This Will Be The Narcissist's Downfall In Relationships

Narcissists lie, manipulate, use circular conversations, distort facts, mix facts with fiction, discredit others' viewpoints, and do things like persecuting those they view as weaker than them. In this episode, Lisa A. Romano, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, shares her experience and wisdom regarding what she believes will become the narcissist's downfall. If you are on the healing path, and you wish to reclaim your peace of mind, learn from someone with experience.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about some of the things that leads to a narcissist's downfall in a relationship.

So I think before we get started,

It's important to reiterate this idea that narcissism exists on a spectrum and that when we're talking about people who are narcissistic,

We're talking about people who exhibit a pervasive pattern of a lack of empathy,

A sense of entitlement,

And they tend to be emotionally exploitative.

If you know a narcissist,

You know someone who feels totally within their right to treat other people like they're less than.

They are people who don't mind criticizing other people openly and maybe even behind their back,

But it's not unlikely that if you know a narcissist that this person has a habit of being rude,

A habit of treating others,

Especially those that can do nothing for them in a negative way.

And this is something that you see ongoing.

I think it's also important to note that just because someone sets a boundary with you or with me doesn't make them a narcissist.

Someone that doesn't want to be my friend anymore doesn't make them a narcissist.

Just because I might not want to be friends with someone else doesn't make me a narcissist.

Someone who says something nasty about me doesn't make them a narcissist.

Just because I say something nasty about someone else doesn't mean I'm a narcissist.

It means we're human.

So we want to make sure that we're thinking very logically and rationally and fairly about people that we think are narcissists.

There is such a thing as healthy narcissism,

Meaning that I have a healthy,

Integrated self-perception that my idea of myself includes the not so nice aspects of my personality and the nicer aspects of my personality.

It's really easy to accept yourself when you see yourself as a good person.

It's not so easy to accept yourself when you recognize that you're not always that nice all the time.

It's much harder for most people to admit when they've been nasty,

To admit when they've felt jealous,

To admit when they made something up,

To admit when they tried to hurt someone else's feelings.

But I think it's fair to say that regardless of who you are,

We've all had weak moments.

And if we're really healthy,

Then we've gotten to a point,

I think it comes with age also and learning and wisdom and eventual insight and enough personal development work,

That we get to a point where we realize that it's impossible to be perfect and it's not possible to not be angry sometimes.

And in fact,

It's healthy to be angry sometimes.

It's not healthy to be Susie Sunshine all the time.

It's not healthy to pretend that what is happening is not happening.

Toxic positivity has to do with denying you're in pain,

Denying that things are as bad as they really are,

Pretending that things are okay.

I think one of the things that prevented my mother from escaping her relationship was her toxic positivity,

Constantly saying that everything was awesome when we knew it wasn't awesome,

Which allowed her to hide and deny a lot of what was happening in her relationship with my dad.

And this is just my opinion.

If she was alive today,

She may or may not admit that.

There were days where she called me on the phone and she would tell me that she was upset.

She felt stuck and she felt like she wasn't sure she could stay in the marriage.

As a matter of fact,

There was a point in my life where she told me she was going to leave my father.

I don't know what happened between them.

I wasn't privy to that information.

Our parents never talked about what was really going on anyway.

But in a few months after,

A few months after my mom told me that she was thinking about leaving my dad,

Things are back to normal,

Though she never left.

And over the years,

I watched her slowly just lose herself more and more and more.

So that's toxic positivity in my opinion,

Ignoring the truth,

Pretending things aren't as bad as they are.

So we want to make sure that when we're talking about people who are narcissistic,

We're being fair.

We're being as rational as we possibly can so that we can make clear cut decisions about where we stand.

Where does our power lie?

If you have identified someone in your life as highly narcissistic,

You may want to consider gray rocking them.

And when you gray rock someone,

There is no excuse for talking to them.

You are very flat when you talk to them.

You decide once and for all that you will no longer entertain them,

Give them any juice,

Give them any source of narcissistic supply.

