Rejection Is Protection: How Not Getting What You Want Is A Blessing!

In this episode, Dr. Gina discusses this provocative topic. She explores various situations when the outcomes we anticipate don't come true. Dr. Gina explains how not getting what we want is beneficial to our overall well being. From being rejected by a partner or friend, not getting the house we wanted, getting ill, to losing our job, and so many more examples; she shows how we can overcome adversity by shifting our mindset about a situation. Other's rejection is not a reflection of our worth.

Transcript

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hello,

Everybody.

Good evening.

Whatever time of day you are listening to this,

Welcome to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina Madrigrano.

Hi,

Dr.

Gina.

How are you?

I'm good,

Ben.

How are you?

I'm wonderful.

Thank you so much.

What are we.

.

.

So if you guys know,

You can listen to this show anytime or you can watch it live on Facebook and YouTube and all of that stuff every week on Mondays at six,

And I'm just sharing that out to all of the groups right now.

There we go.

So what are we talking about today,

Dr.

Gina?

Today,

We're talking about how rejection is protection,

So how not getting what you want is actually a good thing.

Okay.

Rejection is protection,

How not getting what you want is actually a good thing.

I love this.

I love this topic.

Why?

So we get very upset,

Right,

When we don't get things we want,

Starting from when we're a baby to when we're big babies.

Why?

And I feel like most of us live in a deep,

Deep,

Deep fear of rejection at all times.

So what do you mean that it's protection and not getting what you want can be a good thing?

So first,

I don't want to do it for the saying,

It's not mine.

The original saying is,

Man's rejection is God's protection.

And this week,

I just listened to another talk with Caroline Mace because I heard that from her first,

And she transformed it again saying,

Earthly rejection is divine protection.

So in the context of this talk,

Rejection is not just rejection person to person,

But I also encompass rejection,

Basically not getting what you want.

So being rejected at the bank,

So you're not getting a loan,

You're placing a bid on a house,

You're not getting the house.

So getting a no basically to a request that you have or a desire or a wish.

So I wanted to use this talk because I found it so true,

And it shows how we're so attached to outcomes.

And that is the source of our suffering.

So sometimes,

If not often,

We're so attached to the outcome that when we don't get what we want,

We truly miss the point.

And then we lack clarity on what's actually happening here.

So I thought I would discuss this topic because it's in line with all the work that I do with all my clients,

Which in the end is always try to get clarity on what's really happening so that once you know what's really happening,

Then you know what to do with it.

But if you're too stuck on the rejection,

You're missing the point.

So I thought it'd be an interesting topic for today.

It's a very interesting topic.

I think it's a very interesting topic for any day.

So,

I mean,

I know that I have never done well with rejection in any facet of anything.

So why?

Well,

First,

I guess,

Why do we have such a problem with rejection?

Well,

If we just go from a tribal point of view,

When we were cavemen and women,

We lived as tribes,

And that's what allowed us to survive because on our own,

We couldn't survive.

So it was really important that we fit in and we not be rejected because being rejected basically meant we would die.

So it is a primitive fear.

We have this need to connect and to fit in where it's no longer a threat of death.

If we do get rejected in this era,

We won't die.

It will hurt.

It will sting.

We might be sad and upset.

It's not to say we don't get sad when we get rejected,

But we will get over it.

But if we really,

Really fear rejection,

The thing is the choices we make in a day-to-day basis,

If it is to control rejection,

What happens is we end up making choices or not making choices based on controlling the other person's rejection of us or not.

And then we're not authentic.

And that leads to more suffering and more frustration and resentment.

So the rejection from person to person stems from that primitive fear.

Yeah,

That makes sense.

And I like what you just said.

Basically,

It creates a self-fulfilling cycle,

Right?

So when you're connected so much to the – when you're fixated so much on the outcome and the fear of the rejection,

And then you sort of perpetuate it,

And then you sort of – you get encompassed with fear,

And then you do more things to enable – that is a cycle of frustration that I definitely know well.

