My Mental Health Journey With Bipolar 2 And ADHD

In this podcast, Laur discusses their mental health Journey. This practice is meant to be informational and inspiring. They hope you come out of this practice feeling like you are not. You're not alone, you matter!

Transcript

Hello everyone,

My name is Lore.

I wanted to just talk about my experience with mental illness.

I think that I finally have the answer to what my mental illness is.

A few years ago I started working on my mental health,

And at first I was doing it on my own,

Looking up how to manage depression.

And then during COVID,

We were all quarantined,

I thought,

I really need to get this under control.

And I decided to go to therapy.

So I was in therapy for a while,

And I was managing my depression,

And then it didn't seem like enough.

So I talked to my therapist about finding a psychiatrist and going on medication.

Then I was on Prozac,

And I was on the Prozac for a little bit.

And it helped for a few months,

And then it didn't seem to help.

So then we increased the dosage.

Then I saw a lot of people talking about ADHD,

And I was like,

Huh,

That sounds a lot like me.

I have trouble having impulse control.

I have trouble with object permanence.

And so I thought,

Maybe I have ADHD,

And maybe that's the problem along with the depression.

And I decided to go off the Prozac.

I felt like,

Well,

If I have ADHD,

The Prozac isn't really going to help me.

So I was off the Prozac for probably two months,

And my mood really,

Really dipped.

I was not being kind to the people I love.

I was not in a good place.

But then I finally got my ADHD diagnosis,

And the doctor said,

The test concluded that you do have ADHD and depression,

And I wouldn't recommend you go on a stimulant medication,

Because stimulants can make the depression worse if you're not managing the depression.

So then I saw a new psychiatrist,

And he specializes in ADHD.

He has ADHD as well,

So I felt really comfortable with him and clicked with him right when we first met.

And he put me on bupropion.

And I was on bupropion,

I think it's SR.

It's the once a day,

No,

Twice a day.

And I would take it when I got up and before bed.

And that was helping my depression.

I was feeling a lot better.

But after a while,

I felt like maybe it's not enough.

Maybe I should switch doses.

So I told the doctor,

Is there something else?

And he said,

Well,

Let's try once a day a stronger formula.

I was on 100 milligrams twice a day,

And now I'm on 300 milligrams once a day.

So that was helping for a little bit for a few months.

But I was still having these anger outbursts that I get.

I get these dark,

Dark moods,

And I get so angry.

And I lash out at the people I love.

For example,

What made me realize I really need to talk to my psychiatrist about it was my mother and sister and I were shopping,

And they didn't have something that I want.

And that just flipped.

I was so angry,

Like a flip switched to me.

And I started screaming at them.

And I said,

I'm just going to walk home.

And now,

It was a few mile walks from home.

I couldn't just walk home.

We got there by the highway.

And they were really worried.

They said,

You can't walk home.

You have to stay.

So I said,

Well,

Fine.

If I can't walk home,

I'm just going to sit over here and wait till you're done.

So I went,

And I sat in a chair by the pharmacy.

And after a while,

I managed to calm myself down.

I did some breathing exercises,

And I calmed down.

And so I was just sitting there,

Stewing angry for probably about 20 minutes to a half hour.

And when they were done shopping,

By the time they were done shopping,

I was better.

But the damage had been done.

It was not a good place.

It made my sister scared.

It made my mother scared.

And when I get like that,

I make myself scared.

So I decided it was time to talk to my psychiatrist about it.

He said,

Well,

Let's try five milligrams of Klonopin.

And when you get in these bad moods,

Just take it.

It'll help you calm down.

And he gave me a 30-day supply with no refills.

And I was going to talk to him.

I was supposed to talk to him after.

And in a month,

I took maybe half of them.

But I didn't feel that they worked.

I felt like I was in slow motion when I would take it.

And then after a few hours,

It would wear off,

And I would be angry again.

So I talked to him about it.

And then he put me on a new medication,

Vraylar.

And I started to look up what it was for.

And I noticed it is for treating depression,

But it's also for treating bipolar.

And I was like,

Huh,

Maybe I have bipolar.