That means if they say something really nasty about you,

You do not go back at them.

You shutty shutty.

You let it lie.

You let whatever it is that they're saying die on the vine.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic and you are becoming aware of what's happening,

Then you are someone who might be struggling with cognitive dissonance.

You might not trust how you feel.

You may have experienced so much gaslighting that you don't know whether or not you can trust your thoughts.

There's blame shifting.

You've been blamed for everything.

Nothing was the narcissist's fault.

You may have felt like they couldn't help but blame you for the slightest things.

They may have accused you of cheating.

And there's no reason for them to do that.

They may not want to let you out of your sight because they're afraid that person that comes to the door with the pizza is going to slip you his phone number.

I mean,

You name it.

There are so many ways that a narcissist can project their insecurity onto others that it's really mind-bending.

And if you're not aware of how narcissists operate,

Then you can become someone who gets stuck in this type of a cycle trying to figure out how to make someone happy who is absolutely impossible to please because they're not happy themselves.

They cannot generate self-love.

They cannot,

Well,

Not healthy self-love.

Most of us are able to sustain ourselves.

Even if we've had some trouble in the past,

Within our childhood,

Many of us are able to throw ourselves into a hobby or get involved with personal development work or we have other friendships.

Maybe our interpersonal romantic relationships are kind of difficult.

But if we're lucky,

We have one or two people that can offer us a place to land,

Someone that we can talk to about how we're feeling.

And to feel like we can sustain ourselves.

But when it comes to a narcissist,

This is impossible.

The way I look at it is imagine a narcissist as a battery and they need to plug into other people in order to sustain that battery or recharge that battery.

They don't have the ability to recharge their own battery because there's so much turmoil and turbulence.

There's like this black hole within them and it's a hellish and nightmarish experience for someone who is narcissistic.

And that's why they're so unstable.

And that's why they need to secure sources of narcissistic supply to keep their battery charged so it never drains to the point where they actually get in touch with that deep darkness within them.

And if you're the source of narcissistic supply,

You become the person they rely on to sustain this battery.

You can move from the first source of narcissistic supply to a fourth position of narcissistic supply as they move someone else into first place and someone else into second place and someone else into third place.

You can be a positive source of narcissistic supply where you are telling them that they're amazing.

They keep getting fired,

But you're telling them,

Babe,

It's not your fault.

They get a bunch of DUIs,

But you tell them it's not your fault.

This is ridiculous.

You got pulled over.

So you're reinforcing this illusion that the narcissist is not to blame for their actions.

You can be someone who tells them that they're brilliant,

That everyone is jealous of them,

And you become this mirror for what a narcissist wants to believe and actually tells themselves within,

Tells themselves within their own mind.

Or if you criticize the narcissist,

If you confront the narcissist,

If you stop being a source of amazing positive supply,

The narcissist might change it up and begin to persecute you.

They'll begin to see you as a threat.

And now through dominance,

Through control,

Through gaslighting,

They gain more supply.

So supply can be both positive and negative,

And that's something to be on the lookout for.

When it comes to what is the downfall or what are some of the downfalls in a relationship with a narcissist?

How do they really hurt themselves?

How do they lose sources of narcissistic supply?

And if you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist and you've been the one to unplug it,

You've been the one to say enough is enough,

Then you're really going to relate to some of these.

And let's face it,

There are many downfalls to a narcissist in a relationship or they hurt themselves over and over in relationships.

And it depends a lot on the type of narcissist you're dealing with as well.

So narcissists very much don't want to lose control and this will definitely cause them to lash out in lots of the cases and stonewall you,

For instance.

But I think one of the most devastating things that happens inside a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic is the experience of feeling so invalidated.

The lack of empathy that narcissists have for other people is excruciatingly painful,

Especially when you are somebody who has empathy,

Especially if you are someone who has a healthy dose of self-doubt,

Meaning that you don't just assume that you're right all the time.

You don't assume that what you say is the end all.

You're open to communication.

