When Your Best Friend Chooses A Narcissist

Let's explore the deeply painful and often confusing experience of being excluded, misrepresented, or erased by a narcissistic partner who sees your bond as a threat. We unpack the psychology behind this behavior, including relational triangulation, narcissistic insecurity, and emotional control, and why these dynamics are rarely about you, and everything about the narcissist’s fear of being exposed.

You’ll also learn how to protect your peace, hold onto your truth, grieve what’s been lost, and begin to create new, meaningful connections without compromising your integrity.

Transcript

You thought your bond was unbreakable,

A friendship that felt more like chosen family,

Maybe even like siblings.

You laughed and you cried and you supported each other through everything.

And then they started dating someone new.

At first you were happy for them,

Maybe even relieved.

But slowly things started to shift,

Sadly at first,

And then not so sadly.

And suddenly you find yourself outside of the circle you helped build.

Excluded from plans,

Misrepresented and quietly pushed out.

My name is Martha Curtis.

I'm a psychotherapist and coach and I support individuals who are recovering from narcissistic relationships.

And today we are going to talk about what happens when your best friend partners with someone toxic,

Someone narcissistic perhaps,

And that relationship begins to contaminate your connection.

We will explore why this happens,

What it feels like,

And how to hold onto your truth without getting pulled into drama.

Because even if it feels like betrayal,

Even if others begin to believe the lies,

The truth doesn't need defending,

It just needs time.

Let's name what this feels like,

Because this isn't just about jealousy or insecurity,

It is about losing someone you never thought you'd lose.

It might feel to you like your sibling has a new family now and you didn't even get to say goodbye.

Might also feel like you are being erased,

Not because of something you did,

But because of who you are.

And you have something good,

And that is incredibly painful.

And also it feels like the friendship is still there,

But it's different,

Thinner,

Conditional,

And controlled by someone else.

And you slowly can feel it slipping away more and more and more and more.

And it feels personal.

And because in a way,

It is.

When someone with narcissistic traits enters your best friend's life,

They're not just trying to bond,

They're actually looking to control the environment around their new partner.

And one of the first things they assess is who has the most emotional access to this person already.

Enter you.

They sense the bond you share.

People with narcissistic traits are highly threat-sensitive.

If they see someone who is emotionally important to their partner,

Someone who might see through their manipulations,

Or who reflects real emotional safety,

They may feel threatened.

So they start subtly,

And not so subtly sometimes,

Diminishing your presence.

They might start planting doubt.

They might be saying things like,

I don't think they really like me.

Then they play the victim.

They might be saying things like,

I feel like they're always judging me.

And they also might be inventing drama.

They might be things to your friend like,

They said something really cruel about me behind my back.

All of these tactics are forms of relational triangulation.

It's a classic narcissistic maneuver,

Where the narcissist builds loyalty by pitting people against each other.

Tell you why narcissists exclude a lot of the time instead of isolating.

In this dynamic,

The narcissist doesn't necessarily isolate your friend completely.

They just exclude you specifically.

And it's very targeted.

Why?

Because you might mirror emotional maturity,

And they don't want that reflected.

You might have insight into narcissistic dynamics,

And they know that.

And also they fear the depth of your bond,

And they want to cut off anything that competes with their control.

And this isn't about your behavior.

It's about your presence,

Your strength,

And your insight.

I want to share a little psychological science with you that's behind this.

So let's dig a little deeper into what's happening from a psychological and also a neurological perspective.

So the role of threat detection in the narcissist looks like this.

People with narcissistic tendencies often operate from an unconscious fear of abandonment,

Rejection,

Or exposure.

And that makes them hypersensitive to perceived threats.

Not necessarily real threats,

But to perceived threats.

Not physical threats,

But emotional or social threats.

So if they see someone who knows their partner longer,

Or someone who really knows how to emotionally connect,

Someone who challenges them with boundaries or insight,

They go into defense mode.

And their defense looks like this.

Smearing,

Excluding,

Controlling the narrative.

Those three things.

And here's where it gets really painful.

If the narcissist is charming,

Manipulative,

Or good at masking,

Mutual friends may not see what's happening.

