Finding The Lessons When Nothing Is Working

In this Dharma talk, we explore those moments on the spiritual path when nothing is working—and every practice we try makes us feel more stuck. And to remember that sometimes we just have to go through the suffering the old fashioned way and exhaust ourselves. The challenge is that we think we'e failed, that something went wrong, and yet this is how it works sometimes.

There are lessons, even when nothing works, that we are still learning - that are ultimately leading us forward on the path.

Transcript

The Buddhist path is for most of us,

This is a gradual path.

We learn to meditate,

We learn mindfulness,

We start to learn the wisdom teachings,

Compassion practices,

And that through all of these practices and these teachings,

We start peeling back the layers of reality to see reality more clearly.

And sometimes it can feel like we're taking two steps forward,

Three steps forward,

Four steps forward,

And sometimes it can feel like we're taking one step backwards,

Two steps backward,

Ten steps backwards,

And sometimes it can feel like we have just completely fallen off the path,

Even though that might be exactly where we need to be.

And so I want to talk a little bit about the path,

The challenge that is on this path,

And then also and particularly about those times when we feel like we have completely fallen off the path,

To remind us that no,

You have not fallen off at all.

So when I say,

Uh,

You know,

What we're trying to do is see the nature of reality,

The nature of existence.

The Buddha characterized this as as three things,

There are three characters of existence.

One is that everything is impermanent.

There is nothing in this universe that is not coming together through different parts,

Different causes and conditions,

And changing and changing and changing.

Even though the mountains look so solid,

Moment by moment,

The mountains are changing,

The wind sweeping a few,

You know,

Bit of the earth around,

Some rocks falling down,

A little squirrel burrowing in,

Right?

Changing moment by moment.

There is nothing in this universe that isn't changing.

So impermanence,

The first characteristic of existence.

And then that impermanence includes us.

So the second character,

Characteristic of existence,

Is that there is no separate independent self.

That we exist just like the mountain exists,

Just like the tree exists,

Just like the flower exists,

Just like the rainbow exists.

Conditions coming together and changing moment by moment by moment.

And the third characteristic of existence is that because we misperceive that which is impermanent and we think it is permanent,

Including ourselves,

There is a lot of dissatisfaction and suffering because we cannot find satisfaction in that which is changing.

The object is changing or we're changing,

And we're changing,

Sorry.

And yet,

There is this really strong pull to the outer external world that there is something out there that is going to complete us.

That there is something out there that if I could just get this one thing,

I would be happy.

And we can be walking along totally fine,

Totally present,

Content,

Peaceful,

Not a problem in the world.

And all it takes is our eyes to lock on to something.

Something that we see that's attractive,

Could be a person that's attractive,

An object that's attractive.

And how quickly we get lost in our thoughts,

In these stories,

In the belief of the little separate me in here that needs something out there in order to be complete.

And we can get lost for sometimes just a few minutes,

Sometimes a few hours,

Sometimes a few days,

A few weeks,

Before we recognize what it is that's going on.

And so,

I think it is really important that we don't underestimate how good our brain is at constructing an alternative reality that we take to be true.

That we feel,

That we feel it in our bodies,

This alternative reality that we are imagining.

And that there is a self in here,

A little me somewhere in here,

Independent.

That this is what our brain is constructing,

So much of the time.

And we know when we,

When we fantasize about something,

If you've got,

Maybe you've got a presentation coming up at work,

And you're thinking about the presentation,

You're feeling really good about the presentation,

And you're imagining your boss being really excited,

And everyone's really paying attention,

And they all clap at the end,

And you feel this in your body,

Right?

The neurotransmitters that are being released,

The way your heart is beating,

The way your blood pressure is,

Right?

That everything in your being is making this alternative reality feel real,

This little me up here that's giving this presentation at work next week,

That feels on top of the world,

It feels so real,

It's so believable.

And it's also believable when we're imagining giving that same presentation,

And our boss is looking pretty irritated.

Maybe they're whispering to someone,

And they're even having a little laugh.

And we see everyone else on their phone,

A couple people walk out of the back,

Right?

And we know that feeling of dread,

How real it feels in that moment,

This,

There's a little me out there that is suffering because of this imagined reality,

It feels so real,

It's so believable.

And it is so hard,

Not impossible,

But it is really hard to override the construction of me in my head.

It feels so real and believable.

And for our whole lives,

We have believed in the little me,

The separate little me that is in some way always lacking,

It's always needing something outside of it in order to feel complete.

And then the Buddha comes along,

And he says,

Oh,

That little,

That little separate self that you take to be so inherently real and independent in you,

That's not you.

And it's simply arising based on causes and conditions as well,

It's not who you are.

