How To Develop A Thick Skin With A Narcissist So You Don't Become Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists want one thing, and that is to turn you into a source of narcissistic supply. In this episode, Life Coach and bestselling author Lisa A. Romano reveals ways in which you can become immune to narcissists so they leave you alone.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

Today,

We're going to be talking about how you can get a narcissist to leave you alone.

If you've been involved with a narcissist,

If you have married a narcissist,

If your sister's a narcissist,

If your boss is a narcissist,

If you're dealing with people in your life that are toxic,

They're overwhelming,

They just want to take over conversations all the time,

They have to make everything about them,

You notice that they are condescending,

They're highly critical of people that you know,

Or maybe even you.

They have little empathy for you.

They have little empathy for people in their life.

They tend to be highly judgmental.

They tend to feel entitled to exploit other people's emotions.

These are people in your group of friends that leave you like shaking your head.

It is not unlikely for someone if you hang out with someone who is narcissistic,

You'll notice that they're passive aggressive,

They might gaslight you.

But today we're going to be talking about how you can get a narcissist to basically leave you alone.

And I really feel like in my opinion,

That is the whole point.

Like if you're here and you're listening and you're learning from other people on YouTube or you're listening to other podcasts,

Maybe reading books,

You're in support groups,

You're interested.

You've been touched by this narcissistic bug and it's been unpleasant.

And you may have experienced tremendous,

Tremendous trauma.

You may have been abused in all different types of ways,

Emotionally,

Psychologically,

Financially and in other ways.

You may have had your name smeared.

I mean,

It's never ending.

And so you're here,

You're looking for answers.

And in my opinion,

One of the best goals that we can set out to achieve after coming out of a narcissistic relationship or after being friends with the narcissist,

How do I get them to leave me alone?

Narcissists generally,

Once they attach themselves to a source of narcissistic supply,

Don't give up very easily.

They can become belligerent.

They can become very aggressive when they know that you have figured them out.

Sometimes what they'll do is they'll actually leave you.

They'll discard you.

You're just not fun to play with anymore.

And if you are someone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist,

You finally figure out what's going on.

You feel abandoned.

You've gone through all of these phases where the narcissist has created a trauma bond,

Where they love bomb you.

Then they put you down and then they threaten to abandon you.

And then you chase after their approval.

You think,

Oh no,

What have I done to upset this amazing person?

You're filling with tremendous self doubt.

And before long,

You're actually apologizing to the narcissist.

And this is a cycle,

Right?

If you hang out with the narcissist long enough,

And if this is a family member,

You may get into a pattern of crying uncle,

Where I'll say I'm sorry and then she'll stop stamping her feet.

I'll apologize for forgetting to pick up her mail or forgetting to pick up his mail.

And I'll even say,

Yeah,

I did it on purpose just to get them to leave me alone.

Narcissist has their opinion of you.

They do black and white thinking.

That's the way they think.

It's the world according to the narcissist and their opinion of you is solid.

They're not interested in how you perceive yourself.

They're not interested in the actual reality of you,

Who you really are.

It's their version of you.

And narcissists are always right,

Right?

And so if they experience some type of uncomfortable conflict,

You call them out on something or they feel slighted,

Then they have to really like beat you down until you are so emotionally broken that you're apologizing,

That you're like,

Okay,

I did it.

Okay.

Can we move on now?

It's exhausting.

Narcissistic relationships are absolutely exhausting.

You end up defending yourself all the time or defending your friends.

It's just,

It's monotonous.

So that's probably why you're here.

You're trying to wrap your mind around like,

What have I been going through and how can I recover?

What is the best way for me to recover?

I am not someone that believes that we should be poking the bear.

I am not someone that I believe that we should coddle a narcissist either.

I'm not someone who believes that we should enable narcissists.

When you are a codependent and you are in a narcissistic relationship,

The hook is that you need their approval.

The hook is that when they give you validation,

It feels good.

The hook is that when you're catering to a narcissist,

You get to avoid your own inner world,

Your own inner reality.