So that's an interesting thing.

But so how do we let go of that,

Right,

And realize that,

As the Garth Brooks song says,

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

How do we let go of that?

Well,

If we can let go of it by applying it in the day to day.

So when we're rejected – so I'll give a simple example.

I wanted a house years,

Years ago before I got this house,

And I really,

Really loved it.

But it didn't pass inspection,

So I didn't want to buy it because it would cost too much to get it fixed.

So I was really torn.

Do I cancel?

Do I not buy it,

Buy it?

I was really attached to that house.

And finally,

If I would have bought it,

It would have cost me so much more money.

I would have been in more debt.

And finally,

I just let it go.

And what let me go of the house was,

Don't be so scared there's not another house,

Because I was like,

Oh,

This is my dream house,

It has everything I want.

So I was so attached to it with this scarcity belief that there was nothing else out there better for me.

So finally I trusted it.

I'm like,

I got to trust that there's a better house out there for me.

And lo and behold,

My real estate agent found not only a house that was like $20,

000 cheaper,

It was a corner lot and it had a swimming pool with no repairs.

So it ended up being a better house for a lot cheaper.

So if we just trust that we get through the pain,

So if it's a friend,

A boyfriend,

Partner that leaves you,

Of course,

You're going to be sad,

You're going to grieve.

But you got to trust this is a blessing in disguise.

Another personal example,

I was left at the altar when I was 28.

The guy canceled,

Left two days before our wedding.

I never knew why.

And that was really,

Really hard.

So I won't say it was easy,

Fun,

You know,

Saturday,

The flowers arrive at my house.

It was a terrible experience.

So I was really sad back then.

I didn't have the wisdom of knowing this is a blessing in disguise.

Anyways,

Fast forward 20 years later,

I met this person again.

And because I was older,

I realized this person was a full blown narcissist.

And I got it 20 years later.

I was like,

Thank God this happened.

My life would have been hell with this person.

And I wanted a baby back then.

So I would have had a kid.

It would have been terrible.

So it applies to anything that something better happens through a disaster.

So the pandemic,

Of course,

It's terrible.

But how many people have been forced to work at home,

Realized what matters to them.

But if we're so caught up with there shouldn't be a pandemic,

It's awful.

People are sick,

People are dying.

I hate this.

I don't want this.

We're stuck with it.

I want the outcome that this not happen.

Whereas if we go,

Okay,

It happens.

I hate it.

What's good about it?

Then you shift to what is the blessing behind this terrible situation.

And it works for everything.

People who goes to it,

It works.

People who goes to shows their character,

Right?

Yeah.

Because someone who has good communication,

Respect and love,

Even if they want to stop talking to you,

Whether it's a friend or a love interest,

They'll be honest with you and they'll go,

Listen,

This is not working out or our friendship is over or whatever discussion.

And they show the signs of respect.

But,

You know,

We're done.

I won't be calling you anymore.

That shows character and respect.

But people who goes to it shows you how they don't respect you,

Have no empathy for your needs.

There's no reason for ghosting people because you can easily openly say we're done.

So in the long run,

These hurtful behaviors take a toll on a person.

They do.

They really do.

I think that it's sort of it's obviously a difficult thing,

Right,

To it's sort of easier to know these things intellectually than it is to feel or practice them in the moment of whatever that rejection may be.

So anything from a loved one,

You know,

Or a desired loved one leaving to a friend to not getting the job that you wanted or whatever the situation may be.

Right.

Like sometimes we feel like life rejects us.

Yeah.

And that's like sometimes we feel like life rejects us,

Like you wanted to be this and,

You know,

Those doors are shutting in your face or you wanted to go on a.

.

.

There's a wonderful thing.

Gary Vaynerchuk always talks about like if you just make a choice because there are two things,

Like you never know when the thing that you really wanted to do,

Like say you're really successful,

You wanted to be like a really successful business owner and your business took off and then you had to go to Beijing on a job and in Beijing you get hit by a bus.

