Online Dating Apps; A Pool Of Narcissistic Supply

If you are looking for love on an online dating app, you need to be more aware than ever. Online dating apps are pools for narcissists seeking narcissistic supply. Online dating communities are carousels of treats for people who use these sites for various forms of narcissistic supply. In this episode, we discuss how you can learn to better honor red flags.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about why online dating apps are a breeding ground for narcissists.

In this day and age,

So many of us are on online dating apps,

Right?

That's how we're meeting people.

I myself even met my husband Anthony on an online dating app.

We actually found each other on eHarmony and it was great.

But there needs to be some exercise in understanding more about why online dating apps can be so notorious for narcissists who are hiding in wait to abuse someone whose attempts to find an ideal partner are actually honest and earnest.

Narcissism is about constructing a false narrative.

Narcissism is about lying.

Narcissism is about pretending to be something that you're not.

And when you're talking about an online dating profile,

You can be anybody that you want to be.

And some of the most clever narcissists are going to figure out what you want and what you're looking for just by reading your profile,

Just by scrolling through your Instagram and your Facebook and your other social media outlets and platforms.

And they're going to figure out what you're looking for and then they're going to become that to lure you in with the hopes of you becoming their narcissistic supply.

Somebody who is an emotionally abusive is going to be a chameleon.

They're going to become anything they think you want them to be so that they can calm you,

Scam you and lure you in with the agenda of abusing you in some way,

Shape or form.

This is so easy to do.

If you think about an online forum,

You're not meeting people face to face.

You're reading their profiles,

Right?

You're not dealing with them in person.

But back in the day when I was growing up,

If I wanted to date somebody,

I actually had to talk to the person.

I had to sit across from the person.

I had to actually go meet the person.

There was no virtual reality dating apps.

We have six children between the two of us,

My husband and I.

And I have friends who are in dating apps.

And I've heard horror stories of meeting people online who said they are one person,

But when you actually meet them,

They're not.

And so it's really important.

We have to exercise some level of common sense when we're dealing with these online dating apps.

And you have to know that you could be dealing with anybody who is lying.

Think about catfish.

That's why the MTV hit show Catfish is so popular,

Because we can all relate to it,

Right?

We all want love.

We all want to fall in love.

We all want to find the right person.

But there are people out there who are scamming other people,

Right?

So you're thinking about a narcissist who only cares about what they want and what they need at the expense of other people,

Exploiting the emotions of people who are coming to an online forum,

Honestly,

Looking for love,

Looking for commitment,

Looking for connection,

Or just looking to meet somebody,

Even if it is a casual experience.

But even if that's what you're looking for,

You're still looking for someone who's actually – who is saying that that's what they're looking for too.

So when you represent yourself online,

You're presuming that other people are showing up as themselves as well.

But narcissism is on the rise.

And we have to recognize that online dating apps are absolutely a breeding ground for people to hide behind a mask.

You can be anyone and anything online.

One of the things,

If you're dealing with someone who is a narcissist and you've found them on a dating app,

One of the things that you'll notice is they're going to want to push intimacy immediately.

They're going to love bomb you.

They're going to lure you in.

They're going to figure out what it is that you need,

What are your deepest wounds,

And they're going to exploit it all online.

And you're going to get hooked.

Oxytocin is going to flow.

You're going to feel seen.

And you're not going to know that this person that you're speaking to has another agenda.

Let's face it.

You can be anybody online.

You can make your profile look extremely attractive.

I've heard stories where people have used pictures that don't even represent the person fairly when you finally meet them.

So it's really important that if you're using an online dating app,

You have to recognize how easy it is for narcissists to slip into that arena and to just completely represent themselves falsely because they want to abuse you in some way.

It's far too easy to hook up with these dating apps and to get wrapped up with a narcissist because the narcissist is able to manipulate the way that they look.

They're able to manipulate their profile.

And in some cases,

Which I hear this all the time,

Narcissists are actually learning about you.

They're going to come into this dating situation with you after they figured out who you are.

If they really want to hone in on you,

If you really become their target,

They're going to want to know everything that there is to know about you.

