It’s Not Your Fault, But It Is Your Responsibility

Hello,

Friend.

My name is Lisa Schlossberg,

And today I want to talk a little bit about what it means when people say,

It's not your fault,

But it is your responsibility.

Specifically as it relates to your relationship with food,

Eating,

And body image.

So first,

Let's start with,

It's not your fault.

Especially when it comes to our relationship with food,

Body image,

And the things that we've picked up from everywhere,

From our family of origin,

To the movies that we watched growing up,

To the radio station commercials that were presented to us.

We got the messages from everywhere about how to be in relationship with our body,

The way that we're supposed to look,

The weight that we're supposed to be at.

How we should appear to other people.

We've got loads of opinions about that,

That we've taken in consciously and not from the first few years of life,

And importantly,

The most formative years of our lives when it comes to our belief systems.

So the reason I go back there is because if,

For example,

You find yourself constantly objectifying yourself,

More concerned about how other people see you and look at you than how you feel on the inside.

If you are in the habit of looking in the mirror and immediately judging and critiquing yourself.

If every time you see your reflection,

You fall into a shame spiral.

A lot of these things are not your fault.

Didn't come out of the womb with these ideas.

You weren't born hating yourself because of what you look like.

A lot of these things were taken in,

Internalized,

And then started driving the bus of our relationship with our bodies and ourselves,

Most of the time without us even knowing it.

So sometimes I also,

You can feel free to do this if you want to pause this video or make it your own kind of homework assignment of sorts,

But sometimes I think it's very helpful to think about where did you get the idea?

Sometimes I just look at that.

Where did you get the idea that being this size versus this size is better or worse?

Or,

More importantly,

That if you look like this versus look like this,

Then you are more worthy of love and belonging and connection.

Where did you learn that?

Because again,

This is not your idea.

You didn't come here to planet Earth in this existence thinking these things.

So where did you pick it up?

Who taught you that?

And when I'm doing this,

I like to look at all three levels I'm trained in.

I am a social worker.

That really impact your psychology,

But mezzo is beyond that.

So now we're getting a little bit,

You know,

So if micro is your family,

Maybe your mom used to say these things,

Or she used to talk to herself in the mirror certain ways,

Or say certain comments after she got off the scale.

If you saw those things as a kid,

You were taking that in.

How do I be in relationship with myself when I look in the mirror?

Oh,

This is how,

This is what I've heard my mom do.

Or what do I say to myself when I get off the scale?

Oh,

This is what my dad used to say.

This is how I be human in relation to my own body.

Again,

We learn these things and internalize them very innocently.

It's not our fault.

That's the whole point.

So if micro is your family of origin,

Let's say mezzo going out a little bit more broad.

This could be your school.

So the people that you had contact with,

Like your friends,

The bullies at school,

Teachers,

Coaches,

Mentors,

Houses of worship,

Religion,

Things like that,

That can shape our relationship with our bodies.

And then the macro.

So things like,

Again,

Back to just the movies that we watch,

The ads that we drove by when we were on the highway,

The commercials that were on the radio stations,

All the things like all the way out there that we don't even really necessarily think of as having a conscious impact on how we think of ourselves.

But the point is we get these messages from everywhere,

From all different levels.

And this is why it's not your fault.

Fault if you find yourself judging your body or treating yourself a certain way or other people by the way.

The foundation of it,

The belief system,

That certain bodies,

Weight,

Shapes,

Or sizes are better than others,

That's not your fault.

Internalizing that is not your fault.

The fact that it's your belief system,

Not your fault.

And the same is true,

By the way,

For eating habits,

And very specifically,

The relationship with food.

And this is why I personally always love teaching the neurobiology of emotional eating and the brain science about why we turn food as a coping mechanism.

In short,

Because every single time we eat anything,

Two of the four happy chemicals are released in our brain,

Dopamine and serotonin.

So we are,

Because we survive on food,

We are biologically wired to be emotional eaters,

Or at least seek out a source of serotonin.

That we can get from food when our stress or cortisol is very high.

So we are designed as human beings to seek out food.

And to feel good when we eat it and to use it as a way to bring our stress down.

So this also is not your fault.

If you find yourself as an emotional eater or a stress eater,

Not your fault.

That's brain science.

That's you being a spiritual being,

Having a physical experience with an animal brain in a social context,

Surviving on food,

Not your fault.

And for what it's worth,

If we're talking about brain science and how none of this is your fault,

You should also know that if you find yourself compulsively dieting or restricting,

That also,

That system that makes it operate that way,

That also isn't your fault.

As soon as you tell yourself that you have one goal over another,

So eat less,

Exercise more,

Maybe becomes the goal.

When you start achieving those things,

You are going to get that same happy chemical release in your brain because now you're experiencing achievement and reward.

It works in the same reward pathway in the brain.

So now that we understand none of those things are your fault,

Whether you are overeating,

Undereating,

Compulsively stuffing feelings down with food,

Been there many times,

Or trying to control your whole internal experience by restricting food,

Also been there.

