From People Pleasing To Self-Leadership At Home And Work

Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you mean “no,” avoiding conflict to keep the peace, or seeking approval at the expense of your truth? In this talk, I share a personal story of being called forward by true friends—those who refused to flatter me and instead challenged me to grow.

We’ll explore how people-pleasing isn’t kindness but control, why honest feedback is essential for self-leadership, and how breaking this cycle can transform your parenting, relationships, and leadership. If you're ready to lead with integrity and set boundaries without guilt, this is for you.

Transcript

I was sitting at the table,

My fingers gripping the edge of my coffee cup,

And I was trying to keep my face neutral.

Across from me sat two of my closest friends,

Men that I trusted,

Men who had walked beside me through thick and thin.

And yet,

In that moment,

As I'm sitting there,

I wanted nothing more than to disappear.

One of them said to me,

Hey Mark,

We need to talk.

I nodded,

I forced a smile,

And I said,

Of course man,

What's up?

I already knew something was coming.

I could feel it in my gut.

The tension had been building for weeks.

Subtle moments when they would hesitate before speaking,

And looks exchanged between them when I said something that they didn't fully believe.

And so now,

Here we were,

Having the conversation.

Look,

The one said,

We love you man,

You know that.

But we're watching you bend over backwards for people who don't deserve it.

And you're wearing yourself thin.

You're saying yes when you really mean no.

And honestly,

That's not leadership,

That's fear.

These words hit like a gut punch.

My instinct was to deflect,

To laugh it off,

To explain myself,

No,

No,

No,

No,

You don't understand.

I'm just being supportive.

I just don't want unnecessary conflict.

And what's wrong with making people feel good?

But deep down,

I knew they were hitting a truth.

A truth that I had been avoiding for far too long.

This wasn't new.

This pattern of avoiding conflict,

Of saying what people wanted to hear rather than what needed to be said,

Had been with me for as long as I could remember.

It had become enmeshed in my personality.

As a kid,

I learned early that keeping the peace was safer than speaking up.

That if I smoothed things over,

If I didn't rock the boat,

The storm would pass quicker.

It wasn't cautious.

It was survival instinct.

And that survival mechanism had followed me into adulthood,

Into my friendships,

Into my work,

And even into my parenting.

I had convinced myself that this was leadership.

That being agreeable,

Keeping everyone happy,

Avoiding friction,

That that was wisdom.

But now,

Sitting across from my friends,

I saw it for what it really was.

Fear of rejection disguised as kindness.

So one of the friends said to me,

Here's what I think's going on.

You think you're protecting people from discomfort,

But really you're protecting yourself.

You're afraid that if you say no,

If you set a boundary,

People will leave and that you'll lose love.

I looked down,

I started my coffee,

My throat tightened,

Because that was it.

That was at the root of it all.

Somewhere deep inside,

There was still that little boy who believed that love was conditional.

That if I disappointed people,

If I wasn't who they wanted me to be,

I would lose them.

And so I had built my life around avoiding this risk.

I had overextended myself in work,

In friendships,

In parenting,

Because the idea of someone feeling disappointed in me felt unbearable.

And this showed up in my marriage as well.

So one of my friends,

He sat back and he kind of had an exhale and he said,

But the problem is man,

People-pleasing isn't love,

It's control.

I sat back.

That part stung the most.

Control.

I had never seen it that way before.

I had always thought that I was being selfless,

That I was making things easier for everyone else.

But in reality,

I was managing people's perceptions of me.

I was bending myself into shapes that weren't in alignment,

That weren't true with my core,

Hoping to avoid the pain of being misunderstood or rejected.

And it was exhausting.

One of my friends said to me something that changed everything and it was a powerful reframe.

He said,

The people who really matter,

They don't want you to agree with them all the time.

They want you to be real with them.

If you don't respect yourself,

How can we respect you fully?

I sat in silence for a moment.

I took a breath.

I let it settle.

Anger rose within me.

I wanted to explain away the shame that I felt inside.

But instead,

I just sat with it.