You don't need to deal with all your interpersonal conflicts.

You don't have to deal with not feeling good enough because in the acquiescing and the subjugating of your needs for the sake of a narcissist,

You're far removed from how you really feel about the self.

So you're not in touch with your fear of abandonment.

You're not in touch with your fear of rejection,

Right?

You're actively seeking the validation of a narcissist and therefore fending off this fear of rejection.

It's really quite amazing.

And it's all survival,

Right?

We're trying to survive as codependents.

We're trying to get our knees met,

But you don't know what you don't know,

Right?

So if you're running around in a circle and you don't know you're running around in a circle,

How do you ever stop running around in a circle?

You just can't.

I liken codependents to farmers who don't know anything about tractors and they cut hay with scissors.

Like we're in these relationships,

We're doing the best we can.

We have all these,

We have minimal life skills,

If any life skills at all in terms of how to relate to people in a healthy way,

We're doing the best that we can.

So we don't know what we don't know.

And like I said earlier,

The hook is that you seek a narcissist's approval and that that's what they need.

They need people to seek their approval because that keeps them in position number one and that keeps everyone else in position number two.

When you are ending a relationship with a narcissist and you're finally realizing,

Oh,

That's what this was.

I was in a relationship with someone who needed to have control over me.

I was in a relationship with someone who had black and white thinking.

I was in a relationship with someone who needed to be right all the time.

Therefore,

Everyone else needed to be wrong.

I was in a relationship with someone who really felt superior to other people and needed to have my attention and the attention of everyone in the room and really required validation,

Severe validation,

Not only validation,

But adoration.

And in my opinion,

Narcissists that don't gain your adoration,

If they know that they can't manipulate you into adoring them,

Well,

They might settle for you being afraid of them.

That's the way they end up feeling in control over you.

You might be inclined.

Some people might be inclined to feel like,

Oh,

Well,

I'm not letting the narcissist get away with that.

And so you want to fight back.

They curse you out.

You curse them out.

They write something nasty about you on Facebook.

You write something nasty back on Facebook.

They attack your business.

You attack their business.

It's a natural defense.

So like,

Want to protect yourself when someone's treating you so unfairly.

I get it.

And while you're in a relationship with a narcissist,

In time,

You'll start to feel like you're going crazy and you may end up swinging to the other side.

Melody Beatty talks about in Codependent No More,

Swinging,

The pendulum swinging to the other side where you went into the relationship as a very passive codependent,

Hoping everyone's going to like you,

Walking around on eggshells,

Trying to be a good girl,

Trying to be a good enough young little boy,

Doing everything we can to please people so they don't get angry at us so that we can fend off this fear of rejection.

But after years of being in a relationship with a narcissist,

You go through all of these different phases where you're doubting yourself.

And if you're anything like I was,

I got to the end of the road where I was just angry.

I was just exhausted.

I felt like I had no skin left on my bones.

There was nothing left.

And so if you got close to me,

I would want to push you away because I was so afraid all the time.

And it just hurt.

My mind hurt.

My body hurt.

And there were times that I doubted my reality for sure.

What's really going on?

Doubted my thoughts.

It was a terrible,

Terrible experience.

And in that phase,

I was highly reactive.

And so if my ex said something negative,

I said something negative back.

If his brother said something negative,

Then I wanted to retaliate back.

And in time,

This took me a while,

But in time,

And it really came after we separated and after I moved into a new place where I wasn't waking up next to him every day.

So I wasn't dealing with the silent treatment.

I wasn't dealing with the glares.

I wasn't dealing with the innuendos.

I wasn't surrounded by his family anymore.

So it's like,

Oh,

I've got some space now.

I was returning to ground zero and things were starting to fall into place.

I was developing a new routine.

And it was in this new space outside and away from all of this craziness that I was able to see that me poking him back didn't do anything.

If anything,

It fed him.

It's really interesting.

I always thought that I was a pretty strong person before I even married him.

And I always thought that I was a pretty strong,

Mentally strong until I was in the middle of this and until really towards the end of the marriage where it became obvious that it wasn't going to work.

