If You Defend A Narcissist, It Might Be A Trauma Bond

In this episode, Lisa A. Romano discusses trauma bonding with a narcissist and/or toxic person in your life. If you defend a narcissist or an abuser, it might be because you're experiencing a trauma bond.

Transcript

Today we're going to be talking about trauma bonds and some of the things we will hear ourselves saying to ourselves When we are in a trauma bonded situation with someone like a narcissist So let's break down what a trauma bond is So if you have a trauma bond with an abusive person then you have been experiencing intermittent reinforcement So one day things are really good and the next day things are really bad or you have a period of Things being really awesome and the person you're dealing with Reinforces you there's this positive reinforcement.

There's positive validation You're praised on one day But then in the periods of your relationship when it gets really dark things get really sour and sometimes very very quickly and sometimes very dark and What happens is you don't even realize that you're being pulled into an abusive cycle and so it's important that you recognize that there's this intermittent intermittent validation or inconsistent validation over time and So what's happening?

What's happening is you're being primed to seek validation and you're also being primed to fear a negative outcome This is what I call the codependent hamster's wheel.

So what happens in an abusive relationship?

Is that there are two things that are going on primarily a you seek validation and This is where you're getting your sense of pleasure from right?

So your mind is being primed to think it's good to get validation.

So you're associating pleasure with that but on the flip side of that you're associating pain with a negative outcome and So if you're dealing with someone who's abusive you are at the same time Being primed to seek their validation.

Good boy.

Good girl And at the same time you're being primed or brainwashed to fear the outcome or to fear the negative outcome from disappointing this abusive person So in a trauma bond situation,

There are a number of things that take place So let's break them down if you're in a trauma bonded situation You are someone who most likely makes excuses for an abusive person So when people try to interfere you go right into Protecting or defending the person who is putting you down or who is abusing you in a different way So you end up defending the abuser?

Number two if there is some type of a dependency on the abuser Let's say there's some financial dependence on the abuser Then it's going to be much easier for you because you're in a vulnerable situation To rationalize the abuser's behavior number three.

There's an unhealthy attachment Although you may recognize this relationship isn't all that healthy.

You literally have an unhealthy Attachment to this person and when you have an unhealthy attachment to this person for instance Let's say your mother is abusive.

It's going to be easy for you to rationalize her behavior than it would be if you did if you had a Much healthier attachment with your mom when we have unhealthy attachments to our parents We often develop symptoms of codependency And so we are fawning we are people-pleasing and these are the ways we're trying to avoid upsetting a narcissistic parent like a narcissistic mom and This is also the way we get to avoid our own negative feelings about the abuser number four which is really sad and something that we all have to recognize and we don't When we are in the throes of a trauma bond is that a narcissist or a highly manipulative person gets the victim to assume responsibility for the abuse so you are being Completely yelled at narcissistic rage from your girlfriend or your boyfriend says then you were Basically brainwashed to believe that it was all your fault for the narcissistic rage It was all your fault for their accusation It was all your fault that they cheated on you It was all your fault that they left or that they called you names or they were mean to your children It was all your fault and so this is a concept of trauma bonds that is Very very familiar to those of us who have come from abusive narcissistic relationships You will be brainwashed to believe it's all your fault.

So in order for a trauma bond to take hold Certain criteria has to be evident and number one is that you have to be afraid so there is an absolute threat in this situation So you perceive Going against the narcissist as a threat something bad is going to happen So your brain is hijacked with fear And that's what this trauma bond is really all about.

It's it the bond is fear.

You're afraid of what's going to happen If this person gets upset or perceives you in a way that is untrue and triggers him Number two is that you experience harsh treatment,

But you're also experienced moments of pleasure,

Which is why you're so confused So if a narcissist was cruel to you all the time You wouldn't be able to get away with it The problem is that you're in a relationship with someone who is abusive and then you experience moments of pleasantries So maybe they bring home flowers or maybe they create a picnic situation for you Or maybe they hire a limousine and you go out and now night on the town these experiences are confusing you They make you hold on another aspect of the trauma bond situation is when you're in a relationship with someone who is abusive People have different input levels of procedentsors who are both different types of person And then you form tea-retired relationship whether it's wedding,

Marriage or social mourning And as any relationship with someone that is abusive they can tell you that they are affiliate If that person is somebody who has three disabilities their relationship state or sometimes you that parent state,

?