Like that could have been your future and you would have no idea and the thing that you think was terrible,

You know,

Did something good.

There was a statistic that I heard like death by car accident has gone down so much this year because people are not driving that in some ways,

In some respects,

A lot of people that theoretically would have died this year on the road have been saved because of a pandemic,

Which also took,

You know,

Hundreds of thousands of other lives.

So it's a weird thing where like sometimes when the things that we want to do can't happen,

It's actually beneficial for us.

Yeah.

Well,

Yeah,

And the two can coexist,

Meaning the pain of whatever's happening.

But when we try to see the blessing,

All it does is it leaves us in pain instead of transferring us to suffering.

So pain has a beginning and an end,

But suffering is ongoing day in and day out.

So it can coexist where,

You know,

You're sad,

There's a pandemic,

There's inconveniences of it.

But how do you get through it is by trying to see the light in it,

The light at the end of the tunnel,

Knowing it is going to end at some point.

And how do I transform my life while it's a pandemic,

For example?

And when you said,

You know,

When you feel life is rejecting you,

Well,

If someone feels that way,

You could stay there or you can go,

OK,

Let's see if there's a pattern here.

Am I hanging out with always the same kind of people who,

Let's say,

Take advantage of me and dump me like a hot potato?

And the common point is always ourselves,

So am I stuck in the same pattern?

So the blessing in that pain is it forces you to explore and develop self-awareness.

But it doesn't mean you feel no pain and that it's good that people hurt you.

But through the pain,

You'll get clarity and then redirect your behaviors and your choices.

Yeah.

Yeah,

For sure.

So how do we know when it's time to let go of something and when it's and when,

Like.

So I have friends,

I have multiple friends that were in situations where they liked someone for a really long time.

And then.

And but like,

But like they were clearly being rejected,

Right?

Like in theory,

The point where most like therapists and stuff would be like,

It's time to move on,

You know,

But for whatever reason,

They did not.

And now literally multiple sets of these couples are now like living their happily ever afters.

With other people?

No,

No,

With the person that was the feeling of rejection.

Yeah.

So like it's one of those things where it's like if you had listened to the advice of everyone else,

You would have walked away from that.

But you didn't.

And you were right.

So,

Yay.

But so how do you know when like it's time to move on from if you're say your dream is to own your own business and you keep trying and you keep failing for 10 years at it?

Like,

How do you know when it's time to stop and move on from trying to run your own business or,

You know,

Do something?

You have a dream of some sort that the door just feels like it keeps getting shut in your face.

When do you learn that lesson?

And or when is it just building you up to get a better version of that later?

Yeah,

Well,

I think first if you need to really connect to do I really want this?

So let's use the example of whether it's a business owner,

An author,

Artists.

How many of these people have been rejected hundreds and thousands of times?

Why they didn't let go is because they were clear that this was their dream and their passion and no matter what they would get to it.

So when you're clear on that,

You don't need to let go.

And it could just be I need to persevere to know it's a numbers game in some cases.

Business,

If you keep failing,

It's getting a mentor.

Do you really want to be in business?

Yes.

I can't see any other way.

OK,

Then get clear on what are the mistakes?

Are you?

Do you have the right mentors?

Are you going about it the right way?

So I think that's connected to your core passion,

Your dreams and facing the reality of things.

So example,

If you're bankrupting your family,

Then you need to get practical,

Get a side job and build your dream at the same time.

So there's also the practical side of it.

I think if you're really connected to reality versus in fantasy land,

Because like you were saying,

For the love interest,

I've seen the story go both ways where they didn't let go.

They ended up together and they should have let go because in the end it didn't work out.

Yes.

Because one was so persistent.

One just gave in,

But they shouldn't have given in.

Right.

Right.

But if we use it for just the even just the simple day to day,

I think it just reduces a lot of stress,

Like the big existential crisis.

Who do you marry?

Who do you date?

