Diary Of A Nobody, Chapters 5 And 6

Welcome to Diary of a Nobody, a gently comic tale of life in Victorian London as seen through the eyes of the snobbish yet strangely likable Mr Pooter. In this episode, his son Lupin turns up and the family go on holiday to Broadstairs. I do hope you enjoy it.

Transcript

Hello,

It's Mandy here.

It's lovely to have you here for chapters five and six of the Diary of a Nobody.

It's a gently comic novel written in 1888 by brothers Charles and Weedon Grosmith.

Thanks so much if you've been following the story and if you've already listened to the earlier chapters.

I really appreciate your company on this journey but if you're new to the story it really doesn't matter,

You can join us at any point.

We'll settle down to enjoy this disarmingly honest tale of Victorian life in London as seen through the eyes of Mr Charles Pooter.

So do go ahead and make yourself really comfortable.

Chapter five.

May the 8th.

I woke up with the most terrible headache.

I could scarcely see and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick.

I thought first of sending for a doctor but I didn't think it necessary.

When up I felt faint and went to Brownishes,

The chemist,

Who gave me a draft.

So bad at the office I had to get leave to come home.

Went to another chemist in the city and got another draft.

Brownishes though seems to have made me worse,

Have eaten nothing all day.

To make matters worse,

Carrie,

Every time I spoke to her,

Answered me sharply.

That is when she answered at all.

In the evening I felt very much worse again and I said to her,

I do believe I've been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the mansion house last night.

She simply replied without taking her eyes from her sewing.

Champagne never did agree with you.

I felt irritated and said,

What nonsense you talk.

I only had a glass and a half and you know as well as I do.

But before I could complete the sentence,

She bounced out of the room.

I sat over an hour waiting for her to return but as she did not,

I determined I would go to bed.

I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without even saying goodnight,

Leaving me to bar the scullery door and feed the cat.

I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning.

May the 9th,

Still a little shaky with black specks.

The Blackfriars bi-weekly news contains a long list of the guests at the mansion house ball.

Disappointed to find our names omitted,

Though Farmersons is in,

Plainly enough,

With MLL after it,

Whatever that may mean.

More than vexed because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends.

Wrote to the Blackfriars bi-weekly news pointing out their omission.

Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour.

I helped myself to a cup of tea and I said,

Perfectly calmly and quietly,

Carrie,

I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.

She replied,

Indeed,

And I desire something more than a little explanation of your conduct the night before.

I said,

Coolly,

Really,

I don't understand you.

Carrie said,

Sneeringly,

Probably not.

You were scarcely in a condition to understand anything.

I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated,

Caroline.

She said,

Don't be theatrical,

It has no effect on me.

Reserve that tone for your new friend,

Mr Farmerson,

The iron monger.

I was about to speak when Carrie,

In a temper such as I have never seen her in before,

Told me to hold my tongue.

She said,

Now I'm going to say something.

After professing to snub Mr Farmerson,

You permit him to snub you in my presence and then accept his invitation to take a glass of tea with him.

Then accept his invitation to take a glass of champagne with you and you don't limit yourself to one glass.

You then offer this vulgar man who made a bungle of repairing our scraper,

A seat in our cab on the way home.

I say nothing about his tearing my dress in getting in the cab,

Nor of treading on Mrs James's expensive fan which you knocked out of my hand and for which he never even apologised.

But you smoked all the way home without having the decency to ask my permission.

And that is not all.

At the end of the journey,

Although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share of the cab,

You asked him in.

Fortunately he was sober enough to detect from my manner that his company was not desirable.

Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this.

But to make matters worse,

Gowing entered the room without knocking,

With two hats on his head and holding the garden rake in his hand,

With Carrie's fur tippet which he had taken off the downstairs hall peg,

Round his neck and announced himself in a loud coarse voice,

His Royal Highness the Lord Mayor.

He marched twice round the room like a buffoon and finding we took no notice said,

Hello,

What's up?

Lovers quarrel,

Eh?