You are seeking the middle ground.

In fact,

You are someone that appreciates working things out with a partner who is just as committed as you are to creating a healthy space for the two of you to share what you really think and share what you really feel.

I personally don't think there's anything more beautiful than finding someone that you can trust to tell them what you really think and to not be judged for it and to not be abused for it and to actually have that partner actually work with you towards resolution.

I think that really reinforces a healthy relationship and can really help you have a long-lasting relationship as well.

But in order to have those types of relationships,

Then you have to be dealing with somebody who doesn't have high narcissistic traits,

Someone who isn't afraid to say,

I'm sorry,

Someone who isn't afraid to acknowledge that they're not perfect.

And so if you're dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic,

This lack of empathy ends up playing itself out.

And the way you feel as the partner is completely invalidated.

You feel like you don't matter.

And if you're not careful,

You end up twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to figure out a way to say whatever it is you need to say that will allow this person that you're dealing with to be able to receive you.

And like I said,

If you have healthy self-doubt,

You go back to the drawing board and you think,

Well,

Maybe I need to say it this way.

Maybe I need to say it that way.

Maybe he or she just didn't get it the first time.

Maybe I did come in a little bit too strong.

So you're doubting yourself,

Which is natural.

And you present yourself over and over and over to this person who cannot hear you.

It took me a long time to,

And it was painful to realize it because you have to let go of the good as well as the bad in a relationship when you decide to end it.

And I remember when I realized that this person was built to not hear me.

This person was built to just believe that I was wrong from the get-go.

And that was really tough because when you come to that realization,

You end up needing to make a decision.

Am I going to stay in a relationship that is so painful?

Am I going to be in a relationship with someone who is wired to not hear me?

What am I going to teach my children if I stay in this relationship?

What's going to happen if I end it?

It's very frightening.

And so I think that the number one reason relationships with narcissists fall is because of their lack of empathy.

They end up berating and devaluing a partner,

And this is what I was told by my ex-partner.

I thought that if I tore you down,

You'd be so crippled,

You'd come back to me.

And I remember thinking,

You said that out loud.

Like you said that out loud.

You actually verbalized this idea and in your head it makes sense.

That to me is just crazy.

It's just so irrational and it's so painful to think that you can love someone and spend a decade,

Two decades,

Three decades,

Have children with this person and think that you're on the same page and think that you're trying to move towards the same goal.

And then to have it come out that,

Oh no,

I never think about your feelings and I really don't feel like I have to listen to you.

And oh,

You want to leave me?

So I don't want you to leave me.

So I'll just cripple you so that you can't leave me.

I'll make it really difficult for you financially.

I'll talk badly about you.

I'll start rumors about you.

I'll make up stories about you.

I won't give you what I promised.

I'll make it difficult for you to move on.

I'll talk poorly about you to the kids.

This lack of empathy can be so pervasive that it affects everything that they say.

In other words,

It is like the base or the foundation of their logic.

And it can be so crippling when you're on the other end of it and you realize,

Wow,

So in your head devaluing me made sense to you.

And so if you devalued me as a woman or devalued me as a man and you make it really,

Really hard for me to love myself,

Then I can't be with anybody else because I have so many insecurities or I'm so afraid of your reaction or of what you're going to say that I should just stay in a relationship with you.

Like you think that's okay.

You think hurting someone is okay if you're hurting them because you want them to stay and they don't.

And I think this is the number one thing,

The number one downfall of someone who is highly narcissistic in a relationship.

It's the lack of empathy.

I think another downfall of someone who is highly narcissistic is their inability to apologize.

And so we're not perfect.

And in life we're going to make mistakes.

We're not always going to be Susie Sunshine or Jiminy Cricket.

And we're not always going to have patience.

We're not always going to feel well.

We're not always going to be able to anticipate the needs of other people or even fulfill the needs of other people.

We shouldn't even meet.

We shouldn't even be meeting a lot of the needs and expectations of sometimes people put on us.