Sometimes require more than just letting go,

But reassess your whole situation and your life.

But little things,

People canceling on you.

OK,

What's the good side of this?

Whether it is OK,

This person always cancels at the last minute,

Maybe I need to reassess this friendship or maybe I need to set better boundaries with this person.

Or maybe,

OK,

If they're always an hour late by the 15 minute mark,

I just go ahead.

So whatever happens outside of you informs you of what happens inside of you.

So if you're clear on your boundaries,

If you're clear on what you want,

So multiple rejections in business force you to get clear on,

Do I really want to be in business?

And if you're driven and you don't care how many times you're being rejected,

Then the rejection is a gift because it's teaching you to be persistent or be a better salesperson to sell your idea or refine your idea better until you get to what you want.

So it forces you to readjust and reassess the situation without being stuck.

It has to look this way.

Then you're attached to a specific outcome,

Specific path.

So if if you're open that this rejection can turn you on path A versus B,

You're still in the end going to get somewhere.

Absolutely.

And you know,

Not for nothing,

But getting everything you want all the time is boring.

Yeah,

Look at spoiled children.

They become entitled and dissatisfied adults.

They're never happy because they always need more and more and more.

And we know this.

We know that like we can't get what we want all the time.

But the things that we really want,

We really like hold on to.

Yeah,

Like that's I really feel like we're all like four years old when we don't get the thing that we want.

Like it's not a cookie anymore necessarily,

But it's you know,

When we don't get the job that we want,

When we don't get the approval of like a family member or so,

You know what I mean?

Like the that feeling of rejection hurts a lot.

So here is my next question.

How do you get over a fear of being rejected?

Right.

So let's not talk about for a second that you've actually gotten rejected from the job,

From the group of friends,

From the hopeful significant other.

You haven't actually gotten rejected from them.

You are just so afraid that you're going to not get it right.

That you're going to not even like even that you're going to reject yourself,

Like that you're not good enough for whatever.

So yeah.

So that's that's the that's the interesting thing there that I think.

Like how do you get over that fear of being rejected?

Well,

One,

You got to accept you will have that fear.

It's it's normal to have that fear and all that this fear is telling you is that means this person,

This project,

This X,

Y,

Z matters to me.

That's why I'm scared because let's use a love interest.

If that person Y doesn't interest you at all,

You don't really care if they reject you.

The rejection hurts because that thing or person matters.

So you got to accept I will be scared of being rejected first and then know that if I am rejected,

What's the worst thing that will happen?

And you go there.

A could happen.

B and then you realize,

OK,

It all hurts,

But I won't die of that.

I won't die.

I'll be sad.

I'll be depressed.

I'll be angry.

And I will get over it because I have in the past.

So I will again.

So why am I so scared?

I need to feel that fear.

Know that fear just says this matters to me and take the risk.

And then to realize and if I do get rejected,

Which is a possibility,

I got to trust that this wasn't meant for me or that there's something better waiting for me,

Whether it's a better job,

A better partner,

A better house.

A better dress in the store that you really wanted.

You know,

It applies to anything.

So it's not that,

Oh,

Life will be easy.

I will feel no pain.

No,

No.

Pain is inevitable.

It's but we try so hard to avoid pain,

To avoid fear.

But there's a price to pay.

If I'm if let's say your dream is to have a partner and kids,

But you're so scared of rejection,

You don't date.

Well,

You end up at 50.

You look back on your life.

I wish I had a partner.

I wish I had kids.

I wish I wasn't so had been so scared.

What's the worst thing that would have happened?

And then you live a life with regrets.

So it's it's to also project yourself in the future and go,

Well,

I regret that I let my fear of rejection hold me back.

Yes.

Yes,

I will.

So no,

It is like even doing this podcast.

You think I wasn't scared.

You know,

There's always the risk.

People will think bad things about me,

Disagree with what I say,

Pick at how I look,

Pick at my words or the lack of words,

Because,

Yeah,

Whatever.

There is that fear.

