Diary Of A Provincial Lady, Chapter 3

Diary of a Provincial Lady, published nearly a hundred years ago by E M Delafield, is a direct ancestor of Bridget Jones' Diary. In tonight's episode, our narrator and her husband Robert attend a dinner held by Lady Boxe, whose outfit makes everyone else's look old-fashioned. A notable author is present, but our narrator's attempts to track down their book before the dinner have been unsuccessful.

This gentle story of the daily ups and downs of domestic life has also been compared with George Grossmith's Diary of a Nobody, available narrated by me in Free Tracks.

Transcript

Hello there,

It's Mandy here.

Thanks for joining me tonight and welcome back to Diary of a Provincial Lady by E.

M.

Dellafield.

Edmé Elizabeth threw herself into volunteering during the First World War,

But in slack periods in the summer,

She sat on a bench in the park mapping out her first novel,

Zella Sees Herself.

It's a savage,

Obsessive and quite alarming piece of writing,

Attacking personal vanity and the defence mechanism of daydreaming.

But the novel was well received and three other novels followed,

Before in 1919 she married Francis Dashwood,

Second son of a sixth baronet.

So we've reached chapter three.

So before I start reading,

Please go ahead and make yourself really comfortable.

Settle down into your chair or into your bed,

Relax your hands,

Soften your shoulders and loosen your jaw.

That's great.

And if you're ready,

Then I shall begin.

November the 22nd.

Invitation from Lady Box to us to dine and meet distinguished literary friends staying with her,

One of whom is the author of Symphony in Three Sexes.

Hesitate to write back and say that I've never heard of Symphony in Three Sexes,

So merely accept.

Ask for Symphony in Three Sexes at the library,

Though doubtfully.

Doubt more than justified by tone in which Mr Jones replies that it is not in stock and never has been.

Ask Robert whether he thinks I had better wear my blue or my black and gold at Lady B's.

He says that either will do.

Ask if he can remember which one I wore last time.

He cannot.

Madam Wazzell says it was the blue and offers to make slight alterations to black and gold,

Which will,

She says,

Render it unrecognisable.

I accept and she cuts large pieces out of the back of it.

Tell Robert about the distinguished literary friends,

But do not mention Symphony in Three Sexes.

He makes no answer.

Have absolutely decided that if Lady B should introduce us to distinguished literary friends or anyone else as our agent and our agent's wife,

I shall at once leave the house.

I tell Robert this.

He says nothing.

Memo,

Put evening shoes out of window to see if fresh air will remove smell of petrol.

November the 25th,

Go and get haircut and have manicure in the morning in honour of Lady B's dinner party.

Should like a new pair of evening stockings,

But depressing communication from bank,

Still maintaining that I am overdrawn,

Prevents this.

Also,

Rather unpleasantly worded letter from Messrs Frippie and Coleman requesting payment of overdue account by return of post.

Think better not to mention this to Robert as bill for coal arrived yesterday.

Also,

Reminder that rates are much overdue.

Therefore,

Write civilly to Messrs F and C to the effect that check follows in a few days.

Hope they may think I have temporarily mislaid checkbook.

Black and gold as rearranged by Mademoiselle,

Very satisfactory,

But I'm obliged to do my hair five times owing to the wave having been badly set.

Robert unfortunately comes in just as I'm using brand new and expensive lipstick and objects strongly to the result.

Query,

If Robert could be induced to go to London rather oftener,

Would he perhaps take a broader view of these things?

I'm convinced we are going to be late as Robert has trouble in getting car to start,

But he refuses to be agitated.

I'm bound to add that subsequent events justify this attitude as we arrive before anybody else,

Also before Lady B is down.

Count at least a dozen Roman hyacinths growing in bowls all over the drawing room,

Probably grown by one of the gardeners,

Whatever Lady B may say.

Resolve not to comment on them in any way,

But I'm conscious that this is slightly ungenerous.

Lady B comes down wearing silver lace frock that nearly touches the floor all round and has new waistline.

This may or may not be becoming,

But has effect of making everybody else's frock look out of date.