And in fact,

Not only is it not who you are,

It is the source of your suffering,

That you have taken it to be who you are.

So we start meditating,

And we're practicing mindfulness,

And we hear the teachings,

We hear the teachings where we talk about the running after the object,

The pay raise,

The new car,

We hear these examples,

And how we get them.

And then after a while,

We're like,

No,

I need something else now.

And with mindfulness,

We learn to pay more attention to our experience when we are running after these things.

And we go,

You know what,

I'm so focused on this alternate reality,

This me up here,

That's going to get something to be complete.

I didn't even notice before how unpleasant I feel right now,

How unpeaceful I feel through this process,

Through this chasing this constantly chasing my happiness out there.

And so with the practices that the Buddha gave us,

To help us see the impermanent nature,

The,

The illusory nature of the separate self,

When we,

When we sit with our feelings,

When we're mindful,

And we're just sitting with our feelings.

And we're breathing into our,

We're breathing into our experience,

Creating some space,

Noticing the impermanent nature,

They're moving around.

And sometimes it works.

And it dissolves that sense of separateness.

And sometimes it doesn't.

And sometimes we,

We come in and we bring some self compassion and some kindness,

We open our hearts to what it is that we're feeling,

We,

We give our attention to our hurt,

To our,

To our feeling left behind or being excluded.

And,

And sometimes that does dissolve the separate sense of self.

And sometimes it doesn't.

And then sometimes for those of us that have been on this path a little bit longer,

And it's not traditionally a Buddhist practice,

But I often suggest this,

Not for people brand new,

Sometimes it works to directly inquire into who is it that feels hurt?

Who is it that feels anxious?

Who is it that feels embarrassed?

To look for this little me in here that I'm taking to be so real.

And sometimes it works.

And sometimes it doesn't.

Because sometimes we just have to go through it the old fashioned way.

And we have to exhaust ourselves.

And we just torture ourselves for however long it is.

Until we are finally so exhausted,

We can no longer sustain the image of a little separate me in here that's not getting what she wants.

Or that did something that she's so embarrassed about,

Where we're just so tired we exhaust ourselves of it.

And that's the time when we tend to think,

Oh,

I completely fell off the path.

I must have gone 10 steps back.

It's like I never started the path.

How did that happen?

How did I lose this so completely?

How did I lose my peace so completely?

And yet,

And yet,

Even the old fashioned way,

Because you are on the path to begin with,

Even the old fashioned way,

When you exhaust yourself through it,

When you torture yourself through it,

You are still learning something there.

We're learning,

We're learning,

Um,

We're learning humility,

Right?

Because sometimes we can get,

Right,

Arrogance or pride on the path when we start to get a little overly confident of how well we're doing,

Right?

It can be very humbling to have it kind of knock us back down and get and go,

Wow,

It was so believable.

I thought I was past all that.

And so it's really,

It can be humbling and humility is an important part of our path because it is the antidote to pride,

To arrogance,

Right?

We don't ever want to become too arrogant on our path.

In fact,

We want to be the opposite.

We want to be humble,

To know what it is that we're up against.

The moment we start to become too confident,

That's the ego just coming back in another door.

Oh,

Look at me,

I've got this now.

The moment we're saying that,

We're just not seeing it so quickly because it doesn't appear as suffering right then,

But it is,

And it's going to turn into some deep suffering at some point.

So when we,

When we experience that,

When we're lost in the ego and for days or whatever it is that's going on,

You are watering your seeds of humility and we need to water those seeds.

It's kind of one of the only ways we get to water those seeds.

It's not that you're not doing anything.

And of course,

We're also watering our seeds of compassion because we can also get to this kind of sense of like,

Oh,

Are you still worrying about things like that?

Like,

Oh,

I don't worry about that anymore.

Not saying that anyone really says it directly like that,

But sometimes there can be a little bit of a sense of,

Oh,

You still get bothered by what people think of you or,

Oh,

You still,

Um,

Uh,

You still get lost in whether you made a mistake or not.

Oh,

I'm,

I'm kind of above that.

And when we have that fee,

That sense,

We lose our sense of compassion because we've forgotten how painful it feels.

We've forgotten how believable it is,

That little separate self in our head.

But when we go through it ourselves and again,

Through the context,

Through the lens of the Dharma,

It just even in reflection,

Yes,

It's so believable.

So when others are suffering,

We don't look down on them.

We don't think we're separate from them in some way.

We acknowledge,

Yeah,

It's so believable,

Man.

It really is.

And I think it's how we,

We nurture our seeds of compassion for others that are going through this and for ourselves as we're going through it as well.

And we're also,

Because if we're really again,

Examining this through the lens of the Dharma directly after it's happened,

Looking for what did I learn here?