They will use your wounds against you.

So one of the things that you have to be careful of is a huge red flag is the narcissist sob story.

Is this person that you hardly know luring you in like a Venus fly trap with a horrible story from the past,

Right?

Now many of us have had terrible things happen to us,

But when you first meet someone very early on and they're telling you about intimate details of their life,

That is a huge red flag,

Especially online when you've never met someone.

So be careful of that.

When someone is asking you right from the get go,

And I learned this one hard way,

When someone is asking you right from the get go about the most difficult things that you've had to experience in your life and what's the most tragic thing that's ever happened to you,

You may not recognize that this is a way that a narcissist is trying to figure out what your wounds are so that they can exploit them,

Right?

If you are somebody who is struggling with abandonment,

Then when it comes to a narcissist,

A narcissist is going to be able to figure that out pretty quickly.

And in the online dating arena,

What's really,

Really difficult is that so much of the hook in some cases happens online before you actually even meet them.

And so you're getting these pings,

You're giving,

You know,

You're getting text messages.

They're very flirtatious.

A narcissist will love bomb you.

A narcissist will tell you how beautiful you are.

A narcissist will tell you that,

Oh,

I would never treat you that way.

I would treat you like you were my queen or I would treat you like you were my king.

I've never felt so emotionally connected to anyone like you.

This is amazing.

And we haven't even met one another yet.

You don't know if this narcissist is talking to six or seven other people.

You don't know if this narcissist is just boring you in.

You just don't know.

Narcissists are very much going to be interested in oversharing way too early,

Even before you actually meet them.

So that is a huge red flag.

And this is because they're trying to soften you up,

Right?

They want you to see them as vulnerable.

They want you to see them as emotionally available.

That simply is not the case.

This emotional vulnerability that they're showing you is false.

It's just to lure you in.

In the beginning of a relationship,

Especially in an online situation,

You will notice that a narcissist,

And you might not notice this until after,

But narcissists will mirror you.

So in other words,

If you like animals,

They like animals,

Right?

You'll notice that there aren't many differences between you and someone with high narcissistic traits.

Now,

You would imagine that if you meet someone online,

Especially like these,

You know,

Fly by night dating apps,

Right?

It's when you meet someone online and they're liking everything that you like,

That could be a red flag.

You know,

It could be that this person is just mirroring what you feel because they're trying to lure you in.

One of the things that you can look for is look for a sense of entitlement.

What happens when you don't text this person back?

What happens when you ask this person about something maybe they don't want to talk about,

Right?

Are you sensing arrogance?

Are you sensing entitlement?

How does he talk about or how does she talk about past relationships?

Is there any accountability?

Does this person text you when they say they're going to text you or is there always an excuse for why this person isn't texting you back?

You know,

Make sure that you're also in a situation where you're hearing,

Right?

I've had men and women that I've coached who have said,

Well,

This person I was talking to said they didn't want to be in a relationship and said they wanted something casual,

But I kept pushing.

You have to listen,

Right?

And then I've had people say,

I said I only wanted something casual and this other person on the,

On either I was texting,

Just kept pushing.

So you have to listen.

If someone isn't listening to you,

That's a red flag,

But you also have to make sure that you're listening.

So if you're in a dating,

If you're on a dating app and someone is saying that I want something casual,

They mean they want something casual.

So don't go into,

Go into this thinking,

Oh,

I'm going to be able to change them and oh,

Things will be different.

Make sure you're listening.

You have to recognize that a narcissist sees a dating app as an endless stream of possible narcissistic supply.

Adoration,

Like just praise me.

However a narcissist can be anything that they want to represent themselves to be online.

I mean,

If you think about MTV's hit show catfish and you think about how the person behind,

You know,

The,

The computer is acting like there's something that they're not,

They know they're not the profile picture that they've uploaded to Facebook.

They know it,

But what are they getting?

They're getting the high of the narcissistic supply,

Even though that they know that their profile is a mask.

The other thing to consider when we're dealing with narcissists is narcissists have a very difficult time,

If not impossible times remaining faithful.