And I was standing my ground and saying,

I'm doing this.

And I was labeled every name in the book and God was used against me and how dare I break up the family.

We were miserable.

Our family had cancer as far as I was concerned.

You might be going through something like this yourself where you think,

I have to get a divorce.

And that's not something a narcissist is going to want to hear,

In most cases a narcissist is going to react very strongly to that because it triggers their abandonment.

They're supposed to discard you.

They're supposed to be able to walk around ignoring you,

Giving you the silent treatment,

Putting you down,

Judging you,

Ignoring you,

Being aloof,

Pretending like you owe them.

They're supposed to be able to do that and you're supposed to tolerate it.

See,

That's the rules they play by,

Dear one.

And when you go,

I'm done,

It's no bueno.

They're not going to tolerate that.

And so what happened in my case was I was highly reactive towards the end of my relationship.

And in spite of thinking that I was really mentally tough,

I really wasn't because no matter what I said to the ex,

He got nastier.

He got dirtier.

He got lower and lower and lower and lower and lower.

And I realized I just couldn't do that.

I couldn't keep up with it.

I didn't have the stamina.

And when he said something that was really awful,

Especially when it was in front of the kids,

It hurt me.

It like sunk in.

And I used to think to myself like,

How is he able to just keep going with this?

Like,

How is it even possible?

And I realized that what I said to him,

He really didn't care about.

Like if I said something really nasty,

It wasn't like he cared that I had this opinion of him.

And the opposite was true for me.

I really cared that he had these opinions.

I was hurt,

Really,

Really hurt by some of the things that many of the things that came out of his mouth.

I just really couldn't even understand or conceive that he saw me this way.

I had someone say to me once,

She wasn't a really good friend of mine,

But she said it in passing and I never forgot it.

She said,

He sees no good in you.

And I thought,

That's it.

He sees no good in me.

Even though from the minute I woke up,

I'm not even kidding,

Until the minute I went to bed,

I tried to please this person,

He saw no good in me.

And she articulated it so well and I didn't understand it then.

I understand it now.

I understand that he had all these preconceived ideas about who I was and the nature of our relationship.

He rescued me.

I was a college dropout.

Where was I ever going to go?

Who was ever going to love me?

He was in control over me.

He came from a great family.

I didn't come from a good family as far as he was concerned.

Now that's not what he would tell my parents,

By the way,

Because what happened behind closed doors was very different than what happened in front of other people.

So in front of other people,

Everybody was awesome.

He thought everybody was awesome.

But behind closed doors was a very different story.

And so he really did come off.

I don't know what he was thinking,

But how I perceived him was,

Wow,

He's coming off like he really is superior to me,

That he is better than me,

Even holier than me,

More spiritual than I was.

It was just whatever you could be,

He was better than me.

It wasn't anything that I ever felt that he saw that was valuable in me.

And there were times when we were arguing.

And then once we had this time where we didn't speak after the divorce,

When he was trying to hoover me back in,

Even to just pick up the phone,

That's when I heard,

You're a great mother.

You taught me how to love our children.

Those are when I heard those things.

But it was only when it was the hoovering,

Only when he wanted to pull me back into the cycle.

And in time,

I realized that the only thing that worked was having him become bored with me and having me not react to the things that he said,

Having me be very blase about the comments that came out of his mouth and coming to the point where I had to see very clearly what my goal was in my life.

And my goal was peace.

And as long as I engaged with him and as long as I went back with him,

Back and forth,

Texting,

Emailing,

Whatever,

Yelling,

Whatever it was,

As long as we went back and forth,

I didn't have peace.

So if he accused me of something,

I finally learned to say,

Okay,

If he judged me about something,

Okay,

Whatever,

You're entitled to your opinion.

I did that video about the five key phrases to use to disarm a narcissist.

I live by them.

And it really was,

The goal was to find as many ways as possible for him to become bored.

Because a narcissist,

In my opinion,

Is someone who needs to get a rise out of you.