- away,

You don't want to hear what they have to say.

Another,

It's so sad,

But another aspect of this whole trauma bonding situation is you believe that you're in a situation that you can't leave.

Like you feel like you can't escape this situation.

You feel helpless to the situation and you feel powerless.

Remember,

We're talking about a bond,

A traumatic bond.

So what happens with someone who is abusive and you call them out on it?

What happens,

And this also reinforces the trauma bond,

Is that they promise to change.

So you've had a blowout with your girlfriend or your boyfriend and they've embarrassed you in front of some friends,

They've done some really shady stuff,

You've caught them cheating,

You caught them in a lie red-handed,

You caught them stealing your car,

Writing out checks in your name,

Right?

All sorts of nonsense,

Right?

This is after they've taken you to,

On a trip to Acapulco that you paid for and you haven't figured out yet,

But I'm just saying,

This is the craziness,

The up and the down of a trauma bond.

So what will happen is that when you catch an abusive person like a narcissist in a situation red-handed,

They might agree to change.

They might cry,

They might tell you how sorry they are and they commit to change,

But if you pay attention,

If you stand on the moon,

As I like to say,

And you observe the pattern in your relationship,

What you will notice over time is that they never change and their hope,

When they tell you that they're going to change,

This actually reinforces your commitment to them because now it's like future faking.

Now you're holding on to the possibility that things are going to get better soon.

So what are the signs of a trauma bond?

So the signs of a trauma bond are that you're in an abusive relationship and you're making excuses for it and you're taking responsibility for it,

You're pushing people away who wanna help you,

Friends and family are very concerned about you and you're isolating yourself off,

And the person who's abusing you is also wanting to isolate you from friends and family as well.

You will defend an abuser and you'll feel too frozen to end it.

You'll feel like I've had invested so much time,

I know this person's going to change,

I know this person is only this way under certain situations,

There's a lot of excuses,

You feel afraid.

Now this is the thing,

When we are in a trauma bonded situation,

Oftentimes we're taught that our reality is irrelevant,

We don't pay attention to the way that we feel,

And so we doubt that we feel what we feel,

And so we're not tapping into the fear,

The fear below the veil of consciousness is motivating our behavior,

Our seeking approval behavior,

It's motivating our hope,

Right?

Oh,

Things will get better soon,

All I have to do is make sure that his potatoes are hot enough and make sure that I don't upset her by talking about this and make sure I put my shoes in the closet just the way he or she wants me to and I can't leave a fork on the table because that might turn her into a,

Turn her narcissistic rage on,

So if I do all of these things then I can avoid this negative outcome.

The problem is,

And this is one of the reasons I like to create content like this,

Is because you need to become aware of how you're feeling,

So if you are in fear,

You might not even know you're in fear,

Below the veil of consciousness you're just going right into people pleasing behavior,

You're going right into survivor behavior,

Fawning,

Rescuing,

Enabling,

Detaching from your own emotions,

Trying to keep your eye on the narcissist,

Trying to anticipate the narcissist's needs.

I watched my mother live her whole life this way,

I'm telling you,

This is what happens,

You lose yourself and you get caught up on this codependent hamster's wheel and it is seeking approval and fearing a negative outcome by an abusive person.

So what are some of the things that we say to ourselves when we are in a trauma bond with a narcissist?

Well,

If you've ever heard yourself say,

She doesn't always act like this,

She only gets this upset when I don't do what she wants me to do.

He acts this way because he loves me,

This is why he's so angry.

No one understands our relationship,

Our relationship is unique and so just because she goes off on a tangent like this and she has this rage,

Doesn't mean that our relationship is bad.

You don't understand the connection we have.

If I didn't say that,

Then he wouldn't have flown off the handle.

She said these things,

And she behaved this way because I made her angry.

He always says he's sorry after he does this,

So I know he loves me and I know eventually in time he's going to change.

If you've heard someone say,

Or if you have said,

I know things are going to get better,

This is only happening because she lost her job.

Or he only gets like this when he's drinking.

Or he came from a dysfunctional home,

That's why he has all these problems,

That's why he can't keep a job,

That's why he's so frustrated,

That's why he threw a beer can through the window.

