So,
I want to share a really profound practice tonight,
Something that has had a really big impact on my own practice,
On my life,
And I do not say that lightly.
Something that has really helped me or a practice that has really helped me to let go of a lot of negative emotions,
Of toxic emotions,
Of anger,
Of judgment,
Of resentment,
Of bitterness,
Of guilt and shame,
And that practice is forgiveness.
And I want to talk about forgiveness tonight because we have a really hard time of letting go of our anger and our resentment when we've been hurt,
When we've been disappointed.
And even when we've often told the other person that we forgive them,
We don't really forgive them.
We go through the motions,
We say it because we know we're supposed to say it,
But we don't really feel that letting go of the anger and resentment that comes from real forgiveness.
And even in those situations when we've hurt other people,
And even that person has already forgiven us,
We don't forgive ourselves.
We still hold on to the guilt,
The anger turned inwards because we can't let it go.
And sometimes there's something so big,
We've been hurt,
Harmed in such a big way that we just cannot forgive.
And yet we have to find an opening into forgiveness because if we don't,
The bitterness will eat us up inside.
So I want to share a Buddhist forgiveness prayer tonight.
Some of you know this prayer.
I've shared it before.
It is my absolute favorite.
It is not a prayer where we are praying to someone to absolve us of our guilt or someone else.
It is a path,
It is a teaching that really shows us how to really forgive,
How to let go of the resentment that we are clinging to that is causing us so much suffering.
And that if you say this prayer over and over,
And I have said it,
I would guess,
Over a thousand times.
Sue,
You have known,
Remember I brought this prayer up I think four years ago on a retreat.
I had said it I think a thousand times by then.
So let's say two thousand times now.
I have said this prayer over and over because every time you say it,
Every time there's a little bit more letting go,
There's a little bit more understanding.
And forgiveness is a practice.
We think of it as something like,
Well we should just know how to forgive.
We don't.
And that's why we're really bad at it.
So by saying this prayer,
It is a teaching,
It is a practice that helps us really know forgiveness in our heart.
And until we know forgiveness in our hearts,
We don't really know it.
So I'll go through the prayer in its entirety first,
And then we're going to break it down verse by verse and really unpack the meaning of forgiveness and how this prayer leads us to real forgiveness in our hearts.
So it goes,
For anyone that I have harmed,
Either knowingly or unknowingly,
Through my own confusions,
Fears,
And desires,
I ask for your forgiveness.
For anyone that has harmed me,
Either knowingly or unknowingly,
Through their own confusions,
Fears,
And desires,
I forgive them.
If there is anything I am not yet ready to forgive,
I forgive myself for that.
And for all the little ways I harm myself,
Negate,
Doubt,
Belittle,
Judge,
And criticize,
I forgive myself for that too.
So the first verse,
For anyone that I have harmed,
Either knowingly or unknowingly,
Through my own confusions,
Fears,
And desires,
I ask for your forgiveness.
And this is first because what we're acknowledging here is that we are human,
And we all make mistakes.
That's part of being human.
We've disappointed people,
We've hurt people,
We've harmed people,
And we will continue to do so in the future,
Not intentionally,
You know,
Hopefully less the more awakened we become,
But we're still human,
And this is part of the human condition.
But if we look at the cause of why we are having to ask for forgiveness,
Because of our confusion,
Fear,
And desire,
It always comes down to the fact that we are confused because we are lost in our fears and desires.
And I have found,
I have not found a case yet in my own experience where I cannot trace it back to fear and desire.
I'm not saying that there's not some random incidental out there where it was just a total unintended consequence,
But even there,
Even there,
In fact,
I have a story from about five or six years ago when I was camped down here in Mexico.
There was a dog that my friend and I had kind of rescued.
She had a hurt paw really,
Really badly,
Hurt paw.
And her owner was kind of homeless and wasn't looking after her,
So one day we grabbed the dog and took him to the vet,
Took her to the vet to get her kind of paw looked after.
And then we decided that I would keep the dog in my campsite for like seven days while she was healing and taking the medicine,
And then we'd let her go back to the owner.
So this dog,
Though,
Had been known to attack cats,
And my neighbor had a cat.
And because of my desire to help the dog and fix the dog up,
I hadn't thought about the cats that are in,
And the only cat around us.
And so she was not happy at all to hear that I had taken this dog in,
And she let me know how unhappy she was about it.
Now,
The dog was tied up because she was healing from her wound,
And I promised I would keep her tied up.
I wouldn't,
You know,
Let her do any damage.
But I understood where she was coming from,
Because from her perspective,
I'd brought a threat into the campground.
But in my desire to help the dog,
I hadn't really taken into consideration how she might perceive that.
And then with,
So if it's not desire,
It's fear.
And it's a lot of fear.
I find a lot of the times,
The things that we're doing where we have to ask for forgiveness is because of fear.
And we're,
Anytime we're stressed,
It's because of fear.
So if you're super busy,
And you're just overwhelmed at work or with other things going on,
You might forget,
You know,
Someone's birthday,
Your anniversary,
Something important to someone else,
And you disappoint them because of that.
Or maybe you're super rushed under a lot of pressure,
And you stop somewhere at Starbucks for a coffee,
And they get your order wrong,
And you're just,
You're at the end of your tether,
And you just can't take it anymore.