There was a silence for a moment,

So I said quietly,

My dear Gowing,

I'm not very well and not quite in the humour for joking,

Especially when you enter the room without knocking,

An act which I fail to see the fun of.

Gowing said,

I'm very sorry but I called for my stick which I thought you would have sent round.

I handed him his stick which I remembered I had painted black with the enamel paint,

Thinking to improve it.

He looked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said,

Who did this?

I said,

Did what?

He said,

Did what?

Why?

Destroyed my stick?

It belonged to my poor uncle and I value it more than anything I have in the world.

I'll know who did it.

I said,

I'm very sorry.

I dare say it will come off.

I did it for the best.

Gowing said,

Then all I can say is it's a confounded liberty and I would add you're a bigger fool than you look,

Only that's absolutely impossible.

May the 12th.

Got a single copy of the Blackfriars bi-weekly news.

There was a short list of several names they had omitted but the stupid people had mentioned our names as Mr and Mrs C Porter.

Most annoying.

Wrote again and I took particular care to write our name in capital letters,

Pooter,

So that there should be no possible mistake this time.

May the 16th.

Absolutely disgusted on opening the Blackfriars bi-weekly news of today to find the following paragraph.

We have received two letters from Mr and Mrs Charles Puter requesting us to announce the important fact that they were at the Mansion House ball.

I tore up the paper and threw it in the waste paper basket.

My time is far too valuable to bother about such trifles.

May the 21st.

The last week or 10 days terribly dull.

Carrie being away at Mrs James's at Sutton.

Cummings also away.

Gowing,

I presume,

Is still offended with me for black enamelling his stick without asking him.

May 22nd.

Purchased a new stick mounted with silver which cost seven and sixpence.

I shall tell Carrie five shillings and sent it round with a nice note to Gowing.

May the 23rd.

Received a strange note from Gowing.

He said,

Offended?

Not a bit,

My boy.

I thought you were offended with me for losing my temper.

Besides,

I found after all it was not my poor old uncle's stick you painted.

It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist's.

However,

I'm much obliged to you for your handsome present.

All the same.

May the 24th.

Carrie back.

Hurrah.

She looks wonderfully well,

Except that the sun has caught her nose.

May the 25th.

Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take them to Trillips round the corner.

She said,

The fronts and cuffs are much frayed.

I said,

Without a moment's hesitation,

I'm afraid they are.

Lor,

How we roared.

I thought we should never stop laughing.

As I happened to be sitting next to the driver going to town on the bus,

I told him my joke about the frayed shirts.

I thought he would have rolled off his seat.

They laughed at the office a good bit over it too.

May the 26th.

Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillips.

I said to him,

I'm frayed they are frayed.

He said,

Without a smile,

They're bound to do that,

Sir.

Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.

June the 1st.

The last week has been like old times.

Carrie being back and going and Cummings calling every evening nearly.

Twice we sat out in the garden quite late.

This evening we were like a pack of children and played Consequences.

It is a good game.

June the 2nd.

Consequences again this evening.

Not quite so successful as last night.

Gowing having several times overstepped the limits of good taste.

June the 4th.

In the evening,

Carrie and I went round to Mr and Mrs Cummings to spend a quiet evening with them.

Gowing was there,

Also Mr Stilbrook.

It was quiet but pleasant.

Mrs Cummings sang five or six songs.

No Sir and The Garden of Sleep being best in my humble judgment.

But what pleased me most was the duet she sang with Carrie,

A classical duet too.

I think it is called I Would That My Love.

It was beautiful.

It was beautiful.

If Carrie had been in better voice,

I don't think professionals could have sung it better.

After supper we made them sing it again.

I never liked Mr Stilbrook since the walk that Sunday to the Cow and Hedge,

But I must say he sings comic songs well.

His song We Don't Want The Old Man Now made us shriek with laughter,

Especially the verse referring to Mr Gladstone.

But there was one verse I think he might have omitted and I said so,

But Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.

June the 6th.

Trillip brought round the shirts and to my disgust his charge for repairing was more than I gave for them when new.

