed to move on. Our founder, Ernest Holmes, Tells us nothing can happen to us that doesn't happen through us. So here's the deal, Here's the crux with the creative process. When we continue to hang on for too long to the victim stories, There comes a point where we've processed it, We've dealt with it, We've we're getting to center, Which I did with my friend. I got to center and then I knew it's time to let this go because I knew that if I didn't it's lodged in my consciousness as a part of my identity and then every relationship that I have and every relationship that I form in fashion from then on has within it, Hi my name's Michelle and I'm a victim of a friend who hurt me and broke my heart. Would you break my heart too, Please? At the subtle level, The energetic level, I never say it out loud, Right? Don't have to say it out loud. I'm just attracted to people who will then continue to break my heart over and over and over again. When I heal it, When I let it go, When I'm free of it, I can attract something greater for myself and I believe that we can be freer. So how do we get about doing that? Well, I have an acronym today. I haven't used an acronym in for a very long time, So don't give me a hassle for copying Dr. Roger. My acronym is FLY. F-L-Y. FLY. And the first letter of the acronym is for forgiveness. I'm gonna guess we all probably understand that when it comes to the first step, When we're really ready, We've marched through the pain and we've talked about it and there's this part of us that goes, Okay, It's time to get on with it. Because no one can tell you when it's time to get on with it. Not even me. I don't have a right to come to you and say, Hey, You know, It's time for you to let that go now. You've been talking about that for two days. Get over it. No, No one gets to do that. We all have to walk through it, But when we start to understand the benefits, Then we get to say, Okay, I'm gonna move through it with the intention of facilitating myself and getting help and support so that eventually I'm ready to fly. And I know that when I'm ready to fly, I gotta forgive. I gotta let go. There are so many ways to forgive, So many classes and methods of forgiving, And a huge part that I want to highlight today for me of the forgiveness journey in my lifetime that supported me, Especially with childhood issues, Is that I was able to really let go when I put myself in the shoes of that person. When I took some time to ask myself, If I were where they were, Can I promise myself I wouldn't have done what they did? And most of the time I can't. I cannot 100% ever convince myself or anyone else that if I was in that position, I wouldn't have done the same thing. Now we get arrogant about it, Don't we? Part of our resentment and our victim story is, Well, If I was in their shoes, I would have never done that. Right? And it behooves us to kind of let that go. To say, I'd like to think the best of me. I'd like to think that I would never hurt someone like that. That I would never take advantage of someone like that. But if I'm not in their shoes, Walking their path and walking their journey, I can't know. And so what could I do to allow myself to let that go and trust that the best that they had in them at the time was given to me? And that I can surrender and let go of some of my resentment and my pain. It's like that bitterness that Maya talks about. Like it's a bitterness that's like cancer that eats away at us. And a huge part of this ongoing journey is just understanding that humanity is constantly doing things that we don't approve of and that we don't like. And even doing things that appear to harm us or appear to make our lives more difficult. A couple of weeks ago, Ken and I were at my former community in Arizona, New Vision Center, And the minister there is now Reverend Karen Einhaus. And we got to hear her speak. And she shared a quote from the emperor, The Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. He was the Roman Emperor from 160 to 181. And he wrote these 12 books of meditations, Which I've been looking into since I heard Reverend Karen mention him. And she shared one that I think is apropos for us today. Here's what he says. When you wake up in the morning, Tell yourself, The people I deal with today will be meddling, Ungrateful, Arrogant, Dishonest, Jealous, And surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own. Not of the same blood and birth, But the same mind and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness, Nor can I feel angry at my relative or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, Hands, And eyes, Like the two rows of teeth, Upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, To turn your back on him, These are unnatural. I think Aurelius is talking about that part of us, That deep spiritual part of us that understands that it's always the burden and the blessing of our soul's journey to be willing to seek and discover and reveal and allow to come through us that love for other people, No matter what they've done, No matter who they've been, No matter how they are, And that we can only be happy when we do this, As Jesus mentioned when he said, Love thy enemy, Because this is our truest nature. So we forgive for the sake of us and for the sake of humanity. And then the second letter in the acronym is L, And I say that's for learn. Every betrayal in my life, Every experience I've had where I felt victimized, I have learned so much from those, And I have learned more about myself from those. The end of the story for many people is I was victimized, And it's unfair, And it shouldn't have happened, And woe is me, And they're missing the part sometimes. We're missing the part sometimes that says, And who have I become because of that? Because I know so many people who, Through what they would call their victimizations, Have gone on to help other people and do beautiful work in the world, Have gone on to be magnificent beings of light despite whatever occurred to them. And what we have to do is allow ourselves that deep learning at the soulful level. In her book, The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity, Edwene Gaines talks about this and tells her story. Her story as a young girl, She was sexually molested and abused, And she talks about how she led with that story. Carolyn Mays also talks about how we tend to lead with our darkest story. We tend to lead with our pain, And how that doesn't serve us. And Edwene was doing that, And she was going to classes in a spiritual center, And every week talking about her victimizers, And her abuse, And all of this. And she says one day as she was sharing once again about it, The instructor said, Listen toots. Yeah, I know Reverend Josh and I say that to people all the time, So it's a it's a spiritual spiritual thing. He said, This victim stuff has gone on long enough. It's really a drag, And it's boring the tears out of the rest of us. She was shocked because she said he didn't give her the poor baby, Oh that's horrible kind of response, But it woke her up. It shocked her. He said, In order to heal this childhood trauma, What you've got to do is create a new story about it. He paused and he gave it some thought. Okay, He said, Here's your new story. Try this one