Letting Go Of Revenge: How To Stop Feeding The Narcissist

Revenge is a tempting trap, especially when dealing with a narcissistic ex, parent, or boss. The desire to prove them wrong, expose their lies, or defy their smear campaign can feel empowering at the moment, but it often does the opposite: it feeds the Narcissist's need for control and attention. In this episode, we will explore why Revenge is counterproductive, how it keeps you emotionally tied, and how to reclaim your power by letting go of the need for payback.

Transcript

Hi and welcome to Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse with me Martha Curtis.

Today I will talk to you about letting go of revenge.

My guess is you might be listening to this episode because you have found yourself consumed with thoughts of revenge against a narcissist.

Maybe you have imagined exposing them for who they really are or proving to everyone that their smear campaign is a lie.

Oh and it feels like the ultimate justice,

Doesn't it?

You might be engaging in daydreaming scenarios of when everyone is turning away from them like a bad smell.

Somebody cut the cheese and they know where it's coming from.

And those fantasies,

They feel so good and so nourishing and you get more and more in touch to it and it feels so good and you are dead set on making this fantasy,

This daydream come true.

But here's the truth.

That need for revenge,

It's not freeing you,

It's feeding the narcissist.

And by the end of this episode you will understand why revenge gives the narcissist power and why choosing to let go is the ultimate form of empowerment.

And you will walk away feeling lighter,

Instantly lighter.

Once you decide to let go everything will become clearer.

You will feel more enabled to focus on your own healing rather than the abuser's downfall.

And let me be clear,

We are not talking about any legal issues.

We're not talking about crime necessarily.

We are talking simply of that need for revenge and getting stuck in it.

But Martha,

That's not fair.

Why should I let them get away with it?

Why should I let them get away with their smear campaign or constantly making me the black sheep of the family or telling everyone that I was a bad partner if I wasn't and why?

I want justice.

Let me tell you,

Narcissists thrive on drama.

They are fueled by attention and it doesn't matter whether it's positive or negative.

When you focus on revenge or proving them wrong,

You are giving them exactly what they crave and that is your energy and attention.

Your anger lets them know they still matter to you.

It shows them they still have the power to affect your emotions.

Now I'm not saying don't feel angry.

Anger is very important.

It makes us do things.

Of course,

It's a motivator.

It shows us that something is wrong.

But don't give them the satisfaction of seeing that you are angry.

When you are focused on retaliation,

You're staying emotionally engaged with a narcissist and that prevents you from moving on.

Let me give you an example.

A narcissistic ex who spreads lies about you may feel validated if you spend time trying to counter every rumor they spread.

And also other people might be wondering why are they so hell-bent in justifying themselves?

Narcissists use conflict and drama to maintain control over their narrative and also over you.

So by reacting,

You reinforce their sense of power.

Let's give you a few examples of scenarios that some of you might be encountering or have encountered in the past.

Maybe you were in a relationship with somebody who was very narcissistic and you decided,

Finally,

I am going to leave this person and you walk away.

But all of a sudden,

Because of course their ego is crutched,

They spread lies about you to damage your reputation.

And that will make you feel compelled to defend yourself to everyone and prove them wrong.

And you know what you're doing?

You are feeding them.

Because they see your frantic efforts to clear your name as proof that their words still hold power.

Okay,

So what's the alternative?

First of all,

Let me tell you something.

I'm a very firm believer that truth prevails.

At some point,

People will see this person and their lies for what they are.

And if they don't,

Whatever,

Then they're not important in your life.

Just live your life authentically and let your actions speak for themselves.

And trust that over time,

People will see the truth.

What about narcissistic parents?

One very common label that narcissistic parents give their children,

Or especially the scapegoat child,

Is the ungrateful child.

And it's a phrase to guilt trip you into compliance.

And the trap is that you go out of your way to prove you're a good child.

And you might be overcompensating with attention,

Care,

Or explanations.

Just like in the first scenario,

It reinforces their belief that they can control you through guilt.

Okay,

What's the alternative?

You set boundaries.

Sometimes those boundaries are greyrocking them.

Sometimes it's playing robot.

Sometimes it is estrangement.

You remind yourself by setting boundaries that their perception of you does not define your worth.

And just to be clear,

Oftentimes it's not their perception.