And if you are someone who cares what other people think about you,

Which most people do,

But I think those of us who are the healthiest understand that the most important opinion in the world is what you think about yourself.

That's the most important opinion.

And even though we can care about what other people think,

There should really only be a handful of people that we would actually sit down with,

Break bread with,

And really take into consideration what they see in us,

Because we know that they're coming from a really good place.

So I love what Brene Brown says about that,

That she keeps a list of people on a piece of paper in her wallet,

And those names are the people that she cares what they think.

And after being humiliated after a TED Talk,

So many people said such nasty things about her that she was devastated.

And she realized that other people's opinion just can't matter to her so much anymore.

And so if you're someone who is still struggling with what people think about you,

If you're still struggling with holding onto yourself,

It might be really difficult to not retaliate against a narcissist.

It might be really difficult to cut them off,

Like go no contact on Facebook,

Cut them off on Instagram,

Delete them from your phone.

The most important thing that you can do is to go no contact and send the message that you are done.

Send the message that you are done.

Now not all relationships and breakups are created equal.

Some narcissists you will actually have to set very clear boundaries with.

And in some cases,

Hopefully not,

You may even have to file a police report.

But I think in lots of the cases,

Especially when it comes to garden variety narcissists who are just trying to get under your skin,

Maybe an old friend,

Maybe an old boyfriend,

An old girlfriend,

Maybe a narcissistic mother-in-law,

There are just some people that you're going to have to learn to not react to.

There are just some people that you're going to have to be absolutely non-reactive to so that they get the sense that you're boring.

I've heard people say,

Well,

You're easy.

You're easy,

Lisa.

It's easy to annoy you.

That's why I annoy you.

And I thought,

Huh,

Okay.

So the next time you open your mouth,

I'm just not going to care.

I'm just going to say,

Okay,

Sorry you feel that way.

And I have had people say to me,

Lisa,

That sounds very narcissistic of you to say,

Sorry you feel that way.

But when you're dealing with a narcissist,

I had an uncle who had the most condescending things to say to me.

He was a recovering alcoholic and he didn't always have a very good filter.

And he would say things to me to embarrass me.

And I finally got to a point where I would just say out loud,

Well,

I'm sorry you feel that way.

It's okay that you feel that way.

You're entitled to your opinion of me.

Okay,

I'm really not in control of your opinion of me.

And I guess that has to be okay.

We're just going to have to agree to disagree.

That's how you see me and that's okay.

I can accept that.

I know who I am.

You know,

I just developed this thick skin and developed a very blase attitude towards people who I got the feeling were trying to get a rise out of me.

So I think all of us in life,

We have to be,

We should all wake up and understand what our goal for the day is.

You know,

I try to wake up and remember that my goal is ease.

My goal is peace.

I don't want to be irritated during the day.

I don't want drama during the day.

I'm too old for that.

I've learned my lesson.

I'm done.

You know,

I want peace,

You know?

And so if that's my goal,

It makes it very clear for me how I have to behave in my life.

And so if I get an email that is not very nice,

I know that my goal is to not react to it,

Is to respond,

Not react to it.

My goal is to seek resolution.

My goal is to find ways to figure out who I'm dealing with.

But if I'm dealing with someone who has the ability to be calm and rational,

They are not black and white thinkers,

They are not highly reactive,

They are not highly judgmental,

Highly critical,

They are not someone who lacks empathy and who is entitled,

Then we might be able to seek very compatible end.

We might be able to come to some sort of resolution.

But if I'm dealing with someone who I think is entitled,

Who exploits people and who wants to push their weight around,

Then the best thing to do might be just to kind of become very nonchalant,

Nonreactive,

And try to do whatever I can to end the conversation and the relationship if I have to.

Why?

Because I want peace.

So if you're someone who's looking for peace in your life and you have a narcissistic mother-in-law,

A sister-in-law,

A brother,

Or someone that you know is narcissistic,

Then try to consider this idea of becoming boring to them.

This is not coddling them.

This is not walking around on eggshells.