I told him so and he impertinently replied,

Well they're better now than when they were new.

I paid him and said it was a robbery.

He said if you wanted your shirt fronts made out of pauper linen such as is used for packing and bookbinding,

Why didn't you say so?

June the 7th.

A dreadful annoyance.

Met Mr Franching,

Who lives at Peckham and who is a great swell in his way.

I ventured to ask him to come to meet tea and take potluck.

I didn't think he would accept such a humble invitation,

But he did,

Saying in a most friendly way he would rather Peck with us than by himself.

I said we had better get into this blue bus.

He replied,

No blue bussing for me.

I have had enough of the blues lately.

I lost a cool thou over the copper scare.

Step in here.

We drove up home in style in a handsome cab and I knocked three times at the front door without getting an answer.

I saw Carrie through the panels of ground glass with stars rushing upstairs.

I told Mr Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side.

There I saw the grocer's boy actually picking off the paint on the door which had formed into blisters.

No time to reprove him,

So went round and effected an entrance through the kitchen window.

I let in Mr Franching and showed him into the drawing room.

I went upstairs to Carrie,

Who was changing her dress,

And told her I had persuaded Mr Franching to come home.

She replied,

How can you do such a thing?

You know it's Sarah's holiday and there's not a thing in the house.

The cold mutton has turned with the hot weather.

Eventually Carrie,

Like the good creature she is,

Slipped down,

Washed up the teacups and laid the cloth and I gave Franching our views of Japan to look at while I ran round to the butcher's to get three chops.

July the 30th.

The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie or both.

We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal times.

This morning,

For some unaccountable reason,

We were talking about balloons and we were as merry as possible.

But the conversation drifted into family matters,

During which Carrie,

Without the slightest reason,

Referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father's pecuniary trouble.

I retorted by saying that Pa at all events was a gentleman,

Whereupon Carrie burst out crying.

I positively could not eat any breakfast.

At the office I was sent for by Mr Perkupp,

Who said he was very sorry but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday.

Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club,

The Constitutional.

Fearing disagreeables at home after the tiff this morning,

I sent a telegram to Carrie,

Telling her I was going out to dine and she was not to sit up.

Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie.

July 31st.

Carrie was very pleased with the bangle,

Which I left with an affectionate note on her dressing table last night before going to bed.

I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday.

She replied quite happily that she didn't mind,

Except that the weather was so bad and she feared that Miss Gibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress in time.

I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pink bows looked quite good enough and Carrie said she should not think of wearing that.

I was about to discuss the matter when,

Remembering the argument yesterday,

Resolved to hold my tongue.

I said to Carrie,

I don't think we can do better than good old Broadstairs.

But Carrie,

Not only to my astonishment,

Raised an objection to Broadstairs for the first time,

But begged me not to use the expression good old,

But to leave it to Mr Stillbrook and other gentlemen of his type.

Hearing my bus pass the window,

I was obliged to rush out of the house without kissing Carrie as usual and I shouted to her,

I leave it up to you to decide.

On returning in the evening,

Carrie said she thought as the time was so short,

She had decided on Broadstairs and had written to Mrs Beck,

Harbour View Terrace for apartments.

August the 1st,

Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards and told them not to cut them so loose over the boot.

The last pair being so loose and also tight at the knee,

Looked like a sailor's and I heard Pitt,

That objectionable youth at the office,

Call out hornpipe as I passed his desk.

Carrie has ordered of Miss Gibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue serge skirt,

Which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside.

In the evening,

She trimmed herself a little sailor hat while I read to her the exchange and Mart.

We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat when she'd finished it.

Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard and how the people would have roared if I went on the stage like it.

August the 2nd,

Mrs Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms at Broadstairs,

So that's off our mind.

Bought a coloured shirt and a pair of tan coloured boots,

Which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in the city and I hear are all the go.

August the 3rd,

A beautiful day,

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Carrie bought a parasol about five feet long.

I told her it was ridiculous.

She said Mrs James of Sutton has one twice as long so.

So the matter dropped.