It's all because he's frustrated.

His father was an alcoholic and he gets highly upset because he doesn't have a job,

He can't keep a job,

So of course he's upset,

So he yells at the kids,

Ah,

Ah,

No bueno.

In all of that what you're hearing is rationalization and justifications for poor behavior.

And so this is what we need to pay attention to,

Not only in ourselves,

But when we hear this in family members,

What you're hearing is basically a rationalization of poor behavior.

So how do we break a trauma bond?

Well,

If you want to break anything you have to understand it,

Right?

So if you want to break up some concrete you know that you need a jackhammer,

Right?

Because of what concrete is.

If you have some glue on your table,

Let's say some tape that is stuck to your table,

You might want to use some vinegar to release the bond the glue has on the table.

And so you're basically looking at the trauma bond very analytically,

What is this all about?

So the trauma bond is basically all about manipulation,

But it's mostly rooted in fear.

So it's rooted in the fear of abandonment,

It's rooted in the fear of making this other person upset,

It's rooted in the fear of a negative outcome.

And so we have to understand that any time that we are trauma bonded,

We are making someone else our God.

We are putting a false God before ourselves.

This is what we're doing.

We're saying that how you treat me is okay and I should tolerate any form of abuse because you're above me and I just have to go along with the program,

I just have to tolerate it,

I should never question it because I have no right to do that,

Right?

Now,

We're giving our rights over to the other person.

Now this just doesn't happen all by itself.

If you've come from a dysfunctional home and you've been taught that your feelings don't matter,

You don't trust yourself,

That's no bueno,

Right?

If you've been bullied by a narcissistic mom who called you selfish,

Who called you a drama queen,

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist who then says to you,

You're a drama queen,

You will recoil and you will very much feel like that three or four year old little girl,

Little boy who was shamed in childhood.

You will not,

If you're below the veil of consciousness,

Recognize that you've been marginalized,

That you have been minimized or that you've been devalued.

We have to recognize that trauma bonds are not based in reality,

That you are in a relationship perhaps with someone who promises to change and they never change.

You are in a relationship with someone who lies to you.

You are in a relationship with someone who cannot listen to you,

Who takes no responsibility,

Who takes no accountability and who exploits your emotions,

Who feels entitled to exploit you emotionally.

For me,

The telltale sign of narcissism is someone who is unwilling to listen to you and then when you are at your lowest point,

They pull out the sharpest emotional weapon,

Which is something that you shared with them during a vulnerable moment.

So maybe you told them that you had a fallout with one of your best friends as a kid and they hang it over your head.

And whenever you are at your lowest point,

They come out and they use this weapon against you or if they are losing the argument and they really wanna do some damage,

They wanna throw you off your game,

They wanna exploit you emotionally,

They wanna fry your brain,

They wanna hurt you so bad that it's like pouring gasoline on a fire,

They wanna see you explode because then they get to see,

See,

She's crazy,

See,

He's overreacted,

Right?

No accountability for what they said and the way they tried to emotionally hurt you.

No,

The goal is to throw you off your game and to find something from the past that you shared with them that is a sharp,

Shiny object that they can hurt you with when they're losing an argument or if they really,

Really,

Really wanna hurt you and they feel like you think you're getting some power or attraction in the relationship.

So trauma bonds are not based in reality,

They're all based on fantasy thinking,

Thinking that you're responsible for something that you're not responsible for,

Based on this idea that this person,

It's okay that this person is treating you this way so you have empathy and sympathy for this person,

You're rationalizing poor behavior,

That's not based in reality.

Let me say that again,

That is not based in reality.

You thinking that this person is going to change because you're accepting poor behavior is not based in reality,

That is not factual.

In fact,

People like that get worse.

When you enable someone's poor behavior,

They get worse.

It's like the blob,

Right?

So they just consume everything in their way so you start excusing the way they treat you,

Then they start abusing your kids and you're making excuses for that,

Then they start abusing your mom or your sister or your friends and that's it,

They just go.

So this idea that you are in a trauma bonded situation and you are making excuses for the behavior and the backstory in your mind,

Oh well,

They're only this way because they're hungry or they're only this way because they had a poor childhood,

Making excuses and all I have to do is love this person and not make them angry and everything's gonna be okay.