And so on dating websites,

It's just way too easy to hook up and get onto the next one.

So I would say I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm going to say that,

You know,

You need to be extremely careful in online dating because it is a pool of narcissistic supply for a narcissist.

And if you're not careful,

It's going to be very easy for you to get caught up in the web of a narcissist.

A narcissist is not going to want to keep you on a dating website.

A narcissist is going to want your phone number.

They're going to want your email address.

They're going to want your address.

They're going to want more personal information so that they can take this,

This relationship off the dating website.

And that's where you have to be really,

Really careful of giving people your personal information that you do not know these people.

If you are on a dating website,

You must recognize that you do not know who you are dealing with.

And when it comes to where is a narcissist going to hang out,

A narcissist is going to hang out on a dating website.

That's not to say that if you're using a dating website,

You are a narcissist.

That is to say you need to pay attention and you have to understand that a dating website is like a pool for a narcissist to swim in because it's just way too many opportunities to represent a false self.

Remember,

Back in the day,

We had to meet people face to face,

Right?

Now with online dating,

You can be any person that you need to be.

You can actually scour someone's social media,

Go onto a dating website,

Find that person and become the mirror of what this unassuming person wants you to be.

So if a narcissist wants to manipulate you,

All they have to do is figure out what dating website that you're at and hope that you match up with them.

But if this narcissist has figured anything out about you,

Then they could create a profile that matches and mirrors your profile.

Narcissists are hard to spot in person.

They're even harder to spot online because you're not meeting this person right away face to face,

Right?

They can say anything,

They can be anything and you're going by what they're telling you.

And a narcissist is all about dominance and control and wanting to manipulate how you see them so that they can garner a sense of narcissistic supply from you.

There are plenty of narcissists that are online that have plenty sources of narcissistic supply and they are feeding off the energy of people that are there for all the right reasons.

So if you're on a dating website,

It's important that you recognize how drawn narcissists are to these types of dating websites.

Because every interaction is a possibility to garner another source of narcissistic supply.

Bottom line,

If something doesn't feel right and something feels off and you recognize the red flags,

It's like,

Wanting to get to know you too quick,

Revealing a sob story,

Asking you really personal questions,

Becoming very sexual right away,

Asking you,

Trying to figure out if you're going to be the type of woman or man that's going to be lured into a situation that you don't want to really be involved with.

Right?

So if these red flags begin to appear,

It's really important,

Especially in an online dating situation that you listen to your gut.

If something feels off,

Something is off.

And this is coming from someone who learned the hard way.

If I would have trusted my gut all those years ago,

I would not have been abused the way I was in the last narcissistic relationship that I found myself in.

So this is a word of advice from someone who's been there,

From someone who avoided her gut and could have ended up in a lot more trouble than I actually ended up in.

Reviews

Having been through multiple bad experiences via dating apps, it now makes sense why something in me kept stopping me from getting back on them.

If i knew all this from before. This people cab destroy your life and more..... more time you spend with them, longer will be the process of healing

Straight forward, hard hitting, and factual! Thank you Lisa!

Really useful guidence, thank you Lisa. Love and blessings 💖 x

interesting! very helpful and useful information about how to spot a narcissist online in dating apps!

Hit the nail on the head! This was a perfect example of what happened to me on eHarmony 10 years ago. Not dissing the platform, just learned my lesson. Those of us raised by narcissists have to be all the more careful!

I love your wake up podcasts.and your BREAKTHROUGH CLASSES! Codependent is a lot of habitual thinking! It takes time to breakthrough. It’s a lot of divine miracles that I’m still here! I’m here to wake up to my rightful God given place on this planet to love myself! I have lived at the expense of my own inner child’s suffering! Indeed you are turning lights on everywhere Lisa! Thank you for helping me to turn on mine! I can say I’m truly happy and intend on more joy! Already it’s filling my heart up and overflowing! Feeling incredibly grateful! This podcast will save many from narcissistic abuse! I’m eternally grateful that I too can love myself and my light will attract others that want light too. Already happening!