They weren't saying this to tear me down.

They weren't attacking me.

They were calling me forward.

And it was this kind of challenge that I had been avoiding for years.

And that's when I learned that iron sharpens iron.

And these friends were the nearest and dearest that I can hold closest to my heart.

Because they helped me see myself more than others had done before.

So that night after the conversation,

I went home and I watched my son as he played with his toys.

And I realized something.

This wasn't just about my friendships.

This was about him too.

Because if I kept living this way,

If I kept avoiding conflict,

If I kept molding myself to fit what others wanted,

What was I teaching him?

What was I imprinting upon him?

That love means erasing yourself?

That speaking up is dangerous?

That the only way to belong is to be agreeable?

No.

Definitely not.

When I put it like that,

Absolutely not.

That wasn't the legacy that I want to pass down.

That's not leadership.

That's not fatherhood.

So the next morning I made a decision.

I started saying no when I meant no.

Started having the uncomfortable conversations I had been avoiding.

I started trusting that I am enough,

Even if not everyone likes me all the time.

And you know what?

The world didn't end.

Not everyone understood.

Not everyone stayed close.

There was definitely some rocky moments.

And it's still a challenge for me to this day.

But the relationships that mattered,

The ones rooted in real love and mutual respect,

They grew even stronger.

And I grew stronger as a result as well.

And my son?

Well,

I believe he's starting to see a father who isn't afraid to stand in his truth.

A father who doesn't just talk about integrity,

But lives it.

And sometimes the greatest act of love isn't making people comfortable.

It's calling them forward,

Just like my friends did for me.

So if you're listening to this and you've been living in that same cycle,

If you've been saying yes when you mean no,

If you've been afraid to disappoint people,

Ask yourself this.

Who are you really protecting?

Because the people who truly belong in your life,

They don't need you to be agreeable.

They need you to be real.

So let's dive deeper into this.

The role of true friendship.

The kind of friendship that doesn't just make you feel good,

But makes you better.

The kind of friendship that isn't afraid to tell you the truth,

Even if it's uncomfortable.

Because let's get real.

Most of us have had people in our lives who only tell us what we want to hear.

Maybe they too are afraid of conflict.

Maybe they don't want to rock the boat.

Or maybe,

Just maybe,

They're not really the kind of friends who want to see you grow.

And when that happens,

We stagnate.

But here's the thing.

Self-leadership requires honest reflection.

And often,

The best mirror is another person.

If we surround ourselves with people who flatter us,

Or let us off the hook,

We stay blind to our faults.

And as fathers,

As leaders,

That's dangerous.

Because the blind spots we refuse to address will inevitably spill over into our parenting,

Into our partnerships,

And into our work.

So let's unpack why true friendship,

The kind that challenges us,

That calls us forward,

Is essential for self-leadership and for raising the next generation with integrity.

So let's start by defining what do I mean by a true friend.

What is a true friend?

A true friend isn't just someone who shares your interests or makes you laugh.

They help you stay true to yourself.

A true friend sees your highest potential and refuses to let you settle for less.

They're the ones who call you out when you're making excuses.

The ones who don't just listen to your problems,

But challenge you to solve them.

They don't allow lazy thinking.

You know the difference between someone who says,

Hey that stinks man,

I get it.

And the person who says,

That stinks,

But what are you going to do about it?

One keeps you where you are,

The other forces you to move forward.

And they support you in that process.

This is crucial in self-leadership because growth requires friction.

If all your friendships are easy,

If no one ever challenges your thinking,

Then you're keeping yourself small.

You're probably stuck in an echo chamber.

And echo chambers don't make leaders,

They forge confirmation bias.

And they make people who feel good in the moment,

But do not evolve over time.

And this brings me back to one of the most underrated skills in leadership and parenting.

And that's giving and receiving feedback.

Think about the best leaders you have worked with in your life.

They didn't avoid hard conversations.

They didn't tell people what they wanted to hear just to keep the peace.

They were willing to be uncomfortable,

To give the kind of feedback that might sting in the moment,

But leads to real growth.