That is a complete fabrication.

That is like fairy tale nonsense.

It's whimsical thinking,

It's not factual.

So if you really wanna break a trauma bond,

It's time for you to accept you're not living in reality and you have to start thinking more factually.

You have to start collecting data and you have to start looking at the situation more logically and less emotionally.

So how can you do that?

How can you think less with your emotional brain and more with your rational brain?

I like data and so sit down at your desk,

Get out a journal and think about all the times this person has said they're sorry and never changed.

Think about all the times you've caught this person in a lie and they just continue to lie.

Think about all the times this person has cheated.

Think about all the times this person said they were going to do X,

Y and Z and they never did it.

Think about the times this person,

You lent this person money and they never returned the money but they always had a story for when they were going to return the money,

Right?

So you wanna start collecting data.

When did this person explode?

How did it make you feel?

Who was there?

Collect the data.

On what date did it happen?

What were you wearing?

What was he or she wearing?

What was the situation?

Was it a coffee cup that you left on the coffee table?

Was it that you didn't tell them about a doctor's appointment?

Was it that you made a decision about the kids and didn't include them in the decision and it was a minor decision like what color shoelaces is,

Are we putting in the kid's sneakers?

Like collect the data.

That's going to help you decrease your emotions tied to the situation and increase your ability to see this thing more logically.

Number two,

Try to get in the habit of staying rooted in reality and shutty shutty.

Don't make excuses for poor behavior.

Leave it there,

Right?

When you're in a trauma bond and someone that you love that is abusive to you does something that you know they shouldn't have done,

Maybe they lied to your family and you know that they're lying,

Right?

So you're standing there and you're frozen like,

She's lying,

Right?

So rather than in your head go into rationalization mode,

Just for a moment,

Leave the lie out there.

Imagine that this abusive person is in their own psychological condom,

If you will,

And you are learning to let go.

You are learning to accept that this person is generating their own karma and you are no longer taking responsibility or accountability for what comes out of their mouth and you're no longer rationalizing their poor behavior.

Just begin to try to stop making excuses for their poor behavior in the now.

Make sure that you find support.

Trauma bonds are extremely difficult to break because we're talking about the mechanism of pain versus pleasure,

Which is a default setting of the brain.

This is some true pokey pokey subconscious stuff,

Right?

So that's why you'll always hear me say that if you wanna heal,

You have to raise your level of consciousness around what it is you want to change because the brain is habitual.

Thinking is habitual,

Right?

And so if I've been conditioned by a manipulative person to be afraid to open my mouth,

Then below the veil of consciousness,

I'm stuffing my feelings.

If I have been conditioned to be afraid to speak up and say,

Hey,

I don't like that because the narcissist is going to call me names,

I'm not going to speak up.

If I've been conditioned to believe that everything's my fault,

Then I'm going to below the veil of consciousness,

Subconsciously,

Do everything I can to fawn and people please acquiesce and to basically make this other person my God,

Live to make this other person happy.

I'm not going to honor my feelings.

I won't know how to.

So it's really,

Really important that we stop making excuses and that we find the support we need to help us stay rooted in the reality of this idea that we're really in an abusive relationship and we need help.

You're really going to also allow yourself to grieve because when you're in a trauma bond,

It's all about the future.

Things are going to get better when.

She is going to feel better when.

He is going to be great when.

When our life falls into this box,

Everything's gonna be great.

Then she will be happy.

Then he will be happy.

There's always this future fantasy thinking going on in our hearts when we are trauma bonded because we're always making excuses and we think things are going to get better because we've been experiencing these intermittent moments of pleasure and validation and acceptance that are sometimes really freaking awesome.

Like they can be addictive.

It feels like a heroin addiction or some type of any addiction really where you're experiencing the lack and then all of a sudden you get the hit and your brain can become addicted to this hit and below the veil of consciousness,

You're living in fear of never having that hit again.

And this can keep you like a hamster's on a wheel,

On a wheel,

Always seeking this person's validation,

Always hoping that they're gonna return this amazing,

Awesome energy to you and that very much keeps you stuck.