Ah,

Humbleness,

Compassion and impermanence.

Because it's,

We're so,

Just so close to the other side of it happening.

When sometimes when we're hearing the teachings or we're even just referring,

Referring ourselves back to a time like,

Oh yeah,

Man,

I was so upset and I can see how it's impermanence in this,

In this bigger context.

But now that I'm,

I'm not that far away from it.

And yet I do feel that sense of ease and spaciousness again.

I don't feel like it's got this grip over me anymore.

I really can see the impermanent nature of that separate self,

That it was just arising,

Conditions were arising.

And I can see that it's,

It's,

It's not,

It's not inherently real.

The conditions have changed and it's no longer driving me.

And so we get a little bit more evidence for ourselves of seeing like just in a,

In a closer way,

That experience of it was there,

It was painful,

It was so real.

And I'm just maybe a few hours on the other side of it.

And man,

It just does not feel real anymore.

Wow.

It was just arising based on the conditions that were arising.

There were lessons to be learned there,

Right?

I got the lessons and I also got this lesson.

It was arising and it was changing.

It doesn't inherently exist.

And so it's good for us to reflect on this,

On this,

To remember that this is for most of us,

A gradual path.

And part of the path is sometimes it's a little bit messy.

And we just have to exhaust ourselves through it.

But it's not that you didn't learn anything through that.

And it's not that you weren't on the path.

You were still on the path,

You were just getting the lesson in a bit of a different way.

And you were able to water some different seeds in that way as well.

And I think it's important that we remember this,

Because this is where so many people feel like,

You know,

We kind of,

We're grasping at our practices.

Oh,

This worked,

Now it didn't work.

Oh,

Now let me try the next one.

And it's almost this frantic grasping for everything that also exacerbates the sense like,

Because I'm really trying to get rid of it.

I'm doing everything I can to get rid of it.

Not even realizing how we're exacerbating it.

But we can remember then,

You know what,

Sometimes it's messy.

And sometimes I just,

I have to be with this.

And in accepting it,

Doesn't mean that it's going to go away right away.

Sometimes there's something going on.

It's like,

Okay,

It's just,

It's not pleasant.

Right?

I'm not going to pretend that this is pleasant.

It's unpleasant.

But this is how it's got to work its way through.

And sometimes I'm going to get a little lost in it.

And okay,

When I get to the other side of that,

I'll reflect on it and see what I can learn from that.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong.

This is everyone's experience on this path.

It's part of it.

You didn't take 10 steps back.

You didn't,

It feels like it in that moment,

It feels so compelling,

So real.

But when we reflect on it,

Once we're more settled again,

Once we've exhausted ourselves of it,

And we reflect through the lens of the Dharma,

What we find is there were gifts even in that lesson.

And perhaps that was the way we needed to get the lesson.

Because it's not always rainbows and puppy dogs.

Sometimes that's how we needed to get the lesson.

And so just to remember,

It is a gradual path.

You are never going backwards on the path.

I really truly believe that once we have earnestly come on to this path,

It is really hard to get off of it.

It's just for us to trust the process,

Trust the process.

And to recognize it's not always,

It's not a linear path.

It's not a linear path.

It's not as,

It's not a,

You know,

Massive back and forth,

But it's a little bit,

You know,

Step up,

A little bit going sideways.

And even then it kind of feels like we're going back,

But we're not going back.

We're not going back.

Yeah.

Okay,

So just to remember that.

Remember that the next time you have a moment where you feel like,

Oh my God,

I've just forgotten everything and nothing's working for me right now.

Maybe this,

This talk might,

You know,

That little seed then goes,

Oh no,

No,

No.

Sometimes I have to exhaust myself.

And even in that,

It can just give you a little bit of spaciousness,

A little bit of like,

Okay,

Okay.

It's just going to be like this then.

Okay.

Okay.

Or even just on the other side of it then,

Just to remember,

Okay,

Let me reflect on this through the lens of the Dharma now.

What did I learn?

Because we learn everything.

Every experience is a learning experience for us.

And ultimately a liberating experience for us in that moment.

And then the more that we,

The more of those moments that we have,

Right,

More liberating awakening moments that we have,

The more that we connect those moments together,

The more awake we are,

The more awake we are.

Okay.

So just to remember that you're not doing anything wrong.

It's just part of the path can be messy sometimes.

Reviews

thanks Meredith- this talk is a great reminder and a good one to return to you every time. I feel like I’m back at square one. so often one step backwards feels like we went back to square one and you remind me no it’s just one step backwards or just one step sideways. And that’s OK. 🤍🦋🩵🦋💙🦋🩵🦋💙🦋🤍

This was an amazing and timely reminder for me. Thank you!!!