We should be really more balanced and more honest with ourselves about what's right for us.

And that's not selfishness.

That's self care.

Self care means I can love myself and take care of myself even when you demand that I don't and I can love myself and I can love others at the same time too but I do it making sure that I'm putting myself first so that I can be there for you.

That's not selfish.

When you're codependent you think that taking care of yourself is selfish.

It gets all confused.

And you live your life trying to take care of other people,

Trying to be good enough and it doesn't work.

It never brings you the happiness or the relationships that you want.

You end up in codependent narcissistic relationships.

The inability to say I've had a bad day and I'm really sorry and to mean it is a downfall for a narcissist because they can't do it.

Because admitting that they're wrong threatens their false image.

They have to remain in control over this image and saying I'm sorry threatens that.

Another downfall is the need to devalue you which I think is very similar to a lack of empathy.

When someone who can't empathize with you sees you as less than and sometimes a narcissist will see your vulnerabilities as a weakness,

They can't be that vulnerable.

They can't open up like that.

They're too afraid.

That's too close to this pit,

This dark pit within them.

So they rely on their grandiose version of themselves.

So they devalue you when you maybe confront them or you show up as a person who cannot sustain their grandiose image of themselves.

You're just a normal person.

Maybe you want to go to the park alone.

Maybe you want to exercise alone.

Maybe you want to go hang out with some friends and you don't want the narcissist to come along.

Maybe you need some time alone.

Well you'll be devalued because you're not allowing the narcissist to control you and you're saying I'm an individual and you're not on a pedestal and I can't do this anymore and you're going to be devalued.

So it's another downfall in a relationship.

Their jealousy is another downfall.

When everybody gets jealous I think once in a while or in their lifetime,

But hopefully it's not because you're in a relationship with someone who is making things up and they want you to be jealous and they do this as a form of emotional manipulation.

They do it to cause crazy making.

They do it to throw you off balance.

They do it to dominate you.

So hopefully you're not in a relationship and not experiencing jealousy for those reasons.

But I think most of us feel insecure once in a while and most of us can feel jealous once in a while.

But I think the healthiest people amongst us are able to pull that back and to say,

Oh well,

You know,

It's okay that I felt this way but I don't want to make it a habit and my husband,

My boyfriend,

My girlfriend,

My wife really didn't do anything wrong.

It's really my insecurities that got the best of me.

I trust this person.

And you can work in that state of consciousness and move on.

Even ask for forgiveness and then it's done.

But then you work on it.

This is personal growth.

If you're in a relationship with someone who's trying to make you jealous,

I say be gone.

Like I'm not doing this.

I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who enjoys me feeling insecure.

I'm just not doing it.

So that's something that each of us have to think about.

Another downfall is they're insatiable.

They have such high expectations of themselves oftentimes and even of others.

So meeting their needs,

It's just not possible.

They want you to affirm them on every front.

The way that they look,

The way that they cook,

The projects that they offer at work,

Their hairstyle,

Their makeup,

The money in their bank,

The car that they're driving,

The friends that they just met.

There's constant,

Constant affirming that needs to get done.

You don't exist as a 3D person in the world of someone who's highly narcissistic.

You serve to make them feel good about them.

You don't acknowledge them.

Then they feel devalued themselves and then they will devalue you in return.

So this is the downfall in a relationship because you could meet someone and think everything's great.

Then you start to get the feeling like,

Uh-oh,

Nothing's ever good enough.

Another downfall is temper tantrums.

Narcissists are very much like two-year-old children that want to get their way and they will bully other people to get their way.

If they don't get their way,

Whatever that is,

Whether it's the best seat at the movie theater,

Whether it's the best seat at the restaurant,

Whether they weren't able to get the cashier at Target to give them 25% off because the sale ended two weeks ago,

Whatever it is that they want in the moment,

They want in the moment.

If they don't get what they want,

You'll see them meltdown.

This is exhausting for someone who is in a relationship with someone who has highly narcissistic traits.