Nine other people present beside ourselves,

Most of them staying in house.

Nobody is introduced.

Decide that a lady in what looks like blue tapestry is probably responsible for symphony and three sexes.

Just as dinner is announced,

Lady B murmurs to me,

I've put you next to Sir William.

He's interested in water supplies,

You know,

And I thought you'd like to talk to him about local conditions.

Find,

To my surprise,

That Sir W and I embark almost at once on the subject of birth control.

Why or how this topic presents itself cannot say at all,

But greatly prefer it to water supplies.

On the other side of the table,

Robert is sitting next to symphony and three sexes.

Hope he is enjoying himself.

Conversation becomes general.

Everybody,

Except Robert,

Talks about books.

We all say,

A,

That we have read The Good Companions,

B,

That it is a very long book,

C,

That it was chosen by the Book of the Month Club in America and must be having immense sales,

And D,

That American sales are what really count.

We then turn to high wind in Jamaica and say,

A,

That it is quite a short book,

B,

That we hated or alternatively adored it,

And C,

That it really is exactly like children.

A small minority here surges into being and maintains,

No,

They cannot believe that any children in the world wouldn't ever have noticed that John wasn't there anymore.

They can swallow everything else,

They say,

But not that.

Discussion very active indeed.

I talked to pale young man with horn-rimmed glasses sitting at my left hand about Jamaica,

Where neither of us has ever been.

This leads,

But cannot say how,

To stag hunting and eventually to homeopathy.

Memo,

Interesting,

If time permitted,

To trace train of thought leading on from one topic to another.

Second and most disquieting idea,

Perhaps no such train of thought exists.

Just as we reach interchange of opinions about growing cucumbers under glass,

Lady B gets up.

Go into the drawing room and all exclaim how nice it is to see the fire.

Room very cold.

Queery,

Is this good for the bulbs?

Lady in blue tapestry takes down her hair,

Which she says is growing,

Then puts it up again.

We all begin to talk about hair.

Depressed to find that everybody in the world,

Except apparently myself,

Has grown or is growing long hair again.

Lady B says that nowadays there isn't a shingled head to be seen anywhere,

Either in London,

Paris or New York.

Nonsense.

Discover in the course of the evening that the blue tapestry has nothing whatever to do with literature,

But is a government sanitary inspector and that symphony in three sexes was written by pale young man with glasses.

Lady B says,

Did I get him onto the subject of perversion as he is always so amusing about it?

I reply evasively.

Men come in and all herded into billiard room,

Just as drawing room seems to be getting slightly warmer,

Where Lady B inaugurates unpleasant game of skill with billiard balls involving possession of a straight eye,

Which most of us do not possess.

Robert does well at this.

I'm thrilled and feel it to be a more satisfactory way of acquiring distinction than even authorship of symphony in three sexes.

Congratulate Robert on the way home,

But he makes no reply.

November the 26th,

Robert says at breakfast that he thinks we are no longer young enough for late nights.

Frippie and Coleman regret that they can no longer allow account to stand over,

But must request favour of a check by return,

Or will be compelled with utmost regret to take further steps.

Have written to bank to transfer six pounds,

13 shillings and 10 pence from deposit account to current.

This leaves three pounds,

Seven shillings and 10 pence to keep deposit account open.

Decide to put off paying milk book till next month and to let cleaners have something on account instead of full settlement.

This enables me to send F&C check post-dated December the 1st when allowance becomes due.

Financial instability very trying.

November 28th,

Receipt from F&C assuring me of attention to my future wishes,

But evidently far from realising magnitude of effort involved in setting myself straight with them.

To be continued.

Reviews

Gosh! I can dose 😴 off in 5 minutes most nights now, so it took me 3 tries to hear the chapter to the end!! 😄
Thank you for your reading, Mandy!

I love the humor & especially in this chapter when Robert said he didn’t think they were young enough anymore for late nights. Thank you for this story.

She captures the banality of that dinner party perfectly! Thanks Mandy

Such a gift awaited me this morning. I do like your introduction and the information you share about the author. Great story, thanks for the exposure and of course lovely read.💝