This is how they want to see you.

They might really deep down know who you truly are and feel threatened by it.

Because they are not like you.

They lack empathy.

It might be jealousy.

It might be feeling threatened by you.

So they have to keep you small.

Letting go is the absolute ultimate power move,

Because you are taking back control.

By letting go of that need and want for revenge,

You are actually stopping the game.

And you are reclaiming your emotional energy.

And that doesn't mean that they have won.

It means they're no longer important enough to influence your life.

But Martha,

I need to show them that I have control over my life as well.

I can't just roll over and let them do whatever they want.

No,

That's not what I'm saying.

But if you try to get your own way,

You will be met with more and more resistance.

And you are feeding into their negative energy.

What you actually need to do is to starve them.

And it might feel like you are just rolling over and letting them do whatever they want.

But that's not really what it is.

They want you to fight back.

Because especially if you're an empath,

Fighting for you is extremely draining.

So you are draining,

Draining,

Draining,

Until you cannot fight.

And there is a big difference between not having the energy to fight,

Versus not wanting to give any energy to fighting.

It's not really about winning.

It's about you having peace,

And you not feeding the bad.

Like I said earlier,

Truth will prevail.

Over time,

Most people do see the Narcissist for who they truly are.

And those who choose to believe the Narcissist,

And I say choose to believe the Narcissist,

Likely have their own reasons for staying in the bubble.

If somebody is invested in the Narcissist narrative,

Ask yourself,

Do they really matter in your life?

Maybe they do for now,

But eventually they might come around,

Or maybe they not.

Whatever they choose to do,

Or choose not to do,

The way you heal does not depend on whether somebody believes you,

On whether somebody sides with the Narcissist,

Or doesn't.

You decide how your healing journey looks like.

You know what power you have?

You have the power to heal faster.

Because obsessing over revenge keeps the wound open.

You keep scratching it open all the time.

Letting go allows you to focus on your healing and move forward.

But until you let go of revenge,

On proving people wrong,

You will be stuck,

And your healing journey will be slower.

You might not even properly heal,

Because first you need to free yourself from their grip.

And when I say freeing yourself from their grip,

What I mean is the grip they have on your thinking and on your emotions.

You know the saying,

Living rent-free in someone's head?

You're letting them live rent-free in your head.

And if you have PTSD,

Or even complex PTSD,

Because of the abuse that you have suffered from the Narcissistic person,

Then of course just letting go is not enough.

Then ideally you will find a therapist,

A real licensed therapist,

Somebody who has extensive experience working with trauma survivors,

And start healing in a way that is informed by science,

By evidence,

And with a healthy relationship,

Which is the relationship between you and that professional who wants you to get better in the best way possible.

Okay,

So how do you let go of the need for revenge?

First one is you shift your focus.

You need to redirect your energy to things that really matter,

Such as your goals,

And your passions,

And healthy relationships around you.

You need to prospect.

You know what prospecting is?

It's looking into the future.

Imagine how you want your life to look like without that person,

Without the need for revenge.

You connect and you attach to that vision of your future life a healthy vision.

And then you take the steps towards this goal.

So instead of crafting a rebuttal through their smear campaign,

Or writing the 527th response to their toxic message,

Think about,

Okay,

What can I do instead?

And if you feel that pull,

Towards,

No,

I need to reply,

I need them to hear what I have to say,

Remind yourself,

They're not hearing you.

They're not interested what you have to do.

They are just,

They just want to feel that power.

It's like,

Ooh,

I got another angry response here.

You don't give them that.

Instead,

You think,

Okay,

I am going to do something for myself right now.

What is that?

What kind of project am I working on right now?

What is that thing that I have been dreaming of all along that book I wanted to write,

Or maybe that 5k that I want to run or the couch to 5k or whatever that might be,

You focus on that,

Because that energy has been zapped from you.

Like a Dementor,

You know,

Harry Potter,

There we go,

All that energy just goes.

And now you're reclaiming it because you're not feeding the narcissist.

So you have my energy for yourself and what you actually want in your life.

And again,

I often use this metaphor of a tornado,

Or analogy of a tornado,

Where there is narcissism,

There is chaos.

And sometimes when you're right in the eye of that tornado,

You don't even know that you are spinning.