I always thought I don't have bipolar,

Because it's not like you see in the movies or TV.

I don't get the manic,

Euphoric feelings where I feel like I'm high and I'm just in such a good mood.

I only have the really bad,

Down,

Depressing parts.

But then I looked up that there were several kinds of bipolar.

So bipolar II,

Also known as bipolar depression,

Is when you have the mood swings.

And the highs are not as high,

But the lows are really,

Really low.

So that's what I have,

Long story short.

I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday.

And I was telling him about how I've been feeling.

And I said,

Do you think it could be bipolar?

And he said,

Yes,

That's exactly what it is.

So my official diagnosis,

Finally,

After maybe a two-year struggle of trying to manage my mental health,

Is I have bipolar II and ADHD.

So I'm going to go off the Wobutron.

And I'm going to go on Paxil and Vralar.

And that's going to help me.

My big concern,

Sorry,

I get emotional when I talk about my mental health,

Because it's a hard subject to talk about.

And people don't talk about it.

And I know several people who have lost loved ones to suicide.

And I suffer from suicidal thoughts when I get in those dark moods.

So it's very emotional for me.

So my official diagnosis is bipolar and ADHD.

And I'm going to go on to Paxil and continue the Vralar.

It's so important for us to be open and honest about our mental health.

Your struggle is someone else's survival guide.

It's hard for me to talk about.

And one of the things I will say often is,

It's not good enough.

Or I'm not any better.

I'm not taking this medication anymore.

And I'm so grateful I have people in my life who can help me see clearly,

Because I know that's not true.

I know that I am doing better now than ever before.

I am 36 years old.

In one month,

I'll be 37.

And a few years ago,

I didn't know if I was going to make it to 40.

So now I can see myself having a long,

Happy,

And healthy life with the people I love.

So the bottom line,

Why I'm making this little podcast,

I guess you would call it,

Is because I want people to know.

You matter.

It's OK for you not to be OK.

And it's OK to get help.

You are worthy of help.

You are worthy of love.

And one day,

You will get your diagnosis.

And everything will click.

And you'll finally feel like you're on the right path.

And I know that I'm still going to have bad days.

But I believe that this new medication regimen is really,

Truly going to help me.

My doctor said,

I told my doctor,

When I started taking mental health medication,

I didn't want to be one of those people.

I'm on this pill.

Now I'm on this pill.

Now I'm on this pill.

I don't want to keep changing it.

I didn't want to keep having to increase it.

And he said,

No,

This is going to be it.

This is going to be the medication you're going to be on.

We might have to increase the dose down the road.

But this is what is going to help you.

And I know that the Vraylar has really helped.

That is a new,

Just-approved medication.

And it really,

Really has helped.

And I know that Paxil is a medication that has been on the market for a long time.

So that probably is going to help me.

I feel confident it will.

I feel confident in my doctor's decision.

And I'm so grateful that I took that first step,

That I decided to go to therapy.

So if you're out there struggling,

Take that first step.

Find a therapist.

There are so many free programs out there if you can't afford therapy.

So just take care of yourself.

Be kind to yourself.

And be kind to others.

Thanks for listening.

Have a beautiful day.

Reviews

The very real human honesty of this talk was very helpful to me. Also, sometimes when people say stuff like “you matter” I feel it’s just some thing people feel is trendy to say. When this speaker expressed those thoughts I felt like they really meant it.

Thank you for
Having the courage to ahare. It is hard but freeing and
I’m glad you have.

Wonderful! Thank you for having the courage to share your experience! This was the second time I’ve listened to your podcast. The first time, I didn’t think it related to my situation. This time, I realize that it is VERY similar to my situation. I will probably listen to it many more times. I know it will greatly help me. I have a sense of how painful it may have been to share it. I am SO grateful that you did. Big hug and thank you !!!

Thank you 🙏

Thank you so much for creating this talk it was helpful to hear you talk about your highs and lows as well as the medications that have and haven’t worked for you.

I’m on different meds but this is is so me! Still struggling but never quitting! Thank you for your story and your encouragement!

I appreciated the honesty and vulnerability.