Now think about your friendships.

Who in your life does that for you?

Who isn't afraid to tell you when you're off track?

And if you can't name anyone,

That's a problem.

And if you're a father,

This matters even more.

Because the way you handle feedback,

How you receive it,

How you give it,

That becomes the model that your children absorb.

If you react defensively to honest feedback,

Your kids will learn to do the same.

If you surround yourself with yes-men,

People who never challenge you,

Your kids will learn to do the same.

And that's how we create a culture of stagnation instead of a culture of growth.

Let's play out a bit more how this shows up in parenting.

This really,

It's near and dear to my heart.

There's a trend in modern parenting that I often see in leadership as well,

Quite honestly.

One that confuses encouragement with flattery.

We want our kids to feel good,

To be confident,

To have high self-esteem.

But confidence isn't built on empty praise.

It's built on competence.

And competence is built through challenge and having someone to be there for you when you succeed and when you fall.

If we constantly tell our kids,

You're amazing,

You're the best,

You can do anything,

But we never give them the honest feedback that they need to improve,

We set them up for a rude awakening.

One that I often see in emerging leaders when they come out of the track of AP to Ivy School to then working at a company where they receive feedback that is hard for them to hear but they need to hear.

It tears them down.

They don't know how to operate.

Their system shuts down.

The world won't always tell them that they're the best.

And if they've never learned how to handle constructive criticism,

They'll crumble when real life hits.

So that's why as fathers we need to be willing to challenge our children.

And this goes out to mothers as well,

Of course.

Not in a way that tears them down.

I want to be very clear about that.

It's not what I'm saying.

But in a way that builds them up with an open heart.

I often talk about how one of the most courageous journeys we can take in our lives is the 18 inches from our heads to our hearts.

And I mean that here as well.

This is the same way that a true friend does this for us.

Giving honest,

Direct feedback with an open heart and a shoulder to lean on.

I often talk about holding the mirror up.

So I invite you to be honest with yourself.

How often do you challenge yourself?

If we can't handle honest feedback from our friends,

How can we expect our kids to handle it from us?

If we avoid discomfort,

How can we expect our kids to embrace it?

So here's my challenge to all of you today.

And this goes out to myself as well.

Take an inventory of your closest relationships.

Who in your life challenges you?

Who calls you forward instead of just patting you on the back and saying nice job?

And if you don't have those kind of friendships,

What are you going to do about it?

Because leadership,

Whether it's in business or fatherhood,

It's not meant to be alone.

We need a village.

We need a village.

But not just any village.

We need a strong village.

A village that sharpens us.

That forces us to grow.

That doesn't let us off the hook when we start making excuses.

If you've been playing it safe,

And I want to be clear and say I can empathize with that and I have a tremendous amount of compassion for you.

If you've surrounded yourself with people who only ever affirm you,

Consider that maybe it's time to seek out the friends who will tell you the truth.

And this might be uncomfortable.

It might even hurt.

But I promise you this,

On the other side of that discomfort is the growth that you've been looking for.

So what's one action step you can take today?

Super small.

Maybe it's calling up a friend and asking for some real feedback.

Maybe it's looking at how you respond when someone challenges you.

Maybe it's reflecting on how you're giving feedback to your own kids.

Whatever it is,

Don't leave listening to this without taking some micro action.

Growth doesn't happen by accident.

It happens through intention,

Through challenge,

Through surrounding yourself with people who refuse to let you stay the same and play small.

So thanks for listening.

And if this resonates with you,

I invite you to share this with one person who you feel also needs to hear it.

And as always,

Keep leading yourself first.

Because the way that you lead yourself determines how you lead everyone else in your life.

Reviews

Interesting. One of the bravest things I recently did was leave a dream job I was competent in, as I moved up in management....and took a demotion and pay cut for a fresh start, away from toxicity that was leading me through burnout. Trying to keep on as a parent, spouse, etc has been challenging and often uncomfortable...as I face facts along these lines. Thanks for the reminder...even if it doesn't feel great...at least not right now