Or if we're just looking at the thoughts,

Feelings,

And belief systems we have around our body,

None of these things are your fault.

And I have seen this be so tremendously important for people to understand because I really mean this.

You can pause this video and just take a moment to sit with this.

What does it mean for you?

What would it mean if none of this is your fault?

That you never were doing anything wrong by,

For example,

Turning to food,

Or the immediate,

Compulsive,

Automatic thoughts that you have when you look in the mirror critiquing yourself or judging yourself because of your body.

What would it mean if none of this was your fault?

That you didn't create this system,

You just were born into it,

And you're doing your best,

And you got these messages from outside of you,

And you couldn't help but internalize them because that's how your brain works.

Very often what this means is you can release the shame.

If there is any.

Feeling of guilt or fear that you are the problem,

That you are broken,

That you are doing this on purpose,

That you are perpetuating this.

None of this is your fault.

So I really do invite you to take that in and if it needs a little bit more time,

Sit with it and maybe journal about what does it mean that none of this is your fault and you did not do anything wrong.

And see if anything shifts energetically,

Emotionally,

Because typically this is what allows people to just get off their own back.

It's already hard enough.

You don't need to be on your own back making it any harder.

But now the other reason this matters so much is because typically people will say,

Okay,

But I don't like it.

I want it to be different.

What do I do differently?

How do I get it to change?

Right?

I don't want to be eating this way.

I don't want to be thinking this way.

I don't want to feel this way in my own body.

So what do I do differently?

Well,

It's a very valid question,

But here's the thing.

This is where it's your responsibility.

It is not your fault.

None of this is your fault.

It is your responsibility.

If you want to have different eating habits,

If you want to have a different relationship with your body image,

If you want to show up and be thinking and believing differently about your body,

That's not going to happen by itself.

You are responsible for that.

That is your risk to work through.

That's your responsibility.

Getting things to be different is not only going to come from understanding it's not your fault.

It's also going to come from taking responsibility.

But here's the thing.

In order to take responsibility.

In a way that feels empowered.

And clean and clear.

Where you can say,

Okay,

I understand.

This is mine to work through.

My healing is my job and no one else's.

No one's gonna come and do this for me.

No one can save me from this.

And really no one can change this but me.

In order for you to arrive at that kind of energetic place.

First,

I think.

You have to release the shame and guilt and fear and judgment you might have about all of the stuff that created the system to begin with.

Because if you are still blaming and shaming and judging yourself for having the beliefs,

The thoughts,

The feelings,

Or even the behaviors that you have around your body and food,

You cannot get to a place where you are taking responsibility with empowerment.

So first being with,

And that's why I say really not just being with,

But integrating,

Allowing it to settle and marinate,

That it's not your fault.

Will then allow you to move through,

OK,

Well,

It's not my fault.

I didn't do all of this.

Now I can release all of that.

So I have this energy,

This like psychic energy and space.

Released or created for me to now think about,

Well,

What do I need to do differently?

What are the things that I need to take responsibility for?

And how do I shift my relationship toward taking responsibility from a place of empowerment rather than self-judgment and criticism from a place of shame.

And I find that doing it this way lends itself to a much more nuanced and sustainable approach.

Stabilizing,

Loving,

And compassionate.

Way of healing and proceeding through this because then it allows us to say,

It's not my fault.

That I am,

For example,

An emotional eater using food when I feel upset or stressed out.

That's not my fault.

End.

I don't want to keep engaging in this behavior.

I really don't like the pattern or the habit.

I don't like how out of control and compulsive it feels.

I don't like that this is the only tool I have in my toolbox.

And so,

Even though it's not my fault,

It is my responsibility to do something different.

How do we change our behaviors?

How do we show up differently from a place of love rather than fear?

Which,

Back to the brain science,

Something I'm always saying these days,

You can run from a predator,

For example.

But you cannot run from a predator forever.

And so if we want our relationship with our bodies and food,

Which we are going to necessarily be in relationship with every single day that we are in human form,

If we want that to feel better,

We have to do something that feels loving and compassionate,

Not something that's rooted in judgment and shame,

Because that is fundamentally unsustainable.

It doesn't feel safe.

So if this is resonating with where you are or maybe feels like something that you can practice,

There's a couple things I will offer you here.

If you want to take responsibility,

If you feel at this point,

Like,

You know,

Okay,

I have released the shame and guilt.

It's not my fault that I think this way about my body,

But I do want to start thinking differently and I want to take responsibility for that.

Okay,

Great.

So some things that you can do are,

Remember.

Remember that you are a spiritual being having a physical experience,

Not a body.

You are way more than your body.

And so if you need a moment of remembering,

That's what one of the other videos is for.

But that's the first step is just remember that you are actually more than a body.

So instead of just thinking about what you look like,

What you weigh,

How you appear,

And things that would objectify your body from the outside looking in,

Starting to just remember you're a lot more than that.