But I do it anyways because I let that fear hold me back for years.

And I regretted it.

I was like,

Why did I wait so long?

You know,

I won't die.

People mock me or make fun of me or disagree with me.

Right.

So I think,

Yeah,

I think that the fear of rejection is probably the single biggest issue that I have in my entire life.

I would say,

Yeah,

A lot of humans and me included.

Who likes to be rejected?

No one does.

Right.

It's not fun.

Yeah.

We'll feel the sting and we'll get over it.

Yep.

Hopefully.

Well,

This is,

You know,

You've put you put forth a lot of good tools so far in this episode to to combat all of those feelings,

Even though they are going to come up,

Which you've acknowledged many times.

So thank you so much for that.

Is there anything else you'd like to say on rejection before we move on to our final point of the show?

No,

I'm good.

OK.

So every so every week we end with a moment of gratitude.

Dr.

Gina,

Can you tell us why we do that?

Just because it makes us feel better.

It makes our days go by easier and it reduces a lot of suffering.

If we can see what's good in our lives,

Then the little bad things don't seem so bad.

Awesome.

OK,

So I'll go first,

I guess.

Right.

Or do you want to go first?

I'll go first.

So I know it's easier when we can just make Crystal go first.

But she's not here today.

So I'm going to say this.

I'm going to say that I'm grateful right now at this moment for rejection.

I never are at the moment of it.

But this is I have always fallen into the category of being afraid of rejection,

Being certain of rejection.

So I'm not trying because because I don't want to be.

And in 2020,

I have tried a lot of stuff.

And for the most part,

Most of it has gone very,

Very,

Very well for me.

But there was one thing in particular that I was like,

You know what?

I want to go for it.

I'm going to try it.

I never do this.

I want to right now.

I'm going to I'm going to like why not?

The world is crazy right now.

I'm going to try it.

I'm going to try it.

And got rejected by it.

By the situation hard.

And it and it and I knew it,

But I went,

You know what?

Like,

It's good.

I'm going to try it.

I'm just going to go for it.

And and I feel like I've learned a lot about myself.

And at the end of the day,

I'm happier than I.

It made my life better in so many other ways to just go for it and allow it to like,

You know,

It's like jumping into a pool.

Yeah,

Just like just let it happen and then it'll be fine.

And and that was a really important lesson that I learned this year.

So I'm grateful for rejection.

This one situation.

Yeah,

That's one situation in particular.

Go ahead,

Gina.

What is your moment of gratitude this week?

This week,

I'm grateful for all the new women in my group,

My Facebook group.

They're so amazing.

I'm so excited about this group.

They're interacting with each other and with me.

And I'm pretty impressed by my all these women in the group.

So I'm grateful for them,

For them trusting me and hearing me out and giving me a voice.

So I'm grateful to these women.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Check out that group on Facebook.

Guys,

Women of clarity.

And and then you have a free five day clarity formula program right now,

Which is I mean,

You your your moment of gratitude led well into the Segway for this.

So whatever.

So the five day clarity formula,

Which I started taking.

The women of clarity formula I started taking and it was great.

That's great.

But I'm excited to keep going with that.

And then people can find you.

There are links to to where you can find Dr.

Gina in the description of wherever you are listening to this.

You can also catch all the old podcasts wherever you're listening to this.

And if you want to contact Gina,

You can do so.

Gina,

Thank you so much.

This is this has been a pleasure,

As always.

Well,

Thank you,

Ben.

It's always fun.

It is always fun.

All right.

We will talk to you next week,

Which is November.

We're already November's creeping up.

So we will see you guys soon.

Thank you so much.

And yeah.

Thank you,

Gina.

Thank you,

Ben.

Reviews

Just what I needed to hear. Great talk and ot really helped me redirect my thoughts on rejection :)

I really enjoyed your message and insight Dr Gina. I will say that the host was challenging to listen to.

Great conversation as always, thanks Dr Gina and Ben. Love and blessings 💜 x