And you have an outburst and act ridiculous over,
You know,
The coffee being incorrect.
You know,
It was out of fear that you were operating.
So when we look back at all the times that we've harmed another person,
When we've disappointed them,
That was because of fear or desire.
And the second verse,
For anyone that has harmed me,
Either knowingly or unknowingly,
Through their own confusions,
Fears,
And desires,
I forgive them.
Now,
Of course,
We've just asked for forgiveness in the first line because of our confusions,
Fears,
And desires.
So it's kind of hard to not forgive most people because of their confusion,
Or most things that have happened to us because of their confusion,
Fears,
And desires.
And this is important for us to look at this,
To remember that they're acting out of the same mind state that we are when we cause harm.
I do have another story.
So it involves a dog.
And this was several years ago when I needed someone to look after my dog,
And I had—this is not the one out there,
But upstairs,
Bodhi,
My other problem child.
And he's very difficult.
He can't be around kids,
Can't be around other dogs,
Or big dogs.
And my girlfriend knew of someone else that needed someone to look after her dog while they went away.
And their dog was small,
So we thought,
Oh,
The dogs will get along,
And I'll do it for you and you do it for me.
And it was kind of seemingly working out great.
So this guy,
I met him,
He's really lovely.
He's just gone through a rough divorce.
He's going to Australia for a month.
And when he comes back,
He's met this woman,
And he's just head over heels in love.
He tells me all about her when he picks up the dog.
And I'm happy for him because he's just gone through this really rough divorce.
So a week later,
I get this email from him.
I've been talking with her every night.
We're just—she's everything I've ever wanted.
I'm moving to Australia in two weeks.
And of course,
My first thought was—I'm saddened to say—was not,
I'm so happy for you.
It was,
Hang on,
You're supposed to look after my dog in a month.
And so,
I mean,
I was disappointed.
I could feel that disappointment and the resentment and the anger.
I mean,
I would have looked after his dog regardless of him looking after my dog.
But the fact that he just didn't even mention it in the email,
I felt really slighted.
I was really disappointed.
So I went for a walk,
And I'm thinking about it.
I'm stewing.
I'm angry.
I'm resentful.
And then,
Of course,
The words just came in finally where I was like,
Oh my God,
He's so lost in his desires.
And I've said this prayer—remember,
At this stage,
I've said it a thousand times.
And so it hits me.
I'm like,
Oh my God,
He's acting out of desire.
That's what he's doing.
And I,
Too,
Have disappointed people out of desires and fear.
So how can I impugn him when he's acting out of the same mind state?
And it was just in that instant,
In that realization,
The clinging was just gone.
I was free again.
I was all right again.
And it doesn't mean,
I mean,
If he were to have moved down to Mexico or up to Mexico and we were in the same situation,
I might be a little cautious asking him to watch Bodhi.
But,
You know,
The fact is there was no anger,
There was no resentment towards him anymore because he was just so lost in his desire and his love.
And he didn't mean to disappoint me.
It was just an unintended consequence.
And so the third verse,
Because sometimes there are things that we are just not ready to forgive,
Even when we can acknowledge that we're all operating out of the same mind state,
It can sometimes just be too difficult for us.
So that's why we need the third verse.
And for all the things that I am not yet ready to forgive,
I forgive myself for that.
So in forgiving ourselves for not being ready to forgive,
We are still practicing forgiveness.
There's an opening in there.
So when we notice ourselves going into that habit of pushing back on what happened or feeling that resentment,
Feeling that anger,
And we can say,
And for all the things that I'm not yet ready to forgive,
I forgive myself for that.
So we stop that habit of strengthening our capacity for anger and resentment and bitterness and just say,
I forgive myself for not yet being ready to forgive.
There's an opening there.
And then the fourth verse,
And for all the little ways I harm myself,
Negate,
Doubt,
Belittle,
Judge,
And criticize,
I forgive myself for that too.
And in this verse,
We're really just bringing a lot more awareness to the ways in which we talk to ourselves and harm ourselves,
Put ourselves down.
And in saying that word,
Instead of continuing to beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up,
Which is what we love to do,
We forgive ourselves for it.
And in that,
The clinging goes away.
And the more that we forgive ourselves for that,
The less that we're likely to do it in the future because we start to notice it.
Ah,
And I forgive myself for beating myself up right now.
That's the path to freedom.
That's how we open our hearts instead of closing our hearts,
Becoming bitter and judgmental and resentful.
So when we say this prayer,
And I will,
I'll put the prayer up on my ZenSmarts Facebook page.
If anyone wants it,
You can email me,
Anyone on the call,
On YouTube,
Because I am going to put this on YouTube.
I'll put it in the description box.
Because say the prayer.
I mean,
It may sound like a lot,
Like now I'm thinking,
Okay,
Maybe I've said it 2,
000 times.
That's a lot of,
I mean,
Over six,
Seven years,
I've said the prayer.
But I cannot tell you that is nothing in comparison to the guilt that I carried around for decades,
For the disappointment that I had caused other people,
The pain and the torture that I had caused myself because I couldn't forgive myself.
I didn't kill anyone,
By the way.
I did some things,
You know,
I was young,
I was a teenager.
And it really took me a long time to be able to forgive myself.
And it was this prayer that helped me to do that.