So oftentimes,

People don't even know that they are spinning.

And sometimes flying monkeys don't know that they are spinning.

And the more you distance yourself,

The more you might be feeling the swirl of it,

Of that chaos,

Until you are just kind of around the outer winds.

And you see,

Okay,

Okay,

This is chaotic,

But I have a safe distance,

There is no harm anymore.

And then you just remove yourself further and further and further from it.

You don't have to fight anymore.

To keep your feet on the ground,

Your feet are on the ground.

You need to accept also what you can't control.

That's the next step.

First step,

Shift your focus.

Second step,

Accept what you can't control.

Because you can't change the narcissist or force others to see the truth.

You can't make anyone do anything.

You can't make anyone think anything that you want them to think.

You can't.

Acceptance doesn't mean approval.

It doesn't mean that you are enabling them to keep going.

It just means that you are freeing yourself from this exhausting battle for control.

And you really have to trust the process.

Believe me when I tell you that over time people will see the narcissist through colors.

Maybe not everyone.

Let me give you an example.

A narcissist is a co-worker.

Maybe we initially charm others,

But their behavior will eventually reveal themselves.

Maybe they steal someone's credit,

Or talk behind someone's back,

And then somehow it gets back to that person.

Those things will reveal themselves eventually.

Set boundaries and stick to them.

You need to either limit or eliminate contact with this person.

Because you need to protect your peace.

Because no response is the strongest response.

But Martha,

I don't want to stonewall them.

That's not stonewalling.

There's a difference between stonewalling and eliminating contact.

And if you can't eliminate the contact,

Limiting contact.

That is not stonewalling.

You are just responding.

If you have to stay in contact,

Let's say you co-parent with someone,

You don't reply to nasty messages.

You only reply to the neutral,

Very factual messages that you have received.

And that would be,

For example,

Arranging time with the children,

Etc.

I know it's not easy sometimes to let go of those thoughts and daydreams of revenge.

But you are doing this for yourself.

You are not giving them the power and the satisfaction of knowing that they can still manipulate you and make you feel something.

Imagine you're at the checkout.

And you want to pay for your shopping,

And you take your credit card out,

And somebody just comes along and takes a credit card out of your hand and says,

Thank you very much,

And walks away with it.

Would you just let them?

No,

You wouldn't.

You would go,

You would take your card back.

So why are you not doing the same with your energy,

With your mind space?

What you might be doing is,

You let that person hold on to your card,

And then you chase them and chase them,

And you're trying to kick them in the rear end,

But you're still not taking your card back.

That's not how it works.

I want you now to reflect on three questions.

And the first one is,

Am I still emotionally tied to the narcissists through my need to prove them wrong or expose them?

And actually,

Let me ask you one additional question.

What would happen if you continued to invest in trying to expose this person?

How many years are you willing to invest or waste on this?

And believe me,

It's not an investment,

It's waste.

The next question for you that I want you to reflect on is,

What would happen if I directed my energy away from them and towards my own healing?

Allow yourself to reflect on how your life would look like if you just stopped.

And the last question I want you to ask yourself is,

Who in my life truly matters?

And do they believe the narcissists lies,

Or do they see me for who I really am?

Because this question will highlight your support network and the people you might want to maybe put into the acquaintance or get the heck out of here area of your social circle.

And I'm not saying do that with anger,

Do that with compassion.

Okay,

They are not able to see the truth.

Fine,

They are on their own journey.

Let them go,

Wish them well.

Revenge might feel very satisfying in the moment,

But it ultimately keeps you tied to the narcissist and feeds their need for control.

True power comes from letting go,

Focusing on your healing,

Your growth and your future.

When you stop feeding the narcissist,

They lose their hold over you and that in itself is the greatest victory.

And if this episode helped you rethink the need for revenge,

Please share it with someone else who might be struggling with the same trap.

I also welcome messages,

Sharing your experiences or maybe ideas for future podcasts.

Until next time,

I'm wishing you a rich and colorful and beautiful joyful healing journey.

Reviews

Martha, thank you for your wise words! This is advice I needed to hear at this time. You’ve made a positive difference in my day…bless you! ♥️

Very helpful. Amazing clarity. The reminders I needed to guide me forward & upwards. Thank you so much, Martha. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
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