So it's important that you recognize that you've been involved in a fantasy,

That you had this idea that things were gonna be great one day and you might be attached to this fantasy and it's really hard to face a trauma bond,

See an abusive person for who and what they are,

See how you may have enabled it,

Pushed family and friends away,

Didn't wanna listen to people like your sister,

Your brother,

People who loved you and were like,

Hey,

Something's up.

You didn't wanna listen,

You didn't wanna listen to your father or your mother who said this is not going to work.

It's so hard to wrap your mind around this idea that you have to let this go.

What are you letting go of?

You're letting go of a fantasy,

Right?

And it's really,

Really important that if you're trying to break the trauma bond and that's your intent for being here,

That you recognize that grieving and letting go,

It's like a death,

You have to embrace it,

Right?

You're in denial of it,

Then you start to get angry about it,

You start to bargain and then you go into depression and finally acceptance.

When you finally get to a point where you're feeling low about this,

You're at a place where you accept that you have to release this fantasy,

You're accepting,

You're letting go of this trauma bond and you know that a brighter future is ahead even though you don't have all the pieces of the puzzle yet.

The fear of the unknown is very scary,

But I think staying in a relationship that it can only get worse is more frightening.

The next thing that you wanna do,

And this takes effort,

Right?

It takes effort to change your life.

It takes effort to change your habitual thoughts.

So recognize that this is going to take effort.

No one changes their life overnight,

No one.

I don't know anyone who has.

I was able to turn my life around because I put so much time and effort into managing my thoughts and managing my emotions and to changing my thoughts and changing my emotions.

It was a full-time job for me.

And I was just so excited about the possibility that I knew,

I absolutely knew based on the work that I had done in psychology,

Based on my understanding of quantum mechanics and how the universe operates.

I understood beliefs,

Created ideas,

Created habitual thoughts,

And our habits really create our lives.

And I thought,

Well,

If I can get ahold of my beliefs and change them and develop new habits,

Then in time I absolutely will shift my world.

But you also have to be patient.

So you can't want this to just happen.

This is a time-space reality we live in.

Earth is a very dank reality,

So things move very slowly.

So I know this is like an instant manifestation world these days with Amazon Prime and everything is just so instant,

A text message,

Emails,

FaceTiming,

Just everything is right here at our fingertips.

It could cause our ego to be sort of resistant to this idea that changing our life is going to take time.

But I can speak to you with confidence and with conviction,

And I really hope that you're hearing me when I tell you that if you practice this,

If you are patient,

And if you are diligent,

Your life must change.

It's the law,

But you can't give up.

Remember,

Human beings don't fail,

They give up.

Or they never start.

So if you're someone who decides to get on this path and you start and you hold onto it,

And you never give up,

Your life must change.

That's my guarantee to you,

But you can't ever give up.

So you wanna start redefining what a healthy relationship looks like.

It's going to take time to do this.

So again,

You sit down with your notebook and you ask yourself,

What are my deal-breakers?

What are my must-haves?

I learned this from being on the website eHarmony,

That's actually how I met my husband,

Anthony.

And I thought it was brilliant the way they listed things.

What are your must-haves and what are your deal-breakers?

And it got me really clear about what I would tolerate and about what I would not tolerate.

One of my must-haves were I have to be in a relationship with someone who has empathy,

With someone who is consistently empathetic.

So I was gonna be on the lookout for whether or not the next person in my life was able to be empathetic over the long haul,

Right?

So being married to someone who's aloof,

Being married to someone who really doesn't,

Who didn't seem like he cared or he had any energy invested in,

You know,

Creating a strong bond between the two of us,

I was scarred by that.

So I decided I need somebody who has empathy,

I need to be involved with someone who could actually reciprocate conversation,

I need somebody who is in touch with their feelings.

These were my must-haves.

So make sure that you're making a list of must-nots or deal-breakers and must-haves.

Why?

Because so oftentimes we find ourselves in the middle of relationships and we've been love-bombed,

We've been,

You know,

There has been some idealization so we feel validated and it feels good.

Everybody likes that,

You know,

We're not crazy because we like it.

And then we get,

You know,

Blindsided by this really crazy experience,

You know,

This really down in our experience,

In our relationship.

And we see upside of this person that is terrifying and,

You know,

The bells and whistles are going off,

But,

You know,

We're on the hook.