This is not acquiescing.

This is not subjugating your needs to them.

This is really holding onto yourself and recognizing that a narcissist is entitled to their opinion.

And it's not your job to change it.

It's not your job to alter it.

It's just your job to surrender to their opinion.

That doesn't mean you have to react to it.

And I'm not talking about cases where you need to get the police involved when there's some type of a crime being committed.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about everyday narcissists that we will bump into,

People who need to get a rise out of other people.

I'm talking about becoming so boring to these people that they have no desire to mess with us at all.

I think a key idea is to remember that narcissists work in the emotional realm.

And so if you are highly emotional,

If you are highly reactive,

If you care very much about what people think about you,

If you are someone who feels like you need to fight back,

If you see an injustice,

Then you should know that the narcissist is actually going to enjoy getting a rise out of you.

And so if your agenda is to get a narcissist to leave you alone,

Try this tip and let me know if it works.

Reviews

Wise. After many years of narcissistic abuse I eventually floundered my way into “becoming boring”/ not reacting with my ex husband. It helped ME greatly and made me stronger. But interestingly, it made my ex’s behavior grow worse & worse to try to hurt me, when he realized he couldn’t. It got so bad I had no choice anymore to stay or leave. I had to leave. Thank goodness.

Thank you for your guidance

Thank you for this valuable advice

So helpful, thank you Lisa ☺️

Lisa you gave me great tips on how to deal with people like this!!

Yes! And AMEN! PEACE im there! Very very helpful 🙏

So helpful and great tip that I will be using. Thank you.

Informative and useful. Will apply the technique. Thank you.😄🙏🏻

Useful suggestions for managing the narcissist. Thank you Lisa

Well said... Have to stop fighting for justice! Just let go, libra woman! 😊

You really hit home on so many bases that I am experiencing. I’ve been with a narcissist for 12 years. I left him once, and he hoovered me back in and we’ve been married for three years. My life is pretty much hell When he is around. Luckily he works out of town a couple days a week. And I have peace. I, like you were, am combative with him And hold so much resentment over things he has said to me to hurt me. I am definitely going to try harder to be boring and blasé. Trying to decide if I’m going to leave or not at present and waiting spiritually for clarity. thank you for your insight and advice!!

🙏Phrases to disengage
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July 23,2021

Powerful all around. Excellent specific examples.

Amazing!

I have been on the verge of insanity lately dealing with my husband whom just got back from a vacation with his family and is acting this way to an exhausting, overwhelming degree! Every little thing feels like a 25 k marathon when I am already running on E. I can see that I am feeding into it so I clam up. But we are in a 500 sq ft apt and he just will not stop talking until I am either screaming with my hands over my ears and rocking back and forth. Or sobbing on the floor cradling my dog and humming to try to drown him out. Then he says I am ridiculous, or I'm a crazy f-ing B. Or some other comment that I should be able to ignore. God knows I try. I am a recovering iV herion user (2years, as is he). My only purpose and desire in life now is to raise my vibration to align with my soul purpose and eventually help others who are trauma strugglers/survivors to find hope, happiness and peace in their lives as well. I am studying Reiki and Tarot (w/ Keziah Gibbons whom I met here on IT), as well as the year long Soul Warrior Training w/ Dakota Walker (whom I also met here). I meditate from 5am til about 9 am almost everyday. Even so, I am still struggling under the weight of his relentless behavior. Lisa, your talks are helping me to feel not so alone. And when I am quaking with heartache, overwhelm etc i can put on my head phones and drown him out. With all the tools in my box at this point, it has been you who has been able to get my feet back on the ground, allowing me to draw a full breath and get my mind back to a place where hope resides! Thank you for sharing your strength and wisdom! You truly are helping me so much.

Thank You Lisa 💕

Yes I have seen how being non reactive takes the wind out of their sails. It really works! 👏🏼🥰🙏🏼

Thank you we Sam, very timely podcast once again the roots go deep. Appreciate your wisdom. Wonderful podcast as usual Namaste🙏❣️🧚‍♀️