Diary Of A Nobody, Chapters 15 And 16

Enjoy the latest chapters of this disarmingly honest tale of life in Victorian London as seen through the eyes of Mr Charles Pooter. Find out what happens when the Pooters go out for a drive in a pony and trap with their son Lupin at the reins.

Transcript

Hello,

It's Mandy here.

It's lovely to have you with me for the latest chapters of The Diary of a Nobody,

A gently comic novel written in 1888 by the brothers Charles and Weedon Grossmith.

Thanks so much if you've been following the story and have already listened to the earlier chapters.

I really appreciate your company on this journey.

But if you're new to the story,

It really doesn't matter.

You can join us at any point.

So now,

Please feel free to make yourself really comfortable and we'll settle down to enjoy this disarmingly honest tale of Victorian life in London,

As seen through the eyes of Mr Charles Pooter.

Chapter 15.

February the 8th.

It does seem hard that I can't get good sausages for breakfast.

They are either full of bread or spice,

Or are as red as beef.

Still anxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin's advice.

However,

Cummings has done the same.

February the 9th.

Exactly a fortnight has passed and I have neither seen nor heard from Gowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round to his house and then being out.

In the evening,

Carrie was engaged,

Marking a half dozen new collars I had purchased.

I'll back Carrie's marking against anybody's.

While I was drying them at the fire,

And Carrie was rebuking me for scorching them,

Cummings came in.

He seemed quite well again and chaffed us about marking the collars.

I asked him if he had heard from Gowing and he replied that he had not.

I said I should not have believed that Gowing could have acted in such an ungentlemanly manner.

Cummings said,

You are mild in your description of him.

I think he has acted like a cad.

These words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened and Gowing,

Putting in his head,

Said,

May I come in?

I said,

Certainly.

Carrie said,

Very pointedly,

Well,

You are a stranger.

Gowing said,

Yes,

I have been on and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.

I could see that Cummings was boiling over and eventually he tackled Gowing very strongly,

Respecting his conduct last Saturday week.

Gowing appeared surprised.

He said,

Why,

I posted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the party was off,

Very much off.

I said,

I never got it.

Gowing,

Turning to Carrie,

Said,

I suppose letters sometimes miscarry,

Don't they,

Mrs Carrie?

Cummings sharply said,

This is not a time for joking.

I had no notice of the party being put off.

Gowing replied,

I told Pooter in my note to tell you as I was in a hurry.

However,

I'll enquire at the post office and we must meet again at my place.

I added that I hoped he would be present at the next meeting.

Carrie roared at this and even Cummings couldn't help laughing.

February the 10th,

Sunday.

Contrary to my wishes,

Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade her to take her for a drive in the afternoon in his trap.

I quite disapprove of driving on a Sunday,

But I did not like to trust Carrie alone with Lupin,

So I offered to go too.

Lupin said,

Now,

That is nice of you,

Gov,

But you won't mind sitting on the back seat of the cart?

Lupin proceeded to put on a bright blue coat that seemed miles too large for him.

Carrie said it wanted taking in considerably at the back.

Lupin said,

Haven't you seen a box coat before?

You can't drive in anything else.

He may wear what he likes in the future,

I shall never drive with him again.

His conduct was shocking.

When we passed Highgate Archway,

He tried to pass everything and everybody.

He shouted to respectable people who were walking quietly in the road to get out of the way.

He flicked at the horse of an old man who was riding,

Causing it to rear,

And as I had to ride backwards,

I was compelled to face a gang of roughs in a donkey cart whom Lupin had chaffed and who turned and followed us for nearly a mile,

Bellowing,

Indulging in coarse jokes and laughter to say nothing of occasionally pelting us with orange peel.

Lupin's excuse that the Prince of Wales would have to put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to the Derby was a little consolation to either Carrie or myself.

Frank Muttler called in the evening and Lupin went out with him.

February the 11th.

Feeling a little concerned about Lupin,

I mustered up courage to speak to Mr.

Perkupp about him.

Mr.

Perkupp has always been most kind to me,

So I told him everything,

Including yesterday's adventure.

Mr.

Perkupp kindly replied,

There is no necessity for you to be anxious,

Mr.

Pooter.

It would be impossible for a son of such good parents to turn out erroneously.

Remember,

He is young and will soon get older.

I wish we could find room for him in this firm.

The advice of this good man takes loads off my mind.

In the evening,

Lupin came in.

After our little supper,

He said,

My dear parents,

I have some news.

I fear it will affect you considerably.

I felt a qualm come over me and said nothing.

Lupin then said,

It may distress you.

In fact,

I'm sure it will.

But this afternoon,

I have given up my pony and trap forever.

It may seem absurd,

But I was so pleased I immediately opened a bottle of port.

Gowing dropped in just in time,

Bringing with him a large sheet with the print of a tailless donkey,

Which he fastened against the wall.

He then produced several separate tails,

And we spent the remainder of the evening trying blindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place.

My sides positively ached with laughter when I went to bed.

February the 12th.

In the evening,

I spoke to Lupin about his engagement with Daisy Mutlar.

I asked if he had heard from her.

He replied,

No,

She promised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would not communicate with me.

I see Frank Mutlar,

Of course.

In fact,

He said he might call again this evening.

Frank called but said he couldn't stop as he had a friend waiting outside for him named Murray Posh,

Adding that he was quite a swell.

Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.

He was brought in,

Gowing entering at the same time.

Mr.

Murray Posh was a tall,

Fat,

Young man and was evidently of a very nervous disposition,

As he subsequently confessed he would never go in a handsome cab,

Nor would he enter a four-wheeler until the driver had first got on the box with his reins in his hands.

On being introduced,

Gowing,

With his usual want of tact,

Said,

Any relation to Posh's three shilling hats?