You are also your thoughts and your feelings and your relationships,

What you enjoy,

What you like,

Fill out the picture of your perception of yourself as a human being.

As an opportunity to just come back to the truth.

That is,

You are so much more than that.

Your body is your instrument,

Not an ornament.

And you get to experience life through it.

So that is just kind of the first step is just considering what it means.

If you are locked into a belief system right now that objectifies your body,

You can start breaking out of that or releasing that by just adding more to it.

Focus more on how you feel rather than how you look.

And for what it's worth,

Because for so many people we are rewiring the brain from scratch,

Essentially,

Because we have to insert these new thoughts in,

Like maybe this is the first time you're hearing or really considering any of this,

You might need conscious reminders.

And in a very granular way,

Maybe that means,

You know,

Reminders showing up on your phone or hanging up Post-it on your computer,

Something that's gonna bring to your attention.

I remember having a post-it on my mirror that I looked in my bathroom mirror every morning because it can help kind of start the engine with a new way of thinking.

It's not going to happen by itself.

That's the whole point.

But now you're taking responsibility.

So that's something I would share with you just in terms of,

Again,

Expanding your definition,

How you define yourself to yourself as more than a body.

And then when it comes specifically to eating behaviors,

Whether again,

It's overeating or under eating,

If this is the beginning of you taking responsibility and ownership,

Because again,

No one's going to heal your relationship with food for you.

No one can take away your relationship with food from you.

This is going to be here with you side by side for the rest of your life,

Whether you like it or not.

So if you are in the beginning of taking responsibility for this,

You can just start by bringing the awareness to what is food.

You don't have to stress yourself out or overwhelm yourself with the intention to change anything.

You don't have to do anything different off the bat.

You don't have to skip into action.

You're not there yet,

And that's okay.

Maybe.

Like,

Maybe that's where you are,

And it's totally okay if that is where you are.

But so instead,

Just starting to consider what it's like to bring your awareness to.

And what I mean by that is.

When you eat.

What are you feeling?

Are you hungry?

Is your body hungry?

Or are you feeling lonely or bored?

Or scared.

Or stressed out.

What are you feeling?

What do you notice?

And can you just start connecting what's going on physically with food and eating in your body and what's going on internally?

What are you thinking?

What are you feeling?

What's the energy of the system like when you're eating?

Just starting to pay attention.

And that,

For so many people,

That is the step.

You don't have to worry about,

Off the bat,

What to do with it.

But just start drawing the awareness to what is your relationship with food like right now?

What is it reflecting to you?

What do you notice?

Any patterns?

Any habits?

Distractions?

How fast or slow are you eating?

Just notice.

Very often because so many of us have done that from a place of fear and judgment and shame.

It can bring that stuff up.

And so it's very important that you are clear with yourself,

That you're looking at,

You're getting curious about exploring when you're eating,

What you're eating,

How much you're eating,

Not from a place of judgment and shame,

But from a place of curiosity,

From a place of wanting to know,

From a place of,

This is my responsibility.

And if I am empowered to take care of myself and heal my relationship with food,

To be paying attention.

It's my responsibility to pay attention.

And that,

You can probably feel,

Is very loving.

That's not judgmental.

That's not shameful.

That's very loving and compassionate.

It's coming from a place of you wanting to take care of yourself.

And taking care of yourself begins with knowing yourself,

Seeing yourself,

Making contact with yourself consciously.

So if you want to know how to take responsibility,

Just start by paying attention.

Bring your consciousness to what's happening with your body and food from a place of love,

And that will be the answer for right now.

And no matter where you are,

Whether it's focusing more on shifting the belief systems and the feelings,

Or it's more about shifting the way that you're behaving,

Your actions,

Choices,

Decisions around food,

Wherever you are,

Part of taking responsibility can also be,

And I think has to be.

Self-compassion.

So,

Especially when you choose something that you wish you hadn't,

If you do something you wish you didn't do,

Or you didn't do something you wish you did do,

You want to remember part of taking responsibility for yourself is also being kind to yourself.

So again,

You can make this sustainable.

You being awake.

Present,

Conscious,

Intentional with yourself.

If you want that to be sustainable,

It has to also include kindness and compassion.

And so in those moments where you maybe don't show up the way that you want to,

Let it be okay.

Remind yourself,

Not only are you more than a body,

But you are human.

You are human.

You are human.

It's okay.

None of this is life or death,

Even though your brain might tell you that it is sometimes.

None of this is life or death.

You get to try again.

Not just try again next week or tomorrow,

But in two minutes from right now,

You can try again.

And it's okay.

So bringing in flexibility,

Bringing in forgiveness,

Bringing in patience,

Empathy,

Understanding,

And self-compassion so that as you release your shame,

And you take ownership and responsibility for yourself.

It can remain feeling very loving.

And if at any point you need a reminder of any of this,

Please feel free to come back here again.