The narcissist may seem kind,

And may seem funny,

Even vulnerable,

While painting you as cold and jealous,

Or maybe just too intense.

And here's why that works.

It's confirmation bias.

Once someone is told to view you a certain way,

They unconsciously start looking for evidence that fits that narrative,

Even if it's not true.

They might interpret things they see a different way.

So what do you do when you see this happening?

Sometimes someone else might spot that this is happening.

What not to do?

Do not start defending yourself to everyone.

There's nothing to defend.

As deeply unjust as it feels to you right now,

You do not need to explain yourself,

Not to people who already decided what they want to believe anyway.

Truth doesn't beg to be seen,

It just is.

Let me repeat that for you.

Truth doesn't beg to be seen,

It just is.

Of course the narcissist wants you to be upset.

They want you to overreact.

They want to prove the narrative.

Instead,

Offer them nothing.

Silence will be your strength.

You might feel that impulse,

Wanting to fix things.

You might think,

Ah,

If I just talk to my friend,

If I just explain.

Don't try to win back your friend.

I know it's hard.

Do not try to win back your friend.

If you see that they are really far gone,

Maybe they were in this very vulnerable place.

Maybe they have been alone for a long time or maybe they feel like they really want a family now and they're quite vulnerable.

Maybe they had a loss.

Maybe they lost someone close to them.

So the more vulnerable they are,

The deeper they might already be.

So in this phase,

Your friend may not be able or willing to hear you,

Especially if they're under the emotional influence of someone manipulative.

Focus on yourself.

Grieve what has changed and allow yourself to mourn the emotional safety that's no longer there.

I know it feels horrible.

That is the real loss,

Not the version of the friendship that's now filtered through someone else's control.

It's that loss of emotional safety.

So we talked about what not to do.

Let's talk about what you can do.

And the first thing is to hold steady in your truth.

You have to ground yourself in the person you know you are.

Do not let anyone gaslight you.

Just remind yourself about the values that guide you in your friendships.

And also ask yourself,

Have I acted with integrity,

Kindness and clarity?

Most likely,

Yes.

And also ask yourself,

Would I want to be friends with someone like me?

So if the answer is yes,

That's all the clarity you need.

Once you're done your mourning and your grieving,

You can start flipping the pain into purpose.

And this experience,

As painful as it is,

Can become a portal into new community.

I know you might be thinking,

But I do have this circle that just I don't belong to right now,

But I kind of do.

So why should I look for for new people if I still have those old ones?

Patience.

Have patience.

And try some new groups,

Deepen old friendships that were neglected.

And create emotional space for people who can meet you with mutuality.

Your life is not over because one person made others uncomfortable with your truth.

Your light will always attract the right people in time.

And yes,

This is a form of betrayal,

So you have to allow yourself to grieve.

That betrayal is slow and aching and one that doesn't have clean closure.

And you need to really grieve it fully.

You might want to write your friend a letter and never send it.

You also might want to cry for the safety that's gone.

It's okay.

It's understandable.

It's normal.

It's human.

Let yourself feel the rupture.

Just don't get lost in it.

Grief is sacred.

It says this.

This friendship mattered.

I loved this friend.

I hoped with this friend and I lost this friendship right now.

And it clears the way for something new.

If your friend stays with this toxic person,

If that narcissist wins the battle for now,

The battle that you never wanted to fight because there really was nothing to fight over.

Know this.

You haven't lost because you were unlovable.

You were lost because you were uncontainable.

You haven't lost.

You were lost because you were uncontainable.

And people who fear depth and truth and integrity,

They often push what exposes their own emptiness.

So let me tell you this.

The truth always comes out.

And you don't have to defend it.

You just have to keep living it.

Now you might be living in the ache of being pushed out.

Or maybe you know someone who does.

Then share this with someone who might need this reminder.

That they are not the problem.

You are not the problem.

You are the mirror.

And mirrors often get covered when someone doesn't want to look.

And I would really love to hear your story.

I want to know how you are healing.

And I want to know what you are rediscovering.

And also what spaces you're now making room for.

Because you deserve relationships that don't shrink you.

And they are out there.

Until next time.