I bought a capital hat for hot weather at the seaside.

I don't know what it is called,

But it's the shape of the helmet worn in India,

Only made of straw.

Got three new ties,

Two coloured handkerchiefs and a pair of navy blue socks at the Pope Brothers.

Spent the evening packing.

Carrie told me not to forget to borrow Mr Higgsworth's telescope,

Which he always lends me,

Knowing I know how to take care of it.

Sent Sarah out for it.

While everything was seeming so bright,

The last post brought us a letter from Mrs Beck saying,

I have just let all my house to one party and I'm sorry I must take back my words and I'm sorry you must find other apartments,

But Mrs Womming next door will be pleased to accommodate you,

But she cannot take you before Monday as her rooms are engaged,

Bank holiday week.

Chapter six,

August the fourth.

The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son,

Willie,

Acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him the day before yesterday,

Being his 20th birthday.

To our utter amazement,

He turned up himself in the afternoon,

Having journeyed all the way from Oldham.

He said he'd got leave from the bank and as Monday was a holiday,

He thought he would give us a little surprise.

August the fifth,

Sunday.

We haven't seen Willie since last Christmas and are pleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown.

One would scarcely believe he was Carrie's son.

He looks more like a younger brother.

I rather disapprove of his wearing a checked suit on a Sunday and I think he ought to have gone to church this morning,

But he said he was tired after yesterday's journey,

So I refrained from any remark on the subject.

We had a bottle of port for dinner and drank to Willie's health.

He said,

Oh by the by,

Did I tell you I've cut my first name,

William,

And taken the second name,

Lupin.

In fact,

I'm only known at Oldham as Lupin Pooter.

If you were to Willie me there,

They wouldn't know what you meant.

Of course,

Lupin being a purely family name,

Carrie was delighted and began by giving a long history of the Lupins.

I ventured to say that I thought William a nice simple name and reminded him he was christened after his uncle William,

Who was much respected in the city.

Willie,

In a manner which I did not much care for,

Said sneeringly,

I know all about that,

Good old Bill,

And helped himself to a third glass of port.

Carrie objected strongly to my saying good old,

But she made no remark when Willie used the double adjective.

I said nothing but looked at her,

Which meant more.

I said,

My dear Willie,

I hope you're happy with your colleagues at the bank.

He replied,

Lupin,

If you please.

And with respect to the bank,

There's not a clerk who is a gentleman and the boss is a cad.

I felt so shocked I could say nothing and my instinct told me there was something wrong.

August the 6th,

Bank holiday.

As there was a sign of Lupin moving at nine o'clock,

I knocked at his door and said,

We usually breakfasted at half past eight and asked how long would he be?

Lupin replied that he had had a lively time of it,

First with the train shaking the house all night and then with the sun streaming in through the window into his eyes and giving him a cracking headache.

Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up and he said he could do with a cup of tea,

But he didn't want anything to eat.

Lupin not having come down,

I went up again at half past one and said we dined at two and he said he would be there.

He never came down till a quarter to three.

I said,

We haven't seen much of you and you'll have to return by the 5.

30 train,

Therefore you'll have to leave in an hour unless you go by the midnight mail.

He said,

Look here governor,

It's no use beating about the bush,

Beating about the bush,

I've tendered my resignation at the bank.

For a moment I couldn't speak.

When my speech came again,

I said,

How dare you sir,

How dare you take such a serious step without consulting me.

Don't answer me sir,

You will sit down immediately and write a note at my dictation withdrawing your resignation and amply apologising for your thoughtlessness.

Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw,

It's no use,

If you want the good old truth,

I've got the chuck.

August the 7th,

Mr Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a week as we couldn't get the room.

This will give us an opportunity of trying to find an appointment for Willie before we go.

The ambition of my life would be to get him into Mr Perkupp's firm.

August the 11th,

Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on our hands,

Still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the bank simply because he took no interest in his work and always arrived an hour or sometimes two hours late.

We can all start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart.

This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days.

They have been wasted over a useless correspondence with the manager of the bank at Oldham.