Again,

This is a pervasive pattern.

We're not talking about someone who just got over COVID and they're tired and they're having some money problems and they really want this cashier to honor this 25% off coupon.

Like give me a break here.

I've had a rough week.

We're talking about someone who has temper tantrums often and you'll hear ex-boyfriends,

Ex-girlfriends,

Family members,

Coworkers say this person doesn't get what they want and there's going to be a temper tantrum.

The last thing that is,

I think that we're talking about today,

But the last downfall that I'd like to talk about in this session is the person who loves this narcissist will have a deep sense of feeling unloved.

You just won't feel loved.

After a while,

Your love tank,

Thank you,

John Bradshaw,

Your love tank will be so depleted from trying to understand this person.

Your love tank will be so depleted from trying to twist yourself into a pretzel.

Your love tank will be so depleted from gaslighting.

You're going to get to a point where you're just like,

I don't know what else to do.

Like I have no love to give.

I'm just depleted.

There's nothing left.

You get to a point where you're just like,

Sometimes you get like apathetic.

You just can't care anymore and you'll feel so unloved in the relationship that if you're lucky,

You'll decide to go.

You'll decide to leave it because it's just,

You can't do it anymore.

It's almost like being tied to the back of a truck and the truck is like running over rocks and gravel.

When does this stop?

When does the projection stop?

When do the temper tantrums stop?

When does the verbal assaults,

When do they stop?

When do the accusations stop?

When does peace arrive?

When can we actually find the middle ground,

Start working on something?

When do you stop seeing me as an adversary?

When do I get a chance to say,

Hey,

This is how I feel?

When do I get a chance to feel seen?

When do I feel like it makes sense to be in a relationship with you?

If you've loved a narcissist,

You may have cycled through some of these or all of these and maybe even some other aspects of the relationship that really caused you to say enough is enough.

If you love a narcissist,

You're not crazy if you feel unloved.

You're not crazy if you're sad.

You're not crazy if you are struggling with cognitive dissonance.

You don't know who you are.

You can't trust your thoughts.

This is all par for the course when you've really gotten involved with someone who has high narcissistic traits.

I would say that learning about narcissism,

Learning about the cycles of idealization and gaslighting,

Well,

Actually idealization leads to being devalued,

Leads to being discarded,

And then oftentimes a narcissist will try to hoover you back in.

I think learning about what's really going on is very helpful and can help you create distance between you and how you feel and what's happening to you.

Like why do I feel this way?

Because it all will make sense.

Finding the support of a therapist who understands what this is like,

Someone who could help you reevaluate your choices,

Reevaluate your feelings,

Help you reconnect to yourself,

Help you feel stable,

Help you feel safe,

Allow you to share your experiences,

Allow you to deal with any shame and embarrassment that this relationship may have caused you,

A really strong,

Safe,

Stable relationship that will allow you to be able to integrate what just happened so that you understand that it wasn't you.

You were really in an abusive relationship so that you have a healthier shot at still manifesting a healthier relationship in the future.

I hope this has been helpful.

Namaste everybody,

It's about the love and the light that is absolutely in you.

Find your light,

Let it shine.

Until next time,

Bye everybody.

Reviews

Your talks have been so helpful. They have helped me make sense of what I was experiencing, find a calm place in my center, and begin steps toward a healthier life. Thank you.

Wonderful and thoughtful 🙏 thank you for putting this together ❤️

I've found that lack of communication, openness and being able to put yourself into your partner place is key to understanding and developing trust and empathy 💛🧡

Thank you for the work you do. I’m not crazy. Well maybe a little, but in a different way.

you keep teaching because I keep learning- thank you 🙏

Thank you 🙏 wonderful tools to stop judging myself and others. I love your honest truthfulness. 🙏❤️💫😊

You have taught me to set boundaries, spot and address red flags, understand gaslighting, crazy making, blame shifting and unhealthy behaviour in general.
I'm deeply grateful for that 🙏❤️

Really eye opening. Thank you so much