And then this person starts to make us feel like,

Well,

It's your fault,

Or they start excusing their own behavior,

Like,

Oh,

I drank too much and that's why I acted that way.

Or I had a really bad day at work and that's why I was abusive.

Or,

You know,

My mother called me today at work and that's why I took it out on you.

And we're like,

Okay,

That makes sense,

Right?

Okay,

And then guess what?

It happens again.

And then there's another excuse,

Or they up the ante and they bring flowers home this time.

Right,

So there's this positive reinforcement.

Or one of the things that I've heard in my past is you're still understanding.

And so now it's like,

Oh my gosh,

I have to be like misunderstanding,

Which means I can't hold you accountable because you've labeled me as misunderstanding.

And so part of their manipulation is labeling you as understanding.

They're giving you validation for being empathetic.

So now it's like they're putting it out there into the universe and now you can't be the person who has a boundary with them because you're the person they see as understanding,

Kind,

Considerate,

You're a saint,

You're their savior.

They don't know what they would do without you.

And so you're being primed,

Right?

You're being labeled and that all that's really doing is reinforcing the trauma bond and making it more difficult for you to stand in your power and say enough is enough.

Another thing I'd like you to consider on top of all of these other things is consider finding a trauma-informed therapist,

A therapist who understands this type of trauma bond,

A therapist who understands how difficult it's going to be for you to see things clearly in the beginning,

A therapist who's gonna understand that your reality has been messed with,

Right?

You're not trusting your internal reality.

You have been emotionally,

Psychologically manipulated by someone who is a fantastic actor,

By someone who needed to feel superior to you,

By someone who needed you to subjugate your feelings and your reality to their reality.

This is going to take time to unwind.

So my suggestion is when you're out and about and you're looking for a therapist,

Do some investigation and make sure you're dealing with someone who is absolutely trauma-informed.

Throw the word out there.

Throw the word narcissist out there.

Throw the word psychopath out there,

Sociopath,

And see if the person that you're dealing with says to you,

Yes,

I have experience working with victims of narcissistic abuse.

Thank you so much for being here.

I hope that this session has helped you better understand a trauma bond.

I hope it's helped you understand that the highs and the lows of a relationship,

When they are built on really,

Really deep lows and then you are reinforced with validation and there's a lot of pleasure associated to the relationship and you end up back there again and people are trying to tell you something's wrong and you hear yourself defending this person,

Feeling sorry for the person who's abusing you.

If you feel yourself being walled off and isolated,

You're doing it yourself and or the abusive person,

I.

E.

A narcissist is isolating you.

These are all the warning signs that you're in a trauma bonded situation.

These are the warning signs that you're being manipulated to think that it's your fault.

These are the warning signs of being reinforced that this intermittent validation or inconsistent validation is a part of your relationship,

Which is extremely damaging and it's toxic.

You should be in a relationship with someone that you know loves you all the time.

You should be in a relationship with someone who's emotionally stable that you know what to expect from them.

And even if they have a bad day,

It's a once in a while type of thing,

But they're owning it,

They're taking responsibility for it.

If you're in fear,

That's a huge one,

The huge red flag that you're in a trauma bond is that you're walking around in fear of not getting this person's approval and you're walking around in fear of a negative outcome.

So this is gonna come down to each of us really evaluating where we are in our relationships.

But you should not be afraid in your relationships.

And if you are,

This is a big red flag that you might be in a trauma bonded relationship with someone like a narcissist.

Reviews

incredibly helpful, thank you

Just coming out of a trauma bonding relationship of 12 years. I am slowly recovering. It's so hard. Thank you for all confirmations 🙏 I might not be crazy after all 😊

Thank you for helping me understand the complexities of unhealthy relationships

I been listening to you for years ! Thank you so much for teaching and sharing . I appreciate you!

Thank you so much listening to you is really helping me !!

Perfect reminder of the red flags, diminishing your feelings, blaming you, inconsistent validation like a carrot, then waiting for the approval is setting you up!
Thank YOU!!!

Listen to this. Then listen again & again. Trauma bonding is insidious & real. Lisa A. Romano you are an amazing resource and example that I, we can heal ourselves with help. Thank you.

Very informative. Thank you very much. I recognize almost everything.

Super!