August the 13th,

Hurrah at Broadstairs,

Very nice apartments near the station.

On the cliffs they would have been double the price.

The landlady had a nice five o'clock dinner and tea ready which we all enjoyed,

Although Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to be a fly in the butter.

It was very wet in the evening for which I was thankful as it was a good excuse for going to bed early.

Lupin said he would sit up and read a bit.

August the 14th,

I was a little annoyed to find Lupin,

Instead of reading last night,

Had gone to a common sort of entertainment given at the assembly rooms.

I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy of respectable patronage but he replied,

Oh it was only for one night only.

I had a fit of the blues come on and thought I would go to see Polly Preswell,

England's particular spark.

I told him I was proud to say I had never heard of her.

Carrie said,

Do let the boy alone,

He's quite old enough to take care of himself and he won't forget he's a gentleman.

Remember you were young once yourself.

It rained all day hard but Lupin would go out.

August the 15th,

Cleared up a bit so we all took the train to Margate and the first person we met on the jetty was Gowing.

I said,

Hello I thought you had gone to Barmouth.

I said,

Hello I thought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends.

He said,

Yes but young Peter Lawrence was so ill they postponed their visit so I came down here.

You know the Cummings are here too.

Carrie said,

Oh that will be delightful.

We must have some evenings together and have games.

I introduced Lupin saying,

You'll be pleased to find we have our dear boy at home.

Gowing said,

How's that you don't mean to say he's left the bank.

I changed the subject quickly and thereby avoided any of those awkward questions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.

August the 16th,

Lupin positively refused to walk down the parade with me because I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock coat.

I don't know what the boy is coming to.

August the 17th,

Lupin not falling in with our views,

Carrie and I went for a sail.

It was a relief to be with her alone for when Lupin irritates me she always sides with him.

On our return he said,

Oh you've been on the Schillingham attic have you?

You'll come to Sixpenneth on the liver jerker next.

I presume he meant a tricycle but I affected not to understand him.

August the 18th,

Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening at Margate.

It being wet,

Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the hotel and have a game of billiards knowing I never play and in fact disapprove of the game.

Cummings said he must hasten back to Margate whereupon Lupin to my horror said I'll give you a game Gowing,

A hundred up.

A walk around the cloth will give me an appetite for dinner.

I said perhaps Mr Gowing does not care to play with boys.

Gowing surprised me by saying oh yes I do if they play well and they walked off together.

August the 19th,

Sunday.

I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking which he indulges in violently and billiards but he put on his hat and walked out.

Carrie then read me a long sermon on the palpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a mere child.

I felt she was somewhat right so in the evening I offered him a cigar.

He seemed pleased but after a few whiffs he said this is a good old Tupney,

Try one of mine and he handed me a cigar as long as it was strong which is saying a good deal.

August the 20th,

I'm glad our last day at the seaside was fine though clouded overhead.

We went over to Cummings at Margate in the evening and as it was cold we stayed in and played games,

Gowing as usual overstepping the mark.

He suggested we should play Cutlets,

A game we'd never heard of.

He sat on the chair and asked Carrie to sit on his lap,

An invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined.

After some species of wrangling I sat on Gowing's knees and Carrie sat on the edge of mine.

Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie's lap then Cummings on Lupin's and Mrs Cummings on her husband's.

We looked very ridiculous and laughed a good deal.

Gowing then said,

Are you a believer in the great mogul?

We had to answer all together,

Yes,

Oh yes,

Three times.

Gowing said,

So am I and suddenly got up.

The result of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of the fender.

Mrs Cummings put some vinegar on but through all this we missed the last train and had to drive back and had to drive back to Broadstairs which cost me seven and sixpence.

To be continued.

Reviews

Only made it a couple minutes before blessed sleep, I’ll happily try again! 😅🤓❤️ got though after five sleeps— oh Lupin… funny little family! Fun read, thanks!

Oh blimey …what is to happen next? I can hardly wait for the next installment! What a wonderful story dear Mandy. And your reading of it is so delightful,