Mr.

Posh replied,

Yes,

But please understand I don't try on hats myself.

I take no active part in the business.

I replied,

I wish I had a business like it.

Mr.

Posh seemed pleased and gave a long but most interesting history of the extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheap hats.

Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately from the way he was talking of her,

And Frank said to Lupin once,

Laughingly,

If you don't look out,

Posh will cut you out.

When they had all gone,

I referred to this flippant conversation and Lupin said sarcastically,

A man who is jealous has no respect for himself.

A man who would be jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only have a contempt for himself.

I know Daisy.

She would wait 10 years for me,

As I've said before.

In fact,

If necessary,

She would wait 20 years for me.

Chapter 16.

February the 18th.

Carrie has several times recently called attention to the thinness of my hair at the top of my head and recommended me to get it seen to.

I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of a small hand glass,

When somehow my elbow caught against the edge of the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand and smashed it.

Carrie was in an awful way about it,

As she is rather absurdly superstitious.

To make matters worse,

My large photograph in the drawing room fell during the night and the glass cracked.

Carrie said,

Mark my words Charles,

Some misfortune is about to happen.

I said,

Nonsense dear.

In the evening,

Lupin arrived home early and seemed a little agitated.

I said,

What's up my boy?

He hesitated a good deal and then said,

You know those parachica chlorates I advised you to invest 20 pounds in?

I replied,

Yes,

They're all right I trust.

He replied,

Well no,

To the surprise of everybody,

They have utterly collapsed.

My breath was so completely taken away I could say nothing.

Carrie looked at me and said,

What did I tell you?

Lupin after a while said,

However you are specially fortunate.

I received an early tip and sold out yours immediately and was fortunate to get two pounds for them,

So you get something after all.

I gave a sigh of relief.

I said,

I was not so sanguine as to suppose,

As you predicted,

That I should get six or eight times the amount of my investment.

Still,

A profit of two pounds is a good percentage for such a short time.

Lupin said,

Quite irritably,

You don't understand.

I sold your 20 pounds of shares for two pounds.

You therefore lose 18 pounds on the transaction,

Whereby Cummings and Gowing will lose the whole of theirs.

February the 19th.

Lupin,

Before going to town,

Said,

I am very sorry about those parachica chlorates.

It would not have happened if the boss,

Job Cleanans,

Had been in town.

Between ourselves,

You must not be surprised if something goes wrong at our office.

Job Cleanans has not been seen the last few days and it strikes me several people do want to see him,

Very particularly.

In the evening,

Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings,

When the former entered the room without knocking,

But with his usual trick of saying,

May I come in?

He entered,

And to the surprise of Lupin and myself,

Seemed to be in the very best of spirits.

Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him,

But he did so of his own accord.

He said,

I say,

Those parachica chlorates have gone an awful smash.

You're a nice one,

Master Lupin.

How much do you lose?

Lupin,

To my utter astonishment,

Said,

Oh,

I had nothing in them.

There was some informality in my application.

I forgot to enclose the cheque or something,

And I didn't get any.

The Gov loses 18 pounds.

I said,

I quite understood you were in it,

Or nothing would have induced me to speculate.

Lupin replied,

Well,

It can't be helped.

You must go double on the next tip.

Before I could reply,

Gowing said,

Well,

I lose nothing,

Fortunately.

From what I heard,

I did not quite believe in them,

So I persuaded Cummings to take my 15 pounds worth,

As he had more faith in them than I had.

Lupin burst out laughing,

And in the most unseemly manner,

Said,

Alas,

Poor Cummings,

He'll lose 35 pounds.

At that moment,

There was a ring at the bell.

Lupin said,

I don't want to meet Cummings.

If he had gone out of the door,

He would have met him in the passage.

So as quickly as possible,

Lupin opened the parlour window and got out.

Gowing jumped up suddenly,

Exclaiming,

I don't want to see him either.

And before I could say a word,

He followed Lupin out of the window.

For my own part,

I was horrified to think that my own son,

And one of my most intimate friends,

Should depart from the house like a couple of interrupted burglars.

Poor Cummings was very upset,

And of course,

Was naturally very angry,

Both with Lupin and Gowing.

I pressed him to have a little whisky,

And he replied that he had given up whisky,

But would like a little.

Unsweetened,

As he was advised,

It was the most healthy spirit.

I had no unsweetened in the house,

But sent Sarah round to Lockwood's for some.

February the 20th.

The first thing that caught my eye on opening the standard was,

Great failure of stock and share dealers,

Mr.

Job Cleanans absconded.

I handed it to Carrie,

And she replied,

Oh,

Perhaps it's for Lupin's good.

I never did think it a suitable situation for him.

I thought the whole affair very shocking.

Lupin came down to breakfast,

And seeing that he looked painfully distressed,

I said,

We know the news,

Dear boy,

And feel very sorry for you.

Lupin said,

How did you know?

Who told you?

I handed him the standard.

He threw the paper down and said,

Oh,

I don't care a button for that.

I expected that,

But I did not expect this.

He then read a letter from Frank Muttler announcing in a cool manner that Daisy Muttler is to be married next month to Murray Posh.

I exclaimed,

Murray Posh?

Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday week?

Lupin said,

Yes,

The Posh's three shilling hats,

Chap.

We all let our breakfast in dead silence.

In fact,

I could eat nothing.

I was not only too worried,

But I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon.

If I cannot get streaky bacon,

I will do without anything.

When Lupin rose to go,

I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face.

I asked him what it meant.

He replied,

Oh,

Only a little consolation.

Still,

It is a consolation.

I have just remembered that by my advice,

Mr.

Murray Posh has invested 600 pounds in parachicka chlorates.

To be continued.

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