on and see if it works for you. You came into this planet to be a woman of power, Which is what Edwene always says. I am a woman of power. She said it for a long time. This is what you came to do, He said. Your soul chose this pathway, And because you chose it, You also chose to take an initiation in the misuse of power at a very young age. During this initiation, You learned what it feels like when power is misused, And it's horrible. Therefore, It is now safe for you to be a woman of power in the world, Because you know now that you would never misuse this power, Nor abuse this power. And in this process, You've gained the most valuable of all spiritual gifts, The understanding heart. She said it took a while for her to be with that story, But when she really took it in and prayed over it and went deep within herself, She realized that's the story. And sharing that story, Claiming that story, Owning that story, Learning that that was her story, Well, It changed everything for her, As she went forth and continued to become a woman of great power. So we can learn. We can forgive. We can learn. And the why in this acronym is for the word yes. Yes. We all suffer. We all are victimized at times. We all have pain. We all have our stories. Yet, As we forgive and learn, We can develop a spiritual depth and comfort that can lead us through those moments. And we can say yes to our deepest self as our guiding force, And yes to our divine nature, And yes to God in us and as us, As we face the challenges of our life from the past, The present, Or the future. Well, I've often thought so much about the civil rights movement and how the the ideas of nonviolence have no space in them for being a victim. They're all about nonviolent resolution. And the great Martin Luther King Jr. I love what someone wrote about him that I found online, And they said, He faced many hardships, But he never adopted an identity of victimhood. That's what we're talking about here. Are we adopting an identity of victimhood about anything going on in the world, Or anything that has gone on? They said, Instead he believed in nonviolence and reconciliation, And that suffering for a cause could be redemptive. In 1958, He sat in a department store and he was signing books. He was signing his Stride Toward Freedom book, And a mentally ill black woman came in and said, Are you Martin Luther King? And he said yes, And she stabbed him with a letter opener right into the chest. He was rushed to the hospital and surgery took place, And the next day he was told that that letter opener had gone right into his chest at the right place, That if he had sneezed it would have punctured his aorta and he would have been dead. And it was an awakening moment for him in many, Many ways to feel that sense of someone coming after you and wanting to kill you like that. And he wrote about it later, And I loved what he said, Because he said, If I demonstrated unusual calm during the recent attempt on my life, It was certainly not due to any extraordinary powers that I possess. Rather, It was due to the power of God working through me. Throughout this struggle for racial justice, I have constantly asked God to remove all bitterness, There's that word again, From my heart and to give me the strength and courage to face any disaster that may come my way. This constant prayer life and feeling of dependence on God have given me the feeling that I have divine companionship in the struggle. I know no other way to explain it. It is the fact that in the midst of external tension, God can give inner peace. In the midst of external tension, God can give inner peace. And just like Reverend Martin Luther King, We have to be willing to take that in, To allow this presence to give us that inner peace. We have to be willing to fly, To forgive, To learn, And to say yes to it. And I invite us to do that this week, To take a story or some stories from our life and free ourselves in this profound way. And indeed, For our closing prayer today, There's a process I'm teaching the Powering Your Decisions class right now, And there was a process in class five that our class did. And when we talked about it, And I shared with them about this talk, We all decided it was a beautiful inner process, A mindfulness process that we'd like to offer today as part of the prayer. And so I invite you to sit back and relax. I invite our practitioner prayer partners to stand with me if they'd like. And I remind us all that our practitioner prayer partners will be down front after the service. Please come forward and let yourself be blessed with prayer about anything that is bothering you or anything that you want to create more good in your life. They're here to help you do that. And for now, I invite us to close our eyes to go within and just begin to breathe in the very breath of life and allow ourselves to feel that comforting presence that Dr. King talks about, That love that God is, That comforts and surrounds and enfolds everything and everyone. And as we feel that comforting presence, We allow to come to mind a situation in our life that feels difficult, That is causing us stress. Could be a situation we feel victimized by, Powerless about. As we call the situation to mind, I invite us to see if we can actually feel that stress and emotional discomfort in the body and identify where it might be. Is it in the lower back or is it in the chest? Just notice it. And upon noticing it, Say to yourself, This is a moment of suffering. This is a moment of suffering. That's what mindfulness is. It's noticing what we're feeling, What's so right now. Other options might include, This hurts. This hurts. Ouch. This is stress. And now say to yourself, Suffering is part of life. Suffering is a part of life. It's common humanity. Other options include, Other people feel this way. I'm not alone. We all struggle in our lives. Now, If you feel comfortable, Place your hands over your heart and feel the warmth of your hands and gentle touch of your hands on your chest. And breathe in as you say to yourself, May I be kind to myself. And ask yourself, What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself, To be free, To let go. There might be some phrases that we could use to speak to ourselves in our particular situations, Such as may I give myself the compassion that I need. May I learn to accept myself as I am. May I forgive. May I be strong. May I be patient. So breathing these phrases in and allowing any that come to mind to have their way through us, We offer ourselves grace. And we allow ourselves to move forward even just a little bit in our experience of suffering or victimhood. And I accept and affirm that as we go forth from this place, This opportunity allows us to fly, To forgive, To learn, To say yes to that comforting presence of the divine and move forward in our lives with great joy. Being alive, More and more alive than ever and attracting more and more good to ourselves as we let go of our victimhood. And we are victorious, Spiritually victorious. Oh what a joy this is and I'm so grateful to see this, To affirm this, To accept this. We let this go. We let this be because we know that as it has been spoken, It is